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“Good morning, Xavier.” You greet, as you approach him in the hall.
“Good morning.” Charles returns, stopping to talk to you.
You practically press against the wall. The distance you keep and the lengths you’ll go to not touch him bother Charles at times. It feels a little awkward having someone recoil away from you as if you carry infection. But he knows it’s not a personal aversion to him, you do the same to everyone. And as if the physical distance isn’t enough, for the most part you refuse to open up. Still, like every mutant who comes here for refuge, he will provide support and guidance. Of course this task would probably be easier if he at least knew what your mutation was.
"Would you like to meditate with me after lunch?" Charles offers, since all he can do is help manage your stress. A positive emotional state often results in better control of one's abilities.
"I would love to."
Charles really wishes he could do more. But to do that he'd actually have to know more. Normally someone like him has no trouble gathering information from a person if he wants, but you are different.
It started a few months back, when you first met.
~
Charles had just visited the worried parents of a student and stopped for a snack. As he was opening the bag of chips, he saw a woman take quick strides towards him.
"Charles Xavier?" It sounded like a question but she clearly recognized him.
Charles searched his own memory for recognition of her but came up with nothing.
"Yes. Do I know you?"
"Not at all. We've never met."
Charles became a little suspicious so decided to dig a little, just to see how she knew him. But again he came up with nothing. It doesn't feel like he's being kept out, at least then that meant he sensed something , but he got nothing. Instead it's like trying to read Erik through that helmet, only she isn't wearing anything on her head.
"Then what can I do for you?" Charles kept composed despite the surprise.
"You're- I'm a-" She began to fumble over her words and look away.
The assertiveness that initially came across, crumbled into the image of a woman who didn't think through what to say. This was more of an impulse than an attempt to corner him, even without reading her thoughts, Charles could see that.
"Can I tell you somewhere less crowded?" You finally said, eyes still shooting around at the passing people.
It's then he got it. You must be a mutant. Perhaps you heard of him through a student. But it is strange that you so easily recognized his appearance, he doubts any of his students are carrying around a photograph of him to show off.
"Sure. The park nearby looked quiet."
You nodded and followed him down the street. It was the middle of the day on a Tuesday so there was no one around in the small park, though it's likely to become flooded once the school day ends. Now without anyone to overhear, you attempted to answer his question again.
"I'm… different. And so are you. And you help others so I hoped you would help me with my issue too, that is, if you think you have the space for someone like me."
"Different as in a mutant. And you want help controlling your mutation?" Charles affirmed, without reading your mind he needs to verbally confirm.
"If at all possible."
"So then what, um… makes you different?"
"It's nothing harmful in the least, so you wouldn't have to worry about me being a danger to others." You wave away the notion.
"That wasn't really what I was trying to get at." Charles sighed. He could see you were avoiding the question and was really wishing he could read your thoughts. And maybe it's the curiosity brought by not being able to read you that motivated his answer despite knowing nothing about this woman. "I am about to return to the school now. Would you like to come with me or another day on your own?"
"Today! Please! Oh but I need to get my things and tell the landlord I'm leaving." You bit your thumb, looking down as you tried to come up with a solution. "Would you wait for me?" You asked, peeking up at Charles through your lashes and sounding pitiful. "I just need a few things and then I can come back another day to collect the rest."
"Is there really a rush?" Charles chuckled a little, unable to resist. You were just so flustered.
"No, but… I don't want to give you time to change your mind."
And there it was. It's something Charles has seen more of the longer he's known you, but this was the first time you showed it. You believe you will be discarded.
Charles decided to be accommodating.
"I don't mind sticking around for you to get your things."
"Yes? Okay. I'll hurry. Please wait here."
You took off after that. Charles finished his bag of chips and went back to the shop for a bottle of water before returning to the park. He was almost finished with the bottle when you returned.
"You're still here." You panted, clutching a backpack. You must have been in quite the hurry.
"I said I would wait."
"Thank you."
"Ready to go...?" Charles paused a moment, realizing something. He was so quick to accept your request, his curiosity getting the better of him, that he never asked your name. "I'm sorry, I didn’t get your name."
"Oh! Sorry, I saw you and got caught up." You quickly introduced yourself.
"Nice to meet you." Charles offered his hand but you flinched away. You didn't explain why and he didn't ask.
~
You still flinch away if he gets too close and you still refuse to even hint at your mutant ability. Though if he assumes the two are associated, then your ability has something to do with physical contact. But then that’s not for certain.
The two of you take up spots on a soft rug, getting ready to meditate. This has been a shared activity since your arrival, but it's hard to tell if any progress has been made.
"Have you gotten any better since we started?" Charles asks you.
"Hm? Has what gotten better?" You tilt your head as you look at him.
"Control of your mutation. Have you made any progress?"
"Ah. That's right. That's why we do this." You smile, but there is a bitterness to it. "I avoid using it as much as I can, so it's hard to tell, but I don't think so."
Charles purses his lips. He's avoided pushing at all but maybe it's about time he tests you a little. After all, he can't just enter your mind to find out.
"Is it related at all to why you don't want to touch anyone? Is it physically activated?"
You wince at his question. You look down at your lap, chewing your bottom lip.
"Yes." You finally answer. "But it's not harmful!" You are quick to add. "It takes physical contact but it won't physically do anything."
"So then what happens?" Charles asks, pushing just a little more.
"Nn… Nothing harmful." You shut down, closing off as usual.
Charles wishes you would open up. To anyone would be a great feat, but personally he wishes you would open up to him. He wants to know more about you and hungrily absorbs anything you give him. Honestly, he's feeling a bit pathetic. And certainly at first his eagerness was just out of curiosity, not having met anyone naturally immune to his telepathy. But now his interest has shifted. It's not so much an interest in your mutation, but an interest in you. But you keep such a distance that he can't imagine he has any chance of reaching you the way he wants, all previous attempts failing or perhaps just going unnoticed.
"Alright. We can talk about it later." He says later, but who knows how far away that is, it's taken you so long just to reveal this much.
As Charles wanders the campus, looking over the students who are bustling about after the end of today's classes, he spots you. You sit on the grass just beside the path leading out to the field. Your guard is down and it takes all of his control for Charles not to touch you, though he so desperately wants to. It's not any vulgar impulse, a tap on your shoulder or arm with his fingertips would suffice. With the way you avoid everyone, he has never touched you in any way, so even a casual tap on the arm would satisfy him. But you've established an avoidance to contact and he will continue to respect that.
Charles shakes away the distracting thoughts of his opportunity to touch you and follows your gaze. You are watching the younger students as they play. He recalls that soon after your arrival, you offered your services as a teacher, but were firmly against having such young students, instead preferring the teenagers. He thought you disliked children but the fond smile you wear now says otherwise.
"Good evening." Charles greets as he joins you.
You jolt away in surprise and scoot over to provide apt space between you. Though he has noticed that you don't put as much space between you as before.
"Good evening." You return, bringing your knees up to hug your legs as you return your gaze forward.
"I thought you didn't like children." Charles states, watching them play as well. "You were so adamant against teaching them and I've never seen you near any."
"I love children. But they're so erratic it's hard to avoid bumping or touching them in some way."
Ah, that makes sense. Children are much less conscious of their surroundings and would likely often forget the space they are supposed to keep from you.
"Well, I say I love them but…" You frown and lower your head. "I haven't played with a kid in years. Maybe I just like the idea of children. They're so carefree it's admirable." You lower your voice and mutter the next. "It actually might be safe to touch them but it's hard to know."
Charles now realizes something he hadn't thought about. You avoid touching others but it is out of need and not want. Since you've only recently expressed it has to do with your ability, he didn't make the connection. And now even more than ever does he want to touch you. More than just tap your arm, he wants to wrap you in an embrace, because how long has it been since you have been hugged? When did you last allow yourself that simple show of affection that can be shared with friends? Charles almost wants to call one of the students over and ask them to hug you, because for some reason you believe a child would be acceptable for your mutation's conditions.
"I think you actually like them." Charles states. "You keep your distance but you volunteer your help to others when you can and you can hold a conversation on any subject. You have the patience and kindness, I could easily imagine you entertaining children."
"Thank you." You look down, grinning shyly to yourself. "Maybe one day I can muster myself up enough to try."
Charles' heart skips a beat. While it doesn't take much to make you look uneasy- just stand too close- you smile and laugh often. What Charles hasn't seen before is that crooked grin. If it only takes a compliment to see this flustered smile he will be sure to find every opportunity to do so.
"I should probably get inside. The kids will be hungry soon." You mutter.
One of the things you volunteered yourself for is to help prepare dinner for students. One of the many acts of kindness Charles loves about you.
As you stand, you step on a rock, the small object throwing off your balance enough to stumble.
"Careful!" Charles shouts as he instinctively reaches out, catching your hand and yanking you to him.
It is good his body acted on its own because Charles' mind is instantly occupied when his hand touches yours. Memories of being a child in a woman's embrace appear. The woman's thoughts are somehow heard, equal parts love and affection and fear of her daughter.
Then your hand is free from his and the image is gone.
"Thanks for catching me." You quickly say before running off.
Charles is left behind confused. That was a memory, wasn't it? Your memory. He was able to read your mind for a moment, but why? Because he held your hand? But it was only for the time you were actually touching. Is that your mutation? You pass your memories to others with contact? Or was that his own finally taking effect? The memory itself brings up many questions. You knew your mother's thoughts. She loved you but knew of your mutation and was afraid of what she didn't understand. Which means your mutation allows you to read thoughts. So growing up you knew of your mother's conflicting feelings. You know she loved you, but it must have hurt to know she was also afraid of you.
-
I want to touch her, even just tap her arm.
Such a lovely smile.
I'm so glad she's been letting me closer than usual.
She must not have been hugged in quite some time. I want to. Maybe I can ask one of the children to since she said it could be safe.
I should compliment her more often if I get rewarded with that adorable flustered look again.
One of the many things I love about her.
You sit in your room and clutch the hand Charles held as his thoughts circle your mind. You can't help repeating them over and over as you try to understand them. You misheard something.
Somehow misheard thoughts that were directly sent to you… You can't even try to convince yourself of that.
Okay so then maybe you are misinterpreting it. Those thoughts can be platonic. But the affection behind them felt so warm. Maybe he has feelings for you? No, it must be platonic. You're reading too much into them because you want to.
But you hate to admit that it's not likely you will soon forget his thoughts. You'll probably play them over in your mind every night as you fantasize that he loves you too. Because even so, there is no way you can have him. By some miracle you are safe from his telepathy and he doesn't know about your feelings. Even if he returned them, you couldn't be near him like you want. Nobody wants you digging in their head, even if you can't control it. What you can control is not touching them in the first place. Charles can read minds but it's not as if he goes digging for everyone's deepest secrets on a regular basis. He would be appalled that you would dig around for his. It's not something you can control but would happen nonetheless. So you can't touch him. But you will remember his thoughts and how warm his hand was.
-
You've been avoiding Charles for the past few days since you touched. You must know what he saw. Maybe you're upset he would pry the information from you. He didn't mean to… sort of.
Charles is almost constantly trying to read your mind, he has been since you met. He kept trying to see if maybe there was a weakness in the defense when you first started staying here, some puzzle he needed to solve. He would try and prod but detect nothing, just generally use his power in your area in hopes of picking up something. He started to do it so often that it became automatic, even when he was no longer so intent on the game. So when you touched and your mind opened up to read him, he dug into your mind. It's like leaning against a door when someone on the other side opens it, causing you to fall in.
Or maybe you aren't upset that he pried. Maybe you don't even realize he did. Maybe it's what you found. He cannot know what it is you found in his mind. Is there something worth worrying about? Of course there is. Maybe it's the weeks of thinking of reading your mind as some game, and then continued use of his telepathy to try and prod. You already worry about being discarded, being toyed with isn't any better.
And now the sinking worry that you will leave hits him.
Charles quickly sweeps one of your students minds to make sure you taught today. Since he can't detect your mind then he wouldn't even know if you are still in the mansion without actually seeing you. He verifies you are here and makes his way to your room, a student just saw you go in.
Charles forgets his manners and just opens the door. You startle, dropping the bag you held.
"Are you going somewhere?" Despite the way he rushed over and burst open the door in a rush, his voice came out relatively calm.
You avoid eye contact, picking the bag up again.
"Yes." You reply softly. "The kids are on break next week." You shrug, returning to storing clothes in the bag.
Charles swallows, afraid to press further.
"Are you coming back?"
You pause your packing for a moment.
"I'm not sure." You say just loud enough for him to hear.
So it's true. He's driven you away.
Charles is quiet as he stays in place, unable to pull himself from the doorway. You continue your packing for another minute before finishing up. You sling your bag over your shoulder and turn. His gaze meets yours. Your eyes are sad. Despite that, you seem to be searching his face for something. Are you waiting for an apology? He really should apologize.
"Are you okay?" You ask before he can speak.
Charles is taken back by your question. Your expression has shifted from sadness to worry.
"I'll miss you." Charles pulls his lips into a bitter smile.
"Don't worry. The students will have to disperse into other classes but you have good teachers, they'll do well."
"What? I'm not worried about that." His mind isn't in the place to have even worried about that right now.
"Then is it something else? I'm not in any hurry to leave." You sit on the edge of your bed and fold your hands on your lap, ready to listen.
"Do you not believe I'm upset about you leaving?"
"I'm sure you are but there has to be something else bothering you."
Charles bites his lip, not sure how to start.
"I'm sorry. It's my fault you're leaving, isn't it?"
"How did- It's alright." You change your response and shake your head.
Even now you're trying to dismiss his guilt.
"It's not alright. I shouldn't have done it. I should have just left you alone like you wanted."
You stare at Charles like he's crazy for a moment.
"I think we have different ideas of why I'm leaving. I just need some time to try to collect myself. If I can't then I can't stay here."
"Collect yourself? Then it's not because I've been trying to read your mind?"
"You what? But you haven't been able to, right?" You ask, sounding a bit worried.
So it wasn't that? Oh. He gave himself away.
“Not usually…” He mutters. “But I was able to when I grabbed your hand.”
Your face immediately pales.
“What did you see?”
“Your mother. She was afraid of you.”
You let out a relieved sigh.
“She was afraid of me, but she was a great mother. She took good care of me.”
You’re relieved that’s what he saw, but you still look a little sad at the memory. But if you didn’t know about his trying to read your mind, then what did he do to make you feel the need to leave?
“So then why are you leaving? Is it because I touched you?”
“In a way.” You purse your lips, clearly not wanting to say. “You could probably tell since you saw me read my mother’s fear that I have telepathy activated with touch. Usually I hear past thoughts and memories over currents ones. I don’t like to touch people because they can have dark thoughts or experiences that are unpleasant to see. Too often did I hear kind words and then touch them and know the person really didn’t feel that way. It made me afraid to touch anyone.”
“So you saw something you didn’t like.” Charles states, his fear justified.
“No, no! That’s not it!” You make a disgruntled sound, not wanting him to think that but also not wanting to say what it was. “When I touch people, the first thing I receive are their most recent memories, and the longer the contact the more of their past ones I see. We only touched for a moment so I only saw your most recent memory.”
“So then… what upset you was my most recent memory.” Which must mean his thoughts about you.
“I could never be upset by those. They just… I could only keep playing them over in my head. Such sweet thoughts. They made me so happy and flared up my emotions. I tried to act like normal but I’d see you and your thoughts would pop up again and I’d get too flustered and run away. If I can’t get my feelings under control again then I’m just going to be a burden pining away at you.” You become flustered, more so than when he complimented you.
It takes Charles a moment to process what he heard but soon his heart starts racing.
“I thought I was a pining idiot. I could have told you how I felt a long time ago, couldn’t I?”
“You what?” You hesitate as if there is any question as to what you heard. “You shouldn’t lie to make me feel better.”
“Again you don’t believe me.” Charles shakes his head as he moves closer. “I love you and I don’t want you to leave because you think I don’t.”
Charles reaches out, hoping you’ll accept his hand. You keep your hands close to yourself.
“I can’t. I’ll just keep digging through your mind.”
“I have nothing I want to hide from you, but if you like, I can try shielding my mind from you.”
“You can do that?”
“I haven’t come across telepathy like yours but I can try.”
Charles offers his hand again. Though hesitant, this time you accept and place your hand in his.
You brace yourself, waiting for the flash of memories, but there is nothing. Nothing but the warmth of your hand in Charles’.
“Is it working?” Charles asks.
A large grin brightens your face before you lunge at him. It startles him and throws off his barrier for a moment, letting a thought slip through.
Please let me reach you.
Charles' mental barrier comes back up as he returns the embrace. He buries his nose in your hair and breathes in, relishing your scent for the first time.
“Thank you so much.” You say past a relieved sob. “Your hug is so warm.”
Charles chuckles and you can feel the way his chest shakes with the laugh. It’s so strange and pleasant to know what another person feels like. In the past, being able to touch someone or hug a friend was always pleasant, but you never realized how much the experience was diminished by being bombarded with their memories. Hugging Charles is so much warmer and comforting than you’ve ever experienced.
“I really want to keep you to myself.” Charles pulls away to cup your face and smiles. “But maybe you can control your telepathy. Now that I understand your ability, we can work on it together. Then eventually you can be closer with everyone else.”
Again you startle Charles as you crash your lips into his, letting another thought slip through.
I love you.
He’ll need to practice himself if you keep catching him off guard like this.