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what do you do when you really start to reconsider who you love the most?
do you internally scold yourself for even daring to think those things?
or do you think about it, long and hard, deeply considering it for what feels like hours but is really only a few minutes?
what was he meant to do?
choose his childhood best friend, who he'd loved for so long, who had always been right next to him, so close yet so painfully far away. the same man that made sangwoo's heart ache with both love and grief, knowing he didn't deserve someone like gihun, that he could never even come close to having him.
or maybe… ali. oh, sweet, kind, thoughtful ali. how could someone as wonderful as you be in such a horrid, disgusting place? he made sangwoo feel the way he felt for gihun (but it's never enough for you is it?) but there was always a part missing, the part that made gihun who he was to sangwoo. there could never be someone like him. but ali came close. and he was closer than gihun was to sangwoo, just within his grasp, something that he could actually have. what a wonderful feeling that is.
but like any addiction, you need it. not just every so often, every once in a dozen lifetimes, but constant.
how unfortunate it is to find that in such a game as this one.
so comes the moment when he has to decide. who do you care about the most? which knife will you take to the heart? the rusty, jagged knife, riddled with pain and sorrow and all those years of wanting so badly to say something, anything to him, to gihun? the one that will take away what you've loved for so long, that will take away that smile, that voice and the whole person, the soul, you cherished so dearly?
or the smooth, pristine knife, the one covered in a soft love, but with the knowledge that he'll be gone as fast as he came, that will be in and out of your poor heart. he'll be gone so fast, you wouldn't even notice it. it's like a pinch. just don't look at it, right? it's hard to ignore it though. he's right there yet even with how much more close ali was, sangwoo could barely brush his fingers against him. still better than him being completely out of reach, right?
so he puts those two halves of his heart, his whole being, what he loves most, onto the scale. which one would hurt to most? which one do you want to chase after, always a spot behind of?
the scale tilts
it's decided
sangwoo asks ali if he wants to partner up
they go into the game
marbles
2 go in, 1 comes out
oh, my dear, my love my life, how tragic it's going to be to do this to you