Chapter Text
Tuesday, 11:31 PM
"asshead" created a groupchat named "chem".
"asshead" added 8 members.
asshead: ok this is a really, really bad idea, but does anybody have the homework answers from chem??
asshead: i'm desperate enough to do this
chongyun: ok but no who are you
asshead: aether from chem
asshead: you all have chem with mr. adcock you know me,,
xingqiu: no obviously your name is asshead
xingqiu: don't believe his lies, chongyun
aether: look it's me see? i changed my username. it's me.
bennett: why does this group chat actually have like 20 people in it?? also no i lost my homework and my email got hacked so i can't message the teacher about it
xingqiu: there's literally eight people in this group chat can you fuckin read
xingqiu: also lmao i hate mr. sadcock literally i don't pay attention in his class
chongyun: but you have an A right
xingqiu: ofc because im a genius
aether: you don't sound like a genius. now where are the answers.
xingqiu: gonna ignore that comment and say that you are also stupid. literally just look at the diagram of the periodic table and count. electron config is easy
aether: bitch i can't count???
barbara: Aren't you in like, Honors Math III or something?
aether: yeah so??
xinyan: damn you're STUPID stupid
xinyan: but i am too lmao idk how to do electron girlbossification or whatever it's called
xingqiu: ok so everyone here is stupid that's what i'm learning
chongyun: yeah what did you expect shawty
xingqiu: you better /p that shit i ain't gay
aether: you literally are in gsa and i had to proofread your essay about being gay. how was that pity a the teacher gave you bc they didn't wanna get in trouble for being homophobic btw.
xingqiu: so true. anyway let's make out chongyun
barbara: Wait, you two are dating, right?
chongyun: yeah idk xingqiu is just buggin
chongyun: ily shawty
bennett: are any of you all friends? i feel like i'm out of the loop for some reason.
aether: we just have class together, i think chongyun and xingqiu are the only people who actually know each other
chongyun: who the hell is xingqiu
xingqiu: that was so hot babe might have to take you out to zaxby's and eat your ass
xinyan: what the fuck is zaxby's??
barbara: Out of everything in that sentence, that's what you choose to focus on?
xinyan: yeah. i want to know what zaxby's is.
xiangling: it's a chicken restaurant.
aether: once we bring up food you finally start talking. do you know the answers to the chem homework???
xiangling: i'm not answering your question. bye
aether: Fuck You
xinyan: the amount of strife created from the concept of ass-eating at zaxby's... unreal
aether: oh my god literally there's only one person in the gc who hasn't spoken yet. fischl PLEASE
fischl: What do you want, sewer gremlin? I'm currently occupied with other matters.
aether: chem answers please
fischl: No, live in suffering.
aether: lol bye i'm dropping out of school
xingqiu: real shit???? also i'm pretty sure the other chemistry class is also doing this same document for homework so you could ask one of them.
aether: you're right. you're so right. you're a godsend xingqiu even if you are kind of a mean lesbian.
xingqiu: I'M NOT A LESBIAN
"aether" added 3 members.
xinyan: femboys have no rights in this modern society, it's heartbreaking
hu tao: lmao whyd i join to this
hu tao: anyway xingqiu on that femboy malewife shit fr fr
xingqiu: not true i'm calling the sophomore representative to report you
hu tao: okay and??
aether: argue later please chem answers now
hu tao: sure i don't have morals
hu tao: i'll dm you the goods
chongyun: this feels like a drug deal ngl
hu tao: lmao ms. g still thinks i'm a weed dealer
hu tao: if she wants weed so bad she can just go to mr. ooey gooey icky sticky tartagliass
xingqiu: you call him tartagliass?? is it cause he got a fat ass or what
barbara: Why are you all like this?
xinyan: i wish i knew
xingqiu: i'd say i'm a pretty average teenager, but to each their own
chongyun: evidence 5g radiation is damaging the minds of the youth,
hu tao: my wifi router do be heating the mushy shit inside my skull like a slow cooker. but whatever yeah we say childe is a weed dealer because its funny and it confuses zhongli
hu tao: seniors are so funny to torment. so are gay people. if they're both of those things, it's better
xingqiu: so true shawty /j (im not straight)
hu tao: makes out with you /j (me neither lmao)
bennett: i think our society is in shambles.
hu tao: holy ass it's bennett
bennett: oh, hi hu tao
bennett: my phone just started fizzling, sorry for not responding to anything
aether: get that shit checked out, man...
bennett: they always explode, no matter what
chongyun: how much can god hate one boy??? what did my boy benny ever do wrong
xingqiu: nothing, life is just cruel
xinyan: god i hate society, that's so fucked up. i'm storming heaven's gates with a picket sign to protest benny abuse
keqing: i'll join you.
xinyan: keqing!!!
xingqiu: she finally speaks, the fabled woman
hu tao: there's only two women in the world and that's dr. pepper and the sexy green m&m. don't lie
chongyun: what about fucking beyonce?????
hu tao: beyonce deez nutz
hu tao: literally respond to me you fucking coward
aether: he's dead you killed him
xingqiu: Shawty's no longer like a melody in my head... I'll grieve your loss for the rest of my life...
xinyan: heartbreaking. murder is so fucked up isn't it
barbara: That is not a controversial opinion, Xinyan.
keqing: if it was, we'd all be dead.
xingqiu: so true... all women are philosophers
hu tao: (awap)
xinyan: awesome, wet ass pussy
aether: No It Stands For All Women Are Philosophers You Sexist
xinyan: i am a woman shawty
chongyun: there are only two genders, wet ass pussy and woman
hu tao: BUT WAIT SO TRUE
--
Wednesday, 10:08 AM
venti: HEY GUYS LET ME FUCKIN TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED IN AP PSYCH
xiao: literally nobody cares that you take ap psych.
venti: i thought you fucking loved me xiao
albedo: ah, romance is dead. unfortunate.
venti: okay im over it. ANYWAY YOU KNOW THAT TINY LITTLE SOPHOMORE DUDE WITH THE GAY HAIRCUT
ganyu: Xingqiu?
venti: yeah him
venti: ANYWAYS HE'S IN MY CLASS AND TODAY HE CALLED CHILDE "MR. OOEY GOOEY ICKY STICKY TARTAGLIASS"
venti: the sophomores are learning about him. word is fucking spreading we've done it
zhongli: tartaglia is not a drug dealer.
childe: but what if i was :smirk:
xiao: this isn't discord, dumbass.
albedo: as a wise man once said, discord, i'm howling at the moon, and sleeping in the middle of a summer afternoon.
kaeya: where would our society be without the living tombstones...
kaeya: also i'm pretty sure childe is going to get in trouble real fuckin soon
venti: once the teachers learn of mr. ooey gooey icky sticky tartagliass it's over...
childe: god i hope that day never comes
xiao: i hope it does.
xiao: if you were expelled for weed dealing, i would simply laugh.
childe: but i'm not even selling any drugs
kaeya: but like. they don't know that he's not
venti: at this point all you can really do is go down in style, bud. let's bump it up to mr. snorty shorty dusty musty tartaglicaine
childe: ok i was onboard with the whole weed thing but if they think i'm selling cocaine i will get in mad trouble. like we can at least hope i'll get out of expulsion rn
xiao: why are you doing this, anyway? do you want to get in trouble?
childe: i want to go down in history that's all
kaeya: god you're fuckin crazy
albedo: if you'd like to go down in history, i can draw you some "mr. ooey gooey icky sticky tartagliass" posters and put them around the school.
childe: you'd really do that for me????
albedo: only if you pay me.
childe: sure i got the cash
albedo: not with money. i need the chlorine bleach from the chem lab by lunch.
childe: I CANT FUCKIN GET THAT YOU KNOW THEY BANNED ME FROM GOIN IN THERE
childe: i'm literally gonna shit all over your goddamned textbooks. good luck getting into harvard mr poo poo books. i'll smear it all over the pages like a monkey
xiao: i fucking hate you. you're so fucking disgusting and rancid and putrid.
venti: This Is What Happens When You Force A Boy To Eat Cement At Age Six. The Results Are Heartbreaking.
childe: fuck you i did not eat cement when i was a baby
kaeya: well SOMETHING fucked up your brain then bc who the fuck says something like that
zhongli: don't be mean to him.
xiao: something is deeply wrong with your boyfriend, i'm sorry. please, get some therapy, childe.
childe: my only therapy is lookin at zhongli's fat dumpy when i sit behind him in ap lit
childe: you're a dilf shawty dw ily
xiao: please fucking shut up or i'm going to have to get my zoloft dose raised just to deal with the worsening of my chronic depression due to every goddamned word you deliberately type on your phone.
kaeya: zhongli IS a dilf though you can't lie
xiao: he is eighteen fucking years of age he is not a dilf.
venti: anybody can be a dilf. it's a mindset
diluc: i wish i wasn't in this group chat, i'm sorry xiao.
venti: you just wish you had a sexylicious boyfriend like i do
diluc: i really don't.
kaeya: homophobic much smh
childe: point and laugh at the hettie!! tug on my balls one by one before i kick you down freshman hill
diluc: i'm not going to do that, actually.
venti: ok but real talk who has the fattest ass, the fattest tits, and the fattest balls
kaeya: this is so gross
kaeya: tell me
xiao: do you have no dignity?
kaeya: no lmao did you think i do??? what gave you that impression and how do i make sure to remove whatever aspect of my personality somehow conveys that
kaeya: now i really do have the fattest tits. i can't lie about that. i can't pretend like it's not true
venti: i don't disagree
childe: zhongli has the fattest ass for sure
venti: i can't argue with that either. now the balls thing is awkward because i've never seen anybody's balls before
kaeya: were you not there when childe stripped down in the locker room?????
venti: he did that???? proof or it didnt happen
xiao: i hope my word serves as enough proof, because i don't want kaeya to send the picture he took. i was there, and he did do that, unfortunately for everyone present. the teachers thought he was high on LSD, but no, it wasn't even for a dare, he just said he "felt like it".
venti: honestly that is so fucking funny childe but so stupid
kaeya: mans a whole fuckin different BREED
venti: wait we're getting off topic
xiao: i'd rather we not get back on topic, alright?
beidou: i cannot stand to hear men talk about their nasty little men things anymore, please
albedo: hello, beidou.
beidou: yo fr though history is bangin rn
beidou: i'm so close to being able to write my 100k word jamilton slowburn fanfic that is historically accurate
xiao: your fucking what.
beidou: you're not a man of culture, i see.
xiao: no, i understand what you're saying, but i really, really do not like it. i can feel my mental illness getting worse and gnawing at my grey matter.
beidou: nah you're just jealous bc im gonna get 10000 kudos on ao3
xiao: i'm fucking not. i just feel chronically depressed.
childe: catch xiao lyin on the floor in the cafe commons again because he's got sad disease LMFAO
albedo: depression isn't the kind of thing i'd say "lmfao" to, but whatever works for you.
xiao: whatever, that's not the part i care about.
xiao: i just don't see how me taking a nap on the floor of the cafe commons is worse than pretending to deal literal drugs.
beidou: fair point but my boy needs clout
venti: honestly though childe does not need more clout than he already has
venti: everybody already knows who he is
childe: aahahah.... im poppin off
childe: poppin dis pussy
venti: so true
xiao: oh my fucking god shut up.
venti: but your pussy pops too xiao babe
venti: it's ok
xiao: no comment.
diluc: for the last year, this group chat has just been xiao, venti, and childe arguing. can we please talk about something without descending into this, PLEASE.
albedo: you have to admit, it's quite funny.
diluc: no, it is not.
beidou: no albedo is right it is funny
beidou: i like hearing about xiao and venti ahaha ;)
beidou: like when venti told us about xiao eating a whole rotisserie chicken while dying his hair in the bathtub? so iconic. i wish i could have a mental breakdown like that tbh
xiao: first, that's not what a mental breakdown is. second, i am not a spectacle, beidou.
childe: HOLD ON GUYS THE TEACHER ISNT IN THE CHEM LAB RN IM GONNA GET THE CHLORINE BLEACH
childe: you'd better make the posters albedo
albedo: if you give me the bleach, i'll do it. it's a deal.
--
Wednesday, 12:42 PM
hu tao: oh my god was anybody else at the cafe commons during lunch
xingqiu: no i eat in my english teacher's room because im gay
hu tao: ok whatever
aether: LMAO I WAS THERE
lumine: yeah me and aether eat there in the corner
hu tao: oh hi shawty welcome to the gc
hu tao: anyway i'll recount it for everyone else
hu tao: you know diluc and kaeya? those two seniors???
hu tao: THEY STARTED A FIGHT
hu tao: like at the beginning of the school year there was a fight every week so it wasnt a big deal but this is the first one in like three months and it was wild
hu tao: people were gathered around them with their phones out
hu tao: they were vaulting over tables to get at each other
hu tao: AND THEY DIDNT EVEN GET IN TROUBLE
hu tao: the on duty teacher got lured away by another senior named albedo who apparently started some dangerous fuckin chemical reaction??? he said it was an accident but im like 95% sure it was a ruse to get the teacher to leave so they could fight
chongyun: now that's juicy
xinyan: do you think it's possible that has anything to do with the "mr. ooey gooey icky sticky tartagliass" posters that are suddenly all over the school
xinyan: because it definitely looks like albedo drew those. i recognize his art
xingqiu: what in the goddamn hell are the seniors on
chongyun: i don't know. ask barbara, her sister is also a senior i think
hu tao: give us the insider info barbara
barbara: Alright, I guess I can ask her.
barbara: She says a group of seniors have a big group chat where they talk about things. She's also in it, and she sent me these screenshots.
"barbara" sent a screenshot.
hu tao: LMAO WHAT
chongyun: so it was all planned huh
xingqiu: the seniors have been exposed...
lumine: i'm friends with one of the seniors and she was telling me about how kaeya and diluc are like sworn enemies or some shit
lumine: they do be fighting though
hu tao: lmao dont you and aether throw down on the reg though
aether: we're twins we're allowed to just fight each other whenever
xinyan: you think that excuse is gonna fly when you're in the principal's office getting your asses suspended for hollerin in the cafeteria
lumine: honestly yeah
lumine: mr. pear or whatever his name is wont care
hu tao: HIS NAME IS MR. WARE YOU DUMBASS
lumine: ok whatever i didnt ask
hu tao: hold on shawties i see childe
hu tao: he's walking around and looking at the tartagliass posters
aether: this is like a nature documentary
hu tao: POWEOK DJISODJSDOkS;lxkdsasd4ru9wu8evaFNIJEWNFW??????????
xinyan: damn what happened
hu tao: HE FUCKIN KISSED THE POSTER LIKE THE DRAWING OF HIMSELF IN FRONT TTOF EVERYONE AND ACTED LIKE NOBODY WAS FWATCHIN
hu tao: i think this guy is like. actually deranged. like he had his tongue out and everything fucking WHAT
hu tao: hold on he is fucking not doing th
xinyan: what now?????
lumine: this sounds horrific im so glad im not there
hu tao: he. he took it off the wall and fucking ate it
aether: PROOF OR IT DIDNT FUCKING HAPPEN WHAT
--
Wednesday, 12:59 PM
venti: CHILDE THIS SOPHOMORE IS SPREADING A RUMOR THAT YOU KISSED AND THEN ATE ONE OF THE TARTAGLIASS POSTERS IS THIS TRUE YES OR NO
childe: yes it is true
xiao: why? i don't understand you. i just do not understand. i'm so tired. god isn't real.
childe: it's just some paper shawty
zhongli: that's kind of hot, childe.
kaeya: ?E?WREFFK NO ITS NOT
diluc: oh my fucking god. i hate it here.
venti: honestly? for once i'm gonna have to agree
venti: shits nasty
xiao: i am going to scoop out my eyes with a spoon so i don't have to read anymore.
venti: but then you cant look at me bby :(
xiao: unfortunate, but can you really blame me? if i have to look at childe's idiotic face one more fucking time i'm going to lose it. i will run into the woods screaming and i will never come out.
albedo: Breaking News: Gay Teenager Found Tragically Dead in Woods Weeks After Having a Mental Breakdown.
kaeya: xiao is gay???? proof or its not true
diluc: dumbass.
xiao: ... each moment, the call of the forest grows stronger... the doors are so close, what if i just jumped out and ran...
venti: are you not gay xiao??? is my boyfriend a hettie??? a little straighty?? a heter a sexual???
xiao: no i am not. i'm not a rancid heterosexual.
kaeya: shawty remember that amber is in this gc she's gonna see that and get mad
albedo: boo hoo, straight people are oppressed.
amber: i'm a lesbian what did i ever do to deserve this slander
kaeya: nothin i just wanted to laugh at you
kaeya: and
kaeya: wait arent you straight albedo i thought you had a crush on sucrose???
albedo: i am not. sucrose had a crush on me, so she's the straight one. although, having a crush on me is arguably gay no matter what, since i am only loosely acquittanced with my "gender".
kaeya: yo that's hot
beidou: ningguang stole all the gender in the school with her fat mommy milkers
venti: TRUEEE
xiao: tell her to give it back, i keep getting called a femboy.
venti: but you're my femboy :'(
xiao: i suppose i am.
beidou: aw romance isnt dead after all
diluc: no, it died the second childe and zhongli first kissed behind the bleachers at the 8th grade dance.
childe: FUCKIN RUDE
childe: what class do you have rn bitch im gonna go clap your head
zhongli: it's okay, tartaglia. i understand that people think it's odd you and i are dating.
venti: honestly though why ARE you two dating you're so fuckin different
zhongli: childe is the spice to my life.
xiao: not to be crude, but the spice childe has to offer is like if you deepthroated a carolina reaper and then shit it out.
beidou: LMAO YOURE RIGHT THOUGH
childe: auhaha im a little shit pepper :smirk:
diluc: THIS ISN'T FUCKING DISCORD, STOP DOING THAT.
childe: no :smirk:
albedo: you're fighting a losing battle, diluc.
diluc: i always am.