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Their relationship was still fresh. Stede cherished every day he spent with his two wonderful boyfriends, and honestly still didn’t understand how he was lucky enough to have them by his side. He was a divorced father of two, and not a very good one at that, and he was old, and not as handsome as he once was. Yet these two beautiful, full of life, rays of sunshine somehow decided he was good enough to include into their decades long relationship. Yeah he didn’t get it either, but he loved Izzy and Ed more and more every day they spent together.
“I look like a fucking ponce,” Izzy growled, ripping at the expensive suit Stede had bought for him for the evening’s occasion. Okay maybe he wasn’t a ray of sunshine, maybe a storm cloud who brought…much needed rain in a drought or something like that was a more fitting metaphor for Israel Hands.
“Dear, do be careful, I don’t have a backup for you. Edward can get into my clothes, but I wouldn’t want you wearing a suit terribly too large for you, we’re going for a good first impression.” Stede fretted over the button Izzy seemed inclined to tear off, one of the upper ones. The suit was brand new, so the buttonhole was still a bit stiff, in his defense. Carefully Stede worked the button through, then smoothed down the suit, an understated navy piece that looked dashing on Izzy’s figure, as it was indeed custom tailored to suit him.
“Where the hell does the earring thing go?” Ed called out from behind the closet door.
Stede was about to answer when Izzy chimed in with a helpful “that’s a cufflink, even I know that.”
“What the fuck does a cufflink do?” Ed popped his head out, holding the silver little skulls up.
“Link your cuffs, twat,” Izzy replied, like it was obvious. Well, when put like that it was.
“To what?”
“Each other!”
“Then I won’t be able to move my arms!” Ed cried in indignation.
“Okay okay, calm down. Truly I never understood cufflinks myself, but I like to think of them as high society men's jewelry,” Stede interjected, leaving Izzy’s suit alone to instead take the links from Ed. He deftly screwed them into place on either of Ed’s wrists, then twisted the skulls so they were facing the right way. “There we are, perfect. A little bit of punk in you yet.”
Izzy scoffed at that. “An event full of rich twats, very punk.”
Stede knew neither of his boyfriends wanted to go to this ‘Non-Denominational Holiday Party’ hosted by someone on the board of Stede’s father’s company. He didn’t want to go to the party, but it was not only tradition for him to go, but it was also out of obligation. If he didn’t go, he would never hear the end of it from his father or his judgemental acquaintances that he needed to keep up appearances with, mostly for business reasons. Not that he was at all happy in his job either, and both Izzy and Ed had been urging him to pursue other venues for money, but it wasn’t as simple as that. His father already wanted to disown him for a hundred different reasons, why give him one more? Besides, he might be miserable at his job, but he was good at it, and he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be good at anything else.
It was actually Ed’s idea that he and Izzy go at all. Stede had been lamenting about how miserable the stupid party made him every year, and he suggested the two of them go with him. “We can say we’re your friends, or potential new business investors or something.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea, Edward? I wouldn’t want you two to get overwhelmed or anything, or have you ruin a perfectly good evening with a stuffy party.”
“It’ll be fun! Iz and I can make fun of all the posh bastards in their posh clothes and eat fancy food and shit, right Iz?”
Izzy vocalized his skepticism, but Ed convinced him in the end, as he always did.
And that was how the three of them ended up, a few weeks later, in fancy suits, preparing to go to the holiday ordeal. Mary had already texted a courtesy ‘good luck’ text, lamenting how glad she was she didn’t have to go ever again. It certainly set a tone for the night, Izzy and Ed clearly didn’t know the extent of what they would be in for.
Outside the venue, Stede shut the car off and turned to his partners before they could start getting out of the car. “Now, if either of you start getting overwhelmed, or uncomfortable, or you just want to leave, you know the signal, right?” He asked nervously, glancing between the two of them.
“We’re grown ass men, Bonnet, we can handle our own issues,” Izzy rolled his eyes.
“I know, I just want you to know you have an out,” Stede mumbled. God knew he could’ve used one in the past. He was rather dreadful at these sorts of interactions.
“If Iz starts getting spacey or I start getting angry, we either wave you down or use the word orange in a sentence. We know. It might be overkill, but I think it’s sweet you’re thinking about us,” Ed said. He leaned in and pecked Stede’s lips swiftly, wishing they could kiss for longer, but he was too aware of the other party goers streaming into the huge museum that serve as the venue for the night.
Izzy reached forward and squeezed Stede’s shoulders, the twat might be annoying at times, but he knew his heart was in the right place, he just wanted the two of them comfortable. He really did appreciate all the precautions, even if it was overkill.
Stede pat Izzy’s hands briefly, then climbed out of the car, Izzy and Ed following hot on his heels.
Entering the museum was quite a daunting experience. A huge T-Rex skeleton was practically lunging at the doorway, jaws agape, but besides that, the entire main hall was lit up in glittering white and blue lights, clearly decor for the party. A huge buffet table went around the edges, and a raised platform had been put in a large open space as a dance floor. A live jazz band was playing on a platform slightly above the dancefloor, and there were people positively everywhere. One could barely hear themself speak over the roar of the crowd and the band. The hall, while spacious, had obviously not been designed for an event like this, and as such sound was just ricocheting off the walls and floors, amplifying with every additional sound wave. A truly cacophonous mess of noise.
Stede leaned between Ed and Izzy so he could be heard by both of them. “I understand if you want to back out now, this is…quite overwhelming.” He wished he himself could back out, he would. The sound already was giving him a headache, and the idea of having to hold conversations in these conditions was only adding to it.
“I’m good mate, spent most of my life at rock concerts,” Ed replied, waving off the concern.
Stede nodded and was swiftly whisked away by someone neither Ed nor Izzy had ever seen. He wasn’t even given the chance to introduce the two of them before he was pulled away, the person saying something about ‘fixed costs’ or something boring like that.
“Well shit, I thought we would at least get to spend some time with him,” Ed lamented, watching his boyfriend be tugged into a group of people who he shook hands with.
“This is his world, let him deal with it,” Izzy dismissed. “You want to check out the snacks?”
“Absolutely I do,” Ed agreed.
Stede was so not interested in the conversation at hand. He could not give less of a shit about market values or stock options, or this crypto shit one of the board members kept bringing up. He kept glancing over at Izzy and Ed to see if they needed any help. He was worried about them, probably more than he should, he just didn’t want a repeat of the pier incident.
It was one of their first dates, when they were all still getting to know each other. Surprisingly, Izzy was the one who had suggested a day at the pier, spending their time playing skee ball and scam games that you weren’t supposed to win. Stede was convinced he only suggested it so he could show off his shooting skills at one of the carnival games, but he thought that was absolutely charming. Halfway through the date though, while Stede was in the middle holding both Ed and Izzy’s hands, a group of men came up and started harassing them. It was like a switch was flipped and Ed just started hounding on the leader guy, punching the shit out of him and screaming in his face. Stede tried to stop him but it was like he was in a blind rage, managing to get a hit on Stede as well. Stede was rightly shocked, and fully taken aback, this was still one of their first dates after all. Immediately though Edward had realized what had happened and completely broke down, and Izzy just seemed to shut down. Stede managed to get all of them away relatively unharmed and they had a very long conversation on the beach about Ed and Izzy’s pasts and some of their issues. After the long discussion and Edward absolutely agreeing that the punch was not okay, unintentional or not, they agreed to continue the relationship.
That was months ago now. They had gotten into a few other hairy situations, but usually Stede managed to cool Ed down before he got to punching, and way before Izzy shut down as well. He thought he was doing really well honestly. He felt like the protector of these two beautiful men. So sue him if he was concerned for their well being in a frankly overwhelming situation. He was getting overwhelmed at least.
Stede heard a boisterous laugh towards the door and froze. Was the world out to get him tonight? It sure felt like it. And yep, there he was in all of his terrible glory, Stede’s biggest mistake, Nigel Badminton, standing in the middle of the room like he owned the place. Stede could feel his headache increase tenfold, and was it getting hot in here? It was definitely getting hot in here. The room was getting smaller? No, no that was probably an optical illusion, what with all the fucking people they had cramed into this space that was absolutely not made for it. Why was this jazz song so fast? It felt like his heart was trying to keep pace with it. Where were Ed and Izzy? Oh shit he hadn’t checked in on them in awhile, were they okay? He thought he heard yelling, was that Ed?
“Are you okay?” Hand on his shoulder, fuck! Oh, oh it was just Izzy. In his panic he has somehow walked right into his boyfriends.
Stede took a deep breath and smiled brightly at the pair. “Absolutely lovely, how are you two doing? Are there any good nibbles out this evening? You know at the last party there were these delightful mini keeshes that were just to die for, I’ve been craving them for a year now,” he rambled.
Izzy looked skeptical, but his eyes rolled to the sky when Stede described appetizers as ‘nibbles.’
“Izzy look at that one, he’s got a bloody rooster wig on,” Ed pointed out, practically shoving Izzy in his excitement. Clearly, Stede’s boyfriends were doing fine without him. Well good, that’s what he wanted. He wanted them to be fine with the party.
“Ah yes, that’s Clark Archer. He has…interesting fashion choices. One year he came in a suit made of feathers, he was shedding all over the place, looked like a chicken. Apparently he’s paying homage to that look tonight, but without the mess,” Stede cracked a small smile. At least that had been an entertaining evening. He and Mary still talked about it sometimes. He should try to sneak a picture of the stupid wig and send it to her before the night was over.
“You’re bloody joking!” Ed said incredulously.
“No, no, I’m quite serious. Mary swears up and down she still finds feathers in the dress she wore that evening, you’ll have to ask her about it.”
“Baby Bonnet!”
Stede froze like a statue. All movement in the room felt like it stopped, and all eyes were on him. Was there ringing? He definitely heard ringing. Why was everyone looking at him? Was the room getting smaller again? Was the T-Rex looking at him too?
“It is you! I haven’t seen you in ages! How long’s it been? Three years? Five?” Nigel Badminton asked entirely too loudly and from entirely too closely.
“Thirteen, or something like that,” Stede muttered. He knew exactly how long it had been actually. The only reason he had stopped seeing Nigel was because of the semi-arranged marriage between himself and Mary. It was the one good thing about the marriage, it had gotten him away from that absolute stain of a human. And his children, naturally.
“That long? Ah well you look…almost the same, a little older maybe. Still quiet the porker. I jest,” Badminton poked fun.
Stede never really understood the comments about his weight. He was never overweight, maybe a little now in his old age, but growing up he had always been rather lanky, and yet the constant comments had made him rather insecure about himself during their relationship, it was so funny how quickly words could bring him back to the place he had been in all those years ago.
“Aren’t you going to introduce me?” Badminton inquired, gesturing to Ed and Izzy.
Really Stede would like nothing less in the entire world. He never wanted Ed and Izzy to see this part of his past. What if they believed everything Nigel had to say? It didn’t seem out of the question. What reason did they have to doubt him? Afterall, clearly Nigel knew him longer than Ed and Izzy had, they should take his word. “This is Israel and Edward, my…friends.”
“Friends? You always had trouble keeping those back in our youth. I thought my brother and I were the only ones who even talked to you. Branching out after the divorce I see.”
Ah, of course he had heard about that. Maybe that was why he was even here, maybe he had heard Stede was back on the market so to speak. In all the years he had been attending this particular holiday party, he had never seen Nigel, his twin once or twice, but never him. “Yes well, people do change,” Stede bristled.
“But not you baby Bonnet, never you. You know back in private school he liked to pick flowers? No wonder he got picked on so much. When we lived together too, I remember he always tried to set up little flower pots in the garden, could never keep them alive long, they always died after a few weeks. He cried over them a few times, like they were live things. Ah, I do miss those days, getting to kiss away your tears from your fat little head, I jest!” Nigel rambled on.
Stede could never keep the flowers alive cause Nigel would get drunk and piss on them, or dump alcohol on them, or get angry and just kick them over. Of course he cried over them, it was the little joy he had during a dark time. He didn’t want to look at Ed and Izzy, he knew they would see how weak he was. Even now he could feel his knees starting to tremble. Was the room spinning? He was pretty sure that T-Rex had turned around and was opening its mouth to eat him. Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, it would certainly get him out of this situation. Was the music getting faster again? His heart was definitely beating in time with it. And his chest hurt, that felt like a bad sign. Was his vision getting cloudy? Or was that fog? Who brought a fog machine into an enclosed space? That seemed like a terrible idea. Did Izzy have asthma? He felt like that would have come up at some point if he did, but maybe the occasion hadn’t arisen yet. Stede felt a hand on his shoulder and was brought back to the present with a different business person pulling him away. He glanced back to see Nigel watching him, but he was still talking. He was still talking to Ed and Izzy. Oh god.
Stede plastered on a smile and joined the conversation about fucking NFTs. He didn’t know what the fuck a bored ape was, but he nodded along like he did.
“So, friends of baby Bonnet, do you know if he’s still available? I know he isn’t exactly open that he’s gay, but I cherish our time together from before. I miss having him under me, if you know what I mean, and you two look like you certainly do,” Nigel winked. He was pushing buttons on purpose at this point it seemed.
Izzy had had more than enough of this guy. From the hints he was getting, this man was a shithead and he couldn’t even imagine Stede being with him. Stede was a ray of fucking sunshine, and this guy seemed like he chewed sunshine up and shit it out. It was weird hearing him talk about his and Stede’s past, because before this very moment, Izzy wasn’t even aware that Nigel Badminton existed, let alone that he and Stede had lived together, before he and Mary were married. Obviously he and Ed knew about Mary, had met her several times, she and Stede were great friends to this day, but this? It sounded like they were pretty serious before Mary had come along, so clearly something was amiss about this guy. He really thought Stede was an open book. In retrospect, it seemed too good to be true that Stede had had a semi-perfect life and his only hiccup was the whole getting married to a woman thing.
But he hid it so well! He never even mentioned a relationship before Mary. What happened? Well, he could kind of figure it out, but it sort of hurt that he and Ed had bared their souls to Stede and he couldn’t even mention this douche. Maybe he was over it? But based on his reaction to seeing the man earlier, that didn’t seem right either.
While Izzy had been pondering this, Nigel had continued to blather on about his and Stede’s past. “There was this time with a rowboat! Oh, has he told you this story? It was hilarious. It was our one year anniversary and I took him on a picnic, of course we were still in high school at the time, and he brought me this book of poetry or something queer like that, and my brother and I jumped him and tied him to a rowboat, then threw rocks at him. It was hilarious!” Nigel was cracking up, but both Izzy and Ed looked at each other horrified.
“You did that for your one year anniversary? Did you…get him a present? Or apologize?” Ed asked. He was clearly trying to contain himself, but Izzy could see the telltale signs of him starting to lose himself. His face was getting red around the edges as he got angry, and his teeth were practically grinding together, Izzy could see it in the set of his jaw. Where was Stede? He scanned the crowd to find him, but he couldn’t see him anywhere.
“We fucked afterwards,” Nigel tossed out carelessly, as if that made up for the abuse. “Bought him some flowers and bruise cream the next day, that always made him happy for a few days, until I did something else ,” he said it sarcastically, as if it was a running joke or something. Like he had to make up for things so often it was a burden.
Ed decked him right in the nose, landing a punch with a sickening crack. His knuckles bled on impact, apparently it was a really hard hit.
“Fuck,” Izzy murmured. He grabbed Ed, consequences be damned, and dragged him away from the scene as quickly as possible, muttering curses under his breath as he went. Where the fuck was Bonnet? He needed him to help cool Ed down. He could feel himself slipping into panic mode, shutting down as he tried to get Edward out. He had been doing this for too damn long, keeping Edward safe from repercussions when he had his temper tantrums. Where was Bonnet? He could really use the help right about now.
Stede was trying so hard to hold it together. He kept glancing over at Nigel and his boyfriends. He couldn’t bear to look at Edward and Izzy’s faces, too scared of what he would see there. He knew they hated him now. They were going to break up with him as soon as they left the party. He was weak. He was so so weak. He couldn’t protect his partners. He couldn’t do anything right. He couldn’t even follow the conversation he was supposed to be having.
“And so Jimmy Kimmel and Paris Hilton were showing theirs off, Stede did you see that?” Some weird man Stede was pretty sure he had never met before asked him.
“What? No. I honestly couldn’t care less about NFPs or whatever,” he said plainly. Then paused, remembering the manners beaten into him by his father. Shit. He really couldn’t do anything right. Everyone was staring at him. They were shocked into silence. He was polite, everyone knew he was the epitome of a gentleman and he had just admitted to not caring about polite conversation. Oh goodness. The room was getting small again. There was the sound, ringing, it was getting louder. Did he just hear the word rowboat? No, no he wasn’t telling that story. He glanced over to see Nigel miming paddling a rowboat. Oh no. No no no.
“Bonnet?” Someone questioned, laying a hand heavily on his shoulder.
Stede flinched away. Oh no. The room was definitely spinning. Maybe that was the dance floor? No, no he wasn’t on the dance floor. There was the fog again, and the chest pain. Ouch. He was having a heart attack. He never thought he would die from a heart attack, but Nigel was probably right, he was overweight. This is how he was going to go. He couldn’t die in the middle of the museum though. No, that would ruin the holiday party for good. “Excuse me,” he muttered before bee-lining for the door.
Everyone was staring at him. Oh god. He bumped into a waiter and caused the man to spill his champagne flutes onto the floor. They tinkled beautifully as they fell, echoing in the loud room, but that was definitely the loudest sound. Even more people were looking now. They were all going to see him die. This was the end of Stede Bonnet and his miserable life. There was the fog again. It was getting black around the edges. He pushed himself outside into the night and stumbled to the side, out of the view of everyone else. He didn’t want anyone to see him. He wanted to die alone, in peace.
Ed and Izzy burst into the cold, quiet night, and Izzy immediately felt some of the tension leaving his body. It really had been too crowded in there, and way too loud. He was pretty sure no one was following them. Based on some of the looks he saw right when Ed punched the Badminton twat, a lot of people wanted to do the same thing. He tuned into the fact that Edward was talking, but there was another noise too, almost too soft to hear. It sounded like…whimpering? Oh no, Izzy really should’ve stuck with Bonnet.
“I can’t believe he just left us with that massive dickhead! I mean, he just disappeared, he went to all these precautions to make sure we were okay and this wouldn’t happen, and then when we need him, POOF! Fucking gone! I just-”
“Edward, can you shut your mouth and think about someone other than yourself for one goddamn minute,” Izzy hissed. Ed stopped talking and finally Izzy could make out the other sound he was hearing, labored breathing. Extremely labored breathing accompanied with quieted sobs, the kind that had been practiced to be that way, the kind that no one was supposed to hear. Goddamn it.
Izzy shoved his way into the bushes until he came upon the crumpled form of Stede Bonnet, hiding behind some large hedges and curled into as small a form as he could get. He was covered in little cuts, probably from the stupid fucking bushes, and it looked as though he had been clawing at his throat as well judging by how red and irritated it looked. Izzy took the man’s hands in his own and held them loosely. “Stede,” he said softly.
Stede’s unfocused eyes suddenly became laser sharp on his partners. He yanked his hands out of Izzy’s and quickly wiped his tears away rather violently. “Israel, Edward, are you two alright? I’m so sorry I left like that, I just had to sort myself out. All better now.”
Izzy and Ed shared a look with each other, having a small conversation with their eyes before looking back to Stede. “Let’s get you home, mate,” Ed said, setting his bruised hand on Stede’s shoulder.
“Edward! You’re hurt! Oh dear, did you have an episode? I’m so sorry, I should have been there, I’m a terrible partner. I shouldn’t have left you like that, especially not with-” Stede’s breathing hitched and he had to stop and take a few breaths before continuing. Izzy and Ed’s worries only increased. “I understand if you want to leave me now. I get it. I would leave me, I am so sorry I failed you.”
Ed’s mouth dropped open, and Izzy didn’t have any words either. “Leave you? Stede, I punched that fucker in the face, he was an ass. Why didn’t you tell us about him before?”
“Why would I? He was just a person I dated for a number of years, we don’t still keep in contact.” Stede was standing and brushing the dirt off of himself, fretting a bit over his pants, pretending to be wholly unaffected by the conversation they were having.
“It sounded like he abused you, Stede,” Izzy said softly. He took his boyfriend’s hand again, intertwining their fingers. “That’a a big deal, especially if you were together for years.”
“It was nothing, just some friendly bullying. Let’s get home before the authorities try and come for Ed,” Stede brushed off. He let go of Izzy’s hands to push forward through the bush. He didn’t even notice as a branch caught and tore his nice suit jacket, entirely uncharacteristic of him.
Izzy looked to Ed for help, who just looked back helplessly. “I should go back there and kill the bastard,” Ed muttered darkly.
“Maybe later, but I think he needs our help right now, even if he doesn’t know it.”
The two made their way back to the car where Stede was already waiting. He had a far away look in his eyes that frankly concerned Izzy. “Ed, why don’t you drive, I want to sit in the back with Stede and look at some of those cuts.” He took the keys from Stede’s loose grip and passed them up.
Once in the car, Izzy intertwined fingers with Stede again and rubbed his thumb carefully over the back of the man’s hand. “I know you’re worried about Ed and I, but we really can handle ourselves. You can come to us when you’re feeling overwhelmed too, it’s not a one way road.”
“I don’t need any help, I can handle myself. I’ve never needed it before,” Stede said firmly. “Whenever this…happened in the past I would usually just find a quiet spot to wait it out. No one ever minded before, they preferred I dealt with it myself, you know? I got so good at it.” He seemed far away, lost in memories or spiraling, Izzy didn’t know. Maybe both.
“Well that’s bullshit, you don’t need to do that any more,” Izzy said firmly, squeezing Bonnet’s hand.
“Thank you, dear,” Stede said dismissively, but Izzy knew Stede either didn’t hear, or he just was being ignorant on purpose. It was frustrating that he wouldn’t just talk. He preached openness and acceptance to his other friends, the coworkers he liked, them for fucks sake, but that didn’t go back to him? Did he feel he had to keep it together for everyone or what? It was ridiculous.
Back at the house, Izzy walked hand and hand with Stede, guiding him up to the apartment. He and Edward carefully undressed their partner, who tried to wave away the help, but they insisted. Eventually they got him sitting on the bed in between them so they could at least attempt a talk.
“Why did you think we would want to leave after we talked to Nigel?” Ed started off.
Stede flinched at the name, but pointedly kept his eyes on his lap. “We were together for a long time, he and I. I just figured he told you how weak I was, and clearly I’m living up to it,” he sniffled ruthfully, wiping his eyes like they offended them.
Izzy took both of Stede’s hands in his own. “You are not weak, why would you think that?”
“I like flowers, and poetry, and I’m fat and stupid, and I can’t take a hit,” he sniffled, trying to contain himself.
Ed openly laughed when Stede called himself fat. “Mate, you are not fat, you are perfectly average, and even if you were we would still love you.”
“But I cry, and I couldn’t keep a wife, or please anyone, I’m a terrible father. I can’t be strong for you both. I could never be strong. I cry when flowers die,” he added ruefully. “I wasn’t there tonight when you needed me, who’s to say I’ll ever be there. I’m too worried about myself. I ruin beautiful things, I always have. My flowers, my relationships, my-”
“Bonnet, please. You haven’t ruined anything between us. You have been a wonderful partner. We’re just two old men who thought we were too tired to experience joy anymore, you showed us how wrong we were.” Izzy squeezed Stede’s hands comfortingly, trying to get him to believe his words.
Ed carefully tilted Stede’s face up so they could make eye contact. “Listen, we like that you cry when flowers die, or when we watch movies together. You have been so strong for us, maybe too strong. We were placing our burdens on you, that was our fault. You were just so good at calming me down, and bringing Iz back from space, we didn’t even stop to think how that might be affecting you. That’s our fault. You’re allowed to have your own brain stuff too.” Ed knocked a bruised knuckle lightly against Stede’s temple, trying to hone in his point.
“I’m not,” Stede said, indignant.
Izzy bit his tongue before he said something he would regret. Stede just wouldn’t listen, and he was acting like a brat about it too. They were trying to be sweet for fucks sake! That was hard for him, and Ed too to an extent. “We’re not going to get through that thick skull tonight, are we Bonnet?” Izzy said after taking a moment to stop himself from being a dick.
Stede shrugged and started climbing into bed, still only wearing the boxers the two had stripped him down to earlier. “I assume you’re going home for the night,” he murmured dismissively.
Izzy really couldn’t fathom why Stede wouldn’t listen to them on this. Clearly he was not mentally well, and he would bet money that the man had never gone to see a therapist or even really talked about his past to anyone. He wondered how much even Mary knew, he would have to ask the next time he saw her.
“We’re not leaving you alone tonight, mate,” Ed said simply, already climbing into bed next to their partner.
Izzy got up and shut the lights off, then got on the other side of Stede. Maybe he would at least take solace in being the middle of the cuddles tonight.
Izzy watched the ceiling for a long time, trying to compartmentalize Stede’s behavior and why he might be doing what he was. He was so open about emotions most of the time, he openly wept during sad movies, he encouraged others to share what they were feeling, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized Stede never really reciprocated, not really. Sure, he would cry during sad movies, or share surface level emotions, but never anything deeper. It was all very performative, like he could only share the emotions he thought would be relatable to those around him. If Izzy said something hurtful, Stede would come back with an equal amount of sass, or he would call him out, that’s the Stede Izzy knew. When Ed punched him on accident, they had sat down and had a conversation about it. Now that he thought more about that though, something had been sort of off in that interaction too. Stede had been so quick to forgive Ed, to assure him that he understood it wasn’t the man’s fault.
Ed had been snoring for quite awhile by the time Izzy finally let his eyes drift shut. He felt himself nearing sleep when he felt Stede start to move. At first Izzy just assumed he was preparing to starfish out, as he usually did in his sleep, however it was clear after a few more movements that Stede was very much awake, and trying to maneuver himself out of the bed without waking the others. Izzy let Stede get a head start before getting up to follow him. He watched as a closet door opened and shut, then the soft crying started up again. Izzy sighed. He wished Ed was the one awake, he was better at emotions.
“Bonnet, why are you crying now?” Izzy asked quietly as he opened the closet and knelt in front of the man, who was once again curled up in a ball and weeping on the ground.
“I th-thought you were asleep,” Stede whimpered.
Izzy just watched, waiting for an answer patiently. It was a few quiet moments of Stede sniffling, clearly trying to repress his tears before Izzy realized he wasn’t getting an answer. He sighed and sat down next to his partner, then carefully maneuvered Stede so his head was cradled in Izzy’s lap. He started petting through the curly blond locks, trying to sooth the crying man. “You’re okay Stede, I’m right here. Ed and I aren’t going anywhere.”
Truthfully Stede had continued to spiral. His conversation with his boyfriends did nothing to lessen the tension, really he barely even heard it. They were still going to leave in the morning and probably never come back. He was used goods. He was good for nothing. He couldn’t make his wife happy, he couldn’t make his children happy, he couldn’t make his boyfriend’s happy, his father, his mother, he couldn’t even make Nigel fucking Badminton happy. He was a waste of air.
Wriggling out from the bed and climbing into the closet to hide was the most logical decision. Let Izzy and Ed snuggle up, they had been happy together for so long, where did he even fit into that space? He didn’t. Izzy following him surprised him, he had assumed both men were asleep. Even more surprising was being laid with his head in Izzy’s lap, and his calloused hands running soothingly through his hair. It helped ground him, and his spiraling slowed to a calm, mostly blank mind.
“Back with me?” Izzy rasped, pushing Stede’s hair back from his forehead so he could look down into the man’s eyes.
“I suppose so,” he said, barely a whisper.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on in that pompous head of yours?” There was no malice in the words, only affection.
“Honestly these types of things always put me in a state, but seeing…him there really threw me over the edge.”
“I noticed that. Care to share why?” Izzy tried to leave it open ended, making it Stede’s choice to share.
After a few steadying breaths, Stede looked up at the ceiling, unable to make eye contact as Izzy learned how much damage he had sustained. “I was a lonely child at school, no one wanted to talk with me or be my friend, they wouldn’t even partner with me for projects, and I was picked on quite a lot, that’s probably rather obvious.” He paused again, collecting his thoughts. Did he really want to burden Israel with his past? It was so long ago now, it seemed unnecessary, but a hand was still reassuringly running through his hair, so he decided it best to continue. “When Nigel and his twin approached me, offering friendship, I thought it too good to be true. And it was, really. Them and their group of friends were always making me the butt of the joke in many ways, but people were talking to me, they were spending time with me, so I kept hanging around them. Eventually we grew a bit older and it came to be the time in young boys lives when they’re prone to…experimenting. Nigel always pulled me behind the bleachers in the gymnasium, or into his dorm late at night and we would kiss and explore. It was never…untoward. He was rough, and it was unpleasant at times, but I never said no, I was experimenting too.”
Izzy stayed silent, continuing his reassurances. He had several doubts about everything being totally consensual, but maybe that was a topic for another day.
“Of course I was fooling around with some of the other boys at that time too, I was a bit of a slut in my youth,” Stede smirked up at Izzy then throwing him a wink. Izzy snorted a small laugh. “I’m not afraid to admit it. But Nigel…he was possessive, and eventually he wanted to be exclusive, and I was young, and I wanted to be wanted, and he gave me that feeling. I craved feeling important, I think I still do sometimes, but he gave me that, at the time. It’s why we were together for so long. I couldn’t leave him, not when he wanted me. And yes, at some point the teasing got physical, and not all the contact was wanted anymore, but then I had Mary.”
Stede paused for a long time after this. He eventually reached back for Izzy’s hands, and laced their fingers together. He softly kissed each of his boyfriend’s knuckles, then the back of his hand. “The worst part?” And this was whispered to the back of Izzy’s hand, voice barely above a whisper. Even in the quiet of the night Izzy had to strain to hear him. “I think I would still be with him if my father hadn’t forced me to marry Mary. I would either still be with him or…dead. Either by my own hand or his, I don’t know.”
Izzy felt his heart clench at the words. He leaned down to place a chaste kiss to Stede’s lips before sitting up again. “I’m so sorry,” he said into the silence.
“It’s in the past now my love, nothing to be done about it,” Stede shrugged, sitting up.
“There’s plenty to be done about it. Like telling you how much Ed and I adore you, and how much we want you. You are wanted Stede Bonnet. By Edward and I, by Mary, by your children.”
Stede scoffed at that.
“No you don’t get to laugh. Your children adore you, even if you don’t see it. Mary does too, obviously not as a lover, seeing as you’re a gay man, but she loves you as a friend. You need to get it through your thick skull that Ed and I love you, baggage and all.”
It was the first time Izzy had said it out loud, and Stede immediately teared up, but it wasn’t overwhelmed or sad tears this time. He pulled Izzy into a much deeper kiss this time, holding him there until he was breathless. “I love you too, Israel, I love you both.”
“Now we can figure out how to tell Edward in the morning, or not, this is your past to share-” Izzy started, but was cut off.
“Sorry mate, cat’s already out of the bag,” the gruff voice of a sleepy Edward came from the entrance to the closet.
“How long have you been there?” Stede asked, slightly weary.
“Uh, been here since ‘Bonnet, why are you crying now?’”
Stede snorted a sort of sniffle, snort, laugh cry sound and clambered off the floor. He launched himself into Ed’s arms, who barely caught him in a tight embrace. “Can’t believe you heard all of that and didn’t say anything, you massive twit.”
“I didn’t want to ruin the moment,” Ed said into Stede’s shoulder.
“Let’s just go back to bed, we can talk further in the morning if you’d both like, but-”
“Yes Bonnet, we will talk more in the morning. We’ll talk about strategies for communicating, and I’ll drill into your head how much we need you in this relationship, and how we’re never going to leave you, blah blah blah. But right now, we are going to sleep. God knows we all need it.” Izzy was already pushing the two hugging men backwards towards the large bed.
The morning was sure to bring more complications and hard discussions, but now was time to rest, and Stede, Ed, and Izzy were all happy to be in each other’s arms, with the knowledge that they were stupidly, ill-advisedly, in love.