Chapter Text
From: Shim Jaeyun
To: Lee Heeseung
- You’re getting married?!
From: Lee Heeseung
To: Shim Jaeyun
- Oh I’ve been fine, thanks for asking!
- How about you?
From: Shim Jaeyun
To: Lee Heeseung
- ... my bad
- How’ve you been hyung?
From: Lee Heeseung
To: Shim Jaeyun
- Don’t act like you care
From: Shim Jaeyun
To: Lee Heeseung
- You’re right
- The fact that you’re still as snarky as ever means you’ve probably been fine
- So back to the more pressing matter at hand
- ^
Lee Heeseung is calling you
--
“Ha. Ha. Very. Funny.” Jaeyun clipped as he snatched the crisp white paper with the words “SEXY AUSTRALIAN GUY JAE-I-KEU” in big black bolded comic-sans held up high between Jay’s hands. The asshole had made a big show of shaking the offensive sign aggressively and shouting “OVER HERE JAKE!” as Jaeyun exited the arrival hall of Incheon Airport with two huge luggages in his hands, which meant that he was left with no hands to cover his face in embarrassment as other tired travelers watched him make the walk of shame over to his sorry excuse of a friend.
When Jay finally stopped howling like he had just witnessed the pinnacle of comedy, Jaeyun was pulled into a bone-crushing hug with his best friend. Jaeyun chuckled as he rolled his eyes, returning the hug. He couldn’t blame Jay, he would have done the same thing.
“I tried to stop him, I swear.” Jay’s cat-eyed boyfriend Jungwon peeked from behind, his big round eyes feigning innocence.
“No you didn’t.” Jaeyun rolled his eyes, completely unimpressed. “It’s nice having you back hyung.” Jungwon giggled when Jaeyun rubbed his head adoringly, while Jay loaded Jaeyun’s 4 years of Brisbane-ian baggage onto the trolley.
Jaeyun had caught the red-eye to Seoul and he should have slept on his 13-hour economical flight. However, because the universe hates him, he was sat between a poor mother trying to soothe her anxious screaming baby and a guy with the neck dexterity of a giraffe who bumped his head into Jaeyun every 5 minutes while he slept like the dead (like seriously was he the only one hearing this hysterical baby??). Hence, coffee was the first thing on the agenda, even if it was from the only shitty Starbucks open at 7 in the morning in Incheon Airport. He grabbed an iced americano with extra EXTRA shot before the three of them loaded up into Jay’s Hyundai and started the journey to his new apartment in the city.
Thirty minutes was all Jaeyun needed to bring the couple up to speed on his last few weeks in Brisbane before his departure. Jay had made effort to check in on him often while he was down under and so there was not much to catch up on. Attempting to keep the small talk going, because he was determined to stay awake until the evening to matter how tired he was, Jaeyun asked a question he often asked his best friend during their monthly facetime calls.
“So, how’s the gang?”
It should have been comical, the way the couple stiffened up similarly at the question. However, it was uncharacteristic of them and Jaeyun found himself growing suspicious. After a few seconds of nudging between the two and a lot of “no you tell him!”, which Jaeyun interrupted with a “Jay, I’m not going to die on this fucking highway because you can’t keep your eyes on the road”, his best friend finally resigned with a sigh.
“Oh you know.. same old same old. Sunoo’s doing well in the preschool he’s at, the kids adore him. Did I send you a picture of him dressed up in the worst make-shift Elsa costume the kids put together? Hmm I’m sure I did.. Remind me to if I didn’t.
Niki’s absolutely failing at college, which we’re not too concerned about because the little shit somehow always manages to pull through at the last minute. Hey, you made the dean’s list right? You should try to talk some sense into him. He doesn’t listen to me cause I fucking sucked at college too.
Hmm.. what did I miss.. Heeseung hyung’s getting married in the Spring. Oh and Sunghoon’s made it BIG. He signed a contract with Calvin-fucking-Klein, can you believe that? I mean, I tell him nobody wants to see his micro-penis bulge peeking through the CK briefs he’s gonna wear on the ads but secretly I’m really proud of him y’know? But don’t tell hi-“
Jaeyun must have lost his sense of hearing, because he did not hear fuck-all about whatever else Jay was rambling on about. The shock caused him to choke on his bitter coffee, and Jay was hit with a jet of cold liquid from the back of his neck.
“Dude what the fuck I just cleaned my car last week!” Jay screamed as his car screeched to a halt at a red light.
“Wha- wha-t did y-ou say??” The red-faced Australian managed after forcing down more iced coffee to soothe his sore throat.
“Weren’t you listening? I said Sunghoon’s gonna be a Calvin Klein model.” Jay reiterated while Jungwon passed Jaeyun a stack of tissues, guilt plastered on his face.
“You know that’s not what I’m asking about Jay.”
“You need to tell him babe. It’s better that he hears it from you.” Jungwon persuaded, placing a comforting hand on Jay’s knuckles that were turning white around the steering wheel.
“Look.. Heeseung hyung told me about it two months ago, but you were really stressed out about the move at the time. There was never a good time to bring it up. Also.. I didn’t know if you would change your mind about coming back if you knew. I didn’t want that to affect a decision you thought so long and hard about.”
“Just spill it Jay.”
His best friend proceeded to share whatever details he knew about this abrupt wedding that was in the works, which were not much. Apparently, Heeseung kept the details curt when he announced it to the gang. What Jaeyun gathered from Jay’s sharing was that:
- It was an arranged marriage of sorts, initiated by Heeseung’s dad and a wealthy family friend.
- The soon to be lawfully wedded partner was a girl named Yeji. Her parents owned coveted real-estate in Japan and Taiwan and were big names among other hotel tycoons in the region.
- Heeseung and his wife-to-be first met four months ago in June and agreed to get married just two months after in August.
This amount of detail was hardly enough. So much of it did not make sense to Jaeyun. It was as if he was hearing a story about a stranger he did not know and not his ex-boyfriend of four years. However, Jay and Jungwon promised that they had disclosed as much as they knew and that they were just in the dark as he was.
“Maybe.. you could reach out to him? I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear from you after all this time.” Jay suggested after he failed to answer most of Jaeyun’s myriad of questions. The couple helped him unload his belongings into his new apartment in Hongdae and they looked distressed when Jaeyun turned down their offer to have lunch with them. He felt bad for souring the mood but he assured them that he would see them again soon and that he just really needed some time to rest and unpack.
After just two days of resisting pulling his hair out from the curiosity eating him up from the inside, he took out his phone and messaged Heeseung, the very person he fled to Brisbane to forget four years ago.
--
Jaeyun was starting to regret choosing to walk to the eatery rather than taking an Uber, but he was all nerves the whole morning, and sitting in an Uber while his knees shook in anxiety did not appeal to him at all. Hence, he chose to take the half hour commute to the Jjampong stall by foot to hopefully walk off his racing heart. However, his kakaomap was turning him to the left and then right and then left again (he could have sworn he walked down this road before) and his hands were freezing in the October chill. He had forgotten how cold it got in Korea, basking in pure delightful Australian sunshine the past 4 years.
He was going to be late, but he was not worried about that. He even planned to arrive 15 minutes late. It was something that came naturally to him whenever he met Heeseung hyung. Heeseung was always late, albeit usually for no more than 15 minutes. It was a habit he had since they were kids. It annoyed Jaeyun at first, especially when they were still middle school friends.
They would meet every morning at the 7-11 located smack at the crossroads of where they would cross paths to walk the same trail to school. Heeseung’s family was wealthy and his father offered to arrange for a driver to send him to school, but he declined, preferring to walk the 20 minutes with his golden retriever friend every morning. This was nice and all, but Heeseung was always late. Like clockwork he would race down the last 40 or so steps to Jaeyun who would stand awkwardly in front of the convenience stall, with a sheepish look on his face muttering a “sorrryyyyyyy Jaeyun-ah.”
Overtime, Jaeyun learned that meeting Heeseung at 7am meant showing up at 7.15am. It worked out the first time, and then the second, and Jaeyun cracked the code to a system that would work well for the pair even after they started dating in high school. He never got annoyed anymore after that and just took it as another aspect of Heeseung he grew to understand.
So, you could imagine the surprise on Jaeyun’s face when he opened the doors to Jjampong Palace, 15 minutes past their agreed meeting time of 12pm, to see Heeseung waving at him from where he was seated at the corner of the stall. Jaeyun froze momentarily until the ahjumma clicked her tongue in annoyance because he was letting in all the cold air into the heated establishment. He bowed apologetically and walked awkwardly to where the black-haired boy was seated. He cursed internally as he forgot how to walk properly, his left-hand syncing with his left leg and vice versa.
“Hey” Heeseung stood up with a small smile as Jaeyun approached, long arms held open in invitation. Maybe it was because of their history, but what was supposed to be a casual greeting morphed into an awkward half-hug-half-pats on back with enough space in between them for Jesus.
“Sorry I’m late..” Jaeyun muttered sheepishly as he sat down across him. He felt embarrassed for some reason, perhaps because he prided himself as a very punctual person, he was never late, even when he was purposefully late for Heeseung, he was never later than the older. But something at the back of his mind nagged at him, telling him it was something else instead, he quickly brushed them off before he could delve further.
“Oh, it’s no problem.” Heeseung smiled warmly as he passed him a menu. “So, you’ve probably had shitty Korean food in Brisbane the past 4 years, we could have gone some place nicer but trust me the Jjampong here is almost as good as the one we used to have back in Gwangju. Just for your own sake, don’t look at Uncle while he cooks the noodles. He’s not the most sanitary, but I’ve never had problems so far. Besides, they offer a prawn and mussels-only option since you don’t like clams, and Uncle makes it extra spicy for me cause he likes me.” The older boy rambled in front of him with a crinkle in his doe-eyes. “Err, right. Ok yeah sure I’ll go with that.” Jaeyun managed, slightly taken aback by what was happening before him. Heeseung nodded and headed to the counter to order.
Jaeyun watched him as he expertly flirted with the Ahjumma much to her obvious delight. It did not seem real. The last real conversation he had with Heeseung was.. ugly to say the least. There was so much that was left unsaid after they broke up; cans of worms that would spill over if ever opened. Nonetheless, here was Jaeyun staring at Heeseung after talking about Jjampong and his distaste for clams like they were grabbing lunch after school. If the twilight zone was real, Jaeyun was sure he was in one.
But that was not the only reason he was staring at Heeseung. There was no more eloquent way to describe it. Heeseung was.. hot. Like really fucking hot. He was always good looking to Jaeyun and to others, he had a boyish charm growing up, but because he was gaunt with big doe-eyes, he was more cute than handsome. Now, despite still being on the skinnier side, what used to be bones over skin had a lean layer of muscle that filled him out nicely. His jaw was more chiseled, and his stark black hair made him look more mature. The only unchanging thing was his signature doe-eyes that softened his masculine features and gave him the prettiest smile Jaeyun (and obviously Ahjumma, who was having the time of her life being complimented by a handsome young man) had ever seen. Jaeyun quickly averted his gaze when the other made his way back, pretending that the corny graffiti on the wall beside him was the most riveting piece of information ever.
“Thanks for coming out today. You’ve probably been really busy, unpacking and meeting people and whatnot.”
False. Jaeyun was basically rendered incapacitated since he found out about Heeseung’s engagement. One of his luggages still remained dormant by his unfinished bedframe. He was still sleeping on his bare mattress on the floor.
“Yeah.. I had to squeeze you in, but I managed somehow.”
Heeseung chuckled lightly and nodded his head in gratitude. He bit his lip, looking nervous for the first time the past ten minutes. The air was awkward, both parties obviously unsure how to get the ball rolling.
“So.. I never thought that the day I would hear about you getting married, it would be from Jay-fucking-park, but erm.. congrats on your engagement?” Jaeyun figured he at least owed it to Heeseung to address the elephant in the room, since he was the one who texted him about it first.
“Right.. thanks.. I’ll be honest, before you texted me, I was still contemplating about whether I should tell you about it. Not because I didn’t wanna talk to you! I just.. didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me after all this time.. especially on a topic like that.” Heeseung was fiddling with his hands, another habit Jaeyun was familiar with, whenever Heeseung got nervous. Even when they were just friends, Jaeyun would squeeze the other boy’s hand to comfort him. However, that simple gesture just suddenly felt too intimate, and so he tried to turn a blind eye as Heeseung’s nail continually scraped his pale finger.
“What, you mean the “happy birthday” and “happy new year” messages weren’t clear giveaways about how much I still cared?” Jaeyun teased, his heart squeezing tightly in his chest at Heeseung’s confession.
The first year after Jaeyun packed his bags and ran to Brisbane, there was radio silence from both sides. On Jaeyun’s part, it was a very conscious choice to keep things that way. Everything hurt from how much he missed Heeseung, he missed him more than he hated him, and that was even when his anger and spite towards his ex was at its peak. It was weird not being able to talk to Heeseung, texting him multiple times a day about the most mundane and trivial things was a habit ingrained into his muscle memory. Hence, whenever he saw a cute dog (and there were MANY beautiful dogs in Aussie), or a particularly pretty sunset, he had to resist every fibre in his being to send pictures to Heeseung; to tell him about his day; and complain about coffee prices in the morning. I came here to forget, Jaeyun would remind himself and stuff his phone into the deepest crevices of his bag so he would not be tempted.
At first Jaeyun was slightly embarrassed and hurt that Heeseung had supposedly chosen to do the same, since there wasn’t anything coming from his side as well. He obviously doesn’t give two shits about me anymore. Sniffles could be heard in Jaeyun’s university dorm while he scrolled through years of exchanges between the two on his phone. In Jay’s attempt to comfort his best friend, he suggested for Jaeyun to see Heeseung’s absence as a blessing in disguise. “We both know you’re gonna spiral the moment he texts you”, and Jay was right. As much as his anger fueled him enough to buy a one-way ticket to a different country, the gaping hole in his heart was so big that Heeseung probably needed to just say a few words and Jaeyun would immediately start running back to him.
On October 15th the following year, it was Heeseung’s 21st birthday. Jaeyun was going absolutely mental while in school, he could not concentrate on whatever his professor was droning on about because the only thing that weighed on his mind was whether he should wish him a happy birthday. Birthdays were always a big deal for Heeseung, not that he made them a big deal, although since he grew up rich, he could have hosted extravagant parties if he wanted to. Heeseung was more introverted, hence he preferred to be around his close friends on his birthdays, but he was never shy about the occasion around them. The gang always struggled to plan a surprise for him because he would always bring it up first: “Guys my birthday’s coming up! I wanna try riding go-karts, let’s go together!”, and they would be happy to oblige because their hyung donned the biggest smile on his birthdays. Jaeyun was a part of every single one of Heeseung’s birthday shenanigans since he was 12, and that year was the first where he was not by his side.
Jaeyun had been religiously stalking Heeseung’s socials and getting nuggets of information about his ex from Jay, and so he knew that Heeseung’s birthday that year came with good news. Heeseung had decided to take dancing more seriously since he graduated high school, and Jaeyun discovered (he was thanking the heavens that Heeseung’s dance friends bothered to actually use their Instagram accounts unlike Heeseung and tagged him in posts) that Heeseung had landed a contract to be part of the back-up dance crew for a pretty big idol in Korea. Jaeyun smiled fondly to himself as he swiped through Heeseung’s tagged posts, photos of him and his dance buddies who also landed this big break, celebrating over korean barbeque and alcohol. Despite being reduced to strangers again, Jaeyun was so genuinely happy for Heeseung because he knew how much this meant to him. Jaeyun typed out the line “Happy birthday hyung. Hope you had a good one.” and stared at it for hours, not daring to hit send. In his heart he hoped Heeseung would understand the deeper meaning imbedded in the message; the unsaid “congratulations” and “I’m proud of you” cryptically weaved in. He contemplated about it until he got a headache, he took a nap that turned into 5 hours of being knocked out cold on his bed, and when he came to, Heeseung’s birthday had past and his message was still in the drafts.
One month later, on his own birthday on the 15th of November, Jaeyun dropped his phone onto the hard wooden floors of his lecture hall, rudely interrupting his professor mid-sentence with a loud BANG. He had to pinch himself to make sure that what he was seeing was real: a kakaotalk notification from Heeseung that said “Hey Jaeyun.. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Have a great day.” After that, Jaeyun gained newfound courage to wish Heeseung a happy new year! when the clock struck twelve on January 1st. They continued this routine of niceties the next two years.
Their jjamppong arrived, Ahjumma placing a bowl which contents looked like the equivalent of hot lava soup in front of Heeseung. He wasn’t kidding when he said that Uncle knew his preferences for extra EXTRA spice. They paid their respects, and Jaeyun slurped a mouthful of noodles. It was so fucking good. He closed his eyes briefly as he sighed in satisfaction, feeling himself getting transported back to Gwangju. Heeseung smiled proudly, taking it as a win. They ate for awhile in silence, just enjoying the hot food that warmed their insides from the blistering cold they came in from.
“Of course I care.” Jaeyun finally broke the silence, pushing the hard shells of the mussels around in his bowl nervously with his chopsticks. Heeseung looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue.
“I’ve known you almost my whole life. There’s no way I could have ever stopped caring, hyung. But it was weird between us for the longest time, and I didn’t know how to reach out anymore. Or maybe I was scared to, I don’t know.” Jaeyun could not look at Heeseung’s face as he spoke, trying not to crumble from his vulnerabilities being laid bare. “But recently, I’ve realised that even if we aren’t together anymore, and though we haven’t spoken to each other for a long time, you’re still really important to me.”
“I feel the same way! You’re still really important to me too Jaeyun.” The doe-eyed boy replied quickly and a little too loudly, causing Jaeyun to flinch and side-eye the tables around them to see if anyone else were privy to their conversation. “Sorry..” Heeseung mumbled, embarrassed by his eagerness. He’s still so cute. Jaeyun thought to himself, looking at the 6-foot man bowed over his bowl of noodles.
“Well, now that we’ve both established that we care about each other, why don’t you tell me about your new girlfriend?”
“She’s not my girlfriend.”
Jaeyun was stunned by the unexpected curtness. “Sorry, I meant your fia-“
“No I mean.. she is my girlfriend, technically. But also, she’s not. We’re not actually.. together. It’s more of a marriage of convenience?” Jaeyun’s stared at the other like he had been speaking in a foreign language. Heeseung’s face had turned red, and Jaeyun was pretty sure it was not from his spicy noodle soup.
“What? I can’t understand what you’re saying. What do you mean you’re not together? You both are getting married right?” This must be the twilight zone. Jaeyun considered slapping himself awake, but Heeseung continued.
“Apa is sick. Like really sick, this time.. His cancer came back a year ago, and the doctor said that he would probably have another two years, three at most if we were being really optimistic.” Heeseung sighed and rubbed his temples with the heels of his palm. Jaeyun knew what Heeseung was implying. Heeseung’s dad had always made his expectations for Heeseung very clear for as long as he had known him.
“Oh Heeseung hyung.. I’m sorry that Uncle is going through that.” Jaeyun reached across the table and squeezed the distraught boy’s hand. Heeseung’s returned a small smile in gratitude.
“One of the days I accompanied him to the hospital for his chemo, and it was horrible. I had never seen him in so much pain before Jaeyun. And while we were waiting for his treatment to finish, he told me that his one wish was to see me get married to a girl. I rejected it at first, but as I thought about it.. I don’t know Jaeyun.. I feel like I’ve been disappointing him my whole life. I’m always saying no to him, always going against the grain. And I started to think, what if the stress I’d been causing him made him sick?”
“Heeseung hyung, no-“ Jaeyun interrupted him firmly, squeezing his hand as tightly as he could. He was heartbroken to hear that Heeseung could even blame himself for that.
“I know what you’re gonna say: that it’s not my fault. I’m not fully convinced that I was the cause of his sickness, but at the same time, who can say that I didn’t contribute to that? Sigh Anyway, I told him I’d do it, and he and his friend arranged for me to meet Yeji pretty soon after.”
Shock was an understatement to describe what Jaeyun was feeling. His breath got caught in his throat, mouth agape, trying to think of what to say. Where could he even start?
“I know it’s alo-“
“But.. Do you even love her??” How could Heeseung be so calm about all this? This is fucking crazy!
The taller boy’s expression visibly drooped as he shook his head. “I tried to.. really. We both did. We know this whole thing is crazy. It’s a marriage of convenience for her too, family business things. Still we thought, we’re already in this, we might as well try. But.. she’s gay as fuck for some girl named Ryujin and I.. I don’t know.. I feel like I haven’t fallen in love for a long time. Anyway, we decided that we’ll just get a divorce when.. well when the time comes.”
Jaeyun blinked and sighed at the implication. On the one hand, he wanted to slap the boy in front of him and yell snap out of it!, but he could tell there was a lot more thought put into it than he would have liked to believe. If this had been going on for months, Heeseung would have changed his mind by then if he did not want to go ahead with it. If there was one thing he knew about him, was that no one could force Lee Heeseung to do anything he did not want to do. On top of all that, he could see that Heeseung was hurting. His father had always been a sore spot for him. His entire life a constant battle of trying to embrace who he was: the carefree dancer who wanted to share his art with the world, and the son who loved his dad sincerely and wanted to be accepted by him.
“I.. think I need some time to process all of this. It still feels like I’m in some Korean variety prank show and cameramen are gonna jump outta nowhere to tell me this was all a joke. But.. if this is something you’ve decided to do.. I’m here for you hyung, and so is the gang. We’ll always support you no matter what but if you find yourself second-guessing even a little bit, you can talk to us. You know that right?”
Heeseung smiled that small smile he does when he gets bashful, his lips slightly pouted and the tips of his ears pink. “I know.. Thanks Jaeyun.”
A phone started buzzing and jolts them both, Jaeyun’s phone lit with the words mum. “Shit!” In a childish attempt to keep himself busy in case his meeting with Heeseung went south, Jaeyun strategically timed his visit from his mum to his new apartment to be after lunch. But he had been so caught up in his time with Heeseung that he had forgotten about it.
Hey mum!
Right.. ok take your time I’m just leaving lunch. I think I’ll be a few minutes late.
Mmm.. see you soon. Bye mum.
“Gotta go?”
“Yeah.. sorry about that. Mum wants to see my new place.” Heeseung gave an ahh in understanding.
“I would offer to drive you but I have to be in the studio soon, sorry about that.”
“It’s alright! I’ll just book an uber.”
“Ok I’ll wait with you.”
They got their bags, bowed to ahjumma and uncle, and left the stall to wait by the road shoulder to shoulder. Jaeyun blew into his hands as a gust of wind blew past them, the October chill was in full swing. There was so much Jaeyun wanted to say, and even more thoughts still swirling in his head. However, there were three more minutes before his Uber would pull up and so he decided it would be best to save those words for another day, especially after he had some time to think about everything he just discovered. Wait.. another day? Would he and Heeseung meet again? Were they friends now or was their meeting akin to one of those high school reunion meet-ups that happened once a year?
“I really missed you, y’know.” Jaeyun snapped his head towards Heeseung in surprise. The older boy kept looking ahead of him, his eyes fixated at whatever was across the road.
“After we broke up.. it kind of felt like I lost my best friend too. So.. I’m glad you came to meet me today.”
A silver sedan pulled up in front of Jaeyun at that moment, Heeseung opened the door for him. Jaeyun stilled his heart to stop it from fluttering. He got in and before Heeseung could close the door for him, he quickly said “I’m glad we met too Hyung. Let’s not be strangers, alright?”
Heeseung smiled his gummy smile and nodded, waving goodbye as he closed the door. Jaeyun leaned back onto the crumbly pleather seat of the worn-out sedan and exhaled slowly. It felt like he just got out of a crazy rollercoaster ride. He suddenly remembered that he had left without paying Heeseung back for the meal, and so he texted him.
From: Shim Jaeyun
To: Lee Heeseung
- Hyung!
- How much was my Jjamppong and drink?
From: Lee Heeseung
To: Shim Jaeyun
- It’s my treat
- You can buy the next one
- Welcome back to skr Jake. It’s hell here.
- 😎
Jaeyun chuckled, Heeseung had not lost his knack of not knowing what appropriate emojis to use. It was cute. Jaeyun sent a pengsoo sticker with dollar signs in his eyes as thanks for his generosity. He kept his phone and looked out the window, taking in the beautiful city that whizzed past him.
South Korea sure felt like hell when he took off and left, but he’s had 4 years to heal. He was over Heeseung, he has his friend back, his gang back, a new job and hopefully a new start too. Surely, things would be better, right?