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“Well, we’d been talking about expanding the firepit. I guess it just happened a little sooner than expected.” Stede shrugged.
“Mate…” Ed gave Stede an incredulous look. How was he so calm? They were standing next to a large burned patch in their backyard; Ed was holding a discharged fire extinguisher. “I’ll fix it. I promise.”
“No, no, it’s fine. I’m not angry, Ed, really. I just don’t understand how it happened.”
Ed sighed and set down the fire extinguisher. “Okay, so you and Lucius went inside to get the hotdogs and s’mores stuff.”
“Mhm”
“Well, John decided that the fire needed to be built up more to make sure the hotdogs cooked through, so he added a bunch of logs and shit.”
“This was Wee John? I know he loves fire, but he’s usually so careful.”
“It wasn’t John. The fire wasn’t quite catching like he wanted, so Frenchie squeezed some lighter fluid on there to give it a little help.”
“So Frenchie did this?”
“No, but the lighter fluid did help the logs finally catch on fire. While we were waiting for you and Lucius to come back, the boys wanted to see what else might be flammable, so they started throwing random shit in the fire. You know, like barbeque potato chips and acorns, whatever.”
“So, it was Fang or Ivan… or Swede? Where were Jim and Oluwande?”
“No, it wasn’t any of them. And Jim and Oluwande were making out on the porch swing, like a couple of horny teenagers.”
“Ed, what happened?”
“Stede, love, I’m trying to tell you, but you keep interrupting.”
Stede took a breath, “I’m sorry, dear. You’re right. Please continue.”
“So, we’re sitting around the fire, and I notice something moving in the grass between me and the firepit.”
“Let me guess. It was a–”
“It was a snake, Stede! A snake! And it was coming straight for me.”
“You panicked. It’s okay, I know how you feel about snakes.”
“No, I didn’t panic. I just grabbed whatever was closest to me and threw it at the snake.”
“Ed… what was the closest thing to you?”
“Um, so you remember how you brought out that really fancy vodka earlier to give everyone a taste?”
“You threw a practically full bottle of vodka at a snake?”
“Yeah, except I missed because my aim was off.”
“Because you were panicking.”
“And the bottle landed in the fire.”
“Ed! That vodka has a 96% alcohol content!”
“Well, I know that now!”
Stede pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I don’t really know what happened after that because I was trying to hit the little fucker with my camping chair. And then Pete was suddenly there handing me the fire extinguisher, and everyone was yelling. And, well, you were there for the rest.”
“So, let me make sure I’ve got this. You threw a bottle of almost pure alcohol at a snake, missed and ended up setting a large patch of our backyard on fire?”
Ed nodded thoughtfully, “Yeah.”
“Edward Teach, you absolutely insane man,” Stede pulled him in for a kiss. “Well, I’m proud of you for containing it so quickly. Also, I thought you looked very sexy operating the fire extinguisher.” He paused, “did you kill the snake?”
“Think so. It was in the burned area, so, probably went up in flames.”
Stede caught movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a baby ringneck snake, only about four inches long from nose to tail. “Ed,” he pointed at the tiny snake, “is that the snake?”
“Where?! Fuck nature! I’m going in the house.”