Chapter Text
Shatterstar understood, rationally, that he was not like most people on earth. Even his teammates, who would not be considered normal humans, saw him as an outcast. It didn’t matter. ‘Star had a job to do on his team. He was able to fight and he had all his basic needs met. That’s all that mattered.
At least, that’s what ‘Star told himself when he first noticed the team was treating him differently. But he did care. As weak as it made him feel to admit it, he wanted their approval. Their affection. He would never tell them that. To admit weakness was something Shatterstar was not capable of doing, not to his fellow warriors at least.
He felt so alone on this planet, so he took solace in whatever he could find that brought him comfort. He enjoyed training and watching TV, two activities that required very little interaction with other people. So he threw himself completely into both.
Maybe he was watching too much TV. He liked what Rictor referred to as ‘romcoms’, and the rest of the team found his enjoyment of that category funny. He didn’t typically watch more than 3 seconds of any particular channel, but he got the gist. He even found it endearing, the human concept of love. It was foreign to him before he came to Earth. Sure, he had been married, but his wants and desires, and the wants and desires of his wife were unimportant. They had never met and he had no desire to change that.
Nonetheless, he was intrigued.
He was spending more time around humans. Well, only a few humans. And technically they were mutants, which he had been told was different. He didn’t particularly enjoy spending time with most of them, his irrational need to be accepted by them be damned. He felt an inherent bond because they fought together, but that was it. That was all he needed. It had to be.
And then he met Julio. Not Rictor, but Julio. Nobody else got to call him that and Shatterstar couldn't help but feel proud when he was graced with the gift of Julio's name. ‘Star couldn't understand why Julio went out of his way to befriend ‘Star. When Julio had first joined the team, he had frequently tried to engage in small talk. ‘Star had found it infuriating. He had a strict schedule that consisted of training, watching TV, and then going to sleep. The only exception was if X-Force had to go on a mission. So he was not thrilled to have someone he was sharing a living space with be so seemingly dedicated to disrupting that schedule.
The only time he found Julio bearable was when they trained together. Julio was a good fighter. He had good instincts and his power was devastating at best and lethal at worst. ‘Star, at the very least, could appreciate that about him.
He noticed when he trained with the rest of the team that they used a method of communication that was incomprehensible to him.
“Tabs, 2:00!” Julio shouted. This made no sense to ‘Star, but Boomer turned and blasted the hologram away before it could land a hit. After the simulation ended, Julio came up to ‘Star.
“You alright, dude?” He raised an eyebrow. ‘Star looked at Julio for a moment. He knew it was unwise to let an enemy know when there was a gap in your tactical knowledge. It inevitably set you up for defeat. But he had to remind himself that Julio was not an enemy. Julio would not hurt him. They were on the same team.
“Why are you telling Tabitha the time while we fight? I don’t understand it, but clearly, you all do.” Julio looked a bit surprised and then smiled.
“Y’know, it’s like the positions on a clock? Relative to the person you’re talking to? You’ve really never used it before? Figured a warrior like you-”
“We don’t have your version of clocks on my homeworld” ‘Star interrupted, feeling defensive. The idea of Julio thinking he was incompetent was upsetting for some reason he couldn't pinpoint.
Julio nodded, raising his hands in a placating gesture. “Makes sense. If you want, I can teach you how to read a clock. So, y’know, we can communicate better in battle. I know you’re all about that kinda stuff.”
‘Star looked at the clock hanging on the wall and tried to decipher it himself, only to give up a moment later. It made absolutely no sense to him.
“I would appreciate that greatly.”
Julio beamed at him. ‘Star liked it when Julio smiled at him.
/////
Shatterstar didn’t understand most people’s jokes, so he didn’t laugh at them. That upset most people. They got offended when he didn’t laugh and they got even more offended when he explained that the reason he didn’t laugh is that he didn’t see what was funny about it. It didn’t upset Julio. Julio made jokes often, and while ‘Star found that endearing, he often didn’t get the jokes so he didn’t laugh. Julio never took it personally. He never even really seemed to notice. ‘Star appreciated that.
Julio had a way of making sure Shatterstar never felt ‘weird’ around him. ‘Star didn’t have to worry about the exhausting task of making sure he didn’t upset people with his constant training, his cold exterior, his inhumanly tall 7” frame, his misunderstanding of idioms and pop culture references, his long hair (Sam had explained that it wasn’t very normal for human males to have long hair. That was an absurd rule, so ‘Star ignored it).
He tried not to read too much into it. He had been fooled before. Oftentimes when people told him that they didn’t care how weird or strange he was, that was code for “You’re useful, so I’ll put up with you. But I won’t be happy about it and I’ll make sure you know it.”
But Julio genuinely didn’t seem to care. He seemed to find many of ‘Star’s “quirks” funny, but he was never offended by them. When he didn’t understand why ‘Star did something, he would simply ask, and ‘Star would explain. Maybe he found it slightly amusing and let Shatterstar know as much. And that would be that. ‘Star didn’t understand why it couldn’t be this simple with everyone he met. He would be a lot less miserable if everyone was like Julio.
But not everyone was like Julio. Most people were not like Julio. ‘Star didn’t like going out into large groups of people, especially without the team. He stood out no matter where he went. It wasn’t the attention that bothered him, necessarily. ‘Star was used to attention, more used to it than most. He was groomed to entertain the masses, he had no choice but to be okay with attention. No, he found people’s constant unreasonable expectations of him to be exhausting. He was always violating rules that nobody told him about. It was exhausting and ‘Star didn't see the point. It was easier to just spend time with Julio.
One day they were sitting together in the common area, the channels rapidly changing due to Cable’s programming. It used to annoy Julio a lot but he had gotten used to it. ‘Star asked Julio a question. Julio was used to this. ‘Star was curious about a lot of things and he was always happy to explain.
“What does love feel like?” Julio's eyebrows shot up. It wasn’t often that ‘Star asked a question that genuinely surprised him, but he also knew that ‘Star had no filter so this wasn’t completely out
of left field.
“I mean, it depends on who you’re feeling it for.” He looked at ‘Star. Julio was laying down on the couch, head propped up on the armrest and legs in ‘Star’s lap. ‘Star was on the far end of the couch, sitting up perfectly straight. “Like, the way I love my mom is different from how I love my friends or girls I’ve been with, y’know?” ‘Star didn’t know, didn’t know his mom, and hadn’t slept with any women. Julio was his only friend and ‘Star didn’t know if he loved him. He certainly cared more about Julio than he did about anyone else. But he had no way of knowing if that was love.
“I don’t know my mother and you’re the only friend I’ve ever had. So I’m not sure that I do know.” ‘Star answered honestly. “What does it feel like to love someone romantically?” Julio looked up at the ceiling, probably pondering how to explain such an abstract concept.
“I guess it feels like that person is an extension of yourself. Like if they suddenly left your life, you wouldn’t be you anymore. Getting to spend time with them is the highlight of your day. You worry about them. If you ever had to choose between their life and yours, you’d choose theirs in a heartbeat.” Julio was still staring up at the ceiling. ‘Star wondered who he was thinking of. There was a feeling deep in his gut that he couldn't quite identify.
‘Star nodded at Julio's answer and kept his eyes firmly on the TV.
“So love feels good?” ‘Star asked. Julio tilted his head.
“Most of the time. But because you care about the other person so much, whenever you fight, or if you lose them for good, it feels bad. Really bad.” ‘Star looks over to Julio.
“If it feels so bad, why bother in the first place?” ‘Star will only admit in the privacy of his own mind that he found the idea as it was presented on television to be appealing. But he saw how upset Jimmy often was over Terry. He certainly didn't seem happy with their relationship most of the time.
Julio gave a small smile. “Because it’s worth it. Because the good moments are just that good. We put ourselves through some of the worst times of our lives so we can have some of the best times of our lives.”
Julio looked at ‘Star. “Any reason you’re asking?”
‘Star thought for a moment. Most of what he knew about humans comes from TV and talking to Julio. It’d be impossible for ‘Star not to notice how focused so much of humanity is on love. Nearly every show or movie had a love story. Even though ‘Star had been confused at first, he had grown to enjoy these stories a great deal.
“I like romantic stories on television and I was curious what it was like in real life.” ‘Star had to be reminded frequently that TV was not true to life.
Julio made a noise of acknowledgment. “Most movies make it seem easier than it is. But people like them because it's something most of us can relate to. We’ve all loved someone in our lives.”
‘Star picked at Julio's pants. After a moment of consideration, he rested his hand on Julio's ankles. “Do you think I’ll ever be able to love someone?” ‘Star asked quietly.
Julio's face turned serious. “Of course you can. If you can have a favorite show or have friends, then you can love someone.” Julio sat up, putting his hand on ‘Star’s shoulder. “I know most of the people in your life have thought that you’re some emotionless killing machine, but they’re wrong. I know you better than they do. I know you’re not a weapon. You’re a person. So I don’t see why you couldn’t love another person.”
‘Star tried to keep eye contact with Julio, but it was difficult with their faces so close. ‘Star tightened his grip on Julio's ankles ever so slightly, as a sign that he acknowledged and understood what he was saying. It was enough for Julio to understand.
Julio laid back down, his eyes moved back to the TV. ‘Star followed suit. They didn’t talk much for the rest of the night, but that was fine. ‘Star wanted time to think about what Julio had said.