Chapter Text
“We could've been so good together,” Jihoon blurted in jest, putting an end to his Muttley laugh after it fall short of the mark.
“You think so?” Hyunsuk asked in an undertone with his unflagging empathic smile.
Jihoon nodded, free from doubt. He gave the steering wheel a hopeless clutch and fixed his eyes on the bridge en route to another city of what perhaps their last destination. Beaming lights reflected on Hyunsuk’s irises as he gazed at the fireworks above, such a panoramic nightscape. His two lonesome eyes wandered anywhere but the man he used to peer at. He leaned his head to the window, pressed his bag tight into his chest before heaving his first sigh of the year. It was new year’s eve and they didn’t make it home before 12.
The fading glister on their eyes, the fuel running low, even their car driving near the end of the bridge, everything seemed like a parallel to them and their fleeting relationship.
Parallel, extending in the same direction so as to never meet. Eclipse by nature, facing each other but never intersects like how strangers were walking on opposite sides of the road bound to continue forward in their own directions. To the same degree the day couldn't coexist with night, the oil couldn't be mixed with water, and warmth dies in cold.
More than just being opposites, they were the epitome of juxtaposition. The moon would shine brightly at night when the sky was clear of clouds, precisely how Hyunsuk could bring out the best in Jihoon and Jihoon could cast the loneliness out of Hyunsuk.
They had immense amount of contrast in their lives that two years of being together was unimaginable. They resembled a yin-yang that didn't fit each other at all. A puzzle piece of two different images and two contrasting hues that looked blinding when combined. They stayed together for years despite the short amplitude of patience they have.
For all one knows, they tried their best.
They've put all their faith in each other in hopes that by sticking together, they would eventually find themselves on the same ground, same path, and same destination. It took them two years to learn prolonging has nothing to do with strengthening the emotional bond in a relationship.
After a long sullen and deliberate silence, Jihoon cleared his throat and slipped a glance at Hyunsuk. The older closed his eyes, still couldn’t afford to sleep.
“So…what do you plan for this year? I remember you wanted to rent a space for your small art gallery." Jihoon did his best not to amplify an ounce of frustration but a hitch betrayed him. “It’s your dream, after all, I wish you a lot of achievements this year.”
“Jaehyuk helped me find a good space, he’s running errands for me,” he paused and faced Jihoon. “I want the same for you. Pursue your dream career, the one you’re enthusiastic of telling me about. Have you considered going?”
“You wouldn’t stop me either.”
“Because I want you to live your life—”
Hyunsuk stopped as Jihoon completed the sentence for him.
“—that’s not decided by anyone.” Jihoon chuckled and was finally able to get rid of the tears by wiping them on his shirt’s sleeve. He quipped, “You’re the best life skill instructor, Suk.”
“Can we still meet again after this?" he asked when Hyunsuk fell silent. "I've booked a fine dining for us tomorrow…it’s supposed to be for our anniversary.” Jihoon wavered. Pretending wasn't really his best suit.
“It would be best if we begin our year moving forward on our own, right?”
“But—” Jihoon pursed his lips. If he wished for another chance it would just get them back to square one. "I’m sorry, I’m being persistent.”
“Your feelings are valid, Ji." Hyunsuk gazed back outside, looking at the end of the bridge. “I just want you to start your new life without me.”
The older gave him a look laced with affinity, Jihoon had to shy away and hide the tears already forming in his eyes. They said if the person was still yelling angry because of your fault, throwing you punches out of disappointment, when you could still see the pain in their face, or when they couldn't even pull a smile while you’re around—they were most likely still in love with you.
But Hyunsuk never did cry or pour himself out and it hurts Jihoon the most.
Hyunsuk's face showed complete burnout as though his love was on its mighty long fall and the fire that kept their train going finally dies out.
Silence occupied them once again, Jihoon intentionally slowed down the car to take up time. Perhaps, the idea of losing Hyunsuk finally sank in his mind.
Jihoon wasn’t ready, he wouldn’t ever be.
“What about the girl? Have you reached out to her?” Hyunsuk asked which made Jihoon almost lose his control over the pedals.
“I've apologized to her and…she said she won’t sue me because it’s both our fault.” Surely there were a lot of things Jihoon wanted to say than just a plain sentence but Hyunsuk already nodded and soothed Jihoon's tremor with his usual dead cold and delicate hands. Hyunsuk gave him untold ‘you’ve said enough.’
He removed it not long after but Jihoon held tight as it might be the last time Hyunsuk would ever let their hands touch.
“I-I love you, Suk,” he faltered after letting almost a squeak at the end. “I really do…I, really—I'm sorry, Suk."
It left him hanging in the wind. Jihoon wished to hear, ‘I love you too, Park Ji.’ As he used to reply. Hyunsuk flinched when Jihoon dared to kiss the back of his hands and locked their fingers after. Jihoon didn’t lose grip even though he was the only one doing it.
He could just stop the car because it's hard to focus on the road with Hyunsuk beside him. He wanted to hug, tell how much he loved the man, and how he didn't want them to part ways. In hopes, they still could save it.
But looking at Hyunsuk's bleak eyes, he knew they can't.
“Jihoon—you’re hurting yourself.”
The younger faked a smile, curving it upward quite short in the effort to reach his bloodshot eyes. “Allow me to.” He chuckled and sniffed. “I’ve hurt you real bad.”
“I forgave you already, I mean it. You make mistakes, I make mine, that’s how we mold ourselves. We’re not flawless main characters in fiction.”
Something he would miss about Hyunsuk was his nagging voice and his words of wisdom that couldn't seem to run out. There came a time Jihoon felt immature around him, turned out he really was. It never once has crossed his mind that there were crucial things to consider before getting into a real relationship.
People were made to believe that relationship was all roses and chocolates, vows and promises, pining and chasing. As though love was a cheap perfume and everyone wanted to buy a short-effective fragrance just because they could buy another one when they ran out. These relationships most likely fail too soon, midway, or in some cases when they’re already old. If you haven’t even talked about your mental age difference, means and backgrounds, or opinions about life before marriage, you’re bound to make terrible decision. Your relationship was nothing but a kid’s play.
Now they’ve finally crossed the bridge, they only had a few minutes to arrive at Hyunsuk’s old house. Jihoon felt more shaky and unsettled.
“You’ll do good on your own. Right, Ji?” he mindlessly asked with his thumbs quite playing with Jihoon’s. “I hope you meet someone there.” He heard him click his tongue.
“Someone? I don’t think I can even get into a relationship after this.”
“You don’t know that. I think you need someone who can poach an egg when you wake up late,” Hyunsuk punned and felt a light squeeze on his hand.
“I love your coffee the most.” Jihoon replied.
“A lazy bug like you needs someone who can flush the toilet for you after a long day.”
The emotional shift threw Jihoon off but he released a genuine laugh for once. “But I love how you nag at me and still do it at the same time.”
“And I hate you for that.” Hyunsuk chuckled. “How about someone who wouldn’t intentionally buy spicy food for dinner and doesn’t forget you don’t like them?”
“Genius, but I’ll miss throwing tantrums while still eating it.” He just went along because he didn't want to make Hyunsuk sad even at the last minute they have together.
The thought of being with someone other than Hyunsuk was impossible…or maybe for now, after all, he knew nothing about the future.
“How about you?” Jihoon asked after the long pause.
“I will live by myself…go back to what I used to.”
To be alone, and it’s easier said than done.
“If…If we met each other after months, years, do you think we still have a chance?” Even Jihoon himself was surprised how he brought it out to words, it’s what his mouth had been itching to say.
Those words magically engraved themselves into Hyunsuk’s heart. His mind wandered on all the possible futures they could get. How high was the chance they’re still in love with each other at that time? Would he feel the same thing for him when he saw his face? Just as they said, love was sweeter the second time around. Was it?
Hyunsuk left it in silence though, it didn't mean yes. Jihoon found a tiny hope he could hold onto. He pulled the corner of his lips wider and stole a kiss from Hyunsuk’s hand before he finally set it free.
They finally arrived quite afterward. Jihoon parked the car and helped Hyunsuk with his luggages. Genuine happiness sparkled in his eyes seeing how stunned Hyunsuk was with the mowed lawn. The small garden looked like it’s being taken care. Hyunsuk was amused by the polished wooden floors, new carpets, and curtains inside. Jihoon hired someone to clean the house beforehand because he knew how special it was to Hyunsuk and for him, too.
They built an incalculable memories in almost every area. They used to sleep in the living room and cuddle with the warmest blanket till they fall asleep. He missed how they used to fill the kitchen with laughter early in the morning while Jihoon was preparing udon or kimchi. Hyunsuk would always be there for moral support and to wash the dishes. Jihoon loved it, he could give him a back hug like a sloth to a tree.
Despite their differences, they found an even comfort in each other. He has to believe in the stupid ‘opposites attract’ for once. They just worked well in movies, in real life…it’s really hard. All the while you love the person, long heated arguments and unintentional hurt were both something you couldn't handle. Nothing but exhausting.
They were a perfect example of 'definite maybe', something they might want but not certain about.
Jihoon hovered at the doorstep, he cowered and didn’t step any forward inside as he waited Hyunsuk. This time it’s real…they’re breaking up. Jihoon still pulled a smile when Hyunsuk went back in front of him. Jihoon hid his sweaty hands and tangled them behind. It became his anchor to forbid himself from hugging, for he would never let go of Hyunsuk once he did.
“You like the new vibe? I had a hard time choosing them.” Jihoon pointed his hand elsewhere.
His eyes widened when Hyunsuk insisted a hug, it’s rare for him to do so. There was his heart again pounding hard. Comforting warmth had spread around his body when Hyunsuk rested his head against Jihoon's shoulder.
“Thank you, Ji. They’re nice, you chose the right ones.”
Hyunsuk’s hug came a bit tight. Jihoon returned it with a kiss on his forehead. They held for long to cherish the solemn night, forgetting the dawn to come they wouldn’t be with each other.
“Write me a letter if you feel like it.”
“What are we? Living in the ’90s?” Jihoon scoffed.
“If it’s not a handwritten letter, I don’t want it.”
“Yes, yes. Noted, Sir. What else? Won’t you wish me to come back soon?”
“Ji!”
“Kidding.” He chuckled bitterly. “Take care here, hmm? Adopt a new dog, Chilli doesn’t deserve to be alone.”
Hyunsuk hit his chest lightly. “Chilli’s a cat!” They both laughed.
“Apart from his voice, he acts like a dog. Have you seen him stand with the bulky bulldogs of our neighbors? He fits with them like he’s a mafia boss.”
They laughed again without even noticing they’ve been swaying while still wrapped around each other. No one wanted to pull away first.
“For the last time…I love you, Park Ji.” Hyunsuk whispered.
It caught Jihoon off guard, the tears he’s been holding back came out first than words. His mouth gaped, wanting to kiss for once in the two years of their relationship. But he knew he couldn’t.
As someone whose love language was physical touch, Jihoon thought Hyunsuk never really loved him. He didn't want to kiss or do anything more than that. Hyunsuk came out to him as asexual since from the start of their relationship and it’s his big mistake to think he could fix Hyunsuk. Jihoon became stubborn and didn’t try to understand. His stupidity drove him even more reckless. He couldn’t even recall what happened that one particular night without being disgusted by himself.
“Why aren’t you mad at me, Suk?! Are you just gonna accept that? I fucking cheated! I had sex with her, Suk!”
“What do you want me to say? Fucking congratulations?! Can you even hear yourself, huh? You did that to make me jealous? That’s new low, Ji, that’s fucking immature!”
“I didn’t know being mature has to be this boring!”
“Right, I’m boring you say? Didn’t I tell you that first and foremost? Didn’t I tell you many times, I’m a damn asexual? You don’t know how hard it is to be me, Ji. I didn’t have it easy as you thought it’s just about not feeling horny and that’s something you can fix!”
Like some cold water thrown over him, Jihoon realized how stupid he was that time. He saw Hyunsuk cry for once. Hyunsuk was bone tired from rushing to the police station to get him and cover up for the damages in the bar. Hyunsuk even apologized to the parents of the girl Jihoon slept with on his behalf and received a fuck ton of curses. Hell with his idiocy, Jihoon even set up an argument which blew it all up. It’s still fresh on his mind, the broken figure of Hyunsuk slumping himself on the wall, crying while hugging his knees all because of him.
“You don’t have an idea how much I wish I could give you what you need. Thinking maybe I can be enough for you once I did that. You don’t know how many times I tried to expose myself to it, searching about things how to give pleasure even if it's grossing the hell out of me! And while I’m learning to at least get used to being hugged, you’re fucking her!”
“Ji? Did you hear me?”
“Hmm?” Jihoon wiped his tears and relentlessly grasped Hyunsuk’s shoulders. “Sorry?”
“I said, forgive yourself after this," Hyunsuk repeated.
But could he? Jihoon shook his head. "Not now, Suk. Let me repent for my sins.”
“But you don’t need to restrain yourself from being happy.” Hyunsuk knitted his eyebrows from hearing Jihoon’s baffled laughter sewn with sobs. “You’re a crybaby." He smiled as he gave gentle rubs to Jihoon's back, tapping it as if lulling him to sleep.
“I want to receive the news you’re finally a pilot, hmm?”
And Jihoon nodded. “You’ll be the first one to know.”
“Silly, tell your parents first. I didn’t give birth to you." Hyunsuk scoffed.
Finally, Hyunsuk pulled away and wiped the tears from Jihoon’s face with his thumbs. "Enjoy your stay in Germany. If you’re lucky, date someone there too.”
“Suk, I’ll just go there to study.”
“What’s wrong with trying? You'll never know where you can meet your—”
“Take a photo of me for the last time.” He interrupted and thought he should add one annoying, “Please?” He pouted like a pelican.
Gladly, Hyunsuk went to get his camera. He knew Jihoon wouldn’t leave if he didn’t and he was right. Jihoon fixed his hair and made sure his eyes were clear of tears. He even exercised his face to show the best smile he could ever give.
Hyunsuk stood in front of him and positioned his camera to eye level.
“Okay, snotty kid.” He scoffed. “One...two...three, say cheese—”
Instead of mundane cheese, Jihoon uttered.
“I love you too, Choi Hyun!” He smiled along with the shutter sound.