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For a number of years, Kaeya believed he was living to die.
Ever since the night where the one person, the only person, he cared about had left him standing cold and numb in the rain, he didn’t feel he had anything left to live for.
His past was one of loss; every life he’d tried to build had crumbled to dust in his hands. First, his life in Khaenri’ah. Then his one in Mondstadt. He didn’t really belong anywhere, and so any foundations he tried to put down shifted like sand beneath his feet.
Yet Mondstadt was the city of freedom, so it was as good a place as any to live to die. Kaeya let the winds blow him in whichever direction they chose, so whilst he was known all over the city, nobody really knew him. Not properly.
He’d worked hard and been rewarded; promoted to Cavalry Captain in a mere few months. Every day he woke before sunrise and worked past sunset, but it didn’t really matter. If there was one thing that Kaeya believed in, it was that this, like everything else in his life, would crumble to nothing. It was like he was living on borrowed time; each day worked was a day closer to the inevitable, where he would be left standing on a pile of rubble and dust and he’d have to start over from scratch.
Kaeya didn’t want to start over. More than anything, he didn’t feel he had the strength to begin life anew. Again. So he came to the only logical way to break the cycle; to die.
He wasn’t suicidal, he’d told himself a number of times. He wasn’t selfish enough to take his own life, to put someone through the trauma of finding his cold body on the floor. Though he couldn’t deny that the thought of slipping away one night and never returning was tempting. Very tempting.
So instead, he lived to die. He took on the most dangerous missions, alone if he could. Risked his life to pull off perilous strategies. Sometimes risking the lives of his own men in the process. It had almost worked a handful of times, but it was never quite enough. Kaeya was a fighter, and a strong one at that. He wasn’t going to lay down his sword and surrender. If someone was going to kill him, they’d damn well have to work for it.
And tonight, they had. Or perhaps Kaeya simply hadn’t been observant enough. He’d seen the flash of a second blade too late, felt the sting of pain as it was driven into his gut. It actually hurt more when it had been pulled out, Kaeya dizzily recalls as he stumbles down the dark alley, too narrow for even the full moon to offer much light.
He clutches one hand to his abdomen and uses his other for balance as he presses forward, one foot scuffling ahead of the next. He feels his strength wane with each splatter of blood on the ground, and then it occurs to him.
He’s going to die.
And instead of relief, Kaeya feels a panic bloom across his chest. For someone who told himself that he didn’t care about anyone, a lot of people flooded his mind in that moment.
Jean. Jean would have to arrange his funeral, alongside the mountain of work she already bears. Alongside even more work if Kaeya wasn't there to do it. Though Jean was undoubtedly his boss, they leaned on each other in more ways than either cared to admit. If Kaeya fell, she'd struggle to keep upright without him.
Lisa. Lisa was like a mother to him; brutal with her honesty but caring in her own way. She always had tea and biscuits and sound advice. Once, in a moment of drunken self loathing, he’d told her how much he wanted to die. She’d told him how she didn’t have much time left. Though neither spoke to the other of it again, they shared some sort of deeper understanding. He didn’t want her to have to attend his funeral.
Albedo. The chief alchemist who dipped in and out of his life much like the wind. He could sense that Albedo didn’t feel he belonged either, but it didn’t seem to eat away at him in the way it did with Kaeya. And though Kaeya took every opportunity he could to tease the smaller man, he couldn’t deny the admiration he had for his focus and determination. For his intelligence and drive. Albedo kept pushing forward in a way Kaeya only wished he could.
Klee. Archons, Klee. Just the thought of someone having to tell her that Uncle Kaeya was- was.. It brings a sudden sting of tears to his eyes.
Diluc.
His vision begins to swim, white spots dotting his gaze making it hard for him to focus on anything. And for the second time in his life, he begins to pray.
Barbatos.
He doesn’t even have the strength to say it out loud.
Barbatos, I know I have no right to ask this of you. But please, I don’t want to die..
He stumbles a few more feet.
“You let him get away.”
If he’d had the strength to laugh, Kaeya would. He supposed he deserved this; of all the people to find him, it had to be the last person in all of Teyvat he wanted to see. Maybe he should hurry up and die on the spot, save himself the embarrassment.
No, he didn’t want to die.
He wants to make a smart comeback instead, something along the lines of ‘I didn’t see you catch him either’, but all he manages is a sharp gasp of pain.
Feet land lightly behind him just as Kaeya’s knees buckle, and he feels strong hands on his shoulders stopping him from crumpling to the ground completely. He leans back against the alley wall and looks up into deep, red eyes.
“Keep still.” The command is firm as a hand tries to prize Kaeya’s own from his stomach. Kaeya tries to resist, worried that the release of pressure might cause him to bleed out completely, but he doesn't have the strength.
“ ‘m not g-going anywhere..”
His bloody hand falls to his lap, and he hears Diluc hiss as he sees the full extent of the injury.
“You need to get to the cathedral. Now.”
As if he hadn’t been trying.
“Don’t suppose you.. you have a tele-telep.. teleport..”
He can’t even finish his own joke, how pathetic.
Diluc reaches to grab something from under his cape, but Kaeya can’t really see. His eyes can’t focus anymore, so he feels the vial press against his lips more than sees.
“Drink.”
Kaeya opens his mouth and the liquid flows in, but it tastes bitter and acrid, making him cough and gag. Panic sets in again, wondering if perhaps Diluc is trying to poison him, and he tries desperately to push him away.
“Stop it. Drink.”
Strong fingers grab his jaw and there’s no fight left in him. He swallows what little he can, letting the rest dribble down his chin. Finds it hard to speak, to think, to care. He tries to think of Amber, of Eula, of Huffman. He has to live, he has to.
Distantly, he thinks Diluc stands. Hears something about staying put, getting help, but it’s as if someone is saying it underwater. Well, it’s not like he’s going very far. Or maybe he is; going the furthest one possibly can, somewhere the living cannot possibly hope to follow.
The last thought that goes through his mind before he slips into darkness is how troublesome it would be for Noelle to have to empty and clean his office. Like the poor girl doesn’t have enough to do already.
------
He recalls the next few days in colour only.
Mostly black, occasionally blue or green. A soft amber glow, a flash of red. More black. A white so blinding it hurts his eyes. More flashes of red, then darkness once again.
When he finally regains some semblance of consciousness, he doesn’t immediately recognise the ceiling above him. It’s not his own, nor the one in his office. It doesn’t look like one you’d find in the cathedral, or one at the infirmary.
He blinks and tries to look around, but even a slight movement of his eye hurts.
“Do you think you can eat?”
Red swims in his vision and he has to blink a few more times before he can focus on Diluc, holding a beaker of water to his mouth. He nods slightly, then closes his eye as his head feels like it's going to implode.
He opens it again when he feels the beaker nudging his lips, and it takes a lot of effort to peel his tongue from the roof of his mouth. The water tastes like crystal, so crisp and clear that Kaeya briefly wonders if Diluc had hiked to the highest spring in Mondstadt just to fetch it for him.
Diluc pulls the cup away before he can drink more than a few mouthfuls, and Kaeya takes the opportunity to look down. He’s shirtless, but it’s the height of summer so he isn’t cold. His stomach is neatly bandaged, and he doesn’t think he can feel any pain. Other than the pain in his head.
Diluc approaches again, this time with a spoon and a small bowl.
“Porridge and honey,” he states simply.
“You couldn’t make me a pancake?” Archons, his voice sounds like gravel and broken glass.
“No. Eat.”
Kaeya attempts to take the spoon, not wanting to be hand fed like a child, but with no strength he immediately drops it. Porridge splatters on his chest and he hears Diluc sigh, sounding more disappointed than frustrated.
“Sorry.”
Diluc wipes his chest clean with a damp cloth, which Kaeya finds only slightly mortifying, before offering the spoon again. This time Kaeya allows himself to be fed, swallowing as much as he can before shaking his head and asking for water again. Diluc obliges, but at no point does he raise his gaze enough to look Kaeya in the eye.
Once he’d drank as much as he could without feeling like he was going to vomit, Kaeya glances around the room. Though it is unfamiliar, the view from the window isn’t. Maybe he really did die, and hell for him is being bed-bound at the Dawn Winery, nursed by Master Diluc.
Well, there were worse places to spend an eternity in damnation.
The polite clearing of Diluc’s throat brings Kaeya back to the present somewhat, and he winces as he tries to shift to a more comfortable position.
“Why am I here?”
“I thought you’d be more comfortable recovering here than at the cathedral, or the infirmary. Once you were stable enough, I arranged for you to be brought to a guest room.”
Arranged. Kaeya wonders if Diluc had even bothered to accompany him on the way here.
“You need to rest, Kaeya. I’ll be back to check on you in a few hours.”
“Wait. What about the bandit?”
But Diluc only shakes his head, and the door closes, and Kaeya is left on his own.
There is no worse company than his own thoughts.
It’s why Kaeya worked so hard and drank so much. Anything to drown out those voices that spiralled around and around his head.
They’d only got louder the day Diluc had turned his back on him. Kaeya knows he should have waited to tell him the truth. Or should have said it sooner. To this day he can’t say why he chose that particular moment in time to come clean, but one thing was certain. Of all the reactions he’d anticipated, never once had it occurred to him that Diluc would draw his blade.
Kaeya remembers it like it happened yesterday.
You traitor!
The words weighed with such pain that Kaeya had felt it in his own chest. You traitor! You traitor you traitor you traitoryoutraitoryoutraitor!
Then Diluc was drawing his claymore, and Kaeya had drawn his own sword out of instinct, but his arm hung uselessly at his side. He wasn’t going to fight. Not Diluc. If Diluc wanted to kill him, then so be it.
But Diluc didn’t move. He stared at Kaeya with such hate and fury, until eventually the rain dampened the flames on his blade. Then, scoffing, he turned his back and walked away.
Kaeya stood frozen, numb, in the rain. He doesn’t know for how long. Could have been minutes, could have been hours. All he remembers is looking down and seeing the cryo vision in his left hand.
That was the moment his second life had shattered, and he had to start building his third. It should have been easier; at least he was in a familiar place with familiar faces. But somehow it made the effort even harder, and he’d dug himself into such a deep pit of self loathing that he didn’t think he’d ever see the light of day again. If the weight of it could kill, Kaeya would have died years ago.
And so Kaeya thinks. And thinks, and thinks. Until the sunlight coming through the open window fades from a bright light into a warm glow, and the shadows from the curtains begin to stretch along the wooden floor.
Diluc, as promised, does come to check on him. He brings freshly brewed tea and what looks like.. more porridge.
Kaeya resists the urge to groan, instead pushing himself more upright and determined to eat the damn thing on his own this time.
Diluc sits at his bedside in silence as Kaeya manages to eat and drink without assistance. When he can bear it no longer, Kaeya breaks it.
“Jean-?”
“Is worried about you, but has authorised plenty of time for you to recover. Your duties have been split amongst the knights, as far as I know, so don’t worry about putting excess work onto one person.”
Kaeya hadn’t been worried about that, but now that Diluc says it, he does feel some sort of relief.
“Kaeya, you need to stop doing this.”
There’s a tense silence as Diluc meets his gaze for the first time, and Kaeya resists the urge to look away.
“Doing what?”
“Trying to get yourself killed. It’s like you have a death wish. Why do you do everything alone unless forced otherwise?”
Kaeya pretends to flick at a bit of dirt on his shoulder. “Aren’t you always one to complain about how inefficient the Knights are? I’m surprised you would even suggest I take them with me.”
“Well, apparently you need to. You could have died, Kaeya. Have you even processed that? If I hadn’t found you, or I’d found you a few moments later, you’d be dead.”
Oh, he’d definitely processed that one. More than Diluc would ever know.
“I find it quite hypocritical that this lecture is coming from the man who spent four years on a solo Fatui rampage.”
“I didn’t die.”
“Yes, you did.”
Kaeya had kept Diluc’s vision with him every moment of every day. He’d seen when the light began to flicker and fade, clutched it helplessly as it dimmed and then went out altogether. It had only been for a few moments, but to Kaeya it had been a lifetime.
“I’ve had enough decency to not ask you about it, but I know what happened. Did you even find what you were looking for?”
“Stop deflecting, this isn’t about me.”
If only Diluc knew how wrong that was.
“I get what you’re trying to say, and I appreciate it. I guess. And I appreciate you bringing me here so I’m not pestered by visitors on a constant basis. But lectures aren’t going to help me recover, and I’m going to assume you want me out of here as quickly as possible?”
Diluc was silent for a time, before giving a slight nod.
“I’ll recover as quickly as I can. And.. I’ll take care, okay?”
It seemed enough, for after offering another cup of tea Diluc leaves without a word.
Kaeya was on his own again, but he forces his mind to slow down. No racing thoughts, no spiralling self loathing. He needs sleep, and lots of it. He thinks of Rosaria, and how much grief she was going to give him. He thinks of Venti, probably passed out in the bar already. He falls to sleep thinking about Nimrod and how much trouble he’ll be in without Kaeya to cover for his drinking.
The next few days pass by simultaneously quickly and at a crawl. Diluc checks on him sometimes, speaking very little, but for the most part it’s the maids that tend to him. Adelinde is very kind, as she’s always been, and he enjoys catching up with her in the brief moments she had to spare. And it was Adelinde who entered his room that morning with a smile and freshly pressed orange juice, to deliver the good news.
“Master Diluc says you’re well enough to return to Mondstadt today. I think you should go to the cathedral first, before you report to the Favonius headquarters. You know, just for a check up.”
So Diluc couldn’t even come to tell him that in person?
“Has Diluc already left for the day?”
“He’s leaving now. I think-”
But Kaeya doesn’t wait long enough to hear what she thinks. He bolts from the bed, snatching up a shirt on the way out and runs into the hallway. He sees Diluc at the front door, speaking to a maid as he pulls on his gloves.
“Diluc!! Wait!!”
He leans over the balcony, waving to get his attention, and only when Diluc turns to look up at him and folds his arms does Kaeya descend the stairs.
He takes them slowly, partly because he doesn’t want another lecture, and partly to build up the courage to say what it is he means to say.
Spending a lot of time with oneself after a traumatic event has a funny effect on the mind, and Kaeya doesn’t even realise the symmetry as he steps forward with the intention of telling Diluc the truth. Again.
“I..uh.. I’ll be leaving for Mondstadt shortly.”
“Yes.”
“I just wanted to say thank you, before you left.” He eyes the maid standing to his right, and sensing a conversation she shouldn’t be privy to, she offers a curtsy before moving away.
Diluc raises an eyebrow, arms still crossed, and stares at Kaeya for an explanation.
“You didn’t have to do all this. I’m not entirely sure why you did,” Kaeya admits, touching gently at his healing abdomen subconsciously. “I know that.. things won’t ever be like they used to, but.. I miss you, Diluc. I know we aren’t the same people anymore, but I do miss you. I thought.. maybe.. at some point we might be able to talk?”
“Talk about what?”
“Anything you want. Everything, nothing.. I miss your voice sometimes, that’s all.”
Kaeya’s heart hammers as he searches Diluc’s face for any emotion. Any reaction at all.
“I see.”
That’s it? That was all he has to say?
“Good day, Cavalry Captain. Make sure to stop by the Sisters in the cathedral before you report to the Acting Grand Master.”
And he was turning his back, and walking away. The words ring empty in his ears.
I see. I see. I see I see I seeIseeIseeIsee.
Kaeya wants to scream. He wants to vomit. He wants to..
He wants to die.