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It was too late for this shit.
It was only 9PM, and you weren't going to bed for another two hours or so, but that didn't change the fact that it was far too late for any of this nonsense and it doesn't fucking help that your past chose tonight, of all nights, to infringe upon the peace you'd set up for yourself.
"I want to see my child."
Even though he stood a good three feet from your door, the acidic fumy smell of alcohol was hard to miss. Slightly covering your nose (purely out of spite), you rolled your eyes at the man before you.
"Keigo, we've gone over this."
"Gone over what?" He gruffly rolls out, his eyes squinting at your seemingly far away figure.
You can't help but let out a sigh as you tighten the rope of your silk dressing gown. Ironic, because it was Keigo who had brought you the very garment but like all gifts; once given away, they were no longer yours.
"About you showing up at my door?"
Keigo cluelessly blinked at you.
With an exasperated sigh you decided, out of the bountiful graciousness of your heart, to rejog his memory.
"You agreed that you'd check with me to schedule when's a good time to see your kid. Not call and say you're on your way, not show up without notice — Text and Schedule. If you want to keep seeing her then you've got to respect those boundaries."
"Oh." He said.
He wanted to continue speaking but he paused in order to harshly swallow back a chuck-up. God, he was such a mess.
The haggard blonde man let out a belch. He slightly swayed but he was still able to stand on his own two feet without any support. It looks like he was more tipsy than drunk but it still didn't help the fact that he'd shown up intoxicated.
"Well, I don't remember that. Sorry, I...I guess but I'm here now and I just want to see her so please let me see her."
A dry laughed unsuspectingly ripped from your throat.
For a second, you had forgotten why you and Keigo didn't work out in the first place. But it's fine because not even five minutes into this conversation and he was already reminding you that his audacity was one of the biggest factors.
Looking the man up and down, your face reflects that of borderline hysteria.
"And what makes you think imma let you see her in this state? After you show up unannounced, past her bed time and reeking of alcohol? Huh, Kei?"
A long groan left the man's throat as he slowly started to close his eyes. He really hated arguing with you.
"I-I know, I'm sorry--"
"You really thought I was gonna let you waltz in here and--"
"Just, please!"
Keigo knows he's unjustly raised his voice at you and as soon as he's done it he's remorseful because the expression on your face is truly making him feel more nauseous by the minute.
But it's not his fault, he thinks. Right now, he was truly so stressed out and you always trying to 'start an argument' with him didn't help and his senses were so overexerted and raw and fuck, did he leave his headphones in the Uber?!
Either way, Keigo doesn't know how to remedy this minute blip up with you. All he wanted to do was see his child (and maybe you too) but it looks he was fucking even that up.
Ruffling his hands through his hair, Keigo frustratedly groans before offering you a piss poor waiver of an excuse.
"Please...Let me...go drink some water or something. I'll...give me ten minutes, man. Just give me ten minutes and let me go to the corner store, I'll buy some water. I'll sober up a bit but just...please. I just need to see her."
His voice sounded so exasperated. And to be honest, you didn't deny that he was.
At the end of the day, you knew you'd always have a soft place in your heart for the man. For crying out loud, he was the father of your child and once the love of your absolute life. You hadn't left him because he wasn't good to you. You left him because he wasn't good to himself.
Voluntarily allowing himself to self-destruct through the guise of his peers and the habits he never wanted to let go of. It wasn't the father figure you wanted your child to constantly witness growing up and Keigo agreed.
That doesn't mean he didn't miss the both of you though.
Still, you contemplated his offer. Letting him sober up before seeing his daughter was the least you could do, concerning he was already here, but it wasn’t until you heard the gradual movement at the top of the stairs that you realised it may have been too late.
"Daddy? Is that you?"
Hearing the voice of his daughter, Keigo automatically perked up. He even stepped right towards the entrance of the door, his face genuinely lighting up.
"Hey baby! Hey. Yeah, it's me." He said through the gap.
As the smaller patters of feeting came down the stairs, Keigo gave you a look of uncertainty. He knows he promised to sober up first, get himself together and recalibrate, but now that your daughter was aware of his presence, he couldn't just leave.
What if she felt like he was abandoning her again?
You softly chewed the bottom of your lip, as the conflicting opinions raged war throughout your head. Yet in that split second, you had to make a decision.
Slightly opening the door a bit wider, you indirectly gave Keigo access.
The man gave you a look of bewildered gratitude before stepping in further to finally meet your daughter at the bottom of the stairs.
“Hey, superstar!”
The little girl jumped into his arms with a sweet bell of laughter and as always, Keigo caught her in his arm and spun her round a few times as he held her close.
"I never knew you were coming. If I knew, I would have asked to stay up later!" She said once Keigo placed her down.
Crouching to her height, the blonde pitifully gave his daughter a look of regret as he quickly squeezed just under her chin in an action of endearment.
He was so sure his breath reeked and that his face was a mess but if his daughter noticed, she didn’t say anything above it.
"Sorry, kiddo. My bad. It was a bit of a last minute decision but I just really wanted to come see you."
Your daughter nodded before slightly jumping in place, her hands clasped together.
"Did you bring me any gifts?!”
Keigo’s eyes widened.
Fuck.
He was so distracted, so fixtated on being one-track minded that he had forgotten to bring his daughter a present.
Of course it wasn’t intentional. It was just a lil something he did, to make up for the times he couldn’t be there. Not like it solved anything but it was something. But currently, he had nothing.
Things really weren’t working out like he’d wanted them to today. Keigo now realises how in the spur of the moment, he’d been selfish in turning up here and demand he get to see his daughter.
He’d completely disregarded that showing up was partially for her too.
With a bashful expression, he apologises.
"I...no. Not this time.” He pauses to suppress a belch. “I'm sorry."
"Naww..." The small girl’s shoulders sagged. Her bottom lip softly jutted out in disappointment and for a moment of pure conceitedness, Keigo noticed how she was almost a spitting image of him.
However, as quickly as she’d seemed sad, her attitude perked up.
"It’s okay if you don’t bring me any presents though. I'm just happy to see youuuu." She said really loudly which earned an endearing chuckle from her father.
How on earth was he blessed with such an understanding daughter and how the fuck did he mess the life he had up?
(Don’t tell him, because he knows exactly how, but sometimes it’s easier to think about the ‘what ifs’ rather than the ‘what nows’s.)
Bouncing in her spot again, your daughter took ahold of Keigo’s hand as she waved his arm like a battle rope.
"Ouh, ouh! Do you wanna come up and see my feather collection?! It's gotten a lot bigger since the last time you saw it and my teacher said it really impressed her and that I might be able to bring it in for show-and-tell!"
Keigo’s spirits were momentarily uplifted. He was always so enthusiastic to see what his daughter had been up to, even if he did think her hobbies were a bit weird.
But before he could answer, the blonde heard you clear your throat from behind him.
Right. Of course.
He was still only a visitor, even in a place he once called home.
Keigo cautiously looked to the side. He wasn’t brave enough to turn around and face you or find out what expression you had right now.
Looking back at his daughter, he gave her yet another remorseful look.
“I...I'd love to bambina but daddy…daddy can't stay for too long and you've got school tomorrow."
The younger girl, bounced even more. She bent her head and back in protest before the once again pleaded her father.
"But I promise it won't take long! Just five minutes!"
Keigo could feel another belch coming on but he had to hold it back. He was such a mess, such a nasty wreck, but his daughter still wanted him of all people to be proud of her.
But God, the things he’d do, pay, kill just to be able to go up with her. But he knows he couldn’t because he’d already messed that up once.
Reluctantly standing back up again, Keigo slightly staggered backwards as he fiddled his fingers with each other.
"I’d love to but I really gotta go now. I’m sorry, I promise I’ll come see it the next time I visit.”
The dejected look on the younger girl’s face brought back the nausea Keigo was feeling from before. This was honestly so dehumanising because all he’s done tonight is apologise and disappoint.
Finally making your presence known again, you stepped closer towards the two. With a warm smile, you beckoned your head upwards in the direction of the bedrooms.
“Alright, c’mon, baby. Go head to your room. I’ll come tuck you in, in just a bit, but lemme talk to daddy first, okay?”
Looking up at the two of you with doe eyes, the girl tried to persuade you with her cuteness, using the adoration you both had for her to stay up longer, but alas her tactics failed.
Not like you didn’t find her cute, but there were only so many liberties you could no longer take these days.
Seeing that neither of you were cooperative, your daughter sighed loudly.
“Alllriiiight.”
The girl got up to two steps before shouting back,
“Night, Dad! Love you!”
If a dagger was stuck between his skin, cartilage and heart, then right now, Keigo knows the dagger was being jaggedly twisted anti-clockwise. He was just opening up prior wounds being here.
“Love you too, kid.” He mumbled.
You watched the man for a few seconds, truly feeling a sense of pity for him but once you realised the time (and how he was technically unwelcome), common sense kicked in.
“Alright then, Kei. Ready to head out?” You asked. You didn’t want this to last any longer than it had to.
The blonde man took a long inhale. He held his breath, his cheeks slightly bulging before he breathed out, and then turned to lay his forehead on your shoulder.
The familiar feeling of Keigo's forehead on top of you startled your inner being. You figured, good-heartedly, that maybe this was just the alcohol edging him on, that no way was he in his right mind. But you hadn't realised that you were still oh so set to the warmth of his person. The way your body slotted into his felt so comfortable, dangerously comfortable.
But you didn't know what to do.
Should you leave him be? Or chastise him to know better? Either way, there was only one thing you could think of which you knew how to do best.
"Keigo..." You whispered, your voice catching at the back of your throat.
The man only hummed, clearly unaware of your inner turmoil, but it's through his disparity that you made up your own mind and so you patted his back to lightly push him off you. So that he could get the message.
Feeling you touch him back, Keigo mildly snorted, as if the action had awoken him.
"Oh. Sorry." Keigo raised his head to look at you.
His eyes were hooded yet familiarly beady as his iris' washed over your face. His breath was practically mingling with yours, heavy and ladened with the weight and responsibility of fermenting alcohol.
With how close the two of you were, there was an assurance in your heart that he was going to kiss you, and that you were going to slip up and kiss him back.
But suddenly, your words from earlier echoed dully at the back of Keigo's mind. The one time where you would have allowed room for a mistake was the time Keigo finally registered that no more mistakes would be dismissed.
Keigo took one last look over your face, trying his absolute darnest to work out whether there was more than just disapproval behind your expression.
"Forgive me. Old habits." was all he could muster once his hazed mind admitted it couldn't read you good enough to figure it out.
Your heart surprisingly sunk but you figured it was for the best. You were just about getting over the man and encouraging yourself to move on. There was no reason for you to be the dog that went back to it's vomit.
Letting go of a breath you didn't know you were holding, you feebly nodded to the side.
"I...It's okay. Those things happen."
And it's in that moment in which you knew you should have told him to go. You knew the moment as soon as it came but you didn't take it. Stupidly, you gave him room to breathe.
Seeing his opening, Keigo took a hold of your hand and fiddled with two of your fingers as he swayed to and fro.
"I miss you..." He slurred.
Shaking your head, you pleaded for him to stop.
"Keigo, don't—”
"I miss you and our home. I miss the life we had...I miss waking up next to you in the morning and—" An unexcused belch left his mouth. "Going to sleep with you and... in the night. And...and...I miss the baby...I wanted more...babies."
Your breath hiked at the back of your throat. A pitiful grin left Keigo's lips as he looked over you with hazed eyes. Even with the state he was in, he still knew that it was you he wanted.
"I wanted so big...such a big family with you. I had dreams with you. I still do.”
Letting go of his hand, you moved away from the man.
"Shut up, Keigo. Please. I'm being serious, you're making me really upset right now."
He wasn't making you upset. He was making you regret your decision in leaving him.
He didn't need to know that, but you also knew it wasn't the way forward. Even after breaking it off with him, there was still iniquity in his lifestyle that he wasn't willing to change for you and your daughter.
Just look at him now, still doing the same things that got him in this mess.
Despite his lack of cognitive comprehension, Keigo was able to realise that your resolve was legit.
"Sorry."
He mutters.
There was a slight pause.
"That's the only thing you've been saying all night."
You didn't mean to say it so loud. You only meant to say that under your breath, thinking Keigo was even too sloshed to pick it up, but he did.
He did.
The man momentarily froze in his place. You could practically see the gears working in his head, the recognition that you had caught on to his excuse of an act.
Keigo wiped a hand down his face.
"I know. Sorry. Fuck, I know." He whispered back.
And for a split second, you thought that maybe he had repented, but as soon as he let out an extensive belch, you retracted it.
Shuffling towards the front door, you opened it up a bit further. You didn't have to say anything. Keigo already knew that his time was up.
Pivoting on his feet, Keigo messily pointed towards the door as if you hadn’t opened it for him to leave first.
"I should...probably get going." He mumbles, his eyes downcast and unfocused.
Curling your lip inwards, you held the door open as you stood by the side. You could only watch as the man shuffled his way out.
“You sure you gon’ get home okay? Not gonna call an Uber or anything?” You pried.
Even after all this time, you still worried, cared, for his well being.
Keigo shook his head, already stepping out the front door but not without almost tripping up on the step. Once he corrected his footing, he splayed his arms out for balance. It took him a few seconds to regain it but once he did, he was set on his way again.
“Don’t worry ‘bout me. I’ll be fine.” He ironically slurs out.
You could only but stare longingly as the man ushered himself out. With a heavy sigh, you semi closed the door whilst still peeping out. You remember doing the exact same thing when you used to see him off for work.
“Take care of yourself, Keigo.” You say a bit lower.
The man continued walking without turning back. He only raised his hand in acknowledgment of you words. Once he heard the click of your front door close, Keigo took a jagged shaky breath.
He fucking hates how he performed today. Despises it. Everything he did was just so wrong and incorrect.
He had showed up on drunk conclusion that maybe he could get his old life back, get his family back. But after tonight, he knows he’s done nothing but cement his lost and his future fate.
Why didn’t he just be honest from the start?! Why couldn’t he had just fixed up from the start?!
People had warned him time and time again but he never took heed. He never thought you’d take action, just always though you’d tolerate him time after time.
But he guesses everyone had their limits; even heart eyed smitten you. But now look at him; stood tipsy in the pitch dark of night, outside of his old home with nowhere to go.
He’ll try Enji’s house, he thinks. He’s only three doors down.
Keigo couldn’t even stagger five steps beyond the province of your house before throwing up the contents of his stomach into a bush.