Chapter Text
That frantic pacing.... You know. You just know you must ask. The detox is going not so great and you feel like you are too “awake” in the moment. What was the point in combing your hair? It's not like people cared anyway. It is not like you care.
The walls made you sick. Rushing to get out of the house, don’t forget the keys, windows closed... But should you really go? Frustrated, you start to pace around. Picking the skin around your nails you realize that wherever you look, there was always one little speckle of dust to be cleaned.
“Fuck! - you slammed your fist at the door, your knees almost buckling beneath you.
Giving an exasperated angry sigh, you shook your head, knowing what your body was craving. But you could not drink. Usually, by this time, your feelings were marinating as you blasted some Stevie Nicks and twirled until you passed you on the bed. But today that wouldn’t happen.
It was part of the detox. One day at the time.
“One. Day. At. The. Time...” - You muttered between teeth, ripping out your “formal attire” that it was mandatory, threw on a large hoodie, some pants and flung the necklace to the other side of the room.
You were about two weeks down with the detox, and have broken it five times. But you’re trying. It was necessary to put you stable on the right tracks, and you are refusing to go down again. No alcohol, just be grateful, walk away from toxic situations, every day was a day. A slow progress, nevertheless, but then came the questions. And you just must ask.
You were not going where you supposed to. A formal party, gallery opening from one of your colleagues. Just fuck it, have they ever done anything for you either? Was it rude to not show up? But then again, you were somewhat forced...
“Ow!” - you yelped, seeing the blood around your nails. Picked until oblivion, huh?
Not even the pain was distracting your mind. No need to think about the question or how he would react. Oh my god, are you serious, asking a vamp-
Shaking your head, you are headed for the roof of your apartment, thinking the fresh night air will get you in a state of a trance, making you forget your current thoughts. Just briefly.
You slammed the skylight door and rapidly went upstairs. Inside you were really eager to see him, but then again, the feeling you are feeling now may not be the same when you see him.
Slightly regretting your decision to meet up, you slumped down on the roof, trying to clean the blood of your finger.
“Looking very focused there!” - he said, seamlessly appearing out of nowhere, like he always does.
You gave a small smile, almost loosing yourself in his deep blue eyes. Just for a moment, you almost forgot the question, lingering on the sound of his voice. Suddenly turning your head around, you start to play with the sleeves of your hoodie. Should you ask?
His graceful movements passed almost unnoticed by the corner of your eyes as he sat beside you.
You couldn’t look him straight in the eye, getting slightly nervous.
“Anxiety?” - He inquired.
“No, detox.” - You looked down on your feet, trying to fixate your focus in one spot, but the uneasy feeling ran through your blood, and you started to get anxious.
“And how is the detox going?” - he asked, already knowing the answer.
“It’s.... going shitty. It’s hard...” - You sighed, not wanting to talk anymore about the detox, feeling helplessly uncomfortable, but God damnit, he knows how it is. Withdrawals are the worse.
Looking at him, suddenly, you know you must ask. It was the right time.
“Lestat...” - you were pensive... “What is death?”
You got it out. Swallowing a lump, asking a vampire what was death wasn’t bright on your part. A flood of emotions went past and you are not sure how to react. And his reaction? How would he react to it? Well, it is done now, right?
“Liz, just talk to me. What is troubling you?” - his voice was stern and soft, or were you just imagining things?
Rubbing your face, forcing yourself to vomiting words, was all a part of the process.
“I... I am sacred of death. As... As one should. I want to live... I...” - Tears were gathering in the corners of your eyes as you looked for his expression, his understanding of things.
“Start from the beginning, love. Lather the steps”
You gathered yourself, even if all you wanted was to throw yourself in his arms, to be safe, to not be talking about any of this.
“Alot of people around me are dying. Be it family, friends, celebrities that I admire... I’m simply scared of dying, scared of being alone because I have made memories, connections, everything. The world is made up of all these things and they are disappearing. I’m simply scared, and forcing myself on this detox it makes me feel like shit. It feels like I’m stuck in time!” - Tears were running but it was too late now. Forcing the rest of it out, you poured your feelings, not caring about anything at this point.
“I have always loved people, their essence. I went on the detox because I was toxic, a bad person with bad intentions. Constantly that I am not worth it, that I’m an addict, that I am struggling, and being aware of my flaws and trying to fix them by being against the current, it’s making me fucked up in the brain. I do not want to feel like this. But I also do not want to die. Fuck this self-therapy, fuck these changes. I just want to not have to worry with things, to have a purpose in life. I’m tired of saying sorry, I’m tired of having to change myself, change my personality around others, I just hate everything and everyone and wish I could just-”
You didn’t realize that you were yelling. The air escaped from your lungs as you sobbed, trying to keep it all inside. But his voice drowned your train of thought:
“Death is a luxury, death is your friend, death is your enemy. Death is a prison, death is release. If you feel like that, you’re in the right path. You’re walking hand in hand with the reaper and that is not a dreadful thing. It means that you’re awake. Present. People die. Feelings are felt. But art thou made for endurance? Try to kill yourself now. What will happen? You are sure that it will end. But it does not. We do not know what exists on the other side, much less a bit of consciousness. But you have proof, right? Ghosts, spirits, all the magic of communication. What will you think that will happen to you if you are not erased from other people’s consciousness'? What will it happen, just imagine, with your will, with all the connections that you have made? Is it better to exist on a conscious state where you are alive and all is clear, or in an unconscious state where people are not sure of you and will forget with time all about your existence, but you still live on, struggling, if you know what I mean. Be it a human or a vampire, witch, you name it. The detox is not harming you. It’s awakening you to align with your true self. And I’ll be damned that I’m not an excuse for you to keep on living!”
You started laughing. - “Thank you. But that does not explain why there are these feelings, why it is painful, why we do not know what it is going to happen, right?” - Getting up to looking at him, you hold his hands in yours.
“Elizabeth, do you really want to know?” - he remarked with a sly smile.
“No.” - you affirm - “But hey, you are my excuse. Thank you” - You hugged him.
“Got any plans for tonight?” - Lestat asked, mid hug.
“Not really, I was going to a gallery opening but opted to say here talking with you.”
“Anything decent?” - He was insisting.
“Not in my eyes. I just really don’t want to go. It's formal, nothing big” - you muttered. Did he wanted to go? Because you sure as hell didn’t.
“Let’s go to a fortune teller instead!” - Lestat suddenly lights up, searching your eyes for confirmation.
“A fortune teller? I can dictate my own fortune thank you.” - you were skeptic. Lestat knew that you used your psychic gifts very often, thus, why in the hell would he wanted to go?
“I think you just need to hear it from someone else. Analyse it. You can even spot if he is fake or not.” - Lestat said with a twirl.
Yes, you loved when you could scare the shit out of fake fortune tellers. But Lestat was being persistent. But wait.
“A he? Not a female?” - you inquired.
“You heard me. Get some sleep, tomorrow we can stay at home, fully rested and we can video-call the fortune teller.”
It was strange, this event, but you were feeling very tired. Putting your feelings out like that could take a toll on your body. You were fascinated with tomorrow's video call. It is going to be interesting.