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At the end of the day, Dean didn’t love him back.
Not like that, is what Dean said, and no matter how many times Cas has told himself that reciprocation is not important, that loving Dean is in just the mere act of loving and not in being loved back, it still stings.
The kind letdown from Dean came a week after Cas came back from the empty, freshly human but very much alive in the bunker dungeon. A week of avoidance, of puttering around, and then this. Cas can’t help but laugh.
“I think it would benefit us both to be away from each other for a while.” Dean says, and Cas wants to scream No, please, just let me be with you, even if it’s not like that, even if, even if, even if.
Instead he says. “I can collect my things and leave tomorrow morning.”
“No, no, no.” Dean starts. “This is your home. Me and Sam actually talked about parting ways for a while. I’m gonna go on the road for a bit. Clear my head and all.”
“Oh.” Cas says. Dean leaves two days later, and that was it for that.
*****
It’s a few weeks later when Cas passes by Sam’s room and gets curious.
The door is slightly ajar and Sam is sitting on the floor, his back against the side of his bed. Cas finds himself stopping in front of the door and looking inside as Sam brings the beer he is holding up to his lips. He looks dejected.
“I know you’re standing outside my door, you know.” Sam says loudly enough for Cas to hear, and Cas feels his face flush with embarrassment. He can’t help but feel the pink in his cheeks now, human that he is.
Castiel peers deeper into the door, moves it open. “Sorry,” he begins. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. You seem to be deep in thought.”
Sam snorts at that. “Yeah.” Sam is looking up at Cas now, and even without Sam’s soul to watch, Cas is stricken by how obviously lonely he seems. “You wanna come in?”
Cas steps in. Sam’s room, for Cas, tethers that line between familiar and unfamiliar. Familiar, in that it looks like any other room in the bunker and that he has been here before, but unfamiliar, in that he has never really been here before with Sam. He remembers this room from a time long gone, of being sick from a spell Rowena gave him. Thinking of Rowena still fills him with guilt, even though she is obviously doing fine in hell.
Cas sits gingerly on the floor in front of Sam. He has no idea what to say.
The reality of the situation is this: Sam and Cas hadn’t been talking a lot recently, at least not in the ways that matter.
The two of them have found a routine. Wake up, entertain calls from hunters, organize the many rooms of artifacts stored by the men of letters in the bunker, meet up for meals occasionally, and go about their respective days. A few days ago, a hunter stopped by for the night to get some ingredients for a spell and get a crash course from Sam about how to do basic witchcraft. Cas found this fascinating, and wondered if it would be a regular occurence.
“How are you, Sam?” Cas settles into asking, and he wants to know, really.
“I was supposed to go out and see Eileen today.” Sam says, and Cas tries very hard not to press too insistently. He lets Sam go about at his own pace.
Sam fiddles with the label of his bottle, and finally looks up. “She called us off.” Sam says, finally. “She said there’s too much that happened already, and she needs time away from… all of it.”
Cas considers this. “Will she be back?” he asks, and the way Sam immediately breaks into a sarcastic laugh tells him that it was a stupid question to ask.
“No, Cas, I don’t think she will be back.”
They were silent after that. Cas watches on as Sam takes occasional sips of his beer. He wonders if he is dismissed now, if he is overstaying his welcome.
“Actually, I’m kind of happy that she did. Call it off, I mean.” Sam states, as if he actually believes it. Cas doubts that.
“Just kind of?” He asks.
Sam smiles. “Yeah. Just kind of. I guess that’s why I’m sitting here on the floor with a beer.”
They sit in silence for a while until the most unexpected thing happens right in front of Cas. Sam starts crying . He buries his face into his right hand that is currently propped up his bent leg, and if not for the short sniffles that give him away, Cas wouldn’t know that something is wrong. Cas feels frozen in his place.
Cas doesn’t think he has ever seen Sam cry before. It’s sobering to see. Cas places, what he hopes, is a comforting hand on Sam’s left leg.
“I’m sorry.” Sam says, after he has gathered himself. Cas wants to say No, don’t be. but he opts to not interrupt. “It’s just, I thought after everything, I’ll be fine somehow. That I’ll have a life to live. I thought I could get out now. Not of the life, but of my life.”
Cas squeezes Sam’ leg and continues on listening. “But now, Dean is gone and I’m not just his kid brother now. And that’s great, really, I was the one who asked it of him. It’s just. I guess I’m just getting used to it.” Sam blurts this out all at once, and Cas can’t help but think of how little he has seen Sam be this unsure of what to say. “Jack’s just. Disappeared. Into the heavens or something.”
This particular revelation still stings to hear about, even after weeks of knowing that Jack has become God. It is difficult to accept, but many thing are. Cas finds that he misses his son dearly.
Cas proceeds with the conversation. “And Eileen?” He asks.
“And Eileen… I understand why . I just thought, after it all, we can try.” Sam says, dejectedly. “You know one time I asked Dean if he ever thinks he can have a life with someone who gets it. Gets the life. I thought Eileen was that for me, I guess not.” Sam takes a deep sigh. “I guess at the end of the day, there’s just me. And there’s not really much of me.”
“That’s not true.” Cas says quickly enough, and Sam hums to himself, but doesn’t press. Cas was hoping he would. He has much to say about Sam’s character.
Instead, Sam asks, “Why are you here, Cas?”
Cas knows what Sam is asking, but he finds out that he wants to stall. “Well, you did invite me in.”
“You know what I’m asking.” Sam says. “I thought you were gonna go with Dean.”
“Would you rather I have?” Cas says, and he knows he’s pushing back hard, but he doesn’t know how much Sam knows, and he doesn’t know if he wants Sam to know.
Sam levels his eyes at Cas’. “Jack told me.” He says. “About the deal. I know that the empty will come for you in a moment of true happiness. Dean wouldn’t tell me what that moment was, but I know how to assume.” Sam pauses here, and Cas knows now that Sam knows, probably has known for a while. It makes him feel sick, how obvious he has been. He wonders if Dean has known as well, before Cas told him in that room. Maybe Dean was just too polite to bring it up.
“I just thought you would come with him.” Sam ends.
Cas wonders if he should expose himself now. He figures, this is Sam. He is my friend.
“He doesn’t feel that way about me.” Cas says, and he has no idea if saying it out loud makes him feel better or worse. It makes him feel something, that’s for sure. It makes him feel like his throat is closing up.
Sam takes a small pause, then scoots over to Cas, his leg crossed. He places his hand over Cas’, and Cas is surprised by this tender, unnecessary touch. He finds it comforting.
“I’m sorry, Cas.” Sam says, sincerely.
“It’s fine.” Cas smiles. “Besides, I like being here with you.”
*****
Something shifts after that, as it almost always does when one exposes their cards to someone else. Their routines remain the same, but they orbit closer to each other, somehow. Cas finds that he is more aware of Sam now, of his movement throughout the bunker, what time he goes out to jog, when he putters around in the library, looking for something that he hasn't read before. He’s lonely , Cas concludes, and I’m lonely too. We should look out for each other.
*****
A few weeks later, Sam found them a case in Oklahoma that no other hunter was available to take. It was a nest of vampires abducting children, which ended in Sam and Cas battling out multiple vampires in an old barn. Everything ended up okay, but Sam got a huge gash on his arm after slicing it open from a piece of rebar.
“You should be more careful.” Cas says softly, as he tends to the wide wound on Sam’s arm. You’re all I have , he wants to add, but stops himself. If there was one thing he learned from Dean, it’s that this kind of earnestness is not acceptable between men, not when you’re this close, not when you’re sharing breathing air with said man.
Except this is Sam, not Dean, and Cas is allowed things with Sam he is not allowed otherwise.
“You’re all I have.” Cas says.
The silence afterwards is truly exceptional, and it makes Cas want to take back what he said. He doesn’t, though, and just sits in his discomfort.
Finally, Sam speaks up. “You hate hunting, don’t you?”
“I don’t hate it.” Cas says defensively. “I like some aspects of it. Saving people. Research. Putting all the knowledge I’ve accumulated in my life to good use.”
“But?” Sam presses.
“But I’ve been a warrior my whole life. And it gets… old. After a while.”
Sam hums. “We don’t have to go hunting if you don’t like it. There are many, younger hunters we can help and teach. And there’s still much to do in the bunker. You can get a job if you like.” Sam pauses. “I was raised a warrior too. I get it.”
Cas mumbles a thank you, and finishes up the stitching on Sam’s arm. “You’re done.” He says, and Sam stands up.
Being human now and spending so much time with Sam means he has been very much aware of Sam’s body for the past few months. For some reason though, perhaps proximity, Cas feels Sam’s presence right now more acutely than ever before.
Sam crowds him up against the sink, and Cas wonders if Sam is going to kiss him. He finds himself shocked at this wondering, and then tells himself that this is a very normal reaction. Sam is a very attractive man who is standing inches away from Castiel. Cas is allowed to feel clammy and tachycardic around him, when he is leaning in… his face closer and closer…
“Thank you, Cas.” Sam says, against Cas’ ear. “And for what it’s worth, you’re all I have, too.”
*****
Attraction is a very weird thing.
Cas tosses it to being human again. He has urges now that were present when he was an angel but insistent in humanity. He remembers what it was like to be human the first time around, and then immediately shuts down that train of thought. That period of his existence is still a very touchy subject, even until now.
He’s lonely, he figures, and newly human, and Sam is the only other constant being around. It’s fine. Nothing will come of it. But it’s enjoyable to think about sometimes.
Except something does come out of it, in the middle of watching an episode of The Wire in Sam’s room. They’re sitting shoulder to shoulder, close enough for Cas to feel Sam’s breathing. This has been a particular hobby of theirs; watching television shows together in Sam’s room. This time is different, though. It just feels different.
Cas has found himself staring at Sam’s face instead of the screen. The contours of Sam’s nose are sharp, and Cas finds them endearing. Sam has grown a well-groomed beard as well, and it really suits him.
Sam finally relents to Cas’ staring, and turns towards him. “What?” Sam says, and Cas just keeps on looking. Sam looks right back at him, beyond the range of time that is appropriate, beyond what is conventionally allowed.
Cas doesn’t know who kisses who first. It’s a warm kiss, tasting of buttered popcorn, mostly, with a hint of something else. Something Sam. Sam moves the empty bowl onto the side of the bed and guides Cas into his lap. When Sam’s hands crawl their way under Cas’ shirt, Cas finds that they are larger and warmer than he has ever imagined.
*****
“What are you thinking about?” Sam asks, as he runs his hand over the hair on Cas’ chest. It is such an intimate act, these light caresses to his bare skin, that Cas feels like he might cry from it. Instead, he ventures into answering Sam’s question honestly.
“I'm wondering how he is.” Cas says, and Sam’s hand stops dead in its tracks. “I understand if you have been choosing not to tell me, but has he been calling you?”
Sam takes his hand away and lies on his back, eyes towards the ceiling. “No. He hasn’t been calling.”
“Sorry.” Cas says.
“For what?” Sam asks with amusement.
“For asking about him after we’ve had intercourse. It’s now occurring to me that it’s extremely rude.”
Sam laughs at that.
*****
Cas almost forgets that he is supposed to be lonely in the months following the beginning of his and Sam’s… whatever it is. It’s fascinating, what sex can do for one’s mood. It’s fun, for one, to give and receive pleasure in such a tactile manner.
It’s not just that, though, Cas concludes. It’s that Sam is obviously happier too. He’s buoyant in his feet, he stands up straight, he eats more. It makes Cas so happy to see Sam look lively like this, knowing that he has caused it in some way or another.
*****
“We should move in together.” Sam asks as he dives down and catches Cas’ mouth in his one particularly tender morning. He says it with conviction; no ounce of pretending that he means it casually, that he has been thinking about it less than a lot.
“Into your room, or mine?” Cas says as he flips Sam to his back. Even as a human, Cas’ strength is still exceptional. He doesn’t bend down to kiss Sam again, though. He figures this conversation should be made with a clear head. He settles his hand over Sam’s chest, over his beating heart.
“I never really liked my room.” Sam admits. “Just never felt like… Well, I really wouldn’t know what home feels like, huh?”
Cas considers entertaining Sam’s train of thought. He chooses to ignore it,“I don’t have any preference for my room either. Maybe we should move into a new one. Something that could be our room. Together.” Cas ponders out loud.
“Alright.” Sam says, and Cas beams before going in for another kiss.
*****
They move in together the very next day. It was a quick affair, with the only big thing that needed to be moved being the TV from Sam’s room. Perhaps it should be a bigger thing than it is, Cas considers. Perhaps it’s a good thing, though, that it feels so natural, so easy. He thinks back to Dean, of how loving him felt like penitence. It surprises him to remember that this is the first time in weeks that he’s thought about Dean at all.
*****
“I love you.” Sam says one night, on the crook of Cas’ neck. He could have said it quietly, soft enough for plausible deniability, but he didn’t. He said it with conviction, the way he says most things with Cas. Cas wishes he could share Sam’s certainty.
Instead, he pretends to be asleep.
*****
Cas goes up to the woods near the bunker. If Sam goes out to the park to jog, Cas goes here to think. It is a nice, sunny place. Cas has a small clearing in the area where he grows some herbs for Sam’s spells, and some food too. It is quite a nice hobby.
I love you, Sam has said, and Cas doesn’t need to ask what kind of love. He knows, from the way Sam’s eyes crinkle when he gazes over at Cas, to the way he shivers underneath Cas when Cas sucks right on his jugular. It’s so obvious what kind of love he is talking about. That is not what Cas came here to think about.
No, he is here to wonder if he loves Sam back.
*****
“I love you too.” Cas says over dinner, cooly. He can’t help but think of the last time he has said the first three of those four words, of that fateful day of his confession. He remembers feeling so much happiness at the time, at the thought of one last sacrifice, one last success, one last moment of usefulness…
It feels like such a long time ago now.
“No.” Sam says as he fiddles with his spaghetti. “No you don’t.” He’s smirking. A bitter one. Cas doesn’t know what is going on.
“Excuse me?” Cas says, and watches on as Sam puts down his fork.
Sam looks up at Cas then, and for the first time in so long, Cas sees nothing but a solemn hurt in his eyes. “No. You don’t.”
Cas settles for the non-combative stance, but he keeps his eyes and voice steady. “I don’t think that’s for you to decide.”
Sam snorts. “Oh yeah? And how long have you loved me, huh? Since five minutes ago?” He almost says that last sentence in a sing-song manner. Cas has never seen Sam this agitated.
“Would it matter if I did love you starting five minutes ago?” Cas asks.
“Yes!” Sam says almost instantaneously. “Because you loved Dean for years! And he let you down easy, and now you’re with me out of pity, or for rebound, or because you’re lonely.”
“Sam,” Cas starts, but Sam interjects him.
“And I was there all those years.” Sam says. He’s slowing down now, like a train losing steam. “I was there. And you never even looked at me. Not once. Not like you look at him. I’m your consolation prize and I’ve accepted that. But I won’t let you pretend that I'm the jackpot.”
Sam stands up and leaves the kitchen. Cas places the leftover pasta sauce in a tupperware, and heads into his and Sam’s room to find it empty.
******
It’s two in the morning when Sam knocks in the door.
Cas hasn’t slept. Instead, he has found himself dejectedly lying down in bed. He thinks about love, then, the kind with a capital L.
What Sam didn’t ask about is this:
Cas has loved Dean.
Cas has loved Dean for many years.
Cas has loved Dean for many years, and even with his rejection, Cas has never found a good enough reason to move on, until he kissed Sam for the first time.
Cas has loved Dean for many years, and he will love him for many more, but love changes and evolves. Cas can’t help but repeat what Dean told him the last time they spoke. Not like that. It’s not like that anymore.
Cas loves Sam
The knock on the door gets Cas out of his thoughts. He stands up and heads towards the door. He finds Sam on the other side, looking full of regret.
“I’m sorry, Cas.” He says, and Cas notices how small he is making himself now, his slouch so heavy Cas can reach Sam’s forehead with his lips.
Which he does. Cas plants kisses on Sam’s face. One on his forehead, one on his cheek, one on the curve of his jaw.
“I love you.” He whispers into Sam’s mouth. “I love you Sam. Please believe me.”
This time, Sam nods.
*****
The call comes fourteen months later.
“Donna’s getting married next month” Sam announces, sweaty from his daily run. “We can head down to Minnesota, spend the night. We can make a two-day trip out of it.”
“You want me to come along?” Cas asks, confused. “I’ve never even met Donna.”
“Well, in weddings, there is this thing called plus ones. It’s when you bring a significant other to accompany you to the event.” Sam says as he grabs a water bottle from the fridge.
“Of course. I am your significant other, after all.” Cas says proudly, and exaggeratedly leans away and laughs when Sam tries to kiss him.
*****
Cas is not stupid. He knows Dean is going to be there. He knows that Sam knows Dean is going to be there. He figures if Sam doesn’t bring it up prior, then there is no reason to bring it up himself. And so Dean’s presence remained an unspoken happening between the two of them.
It is Sam who notices Dean first. He tells Cas this, and tells Cas to wait at their table so he can talk to Dean. Cas watches as Sam makes his way towards Dean. He looks away after they hug, though, to give them and their conversation privacy. He’s sure he’ll have his time with Dean later.
And sure enough, the time comes. It’s when Cas is making his way out of the rest room that Dean surprises him.
“Hey.” Dean smiles, and Cas smiles back.
“Hello Dean. How are you?”
“Good, good. Got a house by the lake and everything. Been fishing a lot.” He says, and it shows. Dean has a tan now, and he has put on a few pounds. He is beautiful. “How about you, man? You’re here with Sam, huh?”
Cas has no idea what Sam told Dean, if Sam told Dean. He ponders for a second about telling Dean what is going on between him and Sam, but quickly realizes that this specific conversation is perhaps for Dean to have with Sam alone. He settles then, for a very simple Yes. I’m with him.
*****
The walk back to the car was extremely quiet, and Cas hates to think why, because he knows why, is the thing. He knows that seeing Dean, hearing from Dean, after so long of radio silence, is bound to bring up something, fracture this good thing they had going for more than a year now. He resents Dean for this, he discovers, resents him for showing up and throwing a rock that won’t hit bottom in their direction. He finds this resentment surprising.
When Cas takes his place in the driver’s seat, he hesitates from opening up the engine. He takes a deep sigh, and looks at Sam instead. Cas figures, What the hell. Let’s talk.
“Sam. What is it?” Cas tries to sound comforting, tries to sound like he isn’t terrified.
Sam continues on brooding, and for a second, Cas thinks this conversation is never going to start.
“Do you still think about him?” Sam says, rushed, like if he doesn’t get it out quickly enough, he would lose his nerve. “It’s okay. Whatever your answer is, it’s okay.”
Cas considers the question. Does he still think about Dean? He finds it an easy question to answer. He is again surprised by this ease.
“I only think about him,” Cas says, slowly, like he means every word. Because he means every word. “When I’m afraid that you still think I do.”
Silence. Sam is looking at him, keeps on looking at him, and Cas hopes Sam finds what he is looking for.
Maybe he does, with the way his face transforms. “You mean that?” Sam asks, but with a little smile this time. Sam must know, then, that Cas means it.
Cas goes to reach out for Sam’s hand. He considers making a grand speech right now, but this moment feels too fragile for so many words. He settles for something simple. “I love you, Sam.” He says, and he knows he has said it before, but this time it is different. This I love you is more important than all the I love you’s of his past. “I love, and for once it doesn’t feel like it’s going to kill me.”
Sam, who looks like he’s about to cry, turns his hand to interlace his fingers with Cas’, and Cas knows there is much to talk about, to heal from, to grow into. But the thing is, they are talking and growing and healing, and they have the rest of their lives to do just that.
Right now though, they are just Sam and Cas, holding hands in the car, and Cas finds that he is content here. Cas looks at Sam, and finds that he loves, and is loved back. Cas finds that he is happy.
Cas goes on to drive into the night. He doesn’t let go of Sam’s hand.