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He had betrayed her, lied and blackmail her. If only he had spoken to her, things could have been different. Yet he didn't, instead he sought justice in such a way that caused a war. If only he wasn't so angry, he would have been able to see the plan wouldn't work. That the plan couldn't work in such a manner. While his plan was extreme, she understood his anger and pain. Not being in the circle herself, she saw what the mages had suffered, what Anders suffered. Justice only intensified that pain, the pain that would never leave him alone. All Hawke could do is hope, hope that she could help him.
After they escaped, they settled in the middle of nowhere, in a small cottage. There was a village near, but not close enough for anyone to notice the two apostates. Fenris, Aveline, Merill and Varric visited often at first, but then they all had their own goals to pursue. Varric stayed the longest with Hawke and Anders, as he didn't want to leave his trouble bringing best friend, but he knew he couldn't stay forever. They played Wicked Grace often at the village's tavern with friendly folk, not giving away Hawke's nature of course. Being an apostate her entire life, Hawke knew how to hide who she was.
The day before Varric was needed in Kirkwall, they were inseperable. They sat in the living-room, with booze and cards scattered across a small wooden table. A cat slept in the corner of the room, in a bed better than what Hawke and Anders owned.
"Hawke, how are you holding up ... after the entire bullshit at Kirkwall?" Varric asked facing Hawke.
Hawke laughed, "What sort of question is that therapist Tethras?"
Varric laughed back, but after a short moment he asked again with a more serious tone. While Hawke acted like Hawke always did (careless), she had something rather dark in her eyes, which only appeared when she was silent, or alone.
"I suppose... Well it's been rough... But... It could have been worse," she mumbled. As each word left her mouth, she became more quiet, and less humorous.
"Are you and Blondie alright?"
"Well what sort of question is that?" She snorted.
Varric chuckled, "What I mean is if you've spoken about it all. I just see that there's something wrong-"
"My mother got murdered by a psycho mage, my brother ditched me for the templars, Meredith tried to kill me and every other mage, my boyfriend blew up the chantry. Of course everything is fine!" She yelled, looked onto the floor as tears formed on her cheeks.
While her and Varric were speaking rather loudly, Anders heard the yell. Instead of disturbing them, he stood outside the cottage near an open window, listening. During their conversation, Anders was sorting out wooden logs for their fireplace, but hearing Hawke's voice in such a tone worried him.
"I... I can't even tell Anders how I feel," she mumbled.
"Why Hawke, I mean for what you forgave him he has no right not to-"
"I didn't forgive him, I didn't even speak to him about it. Agh, what can I even say. Hey Anders I love the fact you lied and blackmailed me into helping you blow up the chantry. Even if I did, he'd find any reason to leave because... He said he doesn't want to hurt me," she cried.
Varric sat next to her, and hugged her. "You have to tell him Hawke, you can't just keep it inside," Varric comforted her.
"I can't."
As Anders overheard the conversation, he bowed his head in shame. In shame that the one he loved so much was hurting. A part of him regretted what has been done, but he knew he had to do it to show a sign to the templars. There could be no compromise between the rights for mages, especially as they had none in Kirkwall. The way Meredith treated everyone made him sick every-time he thought about it. Justice reminded him that he had to do more, punish the templars and free the mages. But hearing his lover cry made him want to stop this battle, at least for a moment. While Justice reminded him that Hawke was a distraction, Anders didn't care. He owed Hawke an apology, and a long conversation. While it wouldn't change the past, at least it would stop her from hurting in the present.
He opened the door softly, and sat beside Hawke. As he hugged her tightly, he whispered, "I'm so sorry my love. I will be better."