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It was finally happening. The elusive masked man was in your arms, his lips brushing against yours.
The kiss wasn’t electrifying. It wasn’t sensual. It wasn’t even magical. It was tentative, almost fearful. Your lips barely touched his, only the tiniest amount of pressure between you. Your hands trailed up his chest and wrapped around his neck, hinting that you wanted more. He took your invitation and flushed you against him. You moved slowly as the two of you tested the waters.
Eventually, he turned his head for a deeper kiss, and you granted him access to your mouth. You dreamed of this day. You fantasized how his tongue would explore every inch of your hungry mouth. He tasted just like you imagined he would: smoke and spice. But there was something else.
Guilt.
You couldn’t explain how you knew. You tried to ignore it, but it became so strong that it overwhelmed your senses. In the end, you couldn’t take it, so you forced yourself to break the kiss. With a beating heart and trepidation swirling in your chest, you opened your eyes to meet his blues ones. To your dismay, he had turned his face away from you. However, you could still see the regret buried underneath his uncertainty.
Your heart squeezed. He was thinking of the other woman—the one he had loved all those years ago. You wish you didn’t know anything about her. It would have been easier.
If you were left in the dark, you wouldn’t hesitate to pursue this man with the persistence you were infamous for. You would do anything and everything to seduce him and make him yours. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.
You had done your research on all the mercenaries when you first joined the team. Spy was the most difficult to get information on, but you managed to get your hands on some scrap. His love life, for example.
You considered killing her; maybe he would finally move on if she were dead. He didn’t need to know that you were the murderer. Creating cold cases was your specialty, after all. Frustratingly enough, the very woman you wanted to kill was the mother of your teammate.
The two men you cared deeply about loved this…this woman. You hated that you couldn’t even insult her in your thoughts. As long as she was alive, you would always be second place.
You burned holes into Spy’s head. That man still refused to look at you. You pressed your lips together into a thin line before lightly pushing him away. He let go immediately, crushing your pride and solidifying your resolve.
You realized that even if his old lover were dead, Spy would still put her above you. He would never hold you the way you wanted him to. He would only dance with her ghost. You never stood a chance.
Finally, he met your eyes. You almost scoffed at the sight of his confusion. The ache that previously plagued you morphed into blazing anger. Just what could he possibly be confused about? Was it the way you backed off? Was it the way your face hardened? Did he not understand the situation?
He murmured your name, and you suppressed a scowl. You didn’t want your real name falling from that man’s lips. Names were sacred, especially in your line of work. You felt like he led you on, giving you hope when his choice was already made.
“ Don’t , Spy. Just…stop,” you said, hating the way your voice was quivering.
“But mon petit, I-”
“Enough with the pet names! You’re just making it worse. Spy, I fell in love with you,” you confessed, but he already knew that. “I wanted to be with you. I wanted to give you my all, but I don’t want to be yours if I’m not your everything. She is the woman in your heart, Spy. There is no room for me.”
You quieted and looked at the ground. “I know about your previous lover. It’s been over twenty years, and you’re still hung up on her.”
“My feelings for you are genuine too,” he replied weakly.
This time you didn’t hold back a scoff. “Is that supposed to comfort me? You’re so stupid,” you snapped. “Whatever you feel for me pales in comparison to your love for her . You really think that makes me feel better?!”
He kept his mouth shut. For the first time today, he was using his brain. His blue eyes were downcasted, lips frowning as he stood motionless in front of you. He had the gall to look ashamed, and while you hated it, you also couldn’t help but revel at the sight of it. You wanted him to hurt. You wanted him to wallow in remorse. You wanted him to berate himself whenever he thought of you.
“You should have just refused me, Spy. You should have just left me alone from the very start.” He just stared at you, and it made you angrier. “I’m leaving. Don’t ever try to contact me again.”
With that, you left. He didn’t even try to call you back.
You stormed through the halls of the base, ignoring all the questions from the other mercenaries as you passed by. There was only one person you wanted to see. You grabbed a phone and dialed the assistant’s number.
“Pauling here,” you heard on the other side of the receiver.
“Meet me at the shack,” you ordered. It was a place only you, Pauling, and the Administrator knew about.
The other woman was silent before a serious, “Understood.” The line went dead, and you hopped on your motorcycle, not bothering with a helmet.
The shack was about a day away from the base, but you arrived in a mere six hours by breaking numerous driving laws and trespassing on many private properties. Everyone can go screw themselves.
Pauling was already there when you arrived at your destination. She greeted you, but you only gave her a curt nod and walked inside. You heard the door close, but you kept staring out the window. It wasn’t until Pauling called your name that you turned around to face her.
“I want out,” you said flatly.
She blinked before collecting herself, “You know you can’t do that; otherwise, we will have to kill you.”
“Then station me somewhere else, Miss Pauling. I can’t work with those men anymore.”
The assistant made her way to the poor excuse of a couch against the wall. Dust puffed up when she sat down, making her wrinkle her nose. “Did something happen between you and the others?” Pauling asked.
“Only with one of them. I…” you trailed off. You felt bad about leaving the rest of the mercenaries behind just because of your fallout with Spy. They were good men, good friends . You really didn’t want to let them go, but you couldn’t bring yourself to be around the only man you have ever loved. Leaving was selfish, but you were a selfish person at your core. “The group is too tightly interwoven,” you explained, crossing your arms. “Having issues with one of the members will only make things awkward during missions.”
“But all of the members have issues with each other.”
You snapped at her, glaring fiercely, “This is different.”
She paused. “Can I ask what hap-”
“No.”
Pauling clamped up and averted her gaze. “Okay,” she sighed. “I’ll talk to the Administrator about this matter. Will you be staying here for the time being?”
“...Yes,” you said. Without the base to go back to, you had nowhere else to go. “I’ll be here.”
“I will be back a few days. Do take care of yourself till then,” Pauling said tenderly. She stood by the door, waiting for you to respond, but you remained silent. After another moment, she left.
You almost desperately wanted to call her back, to plead not to leave you alone, to spill everything that happened and let your emotions pour out of you. You squashed those desires as quickly as they arose. You survived this long because you kept to yourself. You never opened up. At least, until you met Spy. Look how that turned out.
You sat on the spot Pauling was on only a few minutes ago. You waited for the sound of her car to leave, and soon you were encompassed with deafening silence. As you held your head in your hands, tears finally fell from your eyes. For the first time in years, you sobbed and wailed out all the pain in your heart. It’s not like anybody would hear you; the shack was miles away from any sort of civilization.
You were alone again. Just like you ought to be. Just like you always will be.