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Blind date: 'He kissed the head chef!'
Stede, 48, who recently purchased The Revenge, a pub theatre in Islington, meets Jeffrey, 48, accountant. He also meets Ed, 47, founder of Kraken.
Each week we send two strangers on a dinner date, then ask them to answer the same set of questions about their night out. This week Stede and Jeffrey ate at the infamous Kraken, 36 Queen Anne Street, London W1.
Jeffrey on Stede
What were you hoping for?
A pleasant night out with good company, drinks and food.
First impressions?
That he really liked caterpillars. I should explain: that was my first impression of Stede when we met, aged five. We went to school together!
What did you talk about?
We started by catching up on what had happened since we left school: marriages, divorces, coming out of the closet. We have a lot in common!
Then, we moved onto what we've been doing recently. I bought a sports car, Stede bought a theatre and we both agreed to go on a blind date arranged by a national newspaper so it's fair to say we've hit our mid-life crises.
We also chatted about the weather and the food, which Stede found underwhelming.
Most awkward moment?
Also when Stede called the food underwhelming. It turned out the head chef and co-founder were both sitting directly behind us. Then again, that did cause the head chef to go into the kitchen and remake the chilli lime squid himself - I really shouldn't complain about getting an extra course!
It was also awkward how much Stede enjoyed the fresh plate of squid, and how he invited Ed to pull up a chair and join us. I suggested we swap tables instead - Ed's companion, Izzy, had the social skills of a spoon.
Good table manners?
Impeccable!
Best thing about Stede?
He's a complete one off!
Would you introduce Stede to your friends?
Absolutely. I might even suggest we go and see his company's latest production, it sounds very avant-garde.
Describe Stede in three words.
Full of surprises.
What do you think Stede made of you?
I say this with my full backing and support, but I honestly think he forgot I was there.
Did you go on somewhere?
When the direction of travel became abundantly clear (about the same time Ed began twirling his really very lovely hair), I decided to call it a night.
And... did you kiss?
Stede certainly did, way to go Stede!
If you could change one thing about the evening what would it be?
Not to rain on Stede's well deserved parade but it would have been good to go on a date with someone I didn't already know who didn't immediately fall head over heels in love with the owner of the restaurant we were eating at. But you can't have everything and the second plate of squid was delicious.
Marks out of 10?
For Stede and Ed, a hearty 11/10!
For myself and Stede, maybe a 6?
Would you meet again?
I'm certainly hoping for an invitation to the wedding!
Stede Ed on Jeffrey Stede*
* Note from the editor: we received the following responses from Stede's email account but have been assured they were provided, with Stede's blessing, by Ed.
What were you hoping for?
Originally, I wanted to get Iz (Israel Hands, co-founder of Kraken) off my [censored] about how I don't give a shit about Kraken any more.
After I saw Stede, I wanted to get on his [censored].
First impressions?
Where have you been all my life?
What did you talk about?
I overheard him saying the squid was tough. First time I've heard someone not just regurgitate the shit critics have said about Kraken. I know they've read your guy's review when they start calling everything punchy.
Anyway, Iz went off on one, saying Stede was wrong but he wasn't, it looked shit, so I went in the kitchen and made it again. Stede ate his words, and the squid. Kinda think he ate some of the plate glaze too. Made pornographic noises the whole time he was doing it.
After that we got talking about Kraken's reputation, his hopes for his new theatre, the universe and everything.
Most awkward moment?
Iz was just sort of there the whole time, being Iz.
Good table manners?
Who gives a shit? Just eat the food man. At my restaurant you get one fork and one knife, that's it. I'll give you a spoon if you order the soup but it's the worst thing on the menu so don't bother.
Best thing about Stede?
When you steal his phone and start answering all these questions about his blind date, he squawks like a parrot. Then he chokes on thin air when you show him what you've written and blushes right down to his chest and lets you get away with it anyway. But that might just be me.
Would you introduce Stede to your friends?
He's already met and hated Iz, that's good enough for me.
Describe Stede in three words.
Kind. Funny. Insane.
Never shuts up.
Horny. Gentle. Caring.
Nice curved [censored].
What do you think Stede made of you?
He's kinda whatever about me- Kidding, he's clearly in love with me.
Did you go on somewhere?
Back to his place. Haven't left since. I've been here a week.
And... did you kiss?
Did a nun write these questions?
If you could change one thing about the evening what would it be?
Iz. Also going in the kitchen made my hair all big.
Marks out of 10?
Seriously?
Would you meet again?
It's hard to meet again when you never plan on leaving.