Chapter Text
Levi had been lying awake for maybe an hour, staring at the ceiling but not really seeing it. After they had finally eaten, he had gone to sleep feeling a strange elation that he had never allowed himself before. He was content because he and Erwin had finally confessed their feelings after months of pining and suffering, of frustrations and bizarre intimacies they had allowed each other that might have been obvious to others but not to either of them. He had initially thought this would make things so much easier, simpler.
But he had awoken feeling complicated. Somehow, it felt more complex than the two of them being secretly in love with each other and never saying anything. Perhaps it wasn’t more complicated, but Levi’s initial joy had simmered into tensions that were winding knots in his stomach.
When their marriage had been fake, neither of their feelings were meant to have any impact. Nothing had really mattered because their marriage was merely a contract, a term of agreements, an event that had led to future perks, it wasn’t something that feelings were connected to. If their marriage had ever no longer made sense, then they would divorce, feelings wouldn’t truly play a part.
But now their marriage was real, based in truth, and their feelings mattered. Levi had cared for Erwin, not just platonically but romantically as well, and he had been fine to continue without Erwin loving him in return. It had been painful and caused aches deep in his chest, but that was life, and Levi was not used to receiving things that were as encompassing and rewarding as love returned.
Now that he had it, he wasn’t sure what to do with it. It felt monumental, more than he could handle. Love was not a feeling he knew how to look after, nurture, even just think about, let alone share with someone. It wasn’t something his body had functioned upon in the past, and he didn’t know how to use it in the present, how to utilise it and share it.
Were there more expectations now? They might have been acting a certain way these past few months because of their feelings, but did the acknowledgment mean things had to change further? Did Erwin hold expectations that he would want Levi to fulfil if their marriage was now based in truth? For those who were looking in from the outside, it might not seem like anything had changed, but things were different now, weren’t they? Wouldn’t it change again?
Levi was still lost in aching thoughts when Erwin stirred. The sun had barely risen; they had gone to bed so early last night, shortly after dinner because of the way things had transpired. Levi didn’t like talking, didn’t care to discuss his feelings, but maybe they should have talked more. They probably should have had deeper discussions before they had even gotten married, but they hadn’t. They had talked some last night, but should they have talked more? Should they talk more now? Levi didn’t really want to, he wasn’t even sure talking would sort out any of his feelings, he just felt lost. How did you navigate a new relationship when you were already married?
A brief moment passed, Levi listening to Erwin wake to the world but not looking at him, before Erwin greeted, “Good morning.”
Levi nodded his response, still unable to glance at him. There was something about looking at Erwin that could sometimes make Levi’s senses go quite fucking awry. He could still keep a level head when he needed to, but Erwin softened the edges of Levi’s sharp existence and he couldn’t always think straight when he looked at him, at those blue eyes and warmth in his expression when he gazed at Levi.
There was a pause that settled between them, just momentarily, but it was weighted.
“Is everything okay?” Erwin asked, his voice that lovely, low rumble that could often wreck Levi’s senses in another way. It was just Erwin, in general, who could make Levi lose his mind, and how was he to account for that in their future?
Levi nodded again.
At various points in the night, he and Erwin had been holding each other, but they were quite apart now. There wasn’t that much space between them, their bed wasn’t that big, but there was a crevice, and Levi wasn’t sure he was about to cross it, if he should cross it, if that was the smart thing to do, or even if he could.
“You’re regretting it?” Erwin suggested.
“No,” Levi said, which was the truth. He didn’t regret it. He had been prepared to bottle up his feelings forever if that was what it came to, but he was desperately hoping that this admission made things easier. He refused to regret anything, but he especially would not regret telling Erwin he loved him, even if it had come out during an argument, and he would not regret having Erwin tell him the same in turn.
“Then what is it?” Erwin prompted, gently. He was good at that, at giving Levi the space he needed. Levi loved him so much, it felt like his chest was about to burst. He didn’t want this to sour, but all of Levi’s love soured, and he so feared that this was his destiny when it came to love, that it was inescapable. It would be his fault if this was ruined, not Erwin’s, and he knew it, but that knowledge didn’t seem to be enough to salvage the way his chest felt like it was splitting.
“Don’t you feel different?” Levi asked, slowly turning his head so he could look at Erwin who had been watching him this entire time.
Erwin shrugged with one shoulder. It was distracting that so much of Erwin’s chest was on show, but Levi could be reasonable. They were having a discussion, a serious one, Levi wouldn’t allow himself to be distracted by all that skin despite how tempting it was.
“I don’t feel different,” Erwin said. “Do you?”
“I see you a little differently, I guess.” That was the crux of it, Levi supposed, though he couldn’t be sure if there was more to it, it was too complex for Levi to decipher in its entirety. It was that he now saw Erwin as someone who loved him, and Levi hadn’t had a lot of those people in his life. And didn’t people who loved you have expectations? Levi himself didn’t expect anything from Erwin just because he loved him, but not everyone thought the same way Levi did, and Erwin was already a complicated man to read, so how was Levi to know what he expected from him?
“In a negative way?”
“No, not like that,” Levi assured. “I’m just… I just don’t want things to change. Any further than they already have.”
Erwin pushed himself up, supporting himself with his elbow and looking down at Levi, more serious now than before.
“What more has to change?” Erwin asked.
“Everything changes,” Levi said with a quiet sigh. “I… I don’t know.”
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Erwin encouraged lightly, the blue waters of his eyes warm and inviting, not cold; they had never been cold. “I want to know.”
Levi sighed noisily this time. He hated talking about his feelings, but he knew he had to. These were fragile spaces to navigate and if Levi was closed off, everything would shatter around him, and he so didn’t want this to splinter into unrecognisable, sharp, and unsalvageable pieces.
“I’m tired of losing people,” Levi said eventually. “And if I loved you but you didn’t love me, and should anything ever happen, because it’s almost bound to, how the fuck is that going to feel if we’re both… If you died and I didn’t know you loved me, wouldn’t it be less painful?
“And obviously this is probably for the best, right? Like it’d be fucking stupid if we continued on, secretly pining for each other like the idiots we were, but… Is it more complicated? Shouldn’t it be simpler?”
Erwin breathed in slowly, thinking before he spoke, and Levi watched him. He just wanted Erwin’s reassurance. Maybe Levi was simply daunted by this feeling of love being returned. It happened so rarely, and he had never dealt with romantic love like this before. Perhaps it was that feeling that was causing him apprehension. It was such a new one, after all.
But if anyone could reassure him, it would be Erwin. He was calm and level, he was forever able to think of ways to calm the stormy waters Levi existed within. He really did make Levi’s chest ache with adoration, and he did not want that ache to sour.
“I can’t answer whether it would be more or less painful should one of us die,” Erwin said, speaking each word carefully, and Levi being attentive to every syllable, “but I understand why you feel it’s more complicated. We’re going into this with a strange history that most don’t have, and we have to keep that quiet as well, which makes it even more difficult. But isn’t it also simpler? We no longer live with a fallacy attached to our existence.”
“But it’s bigger than that,” Levi said, although even he wasn’t sure entirely what he meant, what he was feeling. It was hard to put it into words, to solidify what he was feeling, but Erwin deserved Levi’s attempt. “Isn’t it? Because it’s not just that, it’s not what we have to do now… It’s knowing you feel the same.”
Erwin nodded once but his brow was low. “What do you mean?”
Levi rubbed his face and sat up, facing away from Erwin. “When I… didn’t know about your feelings, I didn’t have to act a certain way because I was the only one being… different. Fuck, I don’t know how to explain it-.”
“I think I might understand,” Erwin said, cutting Levi off because Levi was getting frustrated with himself and if he got too frustrated, he would shut off entirely. Erwin, knowing Levi, could sense this, and he was going to salvage it, the way he always did, the way Levi needed him to. “There’s a weight there that wasn’t there before: is that kind of what you mean?”
Levi nodded. That was some of it, Levi supposed. His shoulders were already quite weighed down, and he wasn’t sure he could take much more before he collapsed.
“Okay,” Erwin placated, and he adjusted himself so he was sitting beside Levi, shoulder to shoulder. “Subconsciously, that weight has been there, in some ways, even without knowing my feelings. That’s not only because I have loved you without you knowing it, but that’s also because, when you do love someone, you carry a weight anyway.” He let a beat pass. “Don’t you think?”
“I suppose.”
After a pause, Levi looking down instead of turning to face his husband, Erwin reached a hand out to touch his back, which Levi did warm into, but he still felt complicated. This wasn’t going to be immediately rectified, even if Levi desperately wanted it to be.
Erwin laughed through his nose beside him. He said, “I really thought confessions of love were meant to be joyful, not melancholic.”
Levi tutted. “You’re fucking telling me. If you’d ever told me when I first joined the Corps that I’d end up married to you and feeling stupid about you, I’d have scoffed but I’d have also thought at least I’d be fucking happy.”
“Are you saying you’re not happy?”
Levi looked at Erwin then and sighed. “I’m never happy, Erwin.”
Erwin offered a sad smile. “I would like the chance to make you happy, if you would let me.”
What could Levi say in the face of that, of words that were so intimate and adoring? Levi had rarely had anyone speak to him like that. His mother might have done, but he could remember her so little these days, and his friends had cared for him, but it was more in their actions that they showed their love, seldom in words.
Words like this struck Levi to his core, made him revaluate the entire world and his place in it. He let it sit in silence between them, swallowing thickly before he said, “I guess it wouldn’t fucking hurt.”
Erwin reached up and stroked a hand through Levi’s hair before letting his warm palm rest on his shoulder, cupping his nape and stroking his thumb across his jaw. “I understand it might take time to adjust. If we really think about it, nothing much has changed, but I’m not forcing you into anything.”
“You’re not gonna court me?”
“Do you want me to?” Erwin asked with a smirk.
Levi pulled a face. “Fuck no. That’d be so embarrassing. For you, specifically.”
Erwin laughed and encouraged Levi forward so they could kiss, chastely. Some of the weight had parted from Levi’s chest, maybe not all of it, but Levi could attempt patience. In truth, little had changed, but the weight that Levi was carrying had. He would have to relearn its feel so he could continue to bear it because he didn’t want to give up on it, he refused to lose Erwin because he wasn’t able to carry this weight well enough.
They got up shortly afterwards, and their duties pulled them away from spending this day together. But space was good. They shared a room, ate in the office, took trips to the Interior, and space was healthy, Levi knew that. It was crucial to acknowledge how precious time spent together was given their hellish existence, but that didn’t take away from how important space could be.
It gave Levi the opportunity to think and piece together these feelings, adjusting the weight he now felt on his shoulders and how to fit the rest of the world around it. This was so important to him, so crucial for any modicum of happiness Levi might attempt to have. He would never depend upon happiness because it was so fleeting, but if he could get some, he wanted to keep it, let it grow and not be instantly smothered, like so much of his happiness was.
He did love Erwin. He adored him. It wasn’t right to have your happiness depend upon one person, and Levi would continue to look for happiness in the world, but there was a significant portion of his happiness that was connected to Erwin, because so much of his heart was filled with this one man.
This new lifestyle was going to be bizarre; he wasn’t going to be secretly pining, he could now openly discuss his feelings with Erwin. These discussions might not happen often, but they were available. He could also be freer with his kisses. Whilst they had been kissing rather a lot recently anyway, that was on a false premise, and now he could be less secretive about his wanting to kiss Erwin. In general, life could be more honest, which was going to be strange.
But it was also going to be easier. There were a lot of secrets the Corps kept, and Levi’s existence already held many mysteries because of his origins and how few people knew where he had come from. Having one less secret was going to alleviate some of those pressures. He could be more open with Erwin, which might be freeing, even if it was foreign.
Of course, he still had reservations, Levi existed in a near constant state of waiting for something to happen, for something to go wrong. He wasn’t waiting for this relationship to go wrong, but he was always prepared because that was smart and that was safe.
Overall, though, wouldn’t this make life so much more bearable? There were so few things that were good, and most of that good stuff got taken away. This was one of the reasons that Levi was prepared for whatever might come because this relationship was good and it might get taken away because it was good. But it was also something to appreciate, to hold on to because it was so good and so precious and, for whatever time it did last, Levi wanted to treasure it.
So, when it came to dinnertime, Levi gathered his and Erwin’s tray and made the walk back to the office. He opened the door where Erwin was sitting at his desk with a furrowed brow, put the trays down, came around the desk, and pulled Erwin into a kiss like they had never had before.
They had kissed plenty of times and had plenty of great kisses because Erwin was a great kisser and Levi knew he was one too. But this kiss held a weight, holding all the tensions Levi was giving way to, all the reservations he wanted to let go. This was Levi, without words, telling Erwin he refused to regret this. He wanted this to be beautiful and let it fulfil to whatever possible potential it might have. It was the kind of kiss people dreamt of having, and it made Levi so breathless when they pulled apart, Erwin’s shirt creased and ruffled where Levi had fisted his hands.
There was a pause as Erwin blinked at him before his lips turned into a hesitant smile. “Good evening?”
Levi nodded. He had felt so much adrenaline coming through the door and walking around the desk, even his hands had started to spark. It was cooling now, simmering at the surface, but it had given him what he needed to show Erwin how he felt and how he would continue to feel.
“You all right?” Erwin asked, smile still hesitant but warming, beginning to bloom fully.
“Mhm,” Levi hummed. He inhaled deeply and said, “I know I’m infuriating, but I’m going to try and not be as bad. I say ‘try’ because, well, I can’t promise anything, but I don’t want it to be weird around you.”
“I don’t think you’re infuriating.”
“Well, then you’re a liar.”
Erwin laughed, the sound always making Levi’s stomach flip. It flipped even harder when he was the cause of that laugh because it was such an honour to evoke that mirth from Erwin.
“I’m actually quite fond of you,” Erwin said, softly.
Levi pulled a face even if it was pleasant to hear those words coming from Erwin’s lips. “Don’t say things like that. It’s disgusting.”
Erwin laughed again before he said, “I’m not going to put any pressure on you, and I don’t mind if it takes time for you to… relax into this. It’ll still take me time. We’ve been married longer than we’ve loved each other, it’s a new thing for us both.”
“You’ve been in love before though,” Levi said. “And I’m not saying that because I’m jealous of Marie, though…” He cleared his throat. He wasn’t Marie’s biggest fan; it was only her relationship with Erwin that made Levi dislike her because jealousy could turn him a little green, but she wasn’t an evil person, not really. “You just have more experience.”
Erwin nodded slowly. “I did care for Marie, and you know that, and it would be wrong for me to be dishonest. But that doesn’t mean I have any upper hand because it feels different loving you.”
“But not in a bad way?” Sometimes, Levi felt juvenile when it came to this loving experience. He had cared deeply for people before, but not in this romantic way, and it was different to anything else he had experienced. Loving Erwin as a friend was similar to the way he had loved Isabel and Farlan, and he supposed Hanji if he was being deeply honest though he might never admit such a thing aloud. But loving Erwin as his husband was alien and foreign and something he couldn’t always work his head around. Levi’s life had cheated him out of a lot of experiences, stolen his youth, and maybe this love might gift him just a piece of the adolescence that he had been robbed of. But he still needed Erwin to guide him through it, teach him of the love he had never had the chance to have, answer his juvenile questions to reassure him that they were heading down the correct paths, ones he had never navigated before.
“Definitely not,” Erwin assured, and he reached a hand out to touch Levi’s waist, bringing him a little closer. “We’ll figure this mess out, I promise. And it doesn’t matter if it takes time.”
Levi didn’t want to say that their time was limited, because he didn’t know that for sure, but he also couldn’t be certain they had all the time in the world either. Every time they took a step outside the Walls, they risked their lives, they chanced fate and brought the opportunity of serious injury and death so much closer. Therefore, it was essential to treasure this time they had, and he would try to speed up his process of getting used to this new feeling so they could take advantage of this precious thing they shared.
They kissed for another moment, meant to be short, but they could rarely keep their kisses short, and then they ate their food.
After that, they did what they had done for months now; Erwin went back to writing and scheming, and Levi cleaned. Sometimes he would sew instead, but this was their routine, and it hadn’t changed even with their admission yesterday. Maybe Levi had been panicking for no reason whatsoever. It was unlikely, because whilst the outside hadn’t changed, the inside had, Levi knew more today than he had known yesterday, and that was going to affect them, but maybe it wouldn’t be as drastic as he had first thought.
It did take time to get used to everything, to suddenly be aware that these feelings in his chest were reciprocated, but it wasn’t horrible. Part of it meant he didn’t mind being as obvious any longer, nagging Erwin to come to bed, telling him off when he left a book out of place, chastising him when he came home late from some trip and kissed Levi lying in bed when he still had his shoes on, knowing Erwin wouldn’t think he was actually mad with him and that, despite his flaws, Levi still loved him.
They also weren’t lying to their colleagues any longer, which he had loathed. These people were the ones he saved and protected, and they were also the people who would save him should he ever need it. Lying to them for so long had felt horrendous. As it was no longer a lie, it was freeing, alleviating a fraction of the weight he carried.
It was still a fresh weight, that was true. Although Levi adored Erwin, it was still a weight to carry around this knowledge that Erwin reciprocated his feelings. He wasn’t aware of Erwin having fresh expectations, but Levi knew, if someone loved you, they had expectations, didn’t they? Whether they were quiet expectations or enormous, there were expectations, and Levi didn’t ever want to disappoint him.
There would still be time to get comfortable, change always took time. Erwin was a patient man, and Levi took solace from that, and he acknowledged that things were easier, simpler. Maybe not everything, but enough of it was, and Levi wasn’t trying to fight it, study it, work out the holes. He could just let it be.
The sex was great, perhaps better than ever. The kisses felt deeper, lovelier, and Levi felt more supported and stabler than ever before. He thoroughly hoped Erwin felt the same, that Levi was his support should he need it. Erwin liked to pretend he could get by without support, but Levi knew that couldn’t always be the case. Erwin had a lot going on, too much at times, and Levi wanted to be a stability in all that chaos. He might not be perfect, but he could at least offer himself.
It did take time. Even after weeks had passed, he still found himself stirred by his feelings and by Erwin reciprocating them. It was jarring, often lovely, but new, so very new. In fact, even months later, Erwin would say something, so offhanded and unconsidered in the loveliest of ways, and Levi would stop in his tracks to reacknowledge that Erwin loved him, deeply, and thought about him the way he thought about Erwin, that he held these strong feelings in his chest the same way Levi did. Other times, he found himself thinking things that stirred his chest, or, despite how unnatural it often felt to his instincts, he might voice these feelings he felt about Erwin because they were pulled from how deeply he felt. This was quite rare, but it would jar him every time. For Levi, love was jarring, though it could also be beautiful.
Over the time it took to adjust, Levi learned a little more about love, but it was a mystery, wasn’t it? Wasn’t the point of love that it was difficult and strange and inexplicable? He would never understand all those intricacies, but he understood a little more, Erwin his guide.
Levi decided it wasn’t so bad being in love. It was soppy and strange and it made his chest warm in ways he hadn’t quite experienced before, but it also offered levity and stability, it was a light in the dark that surrounded him. Where he had been so used to the cold, he could now accept a little warmth and the comforts that came with that warmth. It wasn’t always easy, but it was worth those difficulties because love was worth its weight.