Chapter Text
Ellie’s going to leave - without a trace, without a word, without even a note. She wants Dina to be angry, to hate her, this will all be much easier if Dina just hates her. She can’t explain this to herself, how exactly can she explain it to someone else. Tommy wasn’t right - it’s not easy to forget about her. Not here, not in Jackson - not anywhere. She had promised that Abby would pay, she can’t back out on that now.
The thick fabric of Joel’s old jacket is heavy on her shoulders. The jacket used to smell like him, but it’s been two years since he died - now it’s just a canvas jacket a few sizes too big for Ellie. It’s still cool outside, but the weather will warm quickly - she won’t need the jacket for long, but she needs some part of him with her. Santa Barbara is a long walk.
Moonlight filters through the kitchen window casting tall shadows on the wall - the scent from the campfire earlier in the evening lingers in the air. It feels no different from a typical restless night. Ellie packs her bag quietly, trying not to wake up the two sleeping upstairs. Dina usually comes to find her if she wakes up to an empty bed - she’s hoping to be much faster. Maybe she can make it a few miles before Dina gets up.
She’s all packed, she’s ready to go - and she hears a floorboard creak, a footstep behind her. Fuck .
“Hey,” Dina’s voice is weak - distant.
Ellie takes a breath. Fuck . She stands and turns. Dina doesn’t look afraid often, she’s strong and confident - even now her face is still and calm, but her eyes betray her. She knows - she’s known since Tommy left, Ellie suspects. Dina can’t stop this now, Ellie can’t let her. “Hey.” Please let this be fast - painless.
“Man, it’s been a while since he slept this long, huh?” Dina smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. Ellie can’t look at her - she stares at her hands instead.
“He had a day.”
“Yeah. He’s fine.” Dina shakes her head and gestures to Ellie. She takes a step back toward the stairs. “Come back to bed. We’ll talk about it in the morning. Okay?” She turns her back on Ellie. It’s the only thing that gives Ellie the strength to speak. She doesn’t know if she’d be able to if she could see Dina’s face now.
“I have to finish it.” Ellie does her best to keep her voice level, to sound calm in spite of everything. Dina doesn’t turn around again, not quickly. Ellie looks at the jagged scar along Dina’s shoulder - the skin is still red and raised. She’d complained about the pain throughout the winter, always trying to rub the ache away. They both could have died in that theater - they probably should have, it’s a miracle they didn’t. Luck . Ellie doesn’t believe in luck.
Dina turns with a sigh. She puts her hands on her hips. Her voice doesn’t gain any strength, she sounds broken and small. “You don’t owe Tommy anything.” Ellie doesn’t want to make her cry - but perhaps that’s the only way Dina will let her leave.
It’s not for Tommy, it’s not even for herself. Joel would do this for her. He would ruin the world, he would damn every person on Earth for Ellie. He did damn everyone on Earth for Ellie. He would want this -- right? “I don’t sleep. I don’t eat. I’m… I’m not like you, Dina.”
Dina scoffs, her composure finally breaking. “What? You think this is easy?” She moves toward Ellie. “For you, and for him, I deal with it.”
“I love you--”
“Prove it.” Fuck, fuck, fuck . “Stay.”
Ellie is quiet, she can’t bring herself to say what needs to be said. It takes every bit of willpower Ellie has to keep her face still, to keep herself from betraying any emotion. “I can’t.” She looks up at Dina. She doesn’t want to see the reaction, but she owes that much to Dina. Dina nods stiffly - a small motion - anger flares in her eyes and she knits her brows together.
“So, what? I’m just supposed to sit here and wait for you, for god knows how long, just thinking you’re fucking dead the entire time?”
“I don’t plan on dying.” Doesn’t she? Ellie clenches her jaw when she speaks, grinding back any weakness in her voice.
“Yeah, well, neither did Jesse. Or Joel.” Dina snaps the words - tears threaten to spill. Ellie got her mad. Good, she won’t worry so much if she’s occupied with anger. Ellie grabs her bag and takes a step back, but Dina moves faster. Dina holds either side of Ellie’s face, both hands gentle and steady - she has held Ellie just like this before to calm her down after a bad memory.
“Hey, stop. Hey. Hey, come on. We’ve got a family. She doesn’t get to be more important than that.” Dina’s pleading, her voice is soft and fast - a little frantic. Ellie doesn’t want to look at her, she doesn’t want to see the tears. Ellie grabs Dina’s wrist - everything in her tells her to go back upstairs, to go back to bed. She can’t. She has to go. There is no decision here. Either she stays and wastes away until she’s nothing but a pile of ash for Dina to bury - or she goes and ends it all. The nightmares, the attacks, the memories - all of them hinge on this.
Ellie pulls away and Dina sighs - a devastated sigh. She turns away. “No. I’m not gonna do this again.” Her voice is level, but Ellie hears the sob caught in her throat. Her shoulders slope forward and she holds her own face in one hand.
“That’s up to you.” Ellie leaves - long strides to exit the house as quickly as she can. There’s no room to change her mind anymore. She lets the door slam closed behind her.