Work Text:
Pain was nothing new for Alec. It had been like this for as long as he could remember, and it was something he could handle. He was a shadowhunter, for fucks sake. He wasn’t weak. He remembered how his parents had looked at him when he had broke down in tears, that his whole body hurt and he didn’t know why. They had been sympathetic at first, his mother had wiped the tears from his face, saying that it would stop eventually. She told him it was just because he was growing, but he was never to cry about it again. Shadowhunters don’t cry over pain. And when the pain didn’t stop they just ignored it. He was nine when his father had stuck him across the face and told him that he just had to suck it up, because his son wasn’t weak.
He had been ten years old when his mother had caught him trying to take a break during training. She was so angry, Alec remembered how his eyes had burned with unshed tears as his mother screamed at him for letting people see that he was defective. The words cut deep, and he vowed to never let anyone see that way again. He would ignore the pain and push through it alone, that’s what shadowhunters did after all.
The pain only got worse as he grew up, and yet he never let anyone see through the facade. There were even times during training where he’d thrown up in the bathrooms from how severe the pain was and then went right back to what he was doing.
Night time was the only time the mask would slip, he would bury his face in his pillow and sob, begging for the pain to stop, he couldn’t take it anymore. He desperately craved comfort in these moments, but he knew that would never happen. He would always have to suffer alone, those nights in his room where he would tear at his hair and writhe under his blankets as the pain drowned everything else would be something he would take to his grave. At least until he met Magnus.
Magnus was nothing like anyone else he’d ever met. Alec loved everything about him, he loved how bright and loud he was, how his head would tilt slightly to the side when trying to figure something out, how he would rock and forth when he was excited, how passionate he was about the things he loved, and how he was so unapologetically himself. Most importantly Magnus was so kind, and for the first time in his life, Alec felt seen. He knew he couldn’t tell Magnus, he would leave him, and Alec just couldn’t bear the thought of that.
He was able to hide it for the first few months, up until one particularly rough day. He had been training all day, and his body felt like it was on fire. His joints ached horribly from sparring with Jace, and it was a significant effort to keep himself from sobbing. He had brushed off Magnus’s concerns, saying he was just tired, it was no big deal, and pretended to not see the concerned look Magnus had given him as he got into bed.
At around one in the morning the pain got worse. A lot worse. It had to be around the worst it had ever been and Alec knew he had to leave before he broke down. He made it halfway across the room before his legs gave out and he fell to the ground with a hard thud. He couldn’t take it anymore, and he let out a strangled sob. Magnus shot up, looking for the source of the noise and practically sprinted across the room when he noticed Alec on the ground. “Alexander?” “Darling what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”Alec couldn’t breathe, let alone explain, and through his sobs he told Magnus something he hadn’t said for over a decade. He was in pain.
Magnus only listened to his distraught ramblings for a moment before pulling him into his chest, he ran his fingers though Alec’s hair, whispering reassurances into his ear. “Just breathe darling, it’s going to be alright, okay? I’m right here with you, you’re alright, let it out.” Alec just sobbed harder, as years and years of repressed pain and loneliness bubbled up inside of him, he cried for his child self who didn’t know that the pain never stopped. He cried for his younger self, who had been treated so horribly for something that wasn’t his choice, he cried for the life he would never have, and he cried for his present self, who was about to be abandoned again.
He clutched Magnus tighter, he was near hysterical at this point “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please don’t leave me, I’m begging you, please, please, I’ll never talk about this again, we can pretend this never happened, just please don’t leave.” At this he heard Magnus gasp, “Alexander what are you talking about? Why on Earth would I leave?” He could hear the horror in Magnus’s voice. He was confused, Magnus.. isn’t leaving? “But.. I’m defective. Don’t you see that Magnus?” Magnus started to pull away, and Alec let out another sob until Magnus reached over and cupped his face, “Alexander? I need you to look at me, okay?” “I don’t know who told you those horrible things, but you are not defective. And something like this would never change how I feel about you, you mean so much to me darling, and I would never leave you because of a condition completely out of your control.”
Alec stopped. He couldn’t comprehend what had just been said to him. Magnus looked at him sadly, “you don’t believe me, do you?” Alec looked away. “I’m sorry” he whispered. “Shh, it’s nothing to apologise for my dear, if you don’t believe me right now that’s okay, I don’t expect you to, especially since you so clearly have been told otherwise.” He wiped Alec’s tears away and softly kissed his forehead. Alec never had someone treat him like this. This was so new, this feeling of comfort and vulnerability, he didn’t know what to say. He was about to start crying again when Magnus spoke. “Alexander, if I may ask, how long has it been since someone has stayed with you during these kinds of moments?”
Alec fiddled with a loose hem on his shirt, he took a deep breath before answering, “I think I was ten.” Magnus gasped again, “ Alexander, I-” “I am so sorry.” He looked like he wanted to cry now. “Wait a moment, who else knows about this?” “No one really,” Alec admitted, “just my family, and you now, I guess.” “Oh Alexander, why haven’t you told anyone?” Alec looked away, “for the same reason I didn’t tell you.” Magnus looked heartbroken, and pulled Alec into another hug.
Magnus sighed and pulled away, “I think it would be best to continue this conversation in the morning, you clearly need rest.” Alec silently nodded. He looked over at the bed. Walking over there seemed impossible. Magnus lightly touched his shoulder. “It doesn't make you weak if you ask for help.” He thought about what his parents had screamed and beaten into him over the years, the lessons he learned through blows and cruel words. He thought about Magnus. How gently he treats him, and how even after everything he learned about him tonight he still looks at him like he’s something precious. He decided to listen to Magnus.
Magnus picked the trembling boy up off the floor and carried him back to their bed, climbing in next to him and pulling him into his arms. He pressed a kiss to his shoulder and whispered a goodnight. Alec could feel Magnus’s magic surrounding him, dulling the pain and filling him with warmth. For the first time in years he wasn’t alone, and as he drifted off to sleep, he knew that whatever tomorrow may bring, Magnus would be right there with him.