Chapter Text
The Mykonos sky blue envelope slid under the door, smacking Kimberly in the foot while she walked to make her morning coffee.
“Owww, what the heck?” Exclaimed the roommate as she nearly tumbled into the mini fridge.
“Oh my god. Do not step on my final round Kappa invite!” snapped Leighton, who was already fully awake and wired, despite having hardly slept the night before in anticipation of this delivery.
Leighton tore into the envelope as fast as she could while keeping the heavy card-stock invitation intact. Anticipation swelled in her chest as she pulled out the note that would detail her last social hurdle on the way to Essex’s most exclusive sorority. As she quickly scanned the glittery foil insert, her stomach dropped.
“The sisters of Kappa Alpha Rho are pleased to invite Leighton Murray and Guest to an evening of cocktails and conversation at our home.” Details like the date, time and attire blurred in Leighton’s vision, obstructed by the implications of Guest.
Leighton had played this last round in her head hundreds of times since rush events started last month. She was prepared to mingle at brunches while effortlessly avoiding crumbs on her shirt. She could enthusiastically dig in dirt at a community service day. Or, she could bring her best stories - funny, clever, but of course classy - to a dinner party. She had outfits planned for each potential scenario. But bringing a date to one of these functions was not a situation she had obsessively run through her brain.
The blonde started to feel faint as she moved towards the frumpy plaid couch in the middle of the common room. “What’s wrong?” asked Whitney who appeared from behind her door. “I thought you’d be screaming from the hilltops after getting another invitation from the white girl cult.” Staring straight ahead in almost a trance-like state, Leighton said in a low, shaky voice, “It's a date party…I need to bring a plus one.” Kimberly and Whitney locked eyes across the room, both taking in this information and what it meant for their hardly out roommate.
“Oh, shit.” said Whitney.
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Since fall semester, Leighton made small but meaningful strides to come to terms with being gay. After tearfully coming out to Kimberly fresh off her heartbreak with Alicia, the blonde confided in Whitney and Bela just before winter break. They knew something had to be up - in the aftermath of Alicia, the normally perfectly put-together blonde wore sweatpants to the dining hall. But once Leighton opened up, they were nothing but loving and supportive, if not a little surprised she decided to let them in.
She even came out to Nico in a moment of emotional desperation. After calling a truce when Nico finally apologized to Kimberly, things felt like they were almost back to normal between the siblings. Nico even waited around a few days for Leighton to take her advanced math final so he could drive her back to the city. Despite telling herself it wouldn't be any worse than the last couple of years, Leighton was a ball of nerves when Nico picked her up for the ride home, dreading the prospect of living under the same roof as both her parents and her secret for three weeks. But as the grassy expanse of Essex faded in the rear view mirror, Nico slowly eased her anxiety, even making her laugh as he caught her up on Theta’s latest antics. But of course, Leighton’s mother couldn’t even wait until they were back in the city to test Leighton’s delicate emotional state.
[Michelle]: Nico, Leighton - we’re going out with the Shaw’s tonight at Sandros on 81st. Jacob, a Junior at Essex, will be joining, so Leighton please wear something nice. And be nice.
The heavy-handed arrangement alone is usually enough to send Leighton into a spiral, but coupled with the fallout from Alicia, she couldn’t contain the rage that quickly boiled up inside her. Looking up from her phone, Leighton seethed. “If I have to go to one more family dinner with a random single guy I will roll out of this car. I’d prefer the fucking hospital stay.”
“Woah, Leight, that’s a little intense, even for you.” Nico gave her a side eye in traffic.
Riding the wave of anger, Leighton found herself continuing, “I’m not going to be interested in this guy. Or any guy. I don’t know why she even bothers. It’s a freaking lost cause!” Leighton slumped back in the seat then froze, realizing a moment too late she said her innermost monologue out-loud. It took Nico a minute to respond, and Leighton couldn’t bring herself to turn and witness her brother comprehending her admission in real time.
“What do you mean it’s a lost cause, Leight?”, asked Nico, his gentle delivery suggesting he might know the answer, but was giving his sister space to say it herself.
Leighton tensed up, recognizing a window to retreat if needed. She could make up an excuse - she was tired from finals, feeling sick, maybe even interested in some other guy at school. She had deflected questions like this hundreds of times in the past five years. But her exhaustion at hiding overpowered any cost of telling Nico her deepest secret. “I mean that…I mean that I’m not interested because…I’m gay.” Leighton whispered as she stared straight ahead into holiday traffic.
The two seconds it took for Nico to respond may as well have been an eternity, but as Leighton started plotting her highway escape plan, she heard her brother say, “Oh, cool….I mean, it’s okay to say cool, right?”
A combination of a sigh of relief and laugh came out of Leighton. “I mean, I wouldn’t call mom's worst nightmare “cool”, but yeah, I think it’s okay to say cool.”
Nico smiled at his little sister. “We’ll deal with mom later. How long have you known?”
Leighton looked down and smiled while she thought about how to tell her brother a part of her always knew. But another part spent years painfully putting together the pieces, resisting acknowledgement until it was too clear to plausibly deny. She thought back to middle school, when her open and carefree nature started to recede as boys and talk of crushes became increasingly common. She thought of the warm feeling she got around a camp counselor with short hair and a kind smile. The prick of fear and shame in the gym class locker room. Her obsession with Shake it Up (more specifically Zendaya). The way her heart stopped the first time she let herself click search after typing “am I gay”. An off-handed comment her mom made about a lesbian couple at dinner, seared into Leighton’s brain forever. Her first kiss with a Tinder date from a Brooklyn high school a universe away from the Spence orbit. The simultaneously euphoric and terrifying realization that these lips and hips and smooth touch made her theoretical suspicion very, very real in practice.
But the weight and shame and quiet hope of those years were still too raw and precious to share, so she settled for, “Since Zendaya was on the cover of Teen Vogue in 8th grade.” Nico laughed as Leighton’s smile faded. “And I…um…kind of started dating someone this fall, but I totally fucked it up because I wasn’t out.”
“Shit Leight,” said Nico, his warm smile turning quickly to concern. “I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this alone for so long. That sucks.” He turned to his sister and smiled again, “But, wait, tell me about this girl. Is she hot?”
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Despite their positive and supportive reactions, Leighton still hated coming out - it felt like she disassociated from her body whenever her mouth formed and somehow released the words “I’m gay.” But the relief that came after began tipping the scales away from hiding in the closet forever.
Even more incentivizing than relief was the prospect of being back with Alicia. Rather than move on, like the brunette insisted after the ABC party, Leighton felt increasingly desperate to hit reset and try again. In the vulnerability hangover after each admission, Leighton ached even more for a comforting kiss on her forehead and full body embrace from the girl that got away. She craved much more than that too, of course.
A few days after coming back to campus, Leighton found herself face to face with Alicia outside the Econ building, both disheveled trying to trudge through the snow to early morning class. Just after their breakup, the small grounds felt suffocating, like the short girl could appear in front of her at any second. But now, she praised whoever designed the winding pathways that all but guaranteed she’d run into Alicia sooner rather than later. She saw the meeting as both a reward for surviving three weeks under the critical eye of her mother and a chance to show off the fruits of her hard-won emotional labor. Fresh hope and giddy anticipation sprang inside her as the two’s eyes met with snowflakes dancing around them.
“Hey,” the normally brusque and confident blonde smiled shyly. “Hi,” Alicia smiled back.
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They agreed to take things slow at first. Alicia was moved that the blonde came out to her roommates, the people closest to her on Essex’s campus. But it was Leighton coming out to Nico that gave her hope. Hope that what budded within the four walls of her apartment that fall could get a chance to bloom in full light. Hope that Leighton could overcome her old world of expectations and status with the new one of vulnerability and authenticity she was building. Alicia wasn’t naive - she knew the blonde had a long way to go, but in their first couple of weeks back together, little moments revealed something had shifted within her girlfriend. Like when Leighton grabbed her hand as they walked by storefronts in a neighboring town. Or when she snuggled up to the brunette on the common room couch and, in full view of her roommates, planted a small kiss on Alicia’s cheek. It felt like Leighton was slowly shedding the heavy insecurities that gripped her last semester. In those moments, Leighton felt her fears ever so slightly eclipsed by an overwhelming desire to be close to Alicia. And once the initial moment passed - when no one starred or made a comment or thought less of her - she was just left with the comfortable bliss of holding the girl she was pretty sure she loved.
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But letter in hand from Kappa, Leighton’s old fears roared back. Though she knew it was inevitable, the blonde hadn’t had the mental fortitude to imagine the moment where her life with Alicia merged with her life in Kappa. Whenever Leighton thought about coming out - like really coming out - her normally broad, rational outlook shrunk down to overwhelming tunnel vision, only letting her see one tiny, terrifying step ahead.
“Fuck!” Screamed the blonde, jolting Kimberly and making her eyes go wide. “If…if I take a guy, Alicia will hate me, and think I’m ashamed of her, and if I take Alicia, I’m basically telling my entire future sorority I’m…” Leighton couldn’t even finish the sentence, it was too scary to imagine. She moved to the couch, afraid she might pass out if she stood there any longer.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” soothed Whitney, going into calm problem solver mode as she approached the blonde. “We can figure this out.”
“What if you went stag?” asked Kimberly innocently. “Oh my god, Kimberly.” Leighton turned, her voice getting faster and building with indignation, “How can I convince Kappa I’m social enough to join their inherently social organization if I can’t find a single person to bring to their social event?!”
“I could see if one of the guys from the Catullan would go,” said Bela, who popped in seemingly out of nowhere.
“AHHHH!” screamed Leighton, making all three of her roommates jump. She got up off the couch and stormed to her room. “Actually, maybe I’ll go alone,” she huffed before slamming the door.