Chapter Text
The first time I saw Jude look at Cardan with anything other than pure revolt was the night of what was supposed to be Prince Dain’s coronation. From the corner of the room, I watched as Locke and Jude danced. That night, I was just thankful I would only have to bear watching the two together for a few more hours. Locke would speak to Madoc that evening and we would be engaged. Jude would hopefully come to understand. Guilt rose in my throat every time she smiled at him and silent envy boiled beneath my skin at every kiss they shared, but that night was different.
Jude was not smiling, in fact, her face was flushed with anger and she glared at him through squinted eyes, searching to find answers in his clever mask I became all too familiar with. My stomach flipped while I wondered if Locke was finally telling her the truth, but later I learned that was not the case.
When I finally tore my eyes from my sister and future husband, I noticed Cardan leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the room. He was drinking deeply from a goblet while staring at the pair dancing. The intensity of his gaze made me uneasy like he was ready to pounce on them at any moment. I quickly looked away, turning my attention back to my sister’s face. I was too far away to hear, but from the shape of her mouth the conversation was unfriendly. I noticed Cardan walking over before either Jude or Locke did.
The youngest prince knew that I was the one actually dating Locke, so I couldn’t figure out why he still wanted to bother Jude. I thought maybe he would try to humiliate her for all of her useless acts of insubordination, but that didn’t seem to be his goal that night. The anger in his face was directed at Locke. The pair made unfriendly remarks to one another before Locke left. Once the Cardan looked down at Jude the hot anger dissipated, although he still didn’t look pleased.
I couldn’t help but notice how Jude physically relaxed after her initial shock of seeing Cardan, even in the arms of someone as evil as him. What could Locke have said to her that made Cardan’s company the preferable option? I never found out.
She still wore a scowl, but the angry flush from her face was replaced by a pink dusting across her cheeks. His gaze on her was softer than I had ever seen, not that Jude seemed to notice. I had wandered close enough to pick up on her annoyed tone.
Before I could decipher their conversation, Locke appeared at my side, breaking my attention on them. Cardan’s figure stood out in the swarm of bodies as he walked away shortly after. I slide between two guests looking for Jude only to find her standing still amongst dozens of dancers, looking dumbfounded as she watched the cruel prince leave. His head was dipped, but from where I stood, I saw a smile cracking up at the sides of his lips. Perhaps he had said something wicked to her after all.
With everything that happened that night, the mess of the coronation, Locke talking to Madoc, Jude and I almost dueling, I forgot about the insignificant interactions I witnessed. They hated each other and Jude was probably going to push her luck with him until we all regretted it. That didn’t matter then though; Locke was finally mine. While I had to share him with others, for the spice he talked about, I no longer had to worry about sharing with my sister and that was enough to keep me happy.
I should have realized how deep our secrets had grown as we had gotten older. After all, I had kept my relationship with Locke a secret. Yet, the night of Cardan’s coordination showed that I was not the only one keeping secrets.
Jude entered Hollow Hall with her arm interlocked with Cardans. He looked even more princely than normal in his cream colored attire. While Jude looked unsure at his side, her eyes kept darting around the room.
I couldn’t help but watch as they walked around the room drinking and talking with various court members. Whatever was making her nervous, I wasn’t sure Cardan was the source. The two even shared a few smiles, or at least what constitutes a smile for Jude.
Later, there was an explosion and I, unfortunately, found myself holding the blood crown. I was frozen with terror as I was caught between the desperate begs of my sisters and the violent threats from Prince Balekin. I could feel the heat of everyone’s stares and Balekin’s words echoed in my head which suddenly felt separate from my body. Jude appeared in front of me and took the crown from my hands.
I knew our relationship was strained after everything with Locke came to light, but nothing could have prepared me to watch as Vivi guided Oak forward and then declare Cardan the high king. It hurt to watch the scheme my family had all been in on come to be while I did not have the slightest clue what was happening. I was not surprised Jude didn't tell me, but Vivi kept me in the dark too. I only learned later that my little brother was the son of Prince Dain and Locke’s mother. Despite everything, I believed that there was still trust between us then, but Jude never trusted me again after that.
That night Cardan thanked Jude in front of the court. He announced, “And to Jude, who gave me a gift tonight. One that I plan to repay in kind.” He had a devilish grin on his face. One that reminded me of the power he wielded as the youngest prince, which was magnified tenfold now that he was the High King of Faerie.
I wondered if that was perhaps a threat, but after all, why would Cardan be angry at the person who made him king? The whole situation was incredibly confusing. They hated each other but somehow schemed together. Even though Jude later explained it was to protect Oak until he got older, I was still skeptical. Jude wouldn’t give one of her biggest enemies that kind of power unless there was more that I did not know.
Jude slipped to a corner of the room once Cardan started speaking to his new subjects. As the night went on she kept stealing glances his way, when she thought no one would notice. Of course, I did though. While she wore her best neutral face, after a particularly charming speech, it looked like the faintest smile crept onto her face. She looked proud, like her greatest scheme finally came to fruition.
In the months that Jude spent as seneschal to the High King, I was too focused on my upcoming wedding and adjusting to my new lifestyle to watch their interactions. Maybe if I had, I would not have been so shocked when Cardan kissed her in front of the entire throne room.
He had made a grandly foolish entrance, falling over the place appearing to have consumed entirely too much wine before coming. Jude tried to do damage control and get him to stop drinking anything else. It was painfully obvious how some court members were looking at the drunk boy king. I was not surprised by Cardan pulling my sister into his arms for a dance, but I was shocked when he pressed his lips to hers and she didn’t fight back.
Actually, for a moment she leaned into the kiss before pulling back suddenly. Cardan pouted for a fraction of a second before falling to the ground laughing. Jude’s face turned white as she must have realized Cardan was actually poisoned, not drunk as we all thought at the time. The pair made quite a scene when Jude tried to take him out of the hall. Cardan’s brother commanded Jude to stay, but Cardan wouldn’t let go of her. His knuckles had turned white from his tight grip around her waist. When they left, Balekin shook with anger. It wasn’t long before Madoc found me.
Even then, I did not believe that the pair were truly a couple. They had an arrangement. That much was obvious. I knew from listening to Locke that Cardan had some interest in Jude, which was something Locke enjoyed exploiting. But I knew Jude, at least I thought I did. All her choices were supposed to be a way to protect Oak until he could become king. On top of that, Jude always had high ambitions. Becoming the High King’s seneschal was as high as either of us could have ever imagined.
It was impossible to think that Jude was where she was based on her feelings for the High King, after all, he did try to drown us at one point and it was his fault Jude came home half-naked, recovering from the faerie fruits effects after the incident in class. To name only two examples of Cardan’s cruelty.
When Madoc came to me with the plan to seize control of the army, I had real doubts. The whole plan banked on Cardan not being able to refuse Jude, which seemed ridiculous. We grew up at school together. Cardan had been impossible as a prince, but now he was above everyone. It was impossible to think that Jude could demand half of the royal army for Madoc to independently control and he would just allow it. If she couldn’t tame his drinking or convince him to remove Locke as Master of Revels, then how would she demand this?
But still, the image of Cardan kissing Jude kept replaying in my mind. The way he acted around her was different from how I saw him act with anyone. His eyes lingered on her long after their interactions had ended. His actions around her gave Locke an unlimited supply of ammunition to antagonize him.
Whether or not she had actual control over him as Madoc claimed, Jude had to know that she had a powerful effect over him and was using it to her advantage. Why she wasn’t already using that power to help Madoc was beyond me.
I will always have conflicting feelings about Madoc, but I truly believed he always put our family first. Knowing what I did then, I didn’t regret my actions in the slightest. It was the right choice for our family.
As instructed by Madoc, I changed into Jude’s clothes and I slipped into her chambers where Cardan was barely conscious on the couch. When I entered the room, he didn’t even open his eyes. His arm was slumped over his face. His body was covered in sweat and there was a bucket nearby filled with an awful mixture of dirt and leaves.
“Jude? Is that you?” His voice was hoarse and barely audible from where I stood.
At first, I was afraid of getting too close, in case he noticed I was not Jude, but Jude and I had years of successful swaps and the people closest to us could barely tell if we switched places. A poisoned king was unlikely to know the difference.
“Yes. It is me.” I said and he waved me closer with his free hand. As I stood above the couch, he took my hand and tugged gently for me to sit next to him.
I obeyed and immediately regretted it. I doubt Jude would listen so willingly, but his hand remained in mine and I wondered if I misjudged their relationship. The act felt so soft and intimate.
Refocusing on the plan, I explained to him everything Madoc told me to say. For the first time, he looked at me and his over-dilated coal eyes opened wide. I was prepared to run out of the room, thinking he recognized me, but instead, he sighed and closed his eyes again, before nodding in agreement.
I may have overplayed my hand, but I leaned down to his ear and whispered, “Thank you, Cardan” before quickly running out from the room. The shiver that came over his body brought me more confusion as it confirmed my suspicion.
Cardan was clearly overcome with my sister, but how and when? Jude was defiant. She wanted to become a knight. How had she caught the attention of a prince, now king? Even now, as much as I wish her the best, I can’t help but feel frustrated. My plan was to marry well and be set for the rest of my life. Jude wanted knighthood and the short-life that brought. Yet somehow she managed to secure a marriage to the most powerful person in all of Faerieland, who also happened to be completely enamored with her. Of course, I did not learn about their marriage for almost a year.
Locke told me that faeries don’t love the same way mortals do. Mortals love one person, they show their love through acts and declarations, and prioritize trust and loyalty in the relationship. They think of each other often and need to feel close to one another. Fae relationships were much more relaxed and intertwined, he would say.
Locke kept our relationship open, inviting in strangers to add to the never ending story he was building. When we were not at a revel or in our bedroom, we saw very little of each other. As Master of Revels, he was constantly creating chaos and surprises. I was left to do whatever I pleased at the estate. The happiness in the arrangement quickly disintegrated, especially as I continued to question how faeries actually loved.
In the months of Jude’s exile, I watched Cardan’s mood sour to a new level. In some ways, he was worse than when we were in school. Locke occasionally brought me around to the extensive parties he was able to throw at the palace now that Jude was no longer around to curb the celebrations.
One day, Locke made a joke about Jude’s fragile mortality being tested in the mortal world to get a reaction from the High King and I thought Cardan might order Locke’s execution and carry it out with his own hands in the same breath.
Before Locke had a chance to realize the depth of his mistake, Cardan had sprung from his lounged position on the throne and his hands found their way around Locke’s throat. The copious amounts of wine I had drunk that night did nothing to curb the cold dread that filled my body. I watched helplessly as Cardan spat a reminder of how fragile his position within the court was.
When he did release his hands, Locke sat up coughing. His face red and purple from the lack of oxygen. The momentary relief I felt disappeared as Cardan’s words sent another chill down my back.
“The next time you speak a word about her, it will be your last spoken. Consider this time a mercy from your king.”
Cardan, likely more intoxicated than the rest of us, stumbled his way out of the room, grabbing a new pitcher of wine on his way out.
After that I tried to convince Locke to stop his scheming. I told him that one day his instigating would get him killed; little did I realize it would be me who killed him. Locke only frowned and told me that life without excitement was a useless existence.
I thought I loved him, but every conversation we had he seemed to put that love into question. Locke loved to remind me how different my mortal love was, but some days I wasn’t sure if what we had was love at all.
Vivi loved Heather. She was occasionally careless when it came to bringing Heather into faerie related situations, but their love seemed so natural and easy, like the romantic movies that I had watched at Heather’s apartment. Vivi never looked at another human or faerie after they started dating and in retrospect, I also don’t remember seeing Cardan take a single lover while Jude was in exile. Even after the most wild of revels when everyone seemed to be matched up with someone, or someones, by the break of dawn, Cardan could be found alone on his throne or retired to his chambers.
It was hard not to become bitter at my sisters’ relationships as time progressed, even if Jude’s was more complicated than I could have ever imagined. Cardan exiled her after all, so why he was moping around as if waiting for her to return was beyond my comprehension.
Regardless, here there were two faeries who were in love with mortal girls and they seemed to show it in very human ways. So why did Locke insist it was not the same for them?
I tried not to dwell on it. My future was secured. I had a home and protection. I didn’t think that there was more to seek besides that. If only Jude had made good on her promise to remove him from his position within the palace, then I think things would have been better. At least he wouldn’t have had more power to create his games.
Once I discovered I was pregnant I started secluding myself more and more within the estate. This caused Locke to become increasingly angry with me. He liked parading me around and then leaving me, and then returning again like his presence was a gift. If I wasn’t around he couldn’t play that game.
I still have nightmares of my bloodstained hands dragging his lifeless body to the water. The memory caused a deep ache in my chest. I am the one who killed him, yet I still somehow miss him.
No. It would be more truthful to say I miss the possibilities that died with him. The lies I told, the secrets I kept, the games I played, I endured it all and even risked my relationship with Jude for the promise of the future I wanted. I wanted to marry to secure my future, but I also wanted to marry for love. I wanted my husband to miss me and only have eyes for me in a crowded room. Someone who would protect me from pain, not instigate it.
But Locke was never going to be that person. I was foolish to believe in that fantasy for as long as I did. I had settled for a beautiful boy who loved games more than he would ever love me.
And my sister, my twin, found someone that looked at her like she was the sun after a century of darkness and she barely seemed to care.