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Once again, Straw Hat and the Surgeon of Death were having a rendezvous for the third time that month, and, of course, rumours and worries were flying everywhere from it. “What are they planning?” was the most common question, a question that Smoker unfortunately knew the answer to. Of course, everyone thought they’d be planning something nefarious, a massive hit against a naval base somewhere, a possible Celestial Dragon assassination, oh, the theories got wilder and stranger.
But the wildest and strangest theory of them all, that many scoffed at and dismissed immediately, was one Smoker knew to be the absolute truth.
Straw Hat and Trafalgar were a thing.
He found it difficult to swallow at first – and hell, he witnessed it with his own eyes – but in the end it made sense in a fucked kind of way. Besides, it wasn’t as if it mattered. They could be gay pirate married for all he cared; he’d still be dragging their asses into jail. No amount of accidental cockblocking was going to stop that.
Which he knew he was going to be doing today, since that seemed to be the established routine at this point. So, there was a rendezvous between Straw Hat and Trafalgar (he may as well mentally label them as “the pirate couple” at this point) at an island close to G-5’s current position. According to reports, the captains’ crews had been well behaved, and the locals had maintained distance from them, although the captains had disappeared within an hour of meeting into a nearby inn. A private room was taken. Obviously nefarious plans and discussions were taking place.
Nefarious plans and discussions were not taking place.
It went like clockwork – Smoker kicked down the door, there was yelling, a thud, and Trafalgar jumping off the bed to hide behind it, probably because he was naked if the clothes thrown around everywhere were any indication. Monkey D. Luffy, as usual, was taking everything in stride despite not having any pants on, and was sitting on the bed peering down at where Trafalgar presumably was, greatly amused.
Smoker made sure his eyes stayed above shoulder level.
“I don’t know why you don’t do this on your own ships,” he said. “Do you have a kink for this?”
A hissed “no” rose from behind the bed just as Straw Hat bobbed his head. “Traffy likes to meet up and- ow!”
Trafalgar’s sword came swinging up from behind the bed, smacking Straw Hat on the arm, swiftly followed by the doctor himself. He looked annoyed and frustrated as he always did in these moments, brandishing his sword around while strategically remaining low enough to not flash Smoker. He was unexpectedly kind like that.
“Don’t tell him that! Just put your pants on!”
“What? C’mon, Smoker doesn’t mind.”
Smoker scowled at that. He went ignored.
“Luffy-ya, I wonder how you’d look if I stuck your arms on your head.”
Straw Hat opened his mouth – then paused, looking thoughtful. “I’d… look like Chopper’s beetle form. Oh, that’d be cool! Hey, Traffy, do it!” He held out his arms, giving his hands a little encouraging shake. Trafalgar looked more than a little sour that his threat had inspired nothing within Straw Hat, and seemed to be contemplating a spontaneous stabbing instead.
“Right, I want it back,” Trafalgar declared suddenly, pulling an inch of his sword’s blade from its scabbard, “My heart. Hand it over. We’re switching them back.”
“What? No, Traffy-!”
Smoker decided that this was the perfect time to remind them that he was here to arrest them and not be an awkward witness to the weird dynamic of their alliance/marriage for the xth time. He felt like sighing as he tapped his jitte against the doorframe, successfully drawing their attention. He seriously could do without knowing any of this.
“Put your clothes back on, lovebirds. I’ll give you two seconds.”
Trafalgar immediately activated Room in lieu of a response. Things went a bit chaotic after that.
“They got away again…!”
Tashigi expressed her disappointment freely beside him, even if she was still somewhat red faced from the indecent chase they had through the town. The two seconds Smoker gave the captains hadn’t been enough –more than a few people, Tashigi included, had been traumatised by seeing two notorious pirates streaking through the otherwise sleepy town.
“Tch,” Smoker chomped at the end of his cigar, completely desensitised to such things by now, and eyed the horizon where the Thousand Sunny was nothing more than a shrinking dot. Trafalgar’s submarine had vanished the moment the waters had been deep enough. He felt irritation brewing. He was certain he told his subordinates to dock near this point to have a quick interception. Where the hell were they?
“But I don’t believe it…” Tashigi’s voice dropped to a murmur, and she fidgeted in a clearly flustered manner. “I thought it was a joke… Trafalgar Law and Monkey D. Luffy a thing?”
Oh right, this was, somehow, the first time Tashigi saw them like that. She normally got sidetracked by the other members of Straw Hat’s crew when the inevitable streaking happened. This time she had a naked Luffy almost land on her when he had jumped out of the window. The surprised shriek she let out had almost deafened the whole street.
“It doesn’t matter if they’re ‘a thing’ or not,” Smoker grunted, his eyes narrowing when their ship finally came into view. “About time. We’ll pursue Straw Hat.”
Hopefully, they’ll be able to catch up to him at the next island and have a normal, straightforward fight for once. He was beginning to miss those days.