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"You really shouldn't have said that."
How many times had he said that to himself?
Sonny knew that sometimes in the desire to be accepted, to prove his worth, he tended to speak too much and too loudly.
But there, he had bluntly yelled at Rafael in front of everyone and even if it was justified, he shouldn't have.
"You really shouldn't have said that."
And even when he was ranting on the courthouse steps as Amanda tried to comfort him, he shouldn't have said he didn't care about Barba.
It was precisely because he did care that he had gotten so angry.
Just when he thought the ADA was starting to respect him, he had destroyed it all with a few words. He had made it personal when he had promised himself to always be professional when it came to Rafael.
"You really shouldn't have said that."
That's why tonight he didn't feel like joining the rest of the squad at Forlini, because he knew that Rafael would probably be there too. And he didn't know how to react. But Sonny also knew that he couldn't go home without settling things with the man.
When he pushed Forlini's door, he still didn't know how he was going to smooth things over with the ADA. They were all lined up at the bar and of course, the only stool left was next to Rafael. After greeting everyone, he sat down and ordered a beer. Then he kept his eyes fixed on it, wondering how to broach the subject with the man sitting next to him. Much later, whereas he had not even noticed that it remained only him and Rafael, his voice took him out of his reverie.
"So detective, are you done sulking?"
Count on Rafael to attack first. Sonny said to himself that there were not so many ways to manage the situation. He gathered his courage, took a sip and began, "I'm sor-"
A hand rested on his. "Wait Sonny... I'm the one who's sorry."
Sonny almost gasped in surprise.
"Yes, even I, I am sometimes able to admit I am wrong, when it is justified. The precedent was good, but I was yes too chicken to use it. And yes it happens to me too. I'm human."
"Um, thanks for acknowledging that, but it doesn't diminish the fact that I didn't have to react like that. I don't know why I got so carried away, my wounded self-esteem probably..." Sonny punctuated his comment with a small, self-deprecating laugh. Surely he wasn't going to tell Barba that what had pissed him off the most was that it was he, Rafael, who wouldn't use Sonny's arguments. One humiliation is enough in a day.
That was without counting on the man's perspicacity;
"I had the impression, though, that it was more..." Rafael made a pause before resuming, "personal…" he had a questioning expression. This unsettled Sonny even more, a snarky and sassy Barba, he could handle, but an understanding and attentive Rafael, that was more confusing.
Seeing an unfamiliar gleam in Rafael's eye, he caught himself hoping a little, could it be the chance he was waiting for... Sonny figured that at worst he'd lose what little respect he'd earned from the ADA, so he jumped in.
"Maybe because for me it's personal that you're the one accepting my ideas and using them. Because since I've been here, you're the one I'm trying to impress. Because it made me feel valuable for a short time and that feeling was taken away from me."
"You really shouldn't have said that."
And where he expected an ironic, Barba-style repartee, Rafael asked him softly, "But why, what is your reason for wanting to impress me?"
"I don't know, Rafael, why do we want to impress someone? Perhaps because we admire him, because we want to be closer to him. "
"You really shouldn't have said that."
For the first time since this discussion began, Sonny looked down. He didn't see Rafael's half-smile when he said, "You finally said it."
Sonny raised his head sharply. "Said what?"
"The reason why you want to impress me." Rafael simply placed his hand over Sonny's before continuing, "But Sonny, you never had to do anything to impress me. You just have to be you. And a misstep never stopped anyone from progressing. So forget the pedestal you put me on and be you with your words that sometimes go further than your thoughts, your not always welcome opinions, your open-mindedness, your inexhaustible empathy, your pastries and lasagna, I don't want a fake Sonny, the one you think would please me, I want the real Sonny. Two years Sonny, don't you think that in two years I could have made up my mind about who you were ? So cross the gap you think is insurmountable and even if you make a misstep I'll catch you."
Could it be that easy?
As he scrutinized the inviting gaze of the man in front of him, he knew that yes, he wanted to take that step even if it was a misstep.
And later, much later as he lay in his lover's arms, Sonny thought for the first time that he had done the right thing by saying what he had said.