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With a flourish of his coat, Stede sat on the sofa and gestured for Lucius to take the armchair. Lucius obliged and opened his journal, quill poised.
“So,” Lucius smiled.
“So!”
“First night at sea, very exciting.”
“I’d say! Definitely one for the memoir.”
“Well, fire away! Whenever you’re ready.”
“Right.” Stede pulled back his shoulders and set his jaw. “The mission I am embarking on is perilous.”
“Strong opener, love it.”
“But I take comfort from all my years of preparation. I have done my reading, my self reflection, and here I am-”
“Ready to do some pirating,” Lucius agreed.
“No, ready to seduce Blackbeard.”
Lucius’ quill went skittering across the page.
“Careful! I’m not paying for a journal full of blotches!”
“Sorry,” Lucius laughed shakily. “It’s just, it sounded like you said you were going to seduce Blackbeard.”
“Yes, that’s right. Come on, get writing!”
“And you get who Blackbeard is?”
“Of course!”
“Dread pirate. The king of the seas. Brutal, ruthless-”
“Lovely eyes.”
Lucius snapped the journal shut. “Okay, what the fuck?”
“Well, if the illustrations are anything to go by.”
“The sea’s already driven me mad, that’s the only explanation.”
“Lucius, Lucius,” Stede smiled sympathetically. “I’m aware my plan is audacious.”
“Oh good, because you’re acting like it’s not totally insane.”
“Is it really though?”
Lucius had taken to holding his temples, as though that was the only thing keeping his head from exploding.
“Um, yes. Yes, I'm pretty sure this is completely insane.”
“Consider: has anyone ever simply asked Blackbeard how he’s doing? Struck up a friendship with the man? Had a friendly conversation with him, even?”
“No, and there’s a reason for that.”
“What, you mean the fuses in his beard?” Stede scoffed. “That’s just a love of theatrics, one of the many things I suspect we have in common.”
“Okay, so you think the deadliest pirate that ever was is actually just lonely and wants to make a friend. I’m hearing that, but I’m still not sure how that translates into wanting to-”
“Seduce him.”
Lucius grimaced rather than repeat the words.
“Well.” Stede flushed as he remembered his impressive collection of etchings. “If I’m going to abandon my wife and children to live as an outlaw on the high seas, I may as well shoot my shot, right?”
Lucius put his face in his hands. “I can’t believe this is how I’m going to die.”
“That’s hardly the attitude! I’m feeling upbeat about my prospects!”
“You’re feeling upbeat about your prospects of seducing Blackbeard.”
Stede nodded enthusiastically.
“How? Why?”
“Well, based on everything I’ve read about Edward-”
“Calling Blackbeard by his first name, sure, perfectly normal.”
“He’s a very smart man. Well travelled, good sense of humour.”
“Where the hell are you getting this from?”
“His schemes have a flair and a flourish that’s completely missing from those of Kidd and Vane or whoever. He keeps things fresh! He likes when things are a bit different!”
“Right,” Lucius said, dragging the word out.
Stede allowed himself a pleased smile. “Meanwhile, I’m an aristocrat who decided to trade in a life of leisure for getting shot at and stabbed. I think that makes me pretty different too, wouldn’t you say?”
Lucius sighed. “Can’t argue with that. I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but: what’s your plan? For getting in Blackbeard's pants?”
“I’m glad you asked!” Stede took out a pocket notebook. “I’m going to do something so spectacular that it can’t fail to get his attention!”
Lucius frowned at the notebook. “I thought I was your scribe.”
“Oh you are! This little beauty is my plan of attack. Or rather, my plan of seduction, I suppose, there’s not to be any attacking.”
“Can I see?”
Stede held it to his chest. “It gets rather salacious towards the end.”
Lucius shuddered. “Yeah, no, you keep that.”
Stede found his place and began to read. “Step one: we commandeer a merchant ship and steal as much silk as possible-”
*
Well, that had been the plan.
The reality - inadvertently stabbing a childhood bully through the eye, taking hostages and then proceeding to lose said hostages after running aground - hadn’t featured in any of Stede’s plan’s meticulously detailed steps (or sub-steps).
It was a shame things were already going off-piste because Stede had been looking forward to several of the plan’s early stages. Especially those involving costume changes and putting on different accents. Getting half hung to death and gut stabbed didn’t have the same appeal.
The net effect, however, was the same: he found himself on the same ship as Edward. It just so happened that he was on the floor of said ship, gasping for breath and steadily bleeding out, instead of quipping and swashbuckling like he'd hoped.
Edward swaggered towards him through the smoke and Stede did his best not to sigh dreamily as he craned to look at him.
“The Gentleman Pirate, I presume?” Edward said gruffly.
The man’s eyes were even larger and brighter than he’d imagined. Stede resisted warmly greeting this kindred spirit and stuck instead to step seven of his plan.
“You’ve heard of me?” he croaked, as nonchalantly as he could manage. He cheered silently at the look of utter bafflement on Edward’s face before promptly passing out.
*
Perhaps it was disingenuous, pretending his fever was worse than it actually was. Perhaps, but Edward’s hand felt so warm and solid on his chest that Stede was happy to leave it there as long as he possibly could.
If he improvised a few “delirious” comments about Mary and being uncomfortable in a married state, well, that was hardly that strange for a man who had been gut stabbed. It took every ounce of self control not to grin when Edward demanded to know who Mary was.
When Stede finally “woke up”, he enthusiastically kept up pretences. After all, this - gorgeous, kind, whip smart - man sat perched on his bed could be absolutely anyone. Could be any member of Blackbeard’s leather clad crew. It didn’t escape Stede’s notice how quickly Ed’s expression changed from mystified to fascinated by Stede’s apparent confusion.
Stede floundered over what to do next, equally blindsided by the intensity of Ed's concern and by the agonising pain in his very stabbed abdomen. Or he did until Ed picked up his cashmere throw with a quietly hungry look. Stede could have schemed for years and never dreamt up anything as perfect as Ed letting himself stroke his cheek with the fabric.
Stede had just the thing for him. He staggered over to the bookcase, ready to grab the little mannequin there and fire the big guns.
He smiled at Ed. “Can you keep a secret?”
*
“Hold on, hold on,” Lucius said at their next journaling session. “Are you saying you negged Blackbeard?”
“Heavens no, why would I egg him?”
“No, negged.”
“What does that mean?”
“Like, you put him down. You pretended you didn’t know who he was to try and get him interested.”
Stede looked affronted. “No way, that would be uncouth! I just intrigued him by pretending that I didn’t recognise him. It took the pressure off for him, not to mention it added some mystique to proceedings!”
“You are a very weird little man,” Lucius muttered as he wrote.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. So, he’s on the ship now, he likes silk-”
“And cashmere. And linen.”
“Basically every fabric aside from the one he’s wearing, got it. He’s doing all that and he’s like… living here or crashing here or whatever. What’s next?”
Stede beamed as he considered. “I think it would be rather nice to go on a dinner date.”
“With Blackbeard. Who doesn’t know that you’re seducing him.”
“Yet," Stede said, flipping through his Plan of Seduction. "Dinner was supposed to feature in the second half of part two but things are going so well I think I can just skip all this stuff in between. We've already swapped clothes, shared breakfast and gone on a raid together, we're whizzing along!"
“So happy for you,” Lucius said wearily. “You really think he’s into dinner dates? Wouldn’t a bar brawl be more his speed?”
“Hardly, he’s quite sophisticated. I think he’d enjoy a nice meal, music, a spot of dancing perhaps. I’ll throw in some chaos for good measure, of course, just to keep things interesting.”
“Of course. And where exactly are you planning to go? Not a lot of high end restaurants out here in the ocean.”
“No, but the place is riddled with Spaniards and French. Which do you think he’d prefer: tapas or snails?”
*
The dinner party turned out to be a bust - trust the French to ruin things. The ensuing arson had improved matters, though. Stede had tried his best not to blush at Ed’s wide eyed look as they sailed away, crackling fire and screaming toffs at their backs.
Stede had practically called it a night until he'd walked on deck for a breath of fresh air and found Ed, stood in the moonlight. He still looked exquisite in his borrowed finery, fingers stroking what looked like silk as he wistfully stared at the sea.
The scene was almost suspiciously romantic, not that Stede was complaining.
Stede walked over, apologising and sympathising with Ed before carefully taking the silk from him. He put as much love into arranging the pocket square as he knew how. He hadn’t practised conveying devotion through folding fabric before. An omission on his part, he knew.
Ed swayed forward. Stede almost pulled him in for a kiss but stepped away, just in time. Tempting though it was, it would have been a waste of several pages of worth of planning to kiss now. Ed would understand, Stede was sure, when they finally had their perfect first kiss during a raid, with their swords drawn, midway up the rigging (for style points).
He bid Ed good night and, plan be damned, let himself look over his shoulder before heading inside. Sure enough, Ed was glancing back too. He looked like his brain was truly starting to scramble.
Even at a distance Stede heard Ed’s wistful sigh. He waited until he was safely in his quarters before punching the air in triumph.
*
“You’re weirdly good at this,” Lucius said over their latest journaling session.
“Thank you!”
“I’m not sure it’s a compliment, more an observation. I’m kind of scared of what you’re planning next, you both already act like you’re married.”
Stede puffed up proudly. “I was actually thinking you could join in.”
Lucius leaned back so far he threatened to tip over.
“Absolutely not. No. I know me and Pete have got a very open thing going on but I am not shagging my boss. Bosses. Whatever you two are.”
“Not like that!” Stede squawked.
“Thank god.”
“I meant you could put in a good word for me!”
"You want me to be your hype man?” Lucius winced.
“Couldn’t hurt, could it? You have a certain forthright way of delivering messages. That's bound to appeal to Ed's sensibilities."
"You want me to talk to Blackbeard in a forthright way."
Stede nodded. "About his feelings for me, he's clearly conflicted about them."
"Could that have something to do with how you're seducing him but pretending like you don't know you're seducing him?"
"Maybe, but the man's a master tactician. He'll appreciate the intricacies of my plan when I reveal my ruse."
"Keep telling yourself that.”
“So you’ll talk to him?”
“I’d rather keep living, thanks."
"You'll be fine! He's a sweetheart, honestly. Now that’s agreed-”
“Barely.”
“-I've narrowed down my day trip ideas to a shopping spree, a spa day or bird watching.” He handed over the Plan of Seduction. “Help me pick. There’s pros and cons for each over the next ten pages."
*
Lucius’ pep talk seemed to have the desired effect. What exactly he’d chosen to say to Ed remained a mystery however, since he talked animatedly about liking his face un-stabbed whenever Stede broached the subject.
Nowadays when Stede stole glances at Ed, he almost always spotted Ed stealing them right back. He hadn't factored in the possibility of Ed counter-seducing him. What if Ed struck first with a kiss or a confession? It would scupper Stede’s intricate plan of declaring his love in the conveniently driving rain. The currently bone dry weather was already scuppering him enough.
The answer was simple, he knew. He had to apply the brakes, or at least put Ed off the scent, until the temperature lowered, literally and figuratively. How he was supposed to do that when faced with an increasingly familiar co-captain was another matter entirely.
Fortunately, a solution materialised without Stede lifting a finger. It was just unfortunate that the solution had such a weird moustache.
*
Journaling proved challenging with a raucous soundtrack of late night whippies.
Stede grimaced when the latest whip crack and drunken cheer sounded. "Jack’s got to go.”
“Agreed,” Lucius said. “He’s going to take someone’s eye out with that thing."
“I meant because he’s after Ed, but yes, the whip isn’t sensible either.” Stede shot another sour look at the door as more cheers went up. “My books didn’t say anything about this.”
“What, about Ed turning into a fuck boy around his exes? I mean, they’d have to be pretty specific books to mention that.”
“I suppose.” Stede ran a hand through his hair. “Still, this does afford me an excellent opportunity.”
“For what? Please don’t say you’re going to have, like, a whip off with Jack or something. If you're going to whip out anything, just let it be your dicks and get it over with.”
Stede pursed his lips as he considered. That was probably a bit forward. Not to mention it would in no way cool Ed’s jets.
“I was thinking more that I could tell Jack to get off my ship. Oh, or maybe I could say get off my damned ship, that would be really salty. What d’you reckon?”
“You get that you’re literally the captain, right?”
“Yes, but it’s not my usual captaining style, is it? This is more bad arse.”
“God,” Lucius looked ready for the ground to swallow him whole.
“I think Ed liked it when I had that sword fight with Izzy, he likes when I’m a bit tough.”
“You were crying over that broken armoire when I came in just now.”
“It was a very lovely armoire.”
On deck, bottles smashed and applause broke out.
“Please just get out there,” Lucius said.
“How’s my hair looking? Good? Better than Jack’s?” Stede tweaked his fringe again.
“Go before I lose an eye.”
“Jack can’t whip you in here.”
“No, I was planning to jab myself with the quill. Out. Now.”
With a final sweep of his hair and swoop of his gown, Stede stepped on deck to a rather unfortunate sounding squawk from Karl.
*
And then Ed had left.
Stede hadn’t prepared for that.
Much less his return, or that of the British. His Plan of Seduction said nothing about the Act of Grace, either.
It was only when Stede sat on his bunk bed in the Privateering Academy, accompanied by a beardless and impossibly young looking Ed, that he patted his pocket and found the notebook still in there, mocking him. He tucked it under his pillow and waited for Ed to fall asleep before thumbing through it. With each turn of the page, he felt more and more mortified. Eventually, he snuck outside to the beach and threw the damned thing in the sea where it bobbed pathetically on the water.
What good had it done, planning? What had he achieved? Blackbeard was beardless, he himself was shipless and Stede knew for a fact that the Plan of Seduction had nothing whatsoever to say about how to escape from ten years' service to the Crown.
“Useless,” Stede muttered as he watched the notebook wash back and forth against the shore.
“Ah, there you are,” Ed said, just about breaking Stede out of his spiralling thoughts. Stede only truly snapped to his senses when Ed concluded.
"So I reckon what makes Ed happy is… you."
Stede bumbled his way through a response only to find himself being kissed.
It was a gentle kiss. Careful, testing the waters. No rigging, no raid. It wasn’t even drizzling.
“Oh Ed,” he said sadly.
His reaction clearly unnerved Ed.
“What’s wrong? Did I get this wrong?”
“No! Not at all! It’s just… Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve been lying to you.”
Ed frowned. “Lying? How?”
“I’ve been seducing you. This whole time! I’ve been playing the fool but I had a plan and everything and now I feel terrible for being so underhand and-”
“I know.”
Stede faltered. “What?”
“Yeah, I know you’ve been seducing me.” Ed gave his thigh a pat.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Why would I when I was enjoying it?”
“You were enjoying it?” Stede squeaked.
“Fucking course I was. People are always expecting me to come up with plans and schemes and shit, it was great to just take a load off and see what you’d do.”
“Right.” Stede’s smile grew. “Any fave moments?”
Ed considered. “The bit with the arson and the hoity toity people. Love a bit of arson.”
“That was a favourite of mine as well.”
“So, come on. Was this what you’d planned for our first kiss? You were taking forever.”
“It’s not quite what I had in mind,” Stede said diplomatically.
“Huh,” Ed mused. “But you liked it? The one we had?”
“I’d say so, yes.”
“If we’re being honest,” Ed said, leaning into him. “I was kind of seducing you back. Just a little.”
“You mean by getting stabbed?”
“Yeah, stuff like that.”
“You really didn’t need to get yourself stabbed to show me you liked me.”
“Fun though.”
“Not for me.”
Ed grinned. “What do we do now?”
Stede’s heart sank as he looked at the Plan of Seduction floating about. “I wish I knew.”
Ed followed his gaze. “Isn’t that that notebook you’re always looking at?”
“Oh, yes. Ignore that.”
Ed promptly hopped to his feet and fished it out of the water. After giving it a shake, he peeled the pages apart with a wicked smile then turned to Stede.
“Yeah, I mean I can’t read shit of this. What does it say?”
“It’s not going to help us.”
“Why not?”
“Because, well, it’s my Plan of Seduction.”
Ed grinned wider. He stared even harder at the words as though that might make sense of them.
“Of course it is.” Ed sat back down beside him. “Come on, read it to me.”
“The ink’s run, it’s ruined.”
That was something of an exaggeration. The words were perfectly legible for the most part, if a little drippy. And even if it had been ruined, Stede had the thing practically memorised.
“Things aren't ruined,” Ed said with a confident smile. “Read it to me.”
“Why? What good will that do?”
“I don’t know, maybe we’ll find some inspiration.”
“For what? I’d say we’re both suitably seduced,” Stede said, watching Ed’s thumb as it stroked his thigh.
“Completely seduced,” Ed agreed. “But maybe if we read between the lines, connect some dots, we might find a plan for escaping in here too.”
Stede felt a surge of hope as he turned to the beginning.
“Alright. Step one: we commandeer a merchant ship and steal as much silk as possible-”