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[jaunty mandolin intro music plays, and fades out]
Frenchie: Hello! And welcome to a new episode of Room People!
Wee John: The podcast where we talk about rooms…
Frenchie: And people…
Wee John: And what people do in rooms!
Frenchie: I’m Frenchie.
Wee John: And I’m Wee John. We’re back from our summer hiatus.
Frenchie: It’s so good to be back! And boy have we got a jam-packed show for you today.
Wee John: Literally. We’re in the jam room.
[a muffled groan]
Wee John (whispering theatrically): Lucius, our producer, is not a fan of puns.
Frenchie: Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you today to kick off our new season. First off, a quick reminder that our crowdfunding project for our good friends in Nigeria is still going on. Keep those investments coming! I can guarantee you won’t regret it one single bit.
Wee John: And we’ll finally be revealing our new nautical-themed room redesign, sponsored by our good friends over at Article.
Frenchie: Don’t forget that Article is offering all of our listeners 20% off your first purchase with the code roompeople. That’s r-o-o-m-p-e-o-p-l-e. All one word, lowercase.
Wee John: Can you believe it, Frenchie? We’re finally getting that sitting nook we’ve always dreamed of! I can’t wait to have everyone over.
Frenchie: For music jam sessions!
Wee John: And craft night!
Frenchie: Speaking of crafts, we’re going to be kicking off this year’s flag sew-along a little later in the show too. But first, let’s get one of our listeners on the line with a real-life roommate story. Let’s see, we’ve got Steve on line one. Hello there!
Caller: Err, hello?
Wee John: Hi, and welcome to our Room! Is this Steve?
Caller: Yes! Yes, it is! That’s Steve with a V, have you got that? Which is definitely my real name and not a cunning alias.
Frenchie: All right, Steve-with-a-V, it says here you’ve got a great roommate story for us.
Steve-with-a-V: I do! A riveting roommate tale, if I do say so myself.
Wee John: Well, I for one am definitely riveted. Go on.
Steve-with-a-V: All right. So, my roommate – um, let’s call him Jeff. Yes. Jeff the accountant. Anyway, Jeff and I – we’ve only been living together a little less than a year, but we’ve been through a lot together. He really helped me get back on my feet after my divorce, and we just get along like a house on fire.
Wee John: Ooh. Love a good house on fire.
Frenchie: Jeff sounds like a great guy!
Steve-with-a-V: Oh, he is. He seemed pretty intimidating at first, and he’s got a—well, a reputation, I suppose you could say, but he’s a real softie at heart once you get to know him.
Frenchie: Awwww.
Steve-with-a-V: Oh, but I’m rambling on, aren’t I? I’d best cut to the chase. You see, the thing is, Jeff and I have been committing marriage fraud for the last couple of months.
Frenchie: And what exactly does marriage fraud entail?
Steve-with-a-V: Right. So I mentioned I got divorced not too long ago, right? It really was the best thing for everyone involved. Mary – that’s my ex-wife – she’s much better off without me, and I’m so much happier too now, even if it was a big adjustment. And I quit my job in finance, which I hated, at the same time. I’m doing something I love now – working at our local pirate museum.
Wee John: Pirates! Always wanted to be one growing up.
Steve-with-a-V: Me too. And it’s great fun, but doesn’t really pay the bills, you know? Which was just fine, up until a couple of months ago. I have a trust fund, you see, so I’ve never really had to worry about money.
Well, I thought I didn’t have to worry anyway. So I was really blindsided when my family’s lawyers called me out of the blue a couple of months after my divorce finally went through and told me that one of the conditions of the trust was that I had to be married.
Frenchie: Is that even allowed?
Steve-with-a-V: Anything’s allowed if you’re rich enough, I’m afraid.
Wee John: Eat the rich!
[awkward silence]
[Steve clears his throat]
Frenchie: Err, present company excepted, of course. But as a general concept, yes.
Steve-with-a-V: Surely we don’t have to resort to cannibalism just yet, gentlemen. Anyhow, I was in despair. Felt like I’d been stabbed in the gut. So I’m venting about it to Jeff that night, and he says, “Sure it says here you have to be married, mate, but it doesn’t say who you have to be married to, yeah? And call me crazy, but what if…”
And we said the last bit together, “What if we married each other!?”
It was a stroke of genius, really. We were already living together. Nobody needed to know we were just roommates. So we went down to City Hall and got married the very next day.
Wee John: And it worked?
Steve-with-a-V: Like a dream! I got my trust fund back, and everything’s been peachy ever since.
Frenchie: And your roommate, Jeff, he’s alright with this situation?
Steve-with-a-V: Oh, yes! Absolutely! He’s one hundred percent on board. Ed—uh, I mean, Jeff – Jeff’s always up for a good fuckery.
Lucius: Aren’t we all.
Steve-with-a-V: And he benefits from it too. I buy him things with my trust fund money all the time. Clothing, for starters – he does so love a fine fabric, Jeff does.
Wee John: A man after my own heart.
Steve-with-a-V: We go out for a nice meal or two every week. And I’ve helped him get his business off the ground. He’s always wanted to open a restaurant, you see—
Frenchie: Um, I thought you said he was an accountant?
Steve-with-a-V: Oh! I did say that, didn’t I? Well, it’s, err, a— a combination restaurant and accountant’s office! Yes. You can have a snack while we do your taxes! And maybe you’d like to pick up some fishing tackle and a commemorative keychain at the gift shop on your way out. As one does.
Frenchie (appreciatively): Clever business model. Lots of profit streams. Can’t fail.
Wee John: And who doesn’t love a gift shop!
Steve-with-a-V: That’s what I said! He was skeptical about the whole gift shop thing at first, but he came around after a bit.
Frenchie: So you said earlier the two of you went down to City Hall and got married, yeah? You did all the paperwork and such? As part of this whole marriage fraud plot.
Steve-with-a-V: Yes, that’s right. Signed, sealed, and witnessed. It’s all on the up and up. We got each other rings and everything. Even my parents’ lawyers couldn’t find anything wrong with it. And trust me, they tried their damnedest.
Frenchie: Listen, my friend. I hate to tell you this, but absolutely zero fraud has been committed here.
Wee John: You’re married, mate. Really and truly married. Like you said, it’s all on the up and up.
Steve-with-a-V: Huh. Now that you put it like that, I guess we are. Married. Me and Ed. Fancy that.
Wow.
Um.
I think I need a minute.
[Steve takes several audible deep breaths.]
Wee John: You all right there, buddy?
Steve-with-a-V: [laughs nervously] You know what? I think I am. We have great fun together. We expose each other to new things, new ideas. We laugh all the time. Being with him just feels easy. Natural. Honestly, I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be married to. He makes me happy. And I love him.
Frenchie and Wee John (simultaneously):
Wow.
Steve-with-a-V (in a slightly dazed voice): Yeah. Wow.
[a long pause]
I love him. I love my husband.
[a loud thud and several clunks, like someone dropping a heavy bag of groceries on the floor]
Ed?
Oh. Oh dear. How long have you been standing there? How much of that did you hear?
Ed (or maybe it’s Jeff, who knows at this point): Did you mean it, Stede? What you just said.
Stede (formerly known as Steve-with-a-V): Every last word.
I hope that’s—
Mmmph!
[a wet, smooching sound]
[inaudible murmuring]
Stede: Oh. Oh.
[more kissy noises and some sappy sighs]
Lucius: Oh my God. This is happening.
[smooching noises continue]
Lucius: This is really happening.
[heavy breathing]
Frenchie: Are we… are we witnessing a real-life roommates to lovers situation happening in real time here, John?
Wee John: Technically, it’s roommates to husbands to lovers. And yes, I think we are. Wow. Never thought I’d see the day.
Stede (breathlessly): Ed, I think I’m ready for that advanced lesson we were talking about the other day.
Ed: Are you sure?
Stede: As sure as I’ve been of anything in my life. Run me through.
[heavy breathing and kissy noises intensify]
[sound of a zipper being opened]
Frenchie (whispering): I think they’ve forgotten they’re still on the line. Sorry, listeners, I know we’re all super invested in this now, but we’re gonna have to cut to a quick ad break before this gets explicit enough to get us kicked off our platform.
[abrupt cut to an ad for Spanish Jackie’s, home of the World-famous Nose Jar™]