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The sound of Kirari’s fingers turning the pages of someone’s life plan was like sirens in Ririka’s mind. With every flip of the paper, with every stroke of the pen, the masked girl knew she was running out of time and had to make a decision soon.
They were alone in the dining room of the Momobami estate, plates long forgotten and drinks long consumed. Whatever conversation that was to be had already happened, leaving the Vice President with no excuses to be there while her sister worked. However, the question burning at the back of her mind didn’t allow her to move, to gather her stuff and go upstairs, calling it a night.
The question on the back of her mind was one that’s been consuming her for quite some time, burning and scratching and hurting. Almost tattooed on her brain, the painful needle did its jobs as intrusive thoughts and horrendous what-ifs.
“I can feel your eyes burning my cheeks, sister.” Kirari settled the turmoil in Ririka’s brain without turning to face the latter. The Vice President had been caught, and she knew - even with a phrase as simple as the one that had just come out from her twin's mouth - that there was no turning back now, not when Kirari was involved in the equation.
Her younger sister never retreated, never hid, never tried to escape. Unfortunately, that very same politics which Kirari applied to her daily life was also the one she expected everyone around her to live by. So, Ririka couldn’t lie to her; Kirari would immediately know that she was lying, even with her mask on. Nor could she put the subject to rest, pretending it was nothing; once her younger twin set her mind on something, there was no telling what lengths she would go to obtain it. In short, the choice of dropping the subject and going to sleep had been stripped away from her, just like many, uncountable times before.
The thing is, the older girl couldn’t comprehend why Kirari saw through her lies and omissions; she couldn't find out how Kirari always got her way. Ririka had been trained in the art of manipulation just as Kirari had, they both have been submitted to the tireless games and endless punishments. But somehow, Kirari was better at it, and, almost eighteen years later, Ririka still didn’t know how that was possible.
Of course, the Vice President herself could see through almost anyone if she so desired; Ririka could pick on the subtle changes of breath, swallowing, and sweat; a technique much required when you were born into a family such as the Momobami. Still, Kirari was better than her at that... at least when it came down to them.
Ririka couldn't tell if it was from the training or the fact that they were twins. Maybe both. But again, weren’t they supposed to be the same? The same surname, the same family, the same house, the same parents, the same genes, the same face. Why Kirari... was so different? How could Kirari do things she couldn’t? But, most importantly... Could Ririka perhaps do things Kirari was unable to?
"If this is about the election-"
"It's not." Ririka interrupted her. Kirari couldn't recall when was the last time that happened.
"Oh?" A shimmer of surprise crossed the Head of the Clan's eyes when she looked up to her twin, the incessant pen scribbling coming to a momentary halt.
"I..." Ririka started, hesitantly, and just as soon as she saw the shock in her sister's irises glow, the Vice President watched it disappear. That struck a nerve. "I was wondering if..." A pen click, her patience was wearing thin. "Do you love Igarashi-san?"
A pen drop, followed by a burst of vicious laughter. The warmth in Ririka's face, invisible to anyone but herself, completed the scene at the dinner table. "Do I love Sayaka?" Life plan set aside, the Momobami head crossed her arms and put a finger on her chin, looking thoroughly amused. “Why the question?”
“I asked first.”
Kirari’s smile didn’t fade, not even in the slightest, with her sister’s denial. “Fair enough.” She shrugged. “But if we’re gonna have this kind of conversation...” Before Ririka could process what was happening, Kirari stood right in front of her, long fingers wrapped around her face. “... You won’t be wearing this hideous thing.” Without any struggle, the President took off her sister’s mask, discarding it somewhere at the table.
Ririka knew what that was. A test. Kirari was trying to read her, to find out exactly where she stood in this uncharted territory. Had Ririka changed so much she would summon up enough courage to call Kirari on her bullshit? Did Ririka truly want to know how her relationship with Sayaka worked? Or was she trying to see some glimpse of reflection at the walking mirror that was her twin?
The usually shy girl didn’t shrink, didn’t touch her face, didn’t look anywhere else but at her sister’s eyes. Ririka saw the icy exterior reflected on blue irises and didn’t know who it belonged to. Kirari seemed more than pleased with this outcome and returned to her seat.
“Very well. You’ve got to tell me... what do you think love is exactly, Ririka. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ll be able to answer your question.”
“No. No more tricks, no more shaping things to your will. The question... is quite simple, Rari. Do you love Igarashi-san? It’s a yes or no answer.”
Kirari’s nails against the glass table made a sound almost as alarming as the page-turning, echoing through Ririka’s head while she put every strength of her being on trying to control her breath so Kirari wouldn’t catch on how fast her heart was beating.
If she was being honest with herself, Ririka knew it was useless to demand such a straightforward answer from her sister; nothing was as simple as a yes or no answer with Kirari. Still, she had to try. She had to know if... Kirari could admittedly love someone, maybe...
“Oh well, if you won’t be so kind as to provide me the definition of love, shall we go with the Christian concept of it?” The sharp tone in Kirari’s voice didn’t show any kind of annoyance or displeasure, quite the contrary actually; Ririka could almost feel the satisfaction dropping from her lips. “Corinthians 13:4-8. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.” Kirari stopped the movement with her fingers, palm facing the glass. “It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.” Her voice didn’t tremble, didn’t stutter; it felt like Kirari rehearsed for this conversation she had no idea would happen. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” Not breaking eye contact for a single second with her twin, Kirari finished reciting the scriptures.
It didn’t come off as a surprise to Ririka that her twin had memorized some passages of the Bible, but it did surprise her that the versicle she chose to keep on her brain was the one about love. Perhaps... Kirari had the same doubts about the subject as Ririka.
“Never took you for a religious person.” It was all that the older girl added to the conversation. Kirari hummed, delighted.
“I am not. But it’s alluring to me how an invisible person, one that nobody could ever prove its existence at all, can hold so much control over the world. God has put so many chains around the globe throughout history, trapped the most powerful of men in His desires, made continents bent to His will... And no one is a hundred percent sure that He exists. A marvelous contradiction, is it not? How an extraordinary, metaphysical being wields such power in this material world.”
Well, that made sense. Kirari always had a liking for the unreachable, hadn’t she?
“But I know this is not the path you were hoping this talk would lead to." Her sister stated, matter of factly. "So, I’m obliged to make you a different question, even if you don’t feel like answering." Kirari paused, to give Ririka some time to absorb her next words. "Do you believe I could ever be so selfless as the Bible says? Do you think I’m capable of feeling the love dictated by God?”
The invisible weight those words carried. Kirari wasn't expecting an answer. The glint in those blue eyes and the mirth in her confident voice told Ririka those were very much rhetorical questions.
The older girl’s mouth dried up. She didn’t know how to proceed. The chill that went down her back had little to do with the room's temperature and more with how naturally Kirari announced she wasn't sure she could ever feel love, even when it came to the person she treasured the most. Suddenly, the oxygen at their home didn't seem enough to fill the Vice President's lungs and Ririka had to look anywhere else but her twin's eyes. Trying to steady herself, she put her hands on her lap, under the false illusion that Kirari wouldn't see how her fingers were fidgeting.
Glass table. Kirari's idea, mostly. It was practical and provided cleaner gambles... at least for amateurs. The head of the clan herself was way too experienced and had way too many tricks up her sleeve to let herself be intimidated by something as trivial as transparency. Always a step ahead, always a breath away, always seeing the bigger picture in her own twisted way. Perhaps it was useless to try to read Kirari, to try to understand her line of thinking, but Ririka would never stop attempting to do so, because if Kirari - the leader, the number one - was so messed up by her past that she couldn't feel love... Where did it leave Ririka? If the better version of herself was unable to feel such an emotion, how could Ririka? And if she couldn't feel the most universal of human emotions, then what was she besides her twin's shadow? It was very hard to breathe, indeed.
"Tell me, sister, have you ever heard of an author called Machado de Assis?" Once again, Kirari's voice pulled her out of her thoughts. If Kirari noticed how distressed Ririka was, she didn't show it.
"I'm afraid I haven't."
Kirari nodded.
"He was a brazilian novelist regarded by some as the greatest author of all time." The sound of her nails against the table started again. "But the curious part in his history is... he was born at a time when slavery was still legal in Brazil. And he was black. It's also very important to point out that Brazil was the last country in the world to abolish slavery, so you get an idea of how deeply rooted racism is in the country." Ririka couldn't see where this was going, but she didn't interrupt her twin. "The bottom line is, even though he was supposed to be a slave, his talent was such that no one could nor can deny that he's almost legendary."
At this point, Ririka was fed up. It was past eleven p.m. and she didn't ask for a latina literature class, especially when her sense of identity was slipping away from her hands.
"Your point, Kirari?"
"My point is... He broke free from the chains put on by the God-abiding men and became one of the most illustrious people ever. And, he did so while not believing in Christian love, if his work is anything to go by." Kirari slowly raised her hands and placed her chin on top of them. "My point is, he was ironical and sarcastic and spit back, through his books and novels, all the hypocrisy he saw in the brazilian upper class. My point is, to Assis, love was jealous and destructive and deadly. He almost made one of his characters give poison to his own infant son." The President let out a small chuckle. "But I would never poison Sayaka."
Kirari stood up, which made Ririka jump a little.
"My point is, dear sister, not the most powerful of gods nor the greatest of poets have quite grasped what my feelings towards Sayaka truly are; all of their sacred and golden texts have paled in comparison to what I feel for her. So, no, I wouldn't say I love Sayaka. This word... is not enough for the brightness in my chest and is all too much for the darkness that follows it."
The President took the life plan she was working on earlier and put it on her school bag, a movement so casual that no one who walked in at that moment would have guessed that Kirari Mombami had just given the most heart-open speech in her life.
Ririka didn't know how to feel about any of this. It wasn't any of the outcomes she could've predicted, but again, has Kirari ever been predictable? What Ririka could say - for certainty - is that Sayaka and Kirari's relationship was way beyond her understanding and maybe, this was for the best. Maybe... Ririka didn't have to reflect Kirari in every single aspect of her life. Maybe... Ririka could do things there weren't in her twin's reach and maybe, just maybe... that included love.
"Does my answer satisfy you?" Kirari inquired.
"I suppose it'll have to do."
Kirari openly smiled. She was just leaving the dining room, and Ririka almost thanked the skies that this conversation was over and her sister didn't bring up the question of why this talk had taken place at all, when Kirari turned around and the usual malice was back in her eyes.
"By the way, tell Mary Saotome I said hi."
With her smile looking a thousand times sharper, the President exited the room, leaving a very flustered Ririka behind.
The heart in her chest was beating a thousand miles per hour, but Ririka couldn't stop the incredulous smile from forming on her lips.
Her sister really was the most unbelievable person alive... and Ririka didn't feel disappointed over this.
Not even one bit.