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It has been eight long, dark days since Reo had been shut into the ward against his will. Eight quiet, demeaning days since he has last seen the cruel look on his parents faces as the doors to the ambulance slammed shut, leaving him alone once again.
He never intended for this to happen. He never intended to end up in the cold, sterile world of a psych ward.
Reo had wanted to die. He had taken all of those pills intending to die , never to wake up, and finally feel the bliss of darkness that he had been yearning to reach for years .
He was not meant to be here, wandering the halls in his solitude, being pushed into group therapy sessions with people as equally fucked up in the head as he was.
Reo was supposed to be dead, there was nothing more to it.
There was perhaps one silver lining to being trapped in this shithole, he supposed. He was allowed to be outside for a few hours every day, out of the stuffy rooms and away from the echoes of screams he could occasionally hear down the halls he wasn't allowed to enter.
Outside time was his most treasured time while being here. Whenever the clock struck noon, he was out in the yard, soccer ball between his feet. The activity had been his only solace while he was still at home, and it had carried over to the ward.
It was always upsetting whenever a nurse would come and bring him back inside, sitting him down for yet another therapy session-his second one of the day. Individual therapy was worse than the group sessions, he thinks. At least in the group sessions, the attention wouldn’t be on him for the entire time.
So now here he sat, slumped against the back of a highly uncomfortable chair, the gaze of his therapist cutting through his body.
“Have you been taking your medication, Reo?” Ms. Watanabe had asked him, clipboard full of notes over him already in her hand before he could even get a word out.
“I don’t really get a choice on if I take them or not,” he said, his eyes moving up to meet hers. “So yes, I have been taking them.”
Ms. Watanabe sighed, scribbling something down before she looked back at him. “How have you been feeling since your arrival?”
Reo couldn’t help the chuckle that slipped out of his mouth at her question. How do you expect me to feel? My mind is a minefield every waking moment, I don’t want to be here. I’m not supposed to be here.
He clicked his tongue before responding. “I haven’t felt anything,” he shrugged. “Not many things I could feel while staring at the wall for most of the day.”
His therapist nodded, writing down everything he had said.
There is no way anything I’m saying is important enough to be written down on that damn clipboard.
“You may benefit from trying to make a few friends in here, Reo.”
“I have no need to talk to anybody in here. I doubt I’ll be in here long enough to need to make friends.”
Ms. Watanabe sighed, setting her clipboard down and folding her hands together in her lap, leaning forward. “Reo, your parents told us to keep you here for six months. You can’t stay isolated for that long.”
Reo shrugged, looking up toward the ceiling. “I don’t even need to be here that long.”
“You tried to kill yourself, Reo. You have severe depression with self-harming tendencies. Finding a routine to pull you out of that takes time. Six months is actually the shortest time that you should be here to help you learn to manage it.”
“Doesn’t everyone here?”
“Listen to me, Reo. We’re here to help you. Please, just try to talk to one of the other patients here. I truly do think it’d do you some good.”
“Fine,” Reo said as he stood up, not wanting to be in this session any longer. “I’ll talk to somebody. No promises that it’ll lead to anything, though.”
The woman nodded as she led him to the door, giving him a forced smile as he ducked out, not bothering to look back at her.
He trailed through the hallways for an hour after that, his eyes bleakly looking over all of the bullshit inspirational quotes plastered across the walls, signals of motivation that nobody in this place would listen to.
God, he just wanted to dig into his skin again out of spite.
The large common area came into sight as he turned left down the hallway, people his age spread around all of the couches and tables. Some played card games, and some were ranting about whatever their therapist had told them.
He looked around the room, his eyes landing on a boy sitting all alone in front of the only TV, snow-colored hair hung over his face as he concentrated on the game he was currently playing.
Reo cocked his head as he continued to watch him. The boy was seemingly disconnected from all of the noise that was going on around him as if it was just him and the console. Whatever he was playing must’ve been intense, his fingers moving furiously over the buttons.
He could see the boy tense as the screen flashed that he had lost, the mystery boy shaking his head as he moved to turn off the game before standing up, almost immediately making eye contact with Reo.
Reo quickly turned on his heels and left the space, an odd feeling flowing through him as he went back to his room, shutting the door halfway and throwing himself onto the bed. I probably looked so stupid staring at him. Who the hell does that?
Oh was he in for a surprise when he finally sat back up on the bed, his head turning to the door and noticing that the boy had followed him .
“You can come in if you want to,” he said quietly, his gaze fixed on the boy as the other nodded, slowly moving through the doorway.
“Why were you watching me?” The mystery boy had asked, fiddling with his hands as he waited for an answer. A nervous tick, perhaps?
“Dunno,” Reo shrugged. “Was just interested in how you could tune everything out so well in order to play a game.”
The other boy moved further into the room, hesitating before sitting down on the desk chair across from Reo. “I’ve always been good at doing that. Ignoring everything going on around me.”
Reo nodded, curiosity now gleaming in his eyes. “Can you teach me to play that game?”
“If you want me to. I’m not that good at it, though. Never played it until I came here.”
The two sat in silence for a few moments, neither of them knowing what else to say. “How long have you been here?” Reo finally asked, looking back over to the boy in front of him.
“Nine months,” came the quiet reply.
“Why?”
“The more you try to die, the longer your stays become.”
Reo hummed at the boy’s words. “How many times?”
Hazel eyes looked up to meet Reo’s purple. “How many times have I attempted, or how many times have I been locked in here?”
“Both.”
“Three attempts, only been in here twice, though..”
“Jesus Christ,” Reo breathed out, leaning back against the wall. “This is my first time in here.”
“It never gets any better,” the other boy said simply. “Every visit is the same. Lock you up in here, shove medication that won’t work down your throat, and then kick you out, only to feign surprise whenever you show back up.”
“I figured. Only been here for eight days and I’m already losing my mind.”
That made the mystery boy crack a small smile. “Surprised that I haven’t run across you yet. Normally everyone meets each other within the first day or two.”
Reo shrugged. “I’ve been spending most of my free time out here or in the yard. My therapist so kindly told me to start meeting people, though.”
“What do you do whenever you go outside?”
“I kick a soccer ball around.”
Mystery boy nodded, standing to his feet. “I’ll have to join you, sometime. I’ve gotta get to therapy now, it was nice talking to you.”
“Tell me your name before you go. I’m Reo.”
“Nagi,” said the boy before he slunk back out the door, his presence disappearing as quickly as it had appeared.
Reo laid back down on his bed now that he was alone, staring up at the ceiling with his arms crossed behind his head as he let his thoughts wander. Nagi. I wonder if he’ll talk to me again, or if this was it.
***
The next time Reo saw Nagi was during group therapy. He was already zoning out not even ten minutes into the meeting, eyes trailing over everybody that was sat in this god-awful circle of fucked up heads. Nagi was sitting nearly across from him, knees pulled up to his chest, his face hidden.
I’ll talk to him once this is done.
“Reo?” A voice pulled him out of his haze. He blinked slowly, turning to face where the voice had come from. There sat the nurse, Ms. Sato, waiting for his response.
He sighed, not wanting to speak today. “Yes?”
“Would you like to share anything with everybody else? Your favorite activities, or coping mechanisms, perhaps?”
“Not necessarily,” he said flatly. “I assume I don’t have a choice though?”
“It is highly encouraged to speak at least once during these sessions, Reo.”
Reo rolled his eyes, sitting up in his chair before speaking once more. “I haven’t been doing much since I got here. I spend most of my time in my room, only leaving for outside privileges or therapy sessions.”
Ms. Sato nodded. “Thank you for sharing, Reo. I do hope you find something more to occupy your time, however. It’ll be good for you.”
He couldn't help but snort at her words, crossing his arms as he slouched back down in his chair. The therapist gave one last look at him before turning her attention to the next patient, asking them the same question.
His gaze moved back over to where Nagi was sitting, the boy now looking at him. Reo shot him an exasperated look that he hoped could be interpreted as ‘ this is complete and utter bullshit ,’ and much to his delight, Nagi let out a small, soundless laugh, his eyes showing a message of agreement.
Nagi ended up being the next person to get called on to answer. “Well, if I answer with what my coping mechanisms are, I’ll just get my stay extended again. Passing the time, however, I just play whatever video games are available in the common room.”
The entire group was pulled into silence after his answer, Reo wondering what he could possibly do to be stuck here longer than he should be. I’ll have to ask him about that.
Ms. Sato ended the session after that, telling everybody to take care as they all filed out of the room. Reo stayed behind, waiting for Nagi to finish up talking to the therapist, from what he could only assume is the boy being chastised for his answer.
“Want to go outside?” He asked as Nagi walked over to him. The other boy gave a half-hearted shrug, following him out to the yard. Reo moved to the small shed, opening it up and grabbing a soccer ball before walking back over to Nagi.
“What did Ms. Sato say to you?” He asked him, rolling the ball between his feet.
“Apparently it’s in poor taste to even joke about coping mechanisms,” the boy laughed. “If only she knew.”
Reo hummed in response, looking down at the ground for a brief second before looking back up. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
Nagi laughed. “I guess. You’re in here for the same reasons as I am so I might as well. I have scarred up my body so badly that I can’t wear short-sleeved shirts or anything that isn’t sweats. I just never knew when to stop.”
“Yeah,” Reo sighed, deciding to sit down on the ground, Nagi following suit. “I understand that feeling. I can’t wear shorts either, though it’s more so just to hide everything from my parents.”
“Your parents don't know?”
“Oh they know,” Reo let out a laugh. “They’re the whole reason why I’m like this anyways. Never let me do anything other than school or sports. Always had disgustingly high expectations over my head. I remember them telling me how much of a disappointment I am for mutilating myself. Shit just kept piling up and next thing I know, I’m in the back of an ambulance with them glaring at me, and now I’m here.”
“Have they come to visit you yet?” Nagi asked him. “They’re able to on the designated days.”
Reo shook his head. “They won’t visit me. Why would they? Their ‘perfect son’ turned out to be a freak who ruins his body for some semblance of control.”
He felt the soft brush of a hand on his shoulder. “I don’t think you’re a freak if that means anything,” Nagi said softly. “You’ve dealt with more than anyone our age should. Despite whatever you do to yourself, you’re still human. I think it’s normal to spiral sometimes.”
Reo looked over to his new friend, eyes gleaming with the beginning of tears. “I feel like I should be saying stuff like that to you,” he managed to choke out a laugh, wiping at his eyes. “You’ve been here before, you’ve had more attempts than I have. You’re going through more than I am yet you’re speaking words that have never been said to me before.”
Nagi shrugged, taking his hand off Reo’s shoulder. “I know all too well what it’s like to not have a support system. I’ve been on my own for a long time, if anything I say could even remotely brings someone comfort, then I’ll say it.”
Reo shot him a small smile as he moved to stand back up, holding his hand out for Nagi to grab. “Thank you, Nagi,” he said softly. Nagi nodded, grabbing Reo’s hand for help as he stood back up. Reo couldn’t help but notice how the sleeve of Nagi’s shirt fell as he did so, exposing the evidence of the demons that resided in his mind.
He shook his head, trying to clear the thoughts from his head as he motioned towards the grass. “Want to learn how to play?” He asked, holding the soccer ball once again.
“I can’t promise I’ll be any good at it,” Nagi said, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth as he eyed the ball. Reo laughed, pulling him over to the grass.
“You’ll be great in no time.”
***
Reo was pacing back and forth in the confines of his room, his mind slipping as he tried to pull himself back to earth. The methods that were so lovingly suggested by Ms. Watanabe weren’t doing anything to help. He let out a scoff, not sure why he even tried to begin with.
Nothing ever helped.
Reo should be used to this by now, he should be used to the wretched shit that his mind would be constantly plagued with. He’s dealt with it for years, it never got easier.
The voice in the back of his head telling him that he was worthless , that he was disgusting , and that he should just do everyone a favor and try to end himself again . He couldn’t even do that last one right, he couldn’t ever fucking do anything right.
God, he wished he could dig into his skin and ruin his body even more, just like he deserved.
Did he even deserve that? Probably not, but his mind was telling him that he did, so obviously he was going to listen.
He didn’t even realize that he was crying until he looked into the shitty mirror that the ward provided for each room. All he could do was laugh at his reflection, laugh at his puffy, bloodshot eyes and his hair strewn all over the place from his awful habit of tugging at it whenever he got like this.
Pathetic , he thought to himself when all he could do was stare. He was so fucking pathetic .
Reo turned from the mirror quickly, not wanting to look anymore, he wasn’t sure what he’d do if he did keep looking. He laid back on his bed, wiping at his face in hopes that would get rid of the tears that had fallen. Nagi was coming by soon, he didn’t want him to see how he looked in the midst of a breakdown.
Nagi , the only person who was keeping him on the fine line between sane and not. He had only known the boy for a week at this point, he wasn’t sure exactly why he was so attached to him now, maybe it was just because he was the first person who he talked to.
Yea, he’ll just go with that.
He sat up when he heard his door creak open, Nagi quietly letting himself in. “Are you okay?” The boy asked him, taking in the sight of puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks.
“Never better,” Reo choked out, sitting up and rubbing at his eyes once more.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“There’s really not much to say. This just happens sometimes,” he replied, motioning to himself. “My brain just goes crazy sometimes.”
“Mine does too,” Nagi said, moving to sit next to Reo. “I’ve started calling it my monster . It’s quite the bitch sometimes.”
“Monster, huh?” Reo said, glancing over at the boy next to him. “It does feel like a fucking monster.”
Nagi nodded, looking down and fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie. “Do you want me to teach you the game that I was playing last week?”
Reo looked over at him once more. “Yea,” he said softly. “I’d like that.”
***
It has now been six weeks since Reo got pushed into his own personal hell. He’s growing increasingly tired of the same cyclical cycle that he’s been thrown into. Getting woken up at seven every morning, group therapy on top of his individual therapy, down to having to pop pills that he doesn’t want to take-which he has stated multiple times because they aren’t working - he’s just over it.
Hell, he swears that he’s getting even worse being in here. Once again resigning himself to roaming the halls, taking sad glances at his fellow patients with people visiting them. Reo never thought that he’d ever admit to missing his parents-but god does he feel lonely when he remembers that nobody will come to see him during his stay.
It felt almost juvenile to be upset over something so minuscule. Of course, he’s happy for those who have a good support system, family, and friends who want them to get better, Reo won’t fault them for it, it just hurts that he will never have that.
Even Nagi has people who come and visit him. They’re not family from what he can gather, but friends at least. Nagi had talked about them once- Bachira and Isagi were their names if he recalled correctly.
That’s where Nagi was now, Reo had noticed, the boy and his friends huddled around a table in the furthest corner of the common room, one of the boys being very enthusiastic with whatever story he was telling the other two.
Reo let out a small chuckle before turning on his heels and heading out to the yard to play with the soccer ball before he had to sit through this therapy session. He was grateful for his one constant in the ward, the small shred of freedom he had while out here, kicking the ball around aimlessly for a couple of hours, not having to think about anything other than polishing up his skills.
Being outside didn’t last nearly as long as Reo had hoped. He was in his own world, practicing new ways to dribble the ball down the yard when his name was called, ushering him back inside so he could talk to Ms. Watanabe.
“How are you feeling today, Reo?” She asked him, her glasses slipping down the bridge of her nose as she looked at him.
“Why do you always start with that question?” Reo laughed. “Obviously I’m never feeling great, that’s why I’m here.”
“Reo,” she sighed, giving him a look of disdain. “Just answer the question, I know it’s stupid but I’m required to ask it.”
“I’m exhausted and my mind is constantly swirling with thoughts on how I could harm myself with the lack of resources in here. Is that good enough?”
Ms. Watanabe scribbled something down on her clipboard before peering back up at him. “I take it your medication isn’t working the way it’s supposed to?”
Reo shook his head. “I’ve been telling you they don’t work.”
“We just need to adjust the dosage, Reo. Medication is always trial and error until we find something that works.”
“I’ve had the dosage upped two times now,” he scoffed. “I doubt raising it again will do anything.”
“Just try it, Reo. If it doesn’t help then we can always switch you to a new medication.”
“Fine.”
“Perfect, now is there anything else you want to talk about? Maybe having visitors come to see you? That could boost your morale a little bit.”
Reo shook his head. “I don’t have anybody. Never had the time for friends and my parents refuse to see me.”
Ms. Watanabe frowned, reaching across the small table separating them and putting her hand on his shoulder. “Do you have anyone to talk to in here?”
“I do, actually.”
The woman smiled, leaning back so she could sit flat against the back of her chair again. “Tell me about them.”
“His name is Nagi,” Reo started, looking down and fiddling with his fingers as he spoke. “It’s been a little over a month now since we started talking, I think? I’ve been showing him how to play soccer, and he’s been teaching me how to play video games in the common room.”
“Oh yes, I know Seishiro. How does talking to him make you feel, Reo?”
“Relaxed, mostly. Like my brain finally shuts down for a while when he’s around me,” Reo said softly. “He’s my first friend ever, really.”
“Anything else?” Ms. Watanabe prodded gently, still writing on her clipboard.
“I like hanging out with him,” Reo shrugged. “It’s just so easy being around him, I don’t know why though.”
His therapist smiled softly to herself, setting the clipboard back down. “I’m glad you’ve found someone, Reo. That’s a big leap in progress.”
Reo nodded, looking back toward her. “Is it normal to feel lonely when you’re not around friends?”
“It can be, yes. Especially if it’s your first time having someone to be close to.”
“I think I might like him more than a friend should,” Reo mumbled, his eyes shooting to the floor so he didn’t have to look at the woman in front of him.
“Oh?” Ms. Watanabe said, her eyebrow raised in interest. “What makes you feel that way, Reo?”
“I just feel weird around him sometimes. Like it’s so easy to talk to him, but at the same time it feels like my brain turns to mush and I can’t think correctly. Whenever I see him, I also get a weird feeling in my chest.”
The sound of the pen moving across the clipboard filled the now silent room, Reo internally cussing himself out in his mind for opening up more than he wanted to.
“I feel like I said too much,” He said, still not bothering to look up. The sound of the pen paused, Ms. Watanabe setting her clipboard facedown on the table before leaning closer to him.
“You can never say too much during these sessions, Reo. I’m not going to tell anybody, you can trust me with things like this. I do think that you may have romantic feelings for Seishiro, though.”
Reo’s breath hitched at her words, honestly wondering why the idea of having a crush on Nagi never crossed his mind. His parents always told him that it was wrong for boys to have crushes on other boys, so why was he feeling this way? The thought of disappointing his parents in yet another way caused tears to well in his eyes, a few silently slipping down his face.
“I thought boys couldn’t have crushes on other boys?” He said softly.
“Romantic feelings can happen for everybody,” Ms. Watanabe said, her eyes scanning over Reo’s figure.
“Is there something wrong with me?” Reo’s voice cracked, tears falling freely now. His therapist got up quickly, moving over to him and pulling him into her arms as he cried, clutching the front of her shirt.
“There is nothing wrong with the way you’re feeling, Reo. There is never anything wrong with falling for somebody, no matter what their gender may be. I think I may have an idea of who could’ve put those thoughts in your head, but they’re wrong. Please don’t ever think lower of yourself because of this.”
Reo took a deep breath, pulling away and wiping at his face, grimacing about the tear streaks that he ended up leaving on her shirt. “Sorry about your shirt,” he mumbled, looking back at the ground.
Ms. Watanabe simply smiled, patting him on the back. “No need to apologize for it, Reo. This isn’t the first time I’ve had a patient cry on me, and it certainly won’t be the last.”
He nodded once more, his leg beginning to bounce- a god awful nervous tick that he has never been able to kick.
“You’re free to go now, Reo. Thank you for talking to me more this session,” his therapist smiled at him, moving to stand up and open the door so he could exit the room.
“Thanks for listening to me,” he said quietly as he left, turning down the hall and immediately moving to go hide in his room, dead set on trying to figure out how he could’ve possibly fallen for his only friend.
It was going to be a long night, he decided, groaning as he shut the door to his room behind him before flopping down onto his bed, shoving his face into his pillow.
He was fucked.
***
Reo was finding it increasingly more difficult to be around Nagi after his therapist had helped him figure out that he liked him. Who the fuck develops a crush on their only friend? He felt bad about it, despite being assured repeatedly by Ms. Watanabe that developing feelings for someone you’re around a lot is normal.
He sure as hell didn’t feel normal about it, but then again, was he ever actually normal to begin with? Not particularly.
Nagi had been hanging around him more as well, which also wasn’t helping out Reo in the slightest for trying to figure out the extent of his newfound affection for the other boy. It was like clockwork, every morning after breakfast, Nagi would saunter into Reo’s room so they could go out to the yard and play soccer, and meeting up every evening in the common room to play video games.
So here they were, sitting bunched up in front of the TV, Nagi aggressively spamming the controller and Reo falling behind as he tried to ignore how close he was to the other boy.
“You seem more distracted than usual tonight,” Nagi commented, glancing in his direction for a second before turning his attention back to the game.
“Just have some things on my mind, that’s all,” Reo shrugged, trying to catch his player up to Nagi’s.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Reo pulled his bottom lip between his teeth as he thought of something to say back. Do I? He questioned himself as he looked down at the controller in his hands. I guess I can just be vague.
“Have you ever liked someone?”
Nagi paused the game, setting his controller down before turning his full attention to the boy next to him. “Well yeah I’ve liked people, that’s kinda how you make friends, Reo.”
Reo sighed, tossing the controller to the ground in front of him before looking at his friend. “I mean romantically, Nagi.”
“Oh. Well, I did date someone when I was in middle school, so I guess so. Didn’t last very long because his parents found out and didn’t let him see me anymore.”
“He?” Reo’s eyes widened in surprise, internally cheering at the thought of Nagi liking boys too.
“Is that a problem?” Nagi shot back, crossing his arms.
“It’s not a problem,” Reo breathed out, his eyes meeting Nagi’s. “I think I’m the same way- liking boys I mean. I’m not sure, though.”
“Never had the chance to find out?”
“I didn’t even realize the possibility until I talked to my therapist. Now it’s all I can think about.”
“I can help you figure it out, if you want,” Nagi shrugged, turning back to grab his controller and starting the game back up.
“What?” Reo asked, “How would you help me do that?”
“Like I could kiss you, just so you can see if you like kissing boys or not, it’s no big deal.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“If it’ll help you, then sure.”
“Okay.”
Nagi just hummed in response, fully immersed back into the game that was across the screen.
Reo fiddled with his hands, staring blankly at the ground. Why would Nagi even want to help with that, is he just being nice or could he possibly like me too?
The two played the game for another two hours, Reo consistently messing up due to his current internal crisis, with Nagi simply just laughing whenever he’d die.
They were now sat in Nagi’s room, Reo anxiously tugging at his sleeves, palms slightly sweaty at the mere thought of what was about to happen.
“Are you ready?” Nagi asked, moving to sit next to him, nudging his shoulder up against Reo’s.
“Yeah,” Reo breathed out, still trying to avoid looking at the boy next to him.
“Let me know if you get uncomfortable,” Nagi murmured, gently placing one of his hands on Reo’s cheek, turning his head to look at him.
Nagi had leaned in slowly before finally pressing his lips to Reo’s. The boy paused for a second before he melted into the kiss, moving his lips against Nagi’s.
Fuck.
Oh God was he fucked, when he wrapped his arms around Nagi, pulling him in closer.
Oh God was he fucked, when Nagi let him , the kiss between the two of them deepening when Nagi ran his tongue along Reo’s lower lip, Reo opening his mouth on impulse, allowing the other boy to slide his tongue inside, colliding with his own.
Nagi pulled away a minute later, keeping his hand on Reo’s cheek as he put his forehead against his own. “Are you sure now?” He breathed out, his eyes never leaving Reo’s as he asked the question.
“Yeah,” Reo gulped. “I’m sure.”
Nagi pulled back with a smirk. “Thought so.”
***
Three months. Three months since Reo had been put in here, and yet it seemingly never got easier despite everything. His days were filled with being around Nagi no matter what, so why was he still plagued with thoughts of loneliness? Thoughts of never being enough for anyone- or anything for that matter?
It was stupid , he thought to himself on nearly a daily basis at this point. He was doing everything that Ms. Watanabe had suggested, opening up more in therapy sessions, hanging out with his friend, and even dealing with dosage changes on his medications, yet nothing was helping.
He was losing sleep over it at this point, his thoughts never calming enough to sleep, them carrying over into his dreams during the few hours that he was actually able to fall into a semi-restless slumber.
So here he was, laying awake in bed with the clock to his side glaring 3:18 AM with bright red numbers. Reo groaned, rolling over to his back, deciding to forego trying to get any chance of sleep tonight, resigning to staring up at the god-awful white ceiling he had been all too acquainted to.
There was a shuffling outside his door, which caused him to sit up, blinking slowly as a familiar figure slinked in, seeming like they were trying to not disturb him on the off chance that he was asleep.
“Nagi?” Reo called out when the person got closer, rubbing at his eyes to make sure he wasn't in some sort of fucked up dream.
“I didn’t wake you up, did I?” His friend responded, finally looking over in his direction.
“No, I was already awake,” Reo shook his head. “Why are you here?”
“Couldn’t sleep either,” he had shrugged, looking down at the floor.
“Wanna lay down?”
Nagi nodded, moving closer to the bed as Reo scooted to the side, lifting the blankets up so that the other boy could crawl in next to him.
“Why couldn’t you sleep?” Nagi asked him as soon as he was in bed, turning on his side so that he could face Reo.
“Thinking too much. You?”
“I don’t sleep that well most of the time, so I got bored and wanted to see if you were awake too.”
Reo hummed in response, turning his head to look at his friend. “What would you have done if I was asleep?”
Nagi shrugged. “Probably would’ve just gone back to my room and sat in silence for the rest of the night.”
Reo let out a small laugh, turning back to look at the ceiling. “I feel that.”
The two laid in silence for a few minutes, with Reo once again being all too aware of how close Nagi was, the boy damn near pressed completely up against him.
“Reo?” Nagi’s voice was oddly quiet.
“Yeah?” Came his response, looking over at his friend once more.
“Have you ever had sex?”
“Nagi, I literally never talked to anybody before I came here and started talking to you, obviously I’ve never done that.”
“Oh. Have you thought about it?”
Reo snorted. “Of course I’ve thought about it. Don’t really know if someone would want to do it with me though, also not sure how someone would react to seeing how scarred up my body is.”
“I’ve never done it either.”
“Why are you bringing that up, anyways?”
Nagi turned to look at Reo, his eyes still managing to meet his despite the darkness that was surrounding them in the room. “Would you do it with me?”
Reo almost choked on his breath at what his friend had just said. “I mean, only if you wanted to, are you offering?”
“Yes, I’m offering. I want to know what it’s like.”
“When would we even do it?”
“Right now?”
Reo bit his lip, breaking eye contact with Nagi for a second before looking back at him. “Okay,” his voice came softly. “If you want to, then sure.”
Nagi grinned, pulling Reo’s face closer to his before kissing him, leaving no time for Reo to adjust before sliding his tongue into his mouth, their tongues running over each other’s as Nagi shifted, now on top of Reo’s lower half.
He was running his hands over the expanse of Reo’s torso, slipping underneath his shirt as they brushed against his chest, gripping at any part of his body that he could.
The two broke the kiss, Reo leaning up so that he could pull Nagi’s hoodie over his head, his dick twitching at the sight of his body. He reached one of his own hands out, trailing over collarbones and his chest before sliding down, gently running over the raised scars that littered Nagi’s arms and waist.
“They probably feel gross, I'm sorry,” Nagi mumbled as he moved to take Reo’s shirt off, tossing it onto the floor beside them.
“They’re not gross, they’re part of you, Nagi. Everything about you is beautiful, scarred skin or not.”
Nagi just nodded, leaning back down and capturing Reo’s lips into another kiss, awkwardly grinding his hips down.
Reo let out a gasp at the feeling, his hands flying down to hold Nagi’s hips, keeping him flush against his. He felt Nagi smile against his mouth once the sound left him, the other boy moving down to press sloppy kisses down his neck, stopping just above his collarbones to leave small marks on them.
Nagi slipped a hand down Reo’s body, pushing it into the waistband of his sweatpants as his fingers ghosted down until they brushed up against his dick. Reo whined at the contact, his hips instinctively bucking up against his hand, seeking more friction.
“Are you completely sure you want to go through with this?” Nagi whispered, placing a soft kiss against the shell of his ear.
Reo nodded a little too enthusiastically. “I’m sure.”
***
The two boys had fallen into a routine as the days went by, with Nagi sneaking into Reo’s room late at night, the two of them doing whatever they wanted in their solitude before he had to slip away again to avoid being caught.
Reo didn’t know how to define what their friendship- relationship? - had evolved into, words unspoken as they shared kisses and more in the dead of night, acting as if nothing had changed during the day.
He yearned to ask Nagi what they were, if they were actually anything at all. Constantly biting back the question when it was on the tip of his tongue, afraid that it would scare Nagi away. Somewhere deep in his heart, though, he thought maybe Nagi could feel the same about him.
They were out in the yard as Reo gazed at Nagi kicking a soccer ball back and forth between his feet, his tongue stuck out of the side of his mouth in concentration. He looked beautiful on the rare times he was zoned into something, beads of sweat dripping down his face, snowy colored locks stuck to his forehead.
Maybe Reo loved him, he thought in times like this, but he wasn’t completely sure yet.
“Am I doing this right?” Nagi’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts, his eyes bouncing between Reo and the ball between his feet.
“You’re definitely getting the hang of it,” Reo said, pushing himself to stand as he made his way over to the boy. “What you’re trying to do is pretty tricky, let me show you.”
Nagi nodded, passing the ball over to him as he stepped back, his eyes trained on Reo’s feet as he moved the ball down the yard. “Try to do exactly what I did,” Reo called out, bringing the ball back to Nagi.
“I don’t know if I'll be able to get it exactly how you did,” he said, taking the ball and looking at it.
“I know you will,” Reo replied, patting Nagi on his back. “You always get stuff down quickly once you’re shown what to do.”
Nagi sighed, and with that he was off, kicking the ball down the yard exactly the way Reo had shown him. A smile graced Reo’s face as he watched the boy do it, letting out a cheer for him once Nagi stopped, turning back to give him a thumbs up.
Okay, maybe he was sure that he loved Nagi, and that one small gesture just proved it.
“Do you want me to come to your room tonight?” Nagi asked him as they made their way back inside the ward, ready to split off for their therapy sessions.
“I’d like that,” Reo nodded before bidding his friend a quick ‘see you later’ and heading in the direction of Ms. Watanabe’s office.
“Any new developments on your situation with Nagi?” She had asked him as soon as he had sat down. Reo had spent all of the last session filling her in on how he was sure now that he had feelings for the boy, outlining everything they do together now, leaving out the sexual side of course.
“I think I’m in love with him,” he shrugged. “Thought I don’t know if he feels the same, and I don’t think I wanna ask him in case he doesn’t, I don’t want to lose him.”
“Are you okay with never knowing if he reciprocates those feelings, Reo?” Ms. Watanabe asked, glancing at him over the top of her clipboard.
“I mean, I would like to know if he does, it’d make me happy, but if it means I won’t risk him pulling away from me because of it, then I’ll be fine.”
“I’m not supposed to encourage relationships in the ward, but I do think you should tell him, Reo. You talk about him as if he hung the stars in the night sky, I think you deserve to tell him.”
Reo nodded, letting her words swirl around his head for a few seconds. “Okay. I’ll tell him since you think I should.”
“It’ll work out for you, Reo, I’m sure of it.”
“I hope so,” he mumbled in response. “Would kinda suck if the first person I ever loved didn’t at least like me back.”
Reo spent the rest of the evening pacing around his room, trying so desperately to figure out how he was going to confess to Nagi. He had never done this before, what if he messes up his words? What if his mind just goes blank in the middle of it?
It felt juvenile to him feeling so freaked out over this, but he had always been an overthinker, much to his detriment. Maybe he just shouldn’t tell Nagi, it’d be better that way.
Nagi slipped into his room at half past midnight, sliding into the bed and laying half on top of Reo, moving to squish their faces together. “You’re comfy,” he mumbled, voice muffled by the collar of Reo’s shirt.
“I’m glad you think so,” Reo laughed, moving to run one of his hands through Nagi’s hair, getting a hum of appreciation in response.
If there was anything Nagi loved about this world, it was getting his head rubbed.
The two laid like that for a while, occasionally sharing small kisses and soft touches.
“Nagi, can I tell you something?” Reo mumbled, figuring now was the best time to confess.
“Yeah,” Nagi hummed, turning his head to look at Reo.
“I think I’m in love with you,” he breathed out, refusing to look at Nagi’s face in fear of rejection.
“Hey, look at me,” Nagi said softly, gently gripping Reo’s jaw so he would look at him. “I think I love you too,” he said, not breaking the eye contact they had.
Reo grinned, leaning closer to Nagi and connecting their lips, an unfamiliar bubbly feeling filling his chest as they laid wrapped in each other, whispering soft promises of the future once they’re both free from the confines of this ward.
***
“When do you get released?” Nagi had asked Reo when they were out sitting in the yard, pressed right against each other in a shady spot, taking in the cool morning breeze.
“Two months now if I remember correctly,” Reo hummed, fiddling with Nagi’s hand. “Not too excited about it, though. Not ready for my parents to be on my ass about every single little thing again.”
“Just try your best to ignore them, and if they keep bothering you just try to stay away from them as much as possible.”
“I wish it was that easy,” Reo sighed. “They had me locked in the house all day before I came here, and I’m sure it’ll be the same when I go back.”
Nagi frowned, pulling Reo closer to him and pressing a soft kiss to his temple. “I’m sorry,” he murmured.
“I’m used to it. Might try and get out of there occasionally though, gonna have to come back here and visit you whenever I can.”
“You’d come back to visit me?”
“Nagi,” Reo started, turning so he could look at the boy next to him. “I think I would go crazy if I didn’t get to see you after leaving here.”
His words caused a blush to build up on Nagi’s face as the boy looked away for a second. “Good,” he mumbled. “I think I’d go crazy if I wouldn't get to see you too.”
“Are you sure your parents would let you come and see me?”
Reo rested his head on Nagi’s shoulder as he grabbed his hand. “Nothing is going to get in my way of coming back to you. I will always be here, be with you, no matter what I have to do to get here.”
Nagi turned to press a kiss into the side of Reo’s head before staring out back into the yard. “Even if I don’t get out of here again?”
“Even if you have to stay here for a while longer.”
The two sat in peaceful silence for the rest of the time they were allowed outside.
***
Reo was starting to wish that he wasn’t getting released from the ward in just six short weeks. If someone had told him almost five months ago that he would want to stay here, he would’ve called them crazy.
Ms. Watanabe keeps telling him that he should be happy to finally be able to go back home, to not have to be constantly monitored or pestered with the therapy sessions that he hates so much.
How was he supposed to be happy knowing that he was leaving Nagi behind? They had spent nearly every waking minute together, sleeping curled up in the same bed, sharing their first times at everything together, how the hell was he supposed to be happy knowing that he wouldn’t have that anymore?
Only being able to see Nagi for a few hours twice a week once he’s released is going to kill him. His only solace in this shitty world, the one person who has seen all of him, seen him as an actual human being with feelings , not just some pawn to take over the goddamn family company one day.
Reo started spiraling after that thought. Pacing around the cold room once more, unable to form any coherent thought other than the ones plaguing him about leaving. He knew he was crying, as embarrassing as that was as he rubbed at his eyes, trying to erase the tears as quickly as they fell.
Maybe he should’ve never taken the advice of Ms. Watanabe and gotten close to someone. He should’ve just stayed alone, getting through his time here as quietly as possible. Reo was sure that being this codependent with someone wasn't healthy, but it happened anyway. Nagi was the one thing that was tethering him to this world, the one thing that made him want to be better.
He didn’t know that Nagi had come into his room until he collided with the boy, Nagi’s arms immediately going to wrap around his smaller frame, pulling him into his chest.
“What’s wrong?” He had said softly, bringing one of his hands up to run through his hair.
Reo gripped Nagi’s shirt, trying to calm his breathing before he even attempted to speak. “I don’t want to leave you,” he mumbled.
“I don’t want you to leave, either,” Nagi hummed, slowly guiding them both to Reo’s bed so they could sit down. “You’ve always hated it in here though, Reo. You’ll be able to heal better back home whether you think so or not. You’ve been doing so good , you deserve to finally get out of here.”
“I’m not going to be able to do good without you next to me,” Reo sniffled, another sob wracking his body. “I’ve gotten too used to you being next to me no matter what.”
“Look at me, Reo,” Nagi said, gently lifting Reo’s head before pressing their foreheads together. “You will be able to keep healing without me there. You are so much stronger than you think you are, I’ve seen your growth in just the short time of being with you.”
Both of Nagi’s hands were now cupping Reo’s cheeks, brushing away any tears that were falling. “You’re my strong, beautiful boy. You’ll do great without me, Reo. I know you will.”
“I’m gonna miss you, Nagi,” Reo sniffled. “It’s gonna be too hard only being able to see you during visiting hours.”
“We’ll just have to make the most of our visits when they happen,” Nagi cooed, pressing a kiss to Reo’s forehead. “We’ll get through it together, I promise you.”
All Reo could do was nod, worn out from all the crying. The two boys maneuvered their way to lay down on the bed, Reo pressing his body up against Nagi’s as he fell into a restless slumber.
Nagi watched Reo sleep for a while, running his hand softly up and down his back, his heart hurting at the thought of not seeing the boy who broke through his exterior quicker than he had ever hoped.
Were they going to be okay through this?
***
Two weeks. Just two weeks and Reo would be getting released. He tried not to dwell on that thought too much, tried to bury it deep down in his heart to keep the thoughts out of his head, to keep him from having to acknowledge it.
Of course, that didn’t help whenever Ms. Watanabe would bring it up and he’d be reduced to tears in her office.
Reo had never cried this much in his life, save for the few times he’d get hurt as a kid. Hell, he never even cried when he was ripping into his skin, numb to the feeling.
He had wondered if this is what heartbreak felt like. He didn’t even know if this could even count as heartbreak- its not like Nagi and him were going to break up when he got released. They’d still be able to see each other.
The two of them were still glued to each other’s hips, not even bothering to sleep in separate rooms anymore, the risk of getting caught too far out of their minds at this point.
Reo had never expected to fall as fast or as hard as he did, but God was he so glad that he did. A lot had changed from the first time they had exchanged words, and he wouldn’t trade it for the world.
“You have anything on your mind?” Nagi’s voice had pulled him from his train of thought, bringing him back to the bed they were both currently curled up on. Nagi laid completely on top of him at this point, his sweatshirt halfway across the room as Reo mindlessly traced circles around his sides, carefully brushing over the raised scars that littered the other boy’s body.
“Not really,” Reo shrugged, adjusting himself so he could get a better look at Nagi. “Just glad that you’re here.”
Nagi let out a small laugh, pulling one of Reo’s hands to his face as he pressed soft kisses to his knuckles. “You know there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
“I’m glad I met you,” Reo whispered, his hands tracing further up Nagi’s body as he pulled him closer, not wanting to let go.
Nagi raised his head, placing a kiss on Reo’s lips as a small smile bloomed on his face. “I’m glad I met you too, Reo.”
***
Today was a Monday, and Reo was getting released on Thursday. It had come up on him too fast, too soon . The thought of going home was beginning to make him nauseated.
“How do you feel about getting released in a few days, Reo?” Ms. Watanabe had asked him, glancing over expectantly in his direction.
“I don’t feel any certain way about it,” he shrugged, staring down at his feet. “I know I should be happy that I’m getting released so soon, others would kill to be in my position. I don't know, though. What if I just fall right back into the place I was before I ended up getting admitted?”
“You’ve come a long way since you got here, Reo. I say this with full sincerity when I tell you that I believe there will be no regressing to how you were before.”
Reo just nodded, taking in a deep breath. “Do you think it’ll get easier?”
“What do you mean, Reo?”
“Will not being able to see Nagi as much get easier? I think that's what I’m most worried about at the moment. Not having to go back home, not having to think about my mind, just how I’ll be without seeing him every day.”
“I think it’ll get easier with time. It may be a hard transition at first, especially with how close the two of you have gotten over the past few months, but you’ll learn to manage it.”
“It scares me to think about it. I know he still isn’t doing the best despite him trying to hide it from me. I can see in his eyes that he’s still struggling. I won’t be able to watch over him, to make sure that he’s doing alright, even on his worst days.”
“Oh Reo,” Ms. Watanabe said softly, a sad smile tugging at her lips. “We’ll keep an eye on him on the days you’re not able to. Nothing will happen to him, I promise.”
“Are you sure?” He asked, finally lifting his gaze from the floor, his eyes finally meeting her’s for the first time this session. “I worry about him sometimes.”
“I’m sure, Reo. He’s safe here, even on his worst days we will do our very best to make sure he’s supported and listened to with any concerns he may have.”
Reo nodded, fiddling with his hands in his lap. “Thank you,” he murmured, “I just want him to be okay.”
Ms. Watanabe flashed him another small smile at his words, reaching over and placing a soft hand on his knee to comfort him. “You love him, don’t you?”
“Yea,” Reo sighed, looking back down to the floor. “I do.”
***
The next four days went by in a blur, much to Reo’s dismay.
Tuesday , he had spent the entire day sitting in front of the tv in the common room, Nagi pressed right up against his side as they tried to beat each other in Mario Kart. Reo had one the first few rounds, gloating about his victories as Nagi laughed along, whispering soft praises in his ear whenever the boy had gotten excited over hitting someone with a blue shell.
Reo got many congratulatory kisses later that night, in the solace of his room, much to his delight.
Wednesday , they had spent the first half of the day outside, kicking a soccer ball around the yard, Reo cheering anytime Nagi had gotten new moves down, running over to him and looping his arms around the taller boy, pressing wet kisses to his cheeks as he happily chattered about how he was so proud of how skilled he had become at playing.
They had spent the rest of the night pressed up against each other into the early hours of the morning, sharing soft touches and muted sounds of pleasure for what would be their last time getting to spend intimate moments of love and peace together.
Waking up on Thursday morning had to be one of Reo’s worst days. Packing up the few belongings that he had with him, with Nagi silently sitting by his side was killing him inside. He was afraid to speak, knowing that the second he did everything would become real.
He was leaving in just under an hour. Reo was about to be pulled away from the one person who has ever truly loved him way too soon.
He turned to Nagi after zipping up his back, a crushing weight on his chest taking over him as he saw the boy just looking at him, eyes brimming with tears that were threatening to fall at any moment.
Reo couldn’t help himself when he almost launched himself into Nagi’s arms, finally breaking when he felt the boy’s arms tighten around his back almost immediately. He could just barely hear the sound of Nagi’s crying over his own, burying his head into the other’s neck as he sobbed.
The reality of everything finally sank in as he pulled away from Nagi, pressing his hands to his cheeks as he wiped away the tears that had fallen perfectly across his face. “I’m gonna miss you so fucking much,” he breathed out, voice still wobbly.
Nagi tried to huff out a laugh as he grabbed one of Reo’s hands from his face, pressing soft kisses to his knuckles. “I’m going to miss you too, more than I could ever put into words,” he responded quietly, gazing into Reo’s eyes. Something unreadable was lurking in his eyes, Reo had noticed as he was looking at the boy, something that he couldn’t quite pinpoint.
He chose to ignore it.
“We’re gonna be okay, though. It’ll all be okay.”
Nagi flashed him a small smile. “I know it will be,” he said while giving Reo’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “Everything is okay when I’m with you.”
Reo glanced over at the clock on the wall, noting that he had five minutes until he was set to leave.
“I’ll come to visit you as much as I can,” he said, trying to bite back another sob as he leaned forward and kissed Nagi’s forehead.
“I’ll hold you to that,” Nagi tried to joke, squeezing Reo’s hands once more. “You have to go now, I’m sure they’re waiting on you at the reception desk for discharge.”
Reo nodded, moving to stand up and grab his bag. “I love you, Nagi,” he said quietly, taking one more look at him. Nagi smiled sadly at him, wiping at his face.
“I love you too, Reo. Always.”
With that, Reo turned on his heels, walking out of the room where he had all of his firsts, the room where he first realized that he was in love with Nagi. The cold, sterile ward room that taunted him with his own thoughts when he had first arrived.
He didn’t look back as he stepped through the doorway, knowing that if he looked back his heart would be shattered once more. He moved through the halls quickly, staring straight ahead as he made his way to the reception desk, the all too familiar feeling of dread filling his body once more as he caught sight of his parents signing the discharge paperwork.
Reo didn’t want to leave, the place where he’d be going back to wasn’t home anymore. His home was here, his home was Nagi. He put on his brave face as he approached his parents, them just giving him quick glances as his dad grabbed his bag, ushering him out of the ward without a word.
It seems as though nothing as changed in the six months he had been gone, his parents still as cold as ever as they drove back to his house in complete silence, save for a few hushed words exchanged between the two of them, Reo sighing as he leaned against the window, trying to tune out the world.
He was met with the same silence, later that night as they had all gathered around the table to eat dinner. “Are you guys just going to ignore me completely now?” He finally snapped, breaking the silence.
“There’s nothing to say to you right now,” his mom shot back immediately. “You embarrassed us with your antics, do you know what all we had to deal with while you were gone? All of the questioning on where you were at?”
Reo snorted as he pushed his food around his plate, glaring at his mother. “It’s always about you guys, isn't it? Nothing about your child trying to die after years of always being on the back burner? How is it that you two have become the victims once again?”
“Reo, do not talk to your mother like that,” his dad’s voice cut in. “Having a child that does something as stupid as you did is no easy feat. We’ve given you everything you could’ve ever needed, and all you’ve done is taken it for granted.”
“All I’ve ever wanted was to feel loved by my parents!” Reo raised his voice. “I do not care about all of the materialistic bullshit you both use to try and buy my affection. I never wanted to be pushed into doing half of the things you made me do, I don't want to be your puppet for the company. I don't want to be the one who has to deal with all of the bullshit that you pin on me. I just want my parents to see me as a fucking person , not a pawn.”
“You are the heir to the company, Reo. We push you because we know you have potential. You are next in line to take over after I retire, that’s what we are preparing you for.”
“I don’t want to take over the fucking company! I want to live my own life, why can't you guys understand that?”
Reo’s dad shook his head as he looked at his son. “Go to your room, Reo. I’ve had enough of this.”
Reo laughed once more, standing up and roughly pushing the chair under the table as he left the dining room, slamming the door to his bedroom behind him before flopping onto his bed. I should’ve asked to extend my stay , he thought to himself as he gazed up at his ceiling.
***
Reo was out of his house as much as he possibly could be ever since he had gotten back. Either spending most of his days at the ward visiting Nagi, or just sitting in a park for hours on end, mind swirling once more.
It hadn’t gotten any easier with his parents, all of them maintaining distance and barely speaking unless it was him getting called down for dinner, even then he would spend the entire time picking at his plate, not having an appetite.
“They still aren’t talking to you?” Nagi had asked him the last time he was visiting.
“Not more than they have to,” Reo just shrugged. “Don’t know what I was expecting though. I’m not the child they wanted, so why would they treat me like I was?”
Nagi just frowned at him, taking his hand in his as he rested his head against Reo’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I wish things were different.”
Reo shrugged, brushing off his words. “I’m used to it. Tell me what’s new with you, are you doing okay?”
“I’d be lying if I said I was doing alright,” Nagi sighed. “It’s hard with you not here, but I’m managing the best I can. They did start to make me have extra therapy sessions, though. I don’t think they’re really doing anything, but I have no choice.”
“They’ll start to work,” Reo said as he pressed a kiss to Nagi’s temple. “It’ll just take some time.”
The two sat in silence for the rest of the visit, just trying to take in each other’s presence for as long as they could.
***
Reo knew something was wrong when he woke up one Tuesday morning, rain pelting the windows in his bedroom. It was an unsettling feeling that was worming its way into his chest, unable to understand exactly what it was.
The feeling only grew when he rolled over to check his phone, a message from Ms. Watanabe flashed across his screen. She had slipped him her number after their last session, swearing him to secrecy before saying that she would give him updates on Nagi whenever he asked for one.
He didn’t quite understand why she was asking him to come up to the ward, it wasn’t a day that allowed visitors. Reo could feel his heart in his throat as he rushed to get dressed, hurrying out of his house without saying a word to anybody. Luckily their driver was already up, and with a little begging finally gave in and drove him to the ward. He had sent a quick message back to the woman saying that he was on his way before he slipped his phone into his pocket, glancing out the window as thoughts of everything filled his mind.
The uneasy feeling was only confirmed as he stepped into the building, Ms. Watanabe already waiting for him with a dim look on her face. “Thank you for coming, Reo,” she said softly, motioning for him to come over to her.
“What’s wrong?” Reo questioned as she led him to her office. She waved for him to take a seat as she sat next to him, very obviously debating on how to tell him what she needed to.
“He’s gone, Reo,” she said quietly, looking over at him.
“Who, Nagi? Like he got released without telling me?” He asked, steady denial seeping into his voice. He was hoping that she wasn’t about to tell him anything worse, but he knew deep down that wasn’t the case.
“Reo, my sweetheart, he’s gone . I’m so sorry.”
His breath hitched as he felt his world shatter around him. Numb was all he could feel at that moment as he fell into Ms. Watanabe’s already waiting arms, clutching her shirt as he sobbed. She rubbed his back as he cried, letting him get it all out. “I’m so sorry, sweetie. We noticed him slowly shutting us all out over the past few weeks, we tried so hard to monitor him as best we could. He just slipped out into the yard a few days ago and we didn’t find him until the morning after.”
Reo wanted to scream at that moment, tell her that the staff obviously weren’t doing enough if Nagi was able to get away that easily. If they had watched him better, if they had talked to him more, then maybe he’d still be here.
His Nagi would still be here.
“We found something that he left for you while we were going through his things,” Ms. Watanabe said softly, handing him a piece of paper as he pulled away. He rubbed at his eyes, thumbs grazing the note as he tried to calm his breathing.
“Thank you,” he mumbled, looking up to meet her gaze. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Of course, Reo. I know how much he meant to you.”
Reo just nodded as he stood up from the couch, saying a quick goodbye to the woman before walking out of the ward for the last time, paper in hand as he told the driver to take him back home.
He said nothing as he entered his house, breezing by his parents questioning glances as he went up to his room, locking the door behind him as he took a deep breath, sitting down on his bed before opening up the folded piece of paper.
***
Reo,
I don’t know the words to say to make this any easier for you. I know you’ll be mad, upset, and heartbroken. I haven’t been doing good at all since you left, it was even getting harder to keep it all from you whenever you’d visit.
Nothing could’ve been done to avoid this inevitably happening. My life has not been an easy one, and you know that. There was never a chance for me to get better, a chance for me to live life as a normal person. My mind is akin to a black hole, sucking everything in and destroying it.
The only time I felt true happiness was with you. Thank you for showing me the love you thought I deserved. Thank you for helping me feel alive, even if it was just for a little while. You’re the best thing to ever come into my life.
I love you, Reo, more than words could ever describe. Please continue on for me, find your happiness, find your peace in this world. You deserve it more than you think you do.
Make a name for yourself doing something you’re proud of. Live for me, too.
My sun on a dark day, the air in my lungs. Half of me is you, Reo. Please don’t forget that.
Nagi.
***
Reo fell into an uneasy sleep clutching the letter in his hands that night, his face puffy and stained with tears.
The coming weeks continued on in a constant cycle of waking up, leaving the house, and sitting in the park, Nagi’s letter always in Reo’s hold. Time was supposed to heal all wounds, and Reo would have to wait to see if that saying was ever true.
He had his tough days, locking himself in his room to cry until nothing more came out until his voice was gone from the sobs that took over his body.
His parents chastised him for it, telling him to stop shedding tears over someone that he would’ve never known otherwise, with Reo just shutting them out.
For they would never know the boy like Reo did.
They would never know the force that was Nagi Seishiro, they would never know the impact that he had on Reo’s life. The late nights and love that bloomed for the very first time in his heart whenever he was with him.
Nagi Seishiro had changed Reo’s entire outlook on life within the short year that he had known him. He had taught Reo how to live , how to be his own person.
Reo was going to make his own path in life now, using anything to his advantage to build up exactly what he wanted. He was going to go to school, and create whatever he wanted, all in memory of the boy who showed him that he was so much more than he thought he was.
He owed it to Nagi, to carry on just like he had asked, with the last words ever written to him in his mind throughout everything.
Half of me is you.