Chapter Text
When Kojiro was 13, he had a dream about marrying his best friend. When he told him, he called him an idiot, punched his shoulder, and they laughed it off. If only it was just that dream though. From that day his world changed a little bit. He couldn't stop his eyes from following the other boy. He couldn't stop his heart from pounding when he said his name. He couldn't stop thinking about that dream, that stupid dream where he stood in front of the people that meant the most to them, and promised to love him forever. Maybe somewhere deep down, he took that promise to heart. It was scary, but he learned to live with it, and keep it to himself, because Kaoru said it was stupid.
He did so until they were 17. He told Kaoru he loved him under the lights of the skate park. They sat on top of the ramp, legs dangling as they shared the wine Kaoru stole from his parents.
"Oh, Ko…" Kaoru removed his face from where it was plastered against his shoulder "I'm seeing Adam, you know that."
Truly, Kojiro figured his life was over then and there. Desperately afraid that he wouldn't want to be around him because he wanted more than Kaoru could give, he just froze in place. A panic began to settle in his stomach as he felt the wind on his shoulder. More than anything, he just wanted to keep Kaoru in his life in any capacity he could.
In the midst of his fear, the most impossible thing happened. Kaoru kissed him. It was a simple, chaste thing. An apology, it set Kojiro on fire and broke his heart all at the same time.
"Kaoru, I don't want to lose you." He murmured, trying to will the quiver out of his voice "I'm sorry, I'm drunk, I'm so so sorry. It's just the wine..."
As they say… in vino veritas.
"I won't stop hanging out with you, but I love him. I need you to respect that."
"Of course, it was stupid for me to bring it up and I'm sorry. You're still my best friend," Kojiro was not feeling grown up enough to express the maturity he wanted to handle the situation with, "I'll never interfere, I swear. I can't promise I'll be able to make any speeches at your wedding though." He joked bitterly.
Kaoru chuckled, even half-heartedly, he loved that, making him laugh. Perhaps he could teach himself to be satisfied with that much. If he could make Kaoru happy, maybe he wouldn't need to love him.
In the morning, neither of them made mention of it. He never really knew if Kaoru didn't want to talk about it or if he really didn't remember, but he kept his word. He never interfered with his relationship, even when it ended, painful and messy.
The thing about personal progress is that it is incredibly easy to fake. Being the only person holding that accountability, you can say you feel however you want, and eventually it'll be true. Visualization or something like that. The project he'd been working on since that night in the park, was not being in love with Kaoru. Though he still had a long way to go.
He worked hard to find himself outside of Kaoru. Initially, he thought that moving away from Kaoru would give him the best shot at getting over him. So just two years out of high-school, and out of Okinawa, Kojiro had finished his associates in business. He wanted to be a chef, but the business degree was because he wanted to own a real Italian restaurant, so the next logical step to take was learning how to make real Italian food in Italy.
He'd returned to Okinawa and was getting reacquainted with Kaoru's parent's wine when he told Kaoru about his plan.
"You're going away again? Can't you ever sit still?" Kaoru huffed.
"It's a two year internship alongside culinary classes. It's not like I won't be back Ru."
"It's so fucking boring in Okinawa without you."
"You could always come with me." He regretted saying it immediately. That was completely counterproductive.
"You mean it?" Kaoru looked up at him, eyes shiny and hopeful.
He had time to back out right now if he just gave him a good reason not to go with him, he'd be in the clear, "Of course!" Dear God it was like he couldn't stop.
He would be thrilled to have Kaoru with him though. Even if it was a transparent attempt to annoy his parents. They hadn't liked Kojiro much since Kaoru started to show up with a new hole in his face every time he stayed the night at his house. It couldn't be helped, if Kaoru wanted something, he was going to either give it to him, or help him get it. The hardest thing he ever did was piercing his lip. They were so warm and soft when he touched them, and he tried so hard not to shake while getting the jewelry in. If what Kaoru wanted was to come with him, he'd give that to him.
Kaoru was always everything he couldn't be. It wasn't envy or anything like that. Kojiro liked being all hard lines and strength, but Kaoru was lithe and graceful, soft lines and sharp wit. And God did he admire that. Loved it even. Not him, he reminded himself. It. Respect for their differences.
"--Sir?"
"Huh?" Kojiro suddenly became self aware again as his ears popped a little.
"Seatbelt, idiot." Kaoru elbowed him.
"Er- we're starting our descent." The young flight attendant moved down the aisle further.
Kojiro quickly buckled in, wondering exactly how much time he'd spent staring blankly into the open sky without really seeing anything. He looked over and registered his friend's nails digging into the arm rest. How long had he been doing that? He thoughtlessly held his hand out, palm up to Kaoru, who took it like it was going to keep the plane in the sky. The warmth of Kaoru's palm against his own settled him in reality. The pale fingers looked really good laced through his, but he was trying to comfort Kaoru, that's all. That's all he felt. Happy he could help his friend. Right?
He slipped his other hand into his pocket and dug out a pack of gum. Kaoru wordlessly reached over and took one to try and lessen the pressure in his ears. That was it, that's how he'd get him.
"Yes Kaoru, of course you can have a piece." He whispered in feigned annoyance.
"OH so now we're asking before we take things huh? Like you asked to take my T tool last week?"
"You have like TWELVE Kaoru."
"Maybe that one's my favorite!"
"It is not! Your favorite is the green one that came with the board you got right after you broke your first one."
"Why on earth would you think you know me well enough to be so sure about that? You were gone for two years!"
Kojiro felt his grip loosen, so he kept it up until the plane touched down.
"It's called 'school' Kaoru, and we talked all the time! I've known you since the last time you wet the bed!"
"That's the weirdest way you could have possibly said that-"
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When the seatbelt sign turned off, Kojiro grinned, not breaking eye contact, "Welcome to Italy, Pinky. Regret coming with me yet?"
Kaoru blinked back at him, irritation falling off his face in an instant. He let go of Kojiro's hand. It felt weird, like the spaces between his fingers were bigger than they were before despite the small size of Kaoru's fingers. There were little crescent shaped indents from his nails in the back of his hand. He idly wished they wouldn't fade. Just holding the man's damn hand had such a stupidly addictive quality. He berated himself mentally for spending too much time on the thought and began to shuffle off the plane behind him. Another passenger, just ahead of them, struggling with an overstuffed carry-on, abruptly brought the line to a standstill.
His body collided with Kaoru's, throwing them both off balance. He used one arm to catch Kaoru around the waist and one to lift them before they fell in the aisle. Kaoru was strong, all lean muscle, he could feel it under his shirt.
"G-get off me, clumsy gorilla."
Kojiro carefully schooled his expression as he did the opposite of what he would have liked to do, and let go. He trusted his face not to give him away after years of practice, but he was sure everyone around them could hear his heartbeat. He could always tell his mind that his heart wasn't in it, tell himself those were old feelings. Ones he didn't have anymore, because they would only serve to hurt him. Of course Kojiro knew the truth, but it'd be a cold day in hell if he ever admitted it out loud.
His body, however, was still going to react the same way it seemed.