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Yue Qingyuan has never stopped loving Shen Jiu, but the Shen Qingqiu he knows now is not the one that he grew up with. He tells himself that it's a good thing. He knows that it's a good thing. That qi deviation that Shen Jiu suffered over a decade ago enabled him to unlock the part of himself that found himself able to forgive, to let go of the tragedy of their mutual past, and to smile again.
He hadn't realized how much he missed Shen Jiu's smile until he was able to see it everyday. Yes, the man loves Luo Binghe and yes, Luo Binghe gets his smile the most, but Shen Qingqiu became the kind of person that always has a smile to spare for everyone, no matter what. It's bright and beautiful and Yue Qingyuan found himself wanting to see it more than anything else in the world. He had thought for years that for Shen Jiu to be happy again, it meant letting him do what he needed to do to train his disciples, even as he heard the rumors about what he did to the stars that shone naturally bright, but as he watched him adore the children after his illness, he wondered if he should have pushed him more.
If he should have forced him to hate him even more if it meant that he could have been happier.
Yue Qingyuan does not know what he should have done, and that's the hardest fact to accept of them all. He has had to accept so many things that he could not do anything to stop in life. He could not stop terrible men from touching him, the Qius from touching Shen Jiu. He could not stop himself from saying yes to everything Shen Jiu wanted even though it burned down others lives.
He doesn't know if it was the right thing to do. Actually, he does know that it was the wrong thing to do, but it was something of relief, being able to tell Shen Jiu yes and Shen Jiu being able to accept yes, caught in a mess of codependency that they never managed to extract themselves out of until Shen Jiu just collapsed one day and woke up almost a new man, breaking them both free in a way that Yue Qingyuan can't even begin to describe how relieving it was. He still asked him for things, but he knew that the qi deviation was the moment that Shen Jiu truly became Shen Qingqiu and Yue Qingyuan was no longer Qi-ge.
Even on this trip back to the town that they first met does not seem to stir anything inside of Shen Qingqiu. Not the paleness that would come over his face at the mention of it as he would before the qi deviation, hitting Yue Qingyuan with his fan as he begged him not to mention it again, until Yue Qingyuan gave into the plea because in truth, he did not want to talk about it either.
There's a large part of him that felt like talking about the past would be like opening a wound that had healed over an infection. Painful and awful and likely to make him scream, but it would make him feel better when it was done. But Shen Jiu was always fine to let the wound fester and stay, and Yue Qingyuan did not know how to open it without Shen Jiu's help.
Maybe if he had learned how to do it, he could have helped Shen Jiu. Maybe if he had shown him how much better one can feel without the pain of the wound infecting everything about him, then he wouldn't have gone into the qi deviation.
(Almost everyone else thinks the qi deviation was better. The only exception was Shang Qinghua. It had been while they were celebrating the wedding of Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe, the happy couple laughing and smiling as the sect cheered their love. They didn't notice the two people in the corner, one chugging drinks down until he ended up mumbling, "I miss him who he was better. Should have done better. Shouldn't have listened to everyone who said they didn't give a fuck. Grew a fucking backbone."
Yue Qingyuan had been sober the entire night. But he agreed with everything Shang Qinghua said.)
Yet, Shen Qingqiu doesn't offer up any complaints as they head back to this dark town, the one that makes fear curl up in Yue Qingyuan's gut. He thinks that much like everything horrid in his life, Shen Qingqiu has forgotten about it.
He knows it when he mentions the word "furnace" and Shen Qingiqu does not flinch, just tilts his head and raises his eyebrow, and suddenly Yue Qingyuan is filled with so much jealousy that he thinks it's choking him, because he wishes that he could forgotten the creaking opening of a door and the whisper to be good.
As an adult, Yue Qingyuan does not know how "good" he ever was. As a child, he had desperately believed that he could be good enough to stop bad things from ever happening to the people he cared about. That if he tried harder, Xiao Jiu would be safe.
He had tried so hard to be so good and it never felt like enough. He feels that he's still in that mind frame, even as a sect leader, even on top of the world. He has unlearnt so much, but it never feels fully gone from his mind.
(It always feels like one day someone is going to come to the sect and tell the world that their high and mighty sect leader was a whore that lived on the streets, that got to his knees whenever his Xiao Jiu was sick and needed medicine because men would only give money for one thing and one thing only.)
He smiles at Shen Qingqiu, who smiles back, blissfully unaware of their shared past. He swears to himself in that moment that he will make sure that Shen Jiu does not remember, because he will do everything he can to prevent it.
*
They leave for the town at dawn, the sun not even up, turning the sky blue and gorgeous. This has always been his favorite time of the day, the time when he can look up at the sky and feel peace settle over him because he knows that the world is innately peaceful and good. It was the time of the day when he felt like he actually belonged to himself, no owners yelling for him to clean, no owners demanding his body. When Shen Jiu was with him, he was always still asleep, tucking himself into his Qi-ge's arms.
The others are half-asleep, and he does not want them to come along with him, but Shen Qingqiu had asked Luo Binghe to come with him and Liu Qingge ended up following him because he always follows Shen Qingqiu, an act that would make Yue Qingyuan think something mean if he didn't know that he did the exact same thing for much longer. It is hard not to fall into Shen Qingqiu's spell, especially after the qi deviation. He became lighter and happier, and he connected to people in a manner that he had always desperately tried to do before, but had never succeeded. And now it comes so easily. Yue Qingyuan wished his own qi deviation had made things like human connection come so easily, but alas, he wasn't so lucky.
And he thinks that Shen Qingqiu had asked him to come as well, because after the qi deviation, Shen Jiu had lost his instincts for telling how men truly felt about him, how Liu Qingge wants him.
(Though for once, Shen Qingqiu is not wanted on his back, but to put someone on theirs.)
The town is only a few hours away, the sun not even having reached its peak in the sky by the time they land on the soft grass. Shen Qingqiu was so tired that he ended up falling asleep in Luo Binghe's arms, the younger man wrapping his arms around his husband with all the love and care in the world. It's a gentle moment, and Yue Qingyuan once again bites down his jealousy to just be happy that Shen Qingqiu is happy. It is much easier said than done, but he's getting better at pretending.
.
Liu Qingge's face twists into a sadness that he would love to indulge in as well, but he cannot find it in himself to allow that. It is okay for Liu Qingge, but not for himself.
There's a lot of things okay for others to do, but not Yue Qingyuan. It's a truth that he's always known.
Shen Qingqiu wakes up as soon as Luo Binghe picks him up to carry him the rest of the way to town, turning bright red and asking to be let down even though Yue Qingyuan can tell how much he loves it. It's strange, but after his qi deviation, desires of Shen Qingqiu that must have been so hidden away that not even Yue Qingyuan knew about them came to the top. And one of those things must have been the desire to be taken care of, pampered and adored and made to feel like he didn't have to do anything. It was a desire that Yue Qingyuan could see before the qi deviation, but he had always thought that it was about being respected. About being served himself and not having to worry about other people and their needs. It did not seem to be based in love, but Yue Qingyuan knows that there was a lot that he didn't know about Shen Qingqiu.
He likes to pretend that it doesn't kill him.
Luo Binghe puts him down like he's been commanded, but he's still smiling, laughing at Shen Qingqiu who can't help but smile back, hiding his face behind his fan, but Luo Binghe still manages to dip and sneak a kiss from his lips. The scene is more domestic than any that Yue Qingyuan has ever seen before, but it is standard for the two of them.
With a deep sigh, Liu Qingge disturbs them by sheathing his sword and heading into the town. "What exactly is happening here?" he demands, his voice sharp and commanding and respectful. He looks at Yue Qingyuan for answers, to ignore the fact that Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe are lost in their own world. Or really, Luo Binghe is lost in staring at Shen Qingqiu while Shen Qingqiu is doing his best to pay attention to what's going on around him, but Luo Binghe manages to keep distracting him.
"Strange reports," he says with a smile, bland as he can possibly make it. "Whispers of a dark energy that's killing many of the powerful men in town, so the remaining ones have written for our help in destroying it."
"We've come this way following whispers?" Liu Qingge asks with a frown. "Of dark energy?"
Yue Qingyuan nods. He knows that it is not the dark energy that Liu Qingge likes to fight, because whispers are hard for someone so use to meeting the truth head on. Liu Qingge often does not know what to do when he has to fight with things that are not physical, when he isn't even sure if his enemy exists. It is not a bad thing, Liu Qingge is also extremely hard to trick and someone that you will never doubt to stand by your side, but it makes him antsy in missions like this one.
But Shen Qingqiu was coming on this mission and so when a fourth was asked for (because the third would always be Luo Binghe), he volunteered without thinking about it.
"I know this town," he states, not wanting to go into more. Knowing that no one in this town that might know of Yue Qi would never think that the small child could be the sect leader they will be greeting, so he does not fear being caught in a lie that he never actually says. "There's a darkness here that one does not see on the surface. I do not doubt that with the smallest of kicks, we will overturn something."
Liu Qingge frowns. "Are you certain about this?"
About the darkness? Of course, he sees it in every nightmare he has. About the fact that what they will uncover will be something terrible? Yes, for it wasn't just the one master that beat and fucked him, he sold out his boys to other men for party favors. About the fact that there will be repercussions for the men or that the darkness here does not have a right to be here? He is not sure.
He can think of many boys and girls that would have reason to plague this town after they passed, and in fact the only thing he is surprised about is the fact that it is only known that the masters of this town have needed someone to come in fix it.
It's not far to the town gates, but Yue Qingyuan did not want to land within them, fearing how he would react if forced to look upon the men he once knew without the time to prepare, the ability to loosen his limbs from the long flight, and the ability to make sure that Shen Qingqiu truly has no memory of this place.
And it's all too clear that he has no such memory, because he's smiling pleasantly as they walk through the gates, looking at everything around him like it's the first time that he's seeing it, and it very well could be.
Yue Qingyuan cannot whisper how it isn't.
"You know this town?" he asks. "How? Did you stumble upon it during training? Or a nighthunt? It seems rather out of the way, but well, they were enough to call for us." He purses his lips and begins to muse. "It seems nice enough."
There's something wrong about hearing Shen Qingqiu use those words "nice enough" like it actually means something to him, like he honestly thinks that this is a nice time and not the place where Yue Qingyuan was terrified with every moment of his being. Tears water his eyes at the mention of it, and while he blinks them back quickly, he can't stop himself from whispering out, "No. The qi deviation must have taken this memory from you as well. This is the town where we met."
Shen Qingqiu freezes, his fan upon his lips, because his past is something that he hardly remembers, but he knows what happened well-enough to know what a terrible place it would have been if this is where they met. He nods shortly, and looks around, his gaze sharper, clearly trying to spot the rot that is hidden among this place that looks 'nice enough.'
Liu Qingge and Luo Binghe both frown, but do not push. Yue Qingyuan knows that Liu Qingge doesn't know of their shared past, and the fact that Luo Binghe isn't tearing down the place single-handedly shows that he doesn't know either. They both clearly chalk it up to something strange, but unimportant, though he's sure that Luo Binghe will push Shen Qingqiu about the truth later tonight.
They walk until they reach the mayor's palace, just as Yue Qingyuan remembers it. Old and well-taken care of, something beautiful to disguise the misery that goes on within these doors.
He wonders if his old master is alive. He had not thought to ask. He was a cultivator on the young side when he owned Yue Qingyuan, he could easily still be alive and well in his sixties or seventies, looking like a man in his fifties. Fear is trying to lock his legs, and he tries to remind himself that he faced down Tianlung-Jun, he can surely face down an elder.
But Tianlung-Jun does not rape ten year old boys, and that makes all the difference in the world.
He forces his back into a straight rod, as it's the only way that he's going to get through this doorway, and walks in.
It's not as big as he remembers it, though he supposes that's the terror of childhood. Everything is so much bigger than you remember. He can feel the watchful gaze of Shen Qingqiu on his back, knowing that this relates to their past and paying attention to Yue Qingyuan as he stiffly moves throughout the hallways. There is no one to greet them, something that Yue Qingyuan could not fathom when he was younger, so his old master had sure that everything was perfect for guests. He had believed big in the hospitality of his guests.
Yue Qingyuan was someone sent to service that hospitality often.
Liu Qingge is also watching him, for what he isn't sure, but the man is smarter than most give him credit for and he's likely figured out that there's something more to this town than Yue Qingyuan is letting on. He stands right behind him, a solid wall. Luo Binghe brings up the rear, and Yue Qingyuan sees him gripping his sword out of the corner of his eye, pretending like he's not paying attention when it's clear enough to Yue Qingyuan that he is. Shen Qingqiu had trained him well, and while he might not care about his sect lord's life, he will let no harm at all come to his husband.
"Zhangmen-shixiong," Shen Qingqiu asks. "What is this place?"
"The place where the darkness had to have been born," he states plainly, not wanting to talk about anything more, but unsure how else to define it. He remembers this place as the place where he was raped and beaten and given to so many men that he couldn't count. He remembers this place as being where he saw the worst of humanity before he turned twelve years old and his old master went bankrupt and he sold all his boys.
Yue Qingyuan had slept in a soft bed with the best sheets that money was possible to buy, but his time in the streets was so much better than any life he led in this palace, and any life that he ever could have lived here. On the street, he belongs to himself. His body was cold and hungry and sickly, but it was because of him, and when he sold himself, he kept the money.
It wasn't until that he had joined the sect and his shizun had been horrified the first time that Yue Qingyuan got on his knees and opened his mouth that he had an idea about how terrible his life had been for him to think of sex in such a way.
He does not want to think about it more.
It's not like there's no one in this palace, servants are looking up with surprised eyes, and various officials are looking at them with plain curiosity, but no one makes a move to ask who they are, what is their business here, or if they are the cultivators that were sent for.
Yue Qingyuan merely leads them into the throne room, figuring that someone will be there, and if not, he can demand the presence of the current mayor now.
He has that power, and for the first time in his life, Yue Qingyuan relishes it in a well that isn't simply well-earned pride, but sheer satisfaction that a little boy that people here assumed would live and die as a bedwarmer became a sect lord instead.
He takes great pride in the fact that they will never find out who he used to be.
"Inform your master that the cultivators from the Cang Qiong Mountain Sect are here," he demands from an old man that he remembers used to get his body as a reward. He liked to make Xiao Qi gag on his fingers as he forced him to take his cock. And now he is a bent and shriveled man while Yue Qingyuan stands tall as a sect lord, a cultivator, someone who could stop him with the wave of his hand if he ever tried anything ever again. "We are here to investigate the source of the darkness that is plaguing this town, and we want to get the full story to start our work as soon as possible."
The old man bows, and Yue Qingyuan wishes he could remember his name, but there's no way that's possible.
He learned to live with that fact a long time ago. He remembers how they all used to fuck him, but asking him how to remember what each monster was called in the daylight is too much for his brain for some reason, and he is too tired of torturing himself to question it.
He looks around the throne room, curling his lips as he sees that it looks exactly the same. He wonders who the new master is, what he's done to make this place look like a product of his old master.
His eyes raise up when he hears the heavy and confident footsteps of the man that must surely be the current master, and his heart drops in his stomach because oh, he can't forget this man's name, not just because Yue Qingyuan has a scar on his shoulder from where he was stabbed and the blood scooped up and made to prep him despite his screams, but because he was the master's son.
It looks like the son earned back all the wealth of his father, perhaps more, and he smiles at him with pleasant enough eyes, eyes that Yue Qingyuan would think nothing about if he did not know what this man was capable of doing.
Chao Zhixin.
"Welcome," he says, his voice as deep as Yue Qingyuan remembers, but not as deep as it gets in his nightmares, where he wakes up with hands touching him. "My apologies for having nothing prepared for you, when we received your letter, some of the ink was smudged and we thought that you meant you would be here by ten o'clock in the evening. Your fest will be ready then, but we do have your rooms prepared if you wish to retire for a period and rest."
Yue Qingyuan does not want to be in this man's prescience longer than he has to be, but he knows that he can't just get up and leave his sight, as tempting as the thought is. He has to sit down and be good, because otherwise things could happen to the sect that Yue Qingyuan will have to deal with that will be a lot more annoying than sitting through a couple of feasts for a man that wants to flaunt his wealth.
He smiles tightly and nods his head. "I think we will do that. And after the feast, we will talk about the darkness in this town and how we can aim to stop it."
Normally, he would insist on being debriefed right now, but he knows the rich men in this town well enough to know that they can survive a night of fear. Yue Qingyuan survived his own fair share.
*
This room is so much bigger than the one he used to sleep in, with windows that overlook the garden and in a quiet corner of it no less. It's a beautiful room, one that was only reserved for the most honored and revered of guests.
It will not be the first time that Yue Qingyuan has slept in it, but it will be the first time that he will be sleeping in it alone, no one next to him, on top of him, inside him. He will be able to sleep in this bed and he won't fear being hurt.
He knows that it is not possible. He hurts too much for him to do anything other than feel it in this palace, his stomach twisting itself into knots as he imagines the people that are inside these walls that would know Xiao Qi if they ever saw him again, but would not recognize Yue Qingyuan.
He was not given the name Yue by his parents, like Shen Qingqiu had been given Shen. His mother had the name, though how she got it neither of them know and he knows that it's likely that Shen Qingqiu doesn't even know who gave his surname. His mother had been a slave, a favorite of her master, giving him three strong sons and then a beautiful daughter, but tragedy had struck when the man died and the wives and concubines turned on this slave girl with more children than they had produced, the clear favorite despite being the lowest in the household, and had sold her and each of their children off.
Shen Qingqiu had been Shen Jiu who had been Shen Yuan, once when he was younger and not a number and his mother had named him her greatest of "escape," but he had never gone back to Shen Yuan even after everything. Yue Qingyuan had never known why, but he was forbidden from actually saying his name, and Yue Qingyuan had gone along with it out of love.
His name had been taken from a book, as Shen Jiu had always known the basics of reading and Yue Qingyuan had taught himself, picked because he liked the image of a mountain high in the sky where no one could ever hurt it. He had thought that was the dream, had felt like Cang Qiong Mountain Sect was the answer to the childhood fantasy, but nothing ever lived up to the fantasy.
He doesn't remember his parents, if he had them at all. He thinks that they were poor and died out of cold or hunger or sickness and he was given to relatives with too many children and problems of their own, with no love in their heart for a small child that was lost and alone, and had sold him to slavers to warm themselves for the next few weeks, not caring about the life they were condemning Yue Qingyuan into.
He only thinks this based on the memories he has, two or three he thinks.
He doesn't know the truth and he doesn't want to either.
With a deep breath, he carefully opens the windows and tries to breathe in the fresh air, trying to ignore how his chest constricts when he thinks about what happened to him in this room, in this palace, in this town. He had wanted to come to protect Shen Qingqiu and to face old demons, but Shen Qingqiu no longer needs his protection and he thinks that these old demons are going to win, his heart beating rapidly as he thinks about just how people here could destroy his reputation, his life, his everything if they put the pieces together and told the world.
His forehead is sweaty like he's hot, but his entire body is cold he suddenly realizes, through a roaring in his ear, and he sits down and hugs his legs close to him, rocking back and forth like a small child in distress. There's a part of him that wants to tell Shen Qingqiu that he has urgent business back at the sect, but he'll send Mu Qingfang as soon as he gets back and they will still have the four people needed for this.
Yet he can't actually do that, for a number of reasons that he hopes will make sense when he's able to think past the pounding of his head. The main one, thumping around in his mind, is that as long as he's here, he can stop them from discovering anything to do with his past by carefully blocking them in a way they won't question, but if someone else comes, then they might discover the thread that they can pull.
He stands up on uncertain legs, knowing that he shouldn't be walking right now, but knowing that if he does not move around right now, he doesn't know when he'll be able to stand up again.
His robes are overbearing, the nausea bubbling up in his throat and he tries to gag it down, but it's a losing battle and he ends up throwing up in the chamberpot, tears squeezed out of his eyes as he desperately begs his mind to calm down. He did not want the touch of these men, he does not want to be here. Not even as the man who returns a brighter star than they could ever dream of being, because being made here feels like it's suffocating him, drowning out all the light that he's ever managed to produce.
A knock on the door and Shen Qingqiu's soft voice wafts in, asking him if he's okay, and Yue Qingyuan forces out an answer like he's okay and he isn't dying in this room.
He had thought that he would die in this house, there's something very strange to him that he doesn't know that he's back, and he wonders if he's tempting fate. He wonders about what he might do that could tip someone off about the truth, and it makes the fear churn in his gut, makes him want to throw up again. He presses the back of his hand to his mouth, and closes his eyes, breathing in through his nose as he attempts to steady himself.
"Do you want to come with me for a walk in the garden?" Shen Qingqiu asks next, and Yue Qingyuan wants more than anything in the world to say no, but he's never been very good at that. His eyes are open, walking to the door before he can stop himself as he pulls it open to be created by Shen Qingqiu, dressed in his usual whites and greens, looking no worse for the wear in being back in this house. Yue Qingyuan finds himself burning in jealousy over that fact, that Shen Qingqiu has been given the blessing for forgetting.
But how exactly can he say that? How can he look in the eyes of the boy-turned-man-turned-husband to a man that Yue Qingyuan does not like, but would die for him all the same, and say that he wished that he remembered this pain? He cannot do it. He hates that he even thinks it. He just gives him a tight smile and nods. Perhaps the fresh air will help him. He certainly won't know until he tries.
He closes the door behind him, and they slowly walk to the garden together, nodding at the servants who keep their own heads down. Yue Qingyuan watches to see if recognition would flicker in any of their eyes, if any of them would try to place them or if they would just assume that they were rich young masters that just blended in with all the others that passed through these walls.
When they reach the garden, out of the eyes of others and the relief of freedom spreading throughout his veins, he tilts his head up to the sky like the peach trees that he's standing next to. It's a relief to be standing here, taking in the fresh air, even though he knows that Shen Qingqiu is waiting to badger him with questions.
When he's ready, at least as ready as he thinks he can be, he takes a step into the garden, opening his eyes.
The garden is peaceful and still, peach and plum trees with the fruit hanging down, ripe enough that you could easily reach up and pluck them to eat. The sky is a shining bright in the sky, and if this where any other place, Yue Qingyuan would think that it would be pleasant to pass the time here in the company of others, but he remembers that peach tree, where the current master of this house pressed him against and fucked him.
He was eleven.
He swallows down his bile, and turns to look at Shen Qingqiu, who looks at him with worry. "Yue Qingyuan, how bad was our past here?"
How can he begin to explain? How can he start to talk about this? He has no idea. He cannot tell Shen Qingqiu the complete truth, but he's going to have to tell enough of it so that he thinks that he's being told all of it.
He takes a deep breath. "What do you remember about your life before the qi deviation?" He's never truly asked, though he thinks that Shen Qingqiu lost more than he states. And the fact that he turns pale as soon as he asks is proof enough of that in his mind.
He looks down at his hands, the wood of the fan creaking slightly in his grip. He doesn't say anything for a moment, but it's okay. Yue Qingyuan can wait. And soon enough, he's rewarded when Shen Qingqiu begins to speak. "I remember being sold into the Qiu household and some flashes of memory there, and I remember taking in Luo Binghe and his . . . his tea ceremony. That is all."
Yue Qingyuan feels like he is struggling to breathe. He had known that Shen Qingqiu had forgotten many things, and he figured that he secretly forgot even more that he didn't want to say, but to find out that Shen Qingqiu truly remembered so little of his life. . . . It breaks his heart. And no wonder he has been so much kinder since his qi deviation! He has no painful memories in his life to hold onto, except for him being sold into the Qiu household, and without all the memories of their relationship, his sense of betrayal does not exist. He has fooled them all for so long and so well, and Yue Qingyuan berates himself for not noticing before. He should have noticed before. He should have tried to care more, though it seems impossible.
"Why did you never tell us that you remembered so little?" he's eventually able to force out.
Shen Qingqiu ducks his head. "I truly can't say," he whispers. "It didn't feel like I needed to. I knew I was somewhere safe, and I listened to my heart when it came to making my decisions, and I strove to change the behavior that would have been assumed from me and that I didn't like. Even though I didn't know my life, I still had basic morals and I did my best to live up to them. In many ways, I failed, but I like to think that I succeed in just as many.
Yue Qingyuan can't honestly say anything in response to that, his head whirling around as he tries to think about what he should say next. He can feel Shen Qingqiu's gaze on him, looking at him with worry. "I'm sorry," he states, and Yue Qingyuan believes it. "I wish that I could be the person that I was again for you, because that was the person you loved, but I cannot be anything other than me as much as I possibly can be. I wish I could return him to you and still be me, but I don't know how to do that and I don't know how to bring him back." He lays an arm on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry he's gone," he chokes out, tears clear in his voice just as Yue Qingyuan realizes that he has them on his cheeks. "I really wish that things were better."
Yue Qingyuan remembers almost everything he can about growing up with Xiao Jiu by his side, because Xiao Jiu has always been the most important thing in his mind. He cannot comprehend a world where he does not know who Xiao Jiu is, but Shen Qingqiu was able to live and even thrive in a world where he didn't know who his Qi-ge was.
Proving once and for all that Yue Qingyuan is just someone that has always kept Shen Qingqiu from realizing his true potential.
He clasps a hand over his mouth before the sobs can fall out, and he doesn't know why this is hitting him so hard, except perhaps it's because he's in the place where he became Qi-ge, where he became a slave, where he started dreaming about having a better life, and now he is Yue Qingyuan, he's a Sect Lord, and he has that better life that he dreamed about, with the boy he dreamed of sharing it with married to someone else and no memories of him.
He clutching onto the bark of a tree, sinking onto his knees, Shen Qingqiu joining him as he rubs his back. "I'm so sorry," he says. "I'm so sorry that I can't bring him back."
He uncovers his mouth just enough to whisper, "This is the place where we met," and oh that sharp intake of breath is all he needs to know that Shen Qingqiu realizes what a big thing he's saying is. "This is the place where we were owned for the first time in our lives." He can't even open his eyes, he's crying too hard. "Xiao Jiu, I'm so glad that you don't remember, but I do . And it kills me inside to know that I am the only one who's going to remember this for the rest of our lives."
He shrugs off the hand. "Please let me be alone to compose myself."
Xiao Jiu wouldn't have listened, but Shen Qingqiu does.
*
Yue Qingyuan doesn't allow himself to remain too long in the garden, forcing himself to stand up and walk back to his room where he can try to put his troubled thoughts in order. It's becoming very clear that he cannot remain here for much longer. Every moment brings a stab of memories, and knowing that Shen Qingqiu cannot fundamentally understand it just makes it worse.
He sits on the floor, and attempts to mediate until dinnertime, forcing his mind to clear up as it stubbornly refuses to, until he hears a soft knock on his door and a quiet "Sect Leader Yue?" He stands up on shaking legs and opens the door to a soft-looking servant girl, who curtsies as she leads him to the dining hall.
He is given the position of guest of honor, and throughout the meal, he grips his robes as he tries not to scream. Shen Qingqiu watches him carefully, something close to pity in his eyes, and Liu Qingge watches him with something unreadable. He's sure that Luo Binghe knows that something is off with him, because he's deftly making himself the center of attention on what Yue Qingyuan is positive is Shen Qingqiu's orders. And they all nod in agreement when Yue Qingyuan says that after the dinner, they would prefer to track down this spirit so as to make sure that no more men come to harm in this town.
In reality, Yue Qingyuan can't give a shit, but he knows that he can't actually let these men die as much as he would want to, and the look of relief in their eyes is enough to make him tell himself that this is worth it.
And there does seem to be less slaves around here.
(Shen Qingqiu whispers to him as the meal winds down that the reason for that is that the third man who started to be haunted had in desperation freed his slaves, and his haunting stops. Other men had followed suit, but some were still haunted for reasons that no one knew, but at least for some men in time, the lack of slaves was enough to free them. Yue Qingyuan knows that each and every single man that was killed before they arrived is a man that raped him, and cannot find it in himself to wish this spirit ill.)
(This spirit is the savior that he wanted as a young child.)
*
Shen Qingqiu is fidgeting as they leave to go to the house that has experienced the latest hauntings, the home cleared for the night of all living life while talismans had been set up over the day by Liu Qingge and Luo Binghe (and Yue Qingyuan can only imagine how that ended up, and he was sure that Shen Qingqiu had to scold these two grown men like little boys).
He's not the only one picking up on the oddness. Liu Qingge and Luo Binghe seem to know as well that something is off about him. His hands are twisting the fan in his hands over and over again, his eyes flicking to the side, and he keeps on opening his mouth and then closing it as he seems to be rethinking whatever he's about to say. Yue Qingyuan wants to ask him what he wants to say, but he trusts that Shen Qingqiu will tell them soon enough.
They walk into the house, Yue Qingyuan not recognizing it at all despite knowing the owner of it, a man that had never looked so scared when he was above Yue Qingyuan. He had managed not to smile at it, but he had desperately wanted to.
While both Liu Qingge and Luo Binghe shiver as they walk into the house, Yue Qingyuan feels a strange sense of calmness and ease settle over him as they head towards the source of the energy. Shen Qingqiu is frowning, still fidgeting, and just closes his eyes and sighs at what point as they get closer.
He stops in the middle of the hallway, waving Luo Binghe and Liu Qingge ahead. They go, Luo Binghe with a pout, and Shen Qingqiu turns to Yue Qingyuan, grabbing his shoulder as he looks at him with desperation.
"I need you to listen to me," he says, looking at him with wide green eyes. "And believe me when I say that from the moment I truly met you, I respected you. Please don't doubt that."
Yue Qingyuan blinks in surprise as he looks at him. "Shen-"
"Don't say that name," he hisses. He shakes his head, tears in his eyes as he blinks them away. "You're going to hate me after this, and you're not going to want to let me bear that name. And I won't blame you." He takes a deep breath. "The qi deviation. . . . A decade ago, the qi deviation that Shen Qingqiu went through didn't erase his memories. Didn't alter his personality. Didn't do anything except kill him." Yue Qingyuan feels his body grow cold as he watches Shen- as he watches his mouth move. "I was . . . I am from another world, where this one only exists as a story. I had just died, and somewhere in the universe, someone made the decision that I should move into this body. That my ultimate fate would be to change the fate of Shen Qingqiu from a horrific death, and only if I followed the commands I was given. Only if I never told anyone a single soul." He sobs, the tears falling freely down his face. "I might die right now. I have no idea. I've never even told Binghe."
He pats Yue Qingyuan's robes gently, but Yue Qingyuan wants to run away and break free from the grip, turn on his heel and run , do anything to face the awful and terrible truth of the man standing before him is literally not the man he thought he was, but he cannot make himself move. He can only stare as he finds his entire body turning to icy fear. "I think this spirit is the original Shen Qingqiu. Shen . . . Shen Jiu. It makes sense to me, all the signs. . . . I never knew what happened to him after I woke up, and somehow he ended up here, killing all these men." Sharp eyes in a tilted head. "I have an idea of what happened to him before he ran away from the Qiu household. I have an idea about what happened to you. All the men. . . . Where they. . . ?"
"They all hurt me," Yue Qingyuan says, from somewhere far away as the blood rushes around him. "But they didn't hurt him. He wasn't hurt. . . . I made sure. . . . No one raped him until I couldn't be there to stop them." He finally manages to take a step back, walking towards the doors where Shen Jiu likely is. Hopefully is. Or perhaps he shouldn't hope that.
He wants to believe that Shen Jiu has been resting in peace for a decade, but he wants to see Shen Jiu to know that this is actually real, that the man standing next to him isn't really the boy he loved.
Luo Binghe is thrown out of the room, landing against the wall, his eyes snapping towards the body that holds the imposter with a shocked look on his face, and Yue Qingyuan does not care enough to listen to this truth again. He strides into the room, where a surprised Liu Qingge is locked into battle with a snarling-
With a Shen Jiu with more anger on his face that Yue Qingyuan had ever seen in real life.
"Pathetic," he whispers. "Stupid and pathetic for not seeing the truth, when you had to have known that there was no way that I would ever want you, when you had to have known that trailing after me like a lovestruck dog would have done nothing but earn my ire-"
"Xiao Jiu," Yue Qingyuan interrupts him for the first time in his life, and Shen Jiu jumps, and turns his eyes towards him. The hate in them tears at Yue Qingyuan's heart, his throat threatening to choke over how much hate he carries within him over Yue Qingyuan, and yet, he's choosing to dedicate his afterlife to destroying the lives of those that made Yue Qingyuan's early life absolute hell.
He falls to his knees, tears in his eyes, blurring so that he can't see him. "I'm sorry," he chokes out, because what can he say when he realizes he never knew the truth. "I'm so sorry that I never knew." He wants to kill himself over this guilt, when he should have realized it long ago.
He cannot hear Shen Jiu walk up to him, but he feels the cold hand on his hair, the hands pulling in it to drag his head up, the hard face above him. "I always knew that you would be happier if I wasn't so broken," he says plainly, no emotion in his voice at all. "I appreciate the confirmation, Qi-ge ." He snarls the last word and it's like a knife through his stomach. "You always wanted someone happier, not me."
No. No, that isn't true. He missed Shen Jiu, even though he didn't realize it was two different people. He missed the boy that he grew up with, hating that he had lost his memories and so couldn't be him. He had hated himself for years for denying Shen Qingqiu the happiness he now had for Yue Qingyuan's selfish desires.
"Bullshit," he hears behind him, coming from Shen Qingqiu's mouth, but it's not Shen Jiu's. "This man loved you," he says. "More than anything in the world."
Yue Qingyuan turns his head to tell the imposter to shut up, but he doesn't, ignoring Liu Qingge's eyes on him as he strides towards him with careful moments. "He's loved you for years. Always took care of me, but he was disappointed because I wasn't the man he loved." The imposter shakes his head. "You deserved a lot more than you got. And I'm sorry you weren't able to find a way to make your life happy. And I don't begrudge you for how you went after these men, they deserve every ounce and scrap of pain they went through. But you need to let it go now." His eyes flick towards Yue Qingyuan. "If you want. . . . If you want to feel better, you need to go." He takes a deep breath and stands up straight. "And if you need to take me with you, then do it."
The imposter closes his eyes, and waits.
Shen Jiu does nothing other than stare, his face contorted with pain and rage and anger, all things that Yue Qingyuan had so desperately missed seeing on his face. "Who do you think you are to command me?"
"Depends," the imposter fires back. "How much of my life have you seen?"
"I won't leave," he hisses. "You cannot make me. Finally, someone sees me again. Finally, someone acknowledges my existence. Finally, I will be able to be loved again, and do you really think you can do anything about that so it will be better than to return to nothingness where I'll eventually become nothing more than an ant? Or worse, I'll kick someone out of their body so they can scream for a decade while no, not one person, who has known them for years, realizes? That people have always wanted someone more pleasant and kind and caring? That at the end of the day, they'll look the other way so they can live in the fantasy of who they wanted me to be without seeing that I would never be their precious ideal?" He grabs Yue Qingyuan's hair harder. "Do you really think that you have any right to tell me what to do?"
"I don't!" he shouts. "I don't know what I fucking want from you, but I just want you to have some happiness in your godforsaken life, because if you've seen enough of my life to have seen the truth about the sword, you know about everything else!"
"Well, I am not that man," Shen Jiu screams, his face red.
"I fucking know you aren't now! And I wish I could give you something to make this okay, but I know I can't, except my life, and considering the fact I'm still standing, I don't think you really want to." He rocks back on his heels, tears staining the imposters cheeks. "You should move on. You should find happiness." He reaches his hand out. "If you can't do it now, that's okay. Just stop with the killing, as deserved as it is, and come back with us. We can . . . we can help you."
Shen Jiu stares at the hand. He stares at the imposter's face. He makes it emotionless, and then before Yue Qingyuan can blink, he's gone.
The imposter stands there awkwardly, before his eyes turn to Yue Qingyuan. He looks back, and without thinking about it, he runs.
He doesn't know where he's running towards, but he ends up on a hill, curling into himself as he slides down, his head in his hands as he closes his eyes. He hears footsteps following after him, a rough "Zhangmen-xiong," and he knows that it's Liu Qingge. He doesn't really want to talk to him, he doesn't really want to talk to anyone, but he doesn't dissuade him.
.
And when he starts to cry, silent tears finally running down his cheeks, he hears nothing from Liu Qingge either.
But when Liu Qingge wraps an arm around his shoulders, hesitant but determined, it's when the damn breaks, his tears coming faster, jerking sobs pulled from his chest as he realizes that his Xiao Jiu has been dead for years, the pain that he has pushed back for so long absolutely refusing to be quiet any longer. His head falls onto Liu Qingge's shoulder, and time blurs together.
How long he cries, he doesn't know.
He thinks he falls asleep, though he isn't certain, but he wakes up to a dark sky and Shen Qingqiu sitting across from him. Two Shen Qingqiu's, one alive and vibrant, the other intangible and furious, but they are merely looking at each other, not trying to kill each other. Luo Binghe is sitting next to the living Shen Qingqiu, looking between them in nervous fear. Yue Qingyuan's head has ended up in Liu Qingge's lap, and now he's pretty sure that he fell asleep, a hand carding through his hair. He doesn't want to sit up, but he knows that he has to force himself to do it while all eyes turn on him.
The human Shen Qingqiu smiles and the ghost Shen Qingqiu's lips curl, and Yue Qingyuan realizes two things, contradictory and both painful, but both equally true.
He missed his Xiao Jiu.
He likes the imposter's kindness.
He was so happy that his Xiao Jiu forgot all the pain in his life.
He was so happy to have someone that didn't hurl insults at him, as much as he deserved them.
Guilt spreads through his mind, choking him, and he looks away from them.
"I told them everything that I told you," the imposter says gently. "I thought that there was more than you should be awake to hear if you're interested." He bites his lip. "And if you feel the need to punish me for the lies I've told. . . ."
Luo Binghe's hand goes to his sword at that statement, clearly ready to fight for his shizun no matter what, but Yue Qingyuan shakes his head. He has no interest in punishing the imposter now. What can he do? It's been a decade and the sect is thriving, Qing Jing Peak especially and more than it ever did with Shen Jiu in charge and disciples terrified of him. He believes the imposter when he says that he didn't kill him, the fact that Shen Jiu isn't tearing his throat out is proof enough of that.
"We'll figure the rest of this out later," he says. He has a lot that he needs to do later. "But right now, we need to figure it out. . . ."
"How to make me move on," Shen Jiu spits out. "Don't worry, I'm well-aware of what you lot have to do for me." He glares at Yue Qingyuan. "You don't have to worry about me fighting you. And I'll go just after you tell me one thing."
"Anything," Yue Qingyuan whispers, getting into a kneeling position as Shen Jiu stands up, walking towards him with something unreadable in his eyes. "I'll tell you anything that you need to hear."
Pain crosses through Shen Jiu's eyes as he asks carefully, "Why did you never tell me the truth? About anything?" He gestures towards the direction of the town. "Why did you never tell me that you were being forced as a child to be a bedwarmer for the rich men? Why did you never tell me what you did for me when I was sick? Why did you never tell me how you got that stupid sword of yours in the first place? Why the fuck didn't you trust me?" to
Tears blur his eyes once again, but he forces himself to speak as he whispers out, "I loved you too much to hurt you." A sob falls out of his throat. "And I just didn't think about how I was hurting you by not telling you the truth. If I could- I would now. I would tell you everything." He forces out his next words. "I understand if you don't forgive me, Xiao Jiu, and I understand if it means nothing, but please never doubt how I feel for you. Please."
A gentle gust of air blows against one of his cheeks, and he looks up in surprise to see Shen Jiu crouching down in front of him, one ghostly hand on his cheek. He takes a deep breath. "When I say these words, I know I'm going to leave," he gets out, his own voice tear-stained. "So give me just a moment to look at your face." He cocks his head to the side. "I don't know where I'm going after this, but I don't want to forget this." Silent tears run down his face, ghostly and clear. "I want this to be the last thing I ever see."
The world is quiet, not even insects making noise, giving them the kindness that they were denied when they were younger. He doesn't know how long that he gets lost in Shen Jiu's eyes before he sighs and whispers, "I forgive you."
The smell of freshly cut bamboo fills the air, Shen Qingqiu's body becoming bamboo flowers as he begins to move to whatever his next life is going to be. Yue Qingyuan can't stop the shuddering sobs that fill his body as Liu Qingge places a hand on his shoulder. Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe don't say anything either as they watch him breakdown.
He closes his eyes and whispers a prayer, the wind ruffling his hair as peace blooms in his heart.
