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Ash has been thinking about sex for a while. Or, really, he’s been thinking about Eiji having sex. Not necessarily with Ash—Just the fact that Eiji has been alive for over two decades and is still a virgin.
And that it’s Ash’s fault.
He's considered asking if Eiji is comfortable with an open relationship. Not that Ash is interested in anyone else, of course. It would just be a way for Eiji to get his needs met. But Ash is fairly certain he knows how he’d react—he’d likely just insist that he doesn’t need anyone else. And that’s if he took it well enough to not think that Ash was asking because he was planning to leave Eiji and wanted to let him down slowly. Eiji doesn’t talk about it much, but Ash knows that he still has insecurities about not being good enough for Ash.
And how fucking ironic is that, right?
So no, that won’t work. But it’s not like Ash can just deprive Eiji of sex. It’s not fair, for him to hold himself back just for Ash’s sake. He's not worth it. They’ve been together for years, now—they don’t have an official start date to their relationship, but they’d been all but in love since before even the kiss in prison. And Ash is already a failure as a partner in enough ways without keeping Eiji away from something as inherently human as sex.
Just because Ash is ... is less than human and doesn’t want it.
So he makes a decision.
And one day, when Eiji kisses him good night, he kisses back a little more passionately. A little more expertly.
Eiji leans into it for a moment before pulling back, giggling. “What’s gotten into you?” he asks.
“I just love you,” Ash says. His voice is just breathy enough. “So much.”
“I love you too.” Eiji’s smiling. His voice isn’t heavy like Ash’s. He sounds sincere. Pure.
Ash moves with him, lips against lips, until the back of Eiji’s knees hit the bed. Eiji sits down, then moves up toward the headboard.
“Ready for bed?” Eiji asks. Oblivious or playing dumb, Ash isn’t quite sure which.
Ash gets onto the bed too, and crawls on top of Eiji. Knees apart a little, back arched a little, just like—like he was trained.
But this is Eiji. He’s done it for men he hated. He can do it for Eiji.
He can do anything for Eiji.
“Ash?” Eiji asks.
Ash leans down so that his mouth is almost against Eiji’s again. “I want to do it.”
Eiji looks skeptical. “You want … ?” he asks, though Ash is sure he knows.
“I want you, Eiji.”
“... Are you sure?”
Of course he’s sure. He’s been thinking about this for ages. About how he owes this to Eiji and needs to do this for Eiji and how Eiji deserves this and so much more.
“Yeah,” he breathes. “I’m sure.”
“Ash, if we ... if we do this, I think you should lead it.”
Ash shakes his head. “I can’t. I can’t hurt you,” he explains. “I want you to do it. I want you to fuck me however you want, or tell me what you want me to do for you.” I want you to use me whatever way will make you feel good, Eiji.
Eiji scrunches his nose up. “I don’t want to hurt you, either!”
Ash holds in a bitter laugh, compromising on a seductive smirk instead. “You won’t hurt me,” he insists, remembering to keep his voice breathy. Needy. “You can’t hurt me.” I’ve been gang raped by four adult men in a grimy prison library, and that was when I was grown enough for it to not damage me as much anymore. You could try to hurt me and you wouldn’t be able to. Not you, Eiji. Never you.
“Ash!” Eiji scolds lightly. “I don’t just want to ‘not hurt you.’ I want you to feel good, too.”
The word slips from his lips before he can stop it. “Why?”
Eiji’s eyes narrow. He immediately sits up and pushes Ash off of him. “No. We’re not doing this. Not now. You’re not ready.”
Ash grits his teeth, falling back to sit on his heels, kneeling on the bed. “No, Eiji, I didn’t mean that—I’m sorry—please, please, Eiji, please,” he begs, all rushed out in one breath. Then once more, this time whispered: “Please.”
“No, Ash!” Eiji all but glares. “Not unless you can honestly tell me that you want this for you, not just for me.”
And when the fuck did lying become so difficult? What happened to the Ash that could lie well enough to convince anyone that the sky is green and the grass is blue?
Or maybe that anyone has always excluded Eiji.
“Eiji, it’s fine, ” he says instead. “I want to do this for you. I’ve done it for so many others. I want to give myself to you.” If it’s for you, Eiji, I can do anything.
“If—and that’s if, Ash, not when—if we ever have sex, it’s not going to be something I do to you. It’s not going to be a favor to me. It’s going to be something that you want to do for your own enjoyment, just as much as I do.”
Ash shakes his head again. “That doesn’t matter. This isn’t a big deal for me. Just please, let me give this to you.”
“I don’t want to do it if you have to think of it as a gift!”
Ash tries to think if he’s ever seen Eiji’s gaze this angry before. Certainly never directed at him.
“I mean, I’ve been—” fucked senseless by men five times my age at the time. Used a dozen times in one night. “Doing it with you every day won’t be a problem for me.”
Now Eiji looks taken aback. Incredulous. “You already—Ash, we’ve hardly discussed this before and you’ve already resigned to forcing yourself every night?”
“It’s not ... forcing myself,” Ash tries. He shakes his head, frustrated. “I’m not worth it, Eiji!”
Eiji closes his eyes and takes a breath. When he opens his eyes, the glare is gone, and his entire expression is soft. “Not worth what?” he asks.
Ash looks down, unable to meet his eyes. “Anything,” he admits quietly.
Sighing, Eiji bites his lip for a moment. “How do I make you understand this?” He pauses, then says, “Put yourself in my shoes, Ash. Even if it weren’t ‘a big deal’ to me. Even if I wanted to do it for you, as a favor or a gift or repayment, or whatever else. If I didn’t want it, if I weren’t going to enjoy it, would you still want to?”
“That ...” Ash looks up and blinks at him, trying to figure out some error in Eiji’s logic. “That’s different. It is a big deal to you. This is—Eiji, I’m depriving you of a basic human need.”
Eiji tilts his head to the side. “You’re not depriving me of anything,” he says, seeming genuinely confused. “Do you need sex, Ash?”
“No, but I’m not—” he stops himself. Eiji won’t react well if he says out loud that he’s not human. But it’s true. More an animal than a person. More an object than a person. Eiji’s the only one who never seemed to see that.
Eiji waits, but Ash can’t bring himself to continue. Can’t figure out what else to say. Eventually, Eiji speaks again.
“So then what makes you think I need it? I didn’t my whole life before I met you, and that hasn’t suddenly changed now that I’m in a relationship.”
“I just ... don’t want you to ...” Ash hesitates. “I’ve taken enough away from you,” he settles on. Your innocence. Your happiness. Years of your life. Maybe the rest of it, if I can’t bring myself to leave you.
Eiji reaches out and traces the line of Ash’s jaw with his hand. It startles Ash, but it’s not a hungry touch. It’s not even asking for anything, let alone taking. He draws back before Ash can think to reciprocate the action with a touch of his own.
“You’ve given me so much more than you’ve taken,” Eiji says, barely more than a whisper.
Ash shakes his head. “No, that’s not true—”
“It is. I promise you. You’ve given me your love, Ash, and that’s more than I ever dared ask for. I don’t need anything else. Definitely not sex. Definitely not anything you’re not willing to give.”
“I am willing! I’m—”
“Maybe willing isn’t the right word,” Eiji interrupts. “Having your consent is more than you just being okay with it. I’d say I need your enthusiastic consent, but ...”
“I’m enthusiastic about it, too!”
“Exactly. That doesn’t quite work, here. You wanting it—or even being enthusiastic about it—for my sake doesn’t exactly count. And ... I know you’re not too familiar with consent and what counts or not. So you’ll have to trust my judgement on this one, okay? And unless you ever want this for your own pleasure, we’re not going to do it. And it’s okay if that doesn’t happen.”
Ash feels a slight burn in his eyes, and a brief anger at himself flares up. How did he manage to turn this into Eiji comforting him?
“You deserve someone who can give you everything you want. Everything you need,” he says.
“You do. I don’t want anything you’re not able to happily share with me.”
Ash didn’t miss his phrasing—he was expecting Eiji to say anything you’re not able to give. But of course Eiji wouldn’t want Ash to view sex as a gift. He’d made that clear already.
“Ash?”
Ash hums a response.
“Let’s go to sleep for tonight, yeah?”
He nods.
“Do you want me to hold you tonight until you fall asleep?”
Eiji does that for him, sometimes, on bad nights or after he wakes up from a nightmare. Or just on nights when they want to be closer.
“Actually—Eiji?”
“Yes, love?”
“Can I hold you tonight?”
Eiji smiles, and even with a soft and loving expression on his face, no trace of laughter, the space around him still visibly brightens.
“Of course. I would love that very much.”