Work Text:
dear gon:
“i've always believed myself to be gon's soulmate. whether it was platonic or romantic, i promised to stay by his side forever. he’s my best friend, my other half. gon is my light. and though he may not love me the way i love him, i intend to keep my promise to him. there’s honestly only one way i could ever break that promise and this is |
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i stared, blankly. i don’t like writing letters, i think they’re a huge waste of time. it’s stupid and unnessacary, especially since you could just tell the person what you’re feeling, or whatever. i guess i never really understood why anyone would need to write a letter until now.
they say the words you’re unable to say. kinda like when you don’t want to talk to someone but you need to tell them something important so you ask a friend to talk to them and deliver your message instead. they act as a bridge between you and whoever you’re sending the stupid letter to.
this honestly is a huge waste of my time, but i couldn’t just leave you with no closure. that’s not what i meant. i don’t even know anymore. at this point, i’m just writing all my thoughts down, trying to empty out my head. but who am i kidding? my head will never be empty, not as long as i have gon. or leorio. and hell, even though i hate to admit it, i guess i’ve gotten a tad bit comfortable with kurapika, too.
to be honest, i don’t even know how this all happened. i mean, i do, but like, i don’t. why would anyone want to be friends with me? or much less, associated with me? i mean, i wasn’t planning on making friends. i didn’t even need any friends. they’re a waste of time, just like letters. friends and letters are stupid. i don’t need friends. that’s what i keep telling myself. i don’t need them, i never needed them. but i’ll be damned if anyone ever knew i wanted them.
the thought of having someone care for me never really crossed my mind. some would call me weird, or different, for saying such a thing. others would completely disregard me. see what i mean? i’m not someone that people are supposed to care about, i’m not someone people are even supposed to look at. i don’t mind it, really. it’s peaceful. not having someone care for me when i’m down or breathing down my neck to make sure i disinfect that one cut when i trip is fine. it’s quiet. i’ve learned to appreciate the quiet and not take it for granted.
everyone wants what they are unable to have. two siblings that share a room? each of them want to have their own room. two siblings who have their own room? they want to move in with each other and sleep in the same room. skinny person wants to be fat while a fat person wants to be skinny. thick girls want to be thin while thin girls want to be thick. i could go on and on about who wants what and what wants who. but that would be a waste of time. like friends and letters. it’d be stupid. making a list about things people want, having friends, and writing letters are stupid. and wastes of time. stupid waste of time.
you know what else is a stupid waste of time? reminiscing on old memories. like that time we met, oh boy. that was such a day. it’s not like i’m saying i regret meeting him or whatever, ‘cause i don’t. it’s just.. i don’t know, i didn’t ask to be his friend. and somehow, he just came along and i guess that it just stuck. him and i, me and him. now, it seems as if i’m unable to live without the thought of having him around.
i have something i need to ask him. well, actually, you. ‘cause you are him, or whatever. anyways- do you believe in love? like meeting your soulmate, love at first sight, getting married, having kids, blah, blah, blah. do you? ‘cause i don’t.
the concept of love is odd to me. then again, the concept of caring about someone was newly introduced to me just a few years ago. and i have you to thank for it. honestly, i was doing fine without you. i don’t know why you just barged into my life without any warning. or why you stuck. was it a gut feeling? or did you just pity the twelve-year-old loser who rode a stupid skateboard and carried a yoyo with him everywhere?
i don’t believe in love. it’s stupid. i mean, i’m 100% sure that it’s just a concept made from the human mind. like, it’s not a real thing. you just trick yourself into having these overwhelming emotions that make you want to do crazy things with this crazy person and they make you think you’re living a dream because even with all the hardships and familial issues and messed up things in your life, you still have that one person you need to hang on to. i think that’s what love is.
answering my own question again: no, i don’t believe in love. but i do believe in something- moreover, the idea of love.
that’s all, i guess.
i do love you though, gon. you are my light. thank you for keeping me sane for these past few years, but it seems as if your effect has worn out.
i’m sorry.”
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I folded the letter gently and put it back in my drawer. Leorio and Kurapika were waiting for me downstairs and I knew I couldn’t just not show up. So, I went downstairs and saw them at the bottom of the steps.
“You ready?” Leorio asked.
Kurapika put his hand on my shoulder and looked at me with pitiful eyes. “You don’t have to go, if you don’t want to.”
I smiled like I always do and shook my head. “I want to.”
And so we walked for about fifteen minutes and stopped at the cemetery. I inhaled deeply and stepped in. I walked towards the gravestone with the sunflowers from yesterday and sat down on my knees. I replaced yesterday’s sunflowers with today's sunflowers and set down a box of ChocoRobo-kun Chocolate Balls. Killua’s favorite.
“Who knew a year could pass so quickly, huh?” I smiled as I talked to his headstone.
Killua Zoldyck
July 7, 1987 - August 12, 2005
Cause of Death: Suicide
“I do believe in something. Moreover, the idea of love.”
I noticed my face became wet again. “I wish I knew why you left, though.”
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End.