Chapter Text
Makoto doesn't like to think back to memories before he was 16, there's something up with them. Some chill he gets down his spine when he thinks of his early teen years. Maybe it was just him, but he slowly stopped focusing, like he was uncovering some hidden truth that didn't need to be said. He thinks he doesn't remember, but they're all there. Slowly reering their ugly heads once more.
But it wasn't like he had trauma, he had to stay strong for his sister future bride. He couldn't let himself have another episode, losing face was his biggest fear. And if it got out to the public, who knew how they would react? He wouldn't be able to support his crumbling family after a scandal. Were emotions scandalous?
So he stayed quiet, now, avoidance wasn't his main trick to keeping his emotions in check. Denial did that just fine, but this time he had an urgency to use that card. But he didn't have trauma, right?
His nails dung into his skin as he bit down on his lip, hard. Something was touching him. He felt like a vulnerable kid again, with his parents arguing. They never hit him per say, but there neglect spoke volumes to young Makoto. That was bad, but this was so much worst. Darling- no, Shi, no, no Kutsuki, was back. But he wasn't in Kyoto anymore, he wasn't, he couldn't be here in Hidari Wakibara. Did he come back to claim Makoto again? God, he was going to be sick.
"Makoto! I'm home!"
What was home? A place where you feel at least the bare minimum of safety?
What- what did safety feel like?
"Makoto?"
He felt covered in warm hands. They were petting his hair, they slowly crept into his pants, like they were teasing him. His breath halted and he shifted closer to the corner of the room to hide from them. Tears rolled down his cheeks, glimmering like diamonds. He felt so exposed. His mouth tasted like lead.
"S- stop touching me p- please," Makoto sobbed, warping his arms around himself. He squeezed his eyes shut and begged them to stop. They didn't listen.
Darling, I can't help being aroused by you. You are so beautiful, like a lustrous princess. You are mine, remember that.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
He was always taken advantage of because of his beauty, no one actually like him. He was just naïve and sexy, so it was easy to use him for their pleasures.
Then why did he feel so hideous?
Because you are. His brain hissed back. It wasn't very wrong, because why else would all his lovers run away? He must be ugly, or clingy, or naggy, or stubborn, or to dependant, or desperate. He must be the one to blame because bad things happen to bad people. That's what they say.
But even he could admit that Kutsuki Shi was a monster and terrible. He could admit that, right? I mean, Kutsuki plagued his mind with nightmares, so he hated him.
But he loved him.
He was the only one who didn't leave on his own volition. He didn't abandon him like his parents. He liked to think that he had a heart of gold.
But did he really?
God, did he know anything? Maybe it was just him. Maybe it was a dream and he'd wake up any minute now.
Please wake up.
Okay, so he was going insane. It wasn't any of those illnesses that hit too close to home, he was just deranged. That was that, he was hallucinating the whole debacle and it would be over soon.
But it's been years. There are newspaper and articles, it happened.
But why wasn't he arrested then? Why did that rat bastard go off scot free? Maybe he lost a few fans but people still watch his movies. They're still banger after banger, hit after hit. So he had to be going crazy, becoming batty if you will.
Before he knew it, he stood up, still feeling those damn hands, and walked toward the toliet. He slowly bent down to rest his head on the seat, and promptly vomited out of disgust. Or maybe bulimia season was in full swing again, he didn't know and didn't care.
Kokomi didn't barg in to help him out and rub circles into his back, whisper sweet nothing into his ear and tell him she wouldn't leave. Because she would leave at the first sight of it, and Makoto knew that well and good. He was ready for her to exit the door and never come back, just like everybody else.
He should buy a knife, it would do everyone good.
He would end the cycle, once and for all.
All in favor? No objections?
Of course no one cares, who would care? All he has ever done is ruin every relationship he's ever had.
Let's do them a solid, he thought to himself, a grin spreading across his face.