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TONI
Toni thinks about not going.
Dr. Miura, in their session, had asked about foster care and her mother and because Toni trusts her she had answered and then she had broken one of Dr. Miura’s vases, the nice one with the hand-painted flowers.
Toni had liked that vase. She’d always start counting flowers when things became too real in therapy, when she needed a distraction from whatever they were talking about, and now she had broken it.
The way Toni broke most things.
Dr. Miura had said it wasn’t anything to feel bad about, had gone through their usual breathing exercises with her, but Toni wasn't stupid, could see the flinch the therapist had tried to conceal when she’d seen all the beautiful shards on the floor.
Toni had looked at them and seen herself, a hundred little pieces, even now, years later when things were good, better than they’d ever been. When she was happy.
Sometimes these feelings creep back into her, as they probably always will, Dr. Miura had told her once. Healing, as Toni had been assured, was not a linear process.
“And you’re doing just fine.“ Dr. Miura said.
Toni had still broken the vase though.
She had left Dr. Miura’s office, twenty minutes away from campus by bus, at half past five, and only then remembered that they were supposed to go out tonight.
Their favorite bar, the one in perfect walking distance from the dorms, had karaoke night and Fatin had made them promise.
“I haven’t forgotten about the bet.“ she’d said, which had made Rachel groan. “You and me, Reid! And a duet of my choosing!“
Toni opens up their group chat, hands hovering over the keyboard, and thinks about canceling, saying something about a headache, or maybe even the truth.
Therapy was hard, she's having a shitty day.
Shelby’s contact picture lights up her screen before she can, a photo from the time they'd been paint balling, all cool pose and safety gear, shoulder length blonde hair tucked behind her ears, paint rifle pointed threateningly at the camera. Toni knows she’s smiling like an idiot and it really is annoying sometimes, being this in love.
“Hey you.“ she answers the phone, like a dork.
“Hey.“ Shelby’s voice is a little breathless and Toni knows she’s probably on her way to her last class of the day, because her Wednesday's really are disgustingly long. “How was therapy?“
Toni scuffs her shoes against the cement, watches a cat scurry across the street.
She shrugs, even though Shelby can’t see.
“Fine.“
Shelby’s quiet for a moment and Toni notices the sound of wind in the background stopping which means that Shelby must have stopped too. Toni will probably make her late and she knows how much Shelby hates not being on time.
“You okay?“
Toni’s still not quite used to this, to someone aside from Marty being able to pick up on her moods through only one word, even though it’s been about two years now. And it’s not just Shelby but all the others too.
Fatin with her smirks and raised eyebrows, Nora with her unnerving stares, Rachel the slight tilt of her head, with Dot it’s pointed fingers and Leah nudged shoulders.
It’s scary and a comfort at the same time, having people know her so well.
“Yeah, just, you know.“ Toni never said she was the best at communicating her feelings, only that she’s been getting better.
It doesn't matter anyway, since Shelby still gets what she means.
“Yeah, I know.“ her voice is all kinds of soft, the kind that Toni likes to think is reserved solely for her because, sure, Shelby may seem open and friendly and honest with everyone she meets but Toni knows that she’s one of the only people who get’s this side of her, the quiet one, the really real one.
Just as there are parts of her reserved for only Shelby.
“You still wanna go tonight?“ Shelby is walking again, faster this time as shown by the slight hitch in her breath.
Toni blinks into the sun, grinds her teeth in the way she’s been trying to stop since her dentist told her it was fucking up her jaw.
“I don’t know, I guess so. Watching Rachel be forced to butcher a High school musical song is probably gonna make me feel better.“
She realizes it’s the truth as soon as she says it, knowing that holing up in her dorm room won’t fix her mood.
“Alright, let me know if you change your mind. I’ll probably be late, I have to do this group project and two of the others can only meet tonight.“
Toni winces.
“Ugh your day really is never ending.“
Shelby’s laugh on the other end warms her up from the inside out, makes the anger that’s still simmering so tightly coiled in her stomach loosen a little.
“I knoow. Okay, I gotta go. Love you.“
“Love you too.“
It’s still a miracle to Toni, that she gets to hear and say those words whenever she wants, like they are the most normal things in the world.
That there’s someone out there that makes her believe, everyday: “you matter you matter you matter.“
///
FATIN
Rachel is hard to shop for. By “shop“, Fatin of course means “find a song that will best embarrass her while also getting her to loosen up a little“.
She thinks of Justin Bieber, first, but Fatin has been to the gym with Rachel (a big BIG mistake by the way. That girl was hardcore.) and she’s sure she’d seen JB on her workout playlist, and not just, like, one song.
There isn't really a good duet by him anyways and Fatin doesn’t want to just watch the fun, she wants to be part of it.
Maybe give Dot a lap dance while they're at it, watch Shelby (freshly liberated but still a little bit of a prude, which isn't a bad thing, she's not judging) blush up to her ears.
So no Justin Bieber.
She’s going through other options in her mind while winging her eyeliner just right, looking at herself in the mirror. She looks hot, of course. Body draped into this short little green dress that makes her skin look fantastic and her legs never ending.
Fatin isn’t necessarily looking for a hook up tonight, is actually excited for a girls night since exams have just ended and they haven't all been out together in weeks.
It never hurts to look her best though and she likes when people notice her, nothing bad about that.
She might even wear heels since they’re not going out dancing, that cute little pair she’d bought while drunk online shopping a few months ago that hadn't seen any action yet.
No Justin Bieber. That still left a lot of options.
ABBA had been on her mind, mostly because she and Leah had watched Mamma Mia 2 a few days back, Fatin because of Lily James and Leah because of Josh Dylan, that white bread of a man, and they had totally been crying at the My love My life scene.
But ABBA’s not embarrassing enough and she can always sing Chiquitita later with Shelby, it’s one of their go to songs anyway.
No, Rachel deserves something special for betting that she’d be able to drink more tequila shots than Fatin. (They had both violently thrown up afterwards but in Fatin’s humble opinion that had only brought them closer as friends and also, was nothing compared to the oyster debacle that had almost killed them.)
She’s been texting ideas back and forth with Nora for the last hour and it’s only when Nora texts her that Rachel used to have a Jonas Brothers phase that it hits her.
“Youre a genius Nor“ she texts back, and then opens spotify to look up Camp Rock songs.
“Hey!“ Dot calls from the bathroom, door open. Sometimes they're a little too comfortable with each other but being stranded on a deserted island together will do that to you.
“When do we have to go?“
Lizzo is playing in the background because Dot appreciates a good getting-ready playlist just as much as Fatin, they’re not best friends for nothing.
“Ten minutes!“ Fatin yells back. “We meet at the bar in twenty.“
Toni’s probably going to be late anyways and Rachel is always too early, dragging Nora along with her.
Leah’s texting her that she’ll be at their room in five minutes and Fatin can feel the usual excitement that comes with going out tingling through her body. She totally needs this.
Computer Science is cool and all and she’s one of the best ones in her year but exam season still sucks.
Mostly because everybody is so stressed out they forget to take care of themselves and Fatin takes it upon herself to make sure her friends are at least eating and sleeping and taking small breaks.
(For Nora that means prying the pencil from between her cramping fingers and getting her to look up from her sketchbook, maybe socialize a little, with Rachel she needs to find a balance between making sure she’s eating without being obnoxious about it and going to the gym with her so she can work off some steam (the things she does for her friends. Fatin is still sore days later).
She plays basketball with Toni even though she’s absolutely horrible at it and hates sweating, and goes too the zoo with Martha, which is actually fun. With Leah it’s making sure she takes her meds and doesn’t get lost in postmodernism, going to the movies helps.
Dot mostly just needs to break some stuff and there’s this place in Seattle where they let you just smash plates. Fatin loves it. Getting Shelby out of the library is often difficult and Fatin has spend hours reassuring her that not getting an A in every exam isn’t going to ruin her life or make anybody hate her, and that she’s not going to forget her lines suddenly on stage. But going bowling seems to help, even though Shelby is bad with a capital B at it. Fatin’s not complaining, she loves winning.)
Point is: she has missed hanging out with her friends. And tonight is gonna be awesome.
15 minutes later her, Dot and Leah are on their way, Leah’s dress twinkling in the night wile Dot opted for neutral colors in the form of jeans and a crop-top, no surprise there.
Fatin throws her arms around their shoulders, presses their heads together.
“Babes, we look hot.“
Dot is smirking while Leah rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling too.
It’s gonna be a great night, Fatin can fucking feel it.
Rachel and Nora are waiting in the parking lot of the bar, just like Fatin had said they would.
She’s grinning while she hugs them, Rachel poking her into the side so she’ll let go.
“I found the perfect song for us, Rach. We’re gonna dazzle Seattle.“
Rachel grimaces and Fatin just knows she wouldn't have come tonight if not for her pride.
“You’re the worst person I’ve ever met.“
Fatin waves her comment away. So dramatic their Rachel.
Leah’s shivering a little under the streetlight, and Fatin agrees, they probably should have taken Jackets with them but the dorms really are just 10 minutes away and they'll be inside as soon as the others arrive. It’s not like they're planning on bar hopping tonight.
“Where are the others?“ Dot asks right on cue.
It’s Nora who answers, her and Rachel smart and cozy in their sweater and jeans jacket respectively.
“Toni and Martha should be here in a few minutes and Shelby said we should start without her, she’s got a group project she couldn't move. She’ll be here after, though.“
Fatin nods. She’ll make sure somebody’s filming her and Rachel’s performance so Shelby doesn't miss out on anything, and also: blackmail.
She’s just about to suggest they wait inside, where it’s warm and comfy, when a group of guys stumbles out of a jeep parked a few meters away, obviously inebriated already. Which, Yay! Drunk driving! So cool.
Fatin recognizes a few of them from that Frat party Dot, Shelby and her had been at two weeks ago when one steps away from the group, looking in their direction.
“Hey, Fatima!“
Fatin groans, loudly. She recognizes his artfully messy hair and the green eyes as belonging to the guy she’d gone home with after the party. He’d been good in bed, she’ll give him that, but then afterwards, when he'd started talking, Fatin had quickly regretted fucking him.
It was definitely not worth it to hear him call her “hot caramel“ or some other thinly veiled racist remarks that he actually thought she’d like. (Not that anything was.)
Let’s just say she’d gotten out of there fast.
She nods in his direction, forced smile, but of course he decides to come over. Men really do not get social cues.
“You look good, Baby!“ He flexes his biceps while tucking his hands into the pocket of his jeans and Fatin just knows, in the heart of her hearts, that he has a tiktok account where he just films himself looking into the camera and parting his hair from one side to the other.
Fuck her libido for being so active that night.
“Don’t I know it.“ she answers because nothing turns boys like him off as quickly as girls who know their self worth.
His friends are “ooooh“-ing in the background, one whiter than the other and, believe it or not, all wearing the same polo shirt. Kappa Zeta Yikes, big time.
Dude is still coming closer and Fatin can feel Leah tense up next to her and Dot straightening up.
“You up for a repeat of last time?“ he’s making some obscene gesture and the other idiots start laughing like it’s the funniest shit ever.
Fatin can only roll her eyes, even though her heart may be beating a little quicker. She’s no stranger to situations like this, of course, but it still sucks: the otherwise empty parking lot, the music from inside the bar making sure no one would hear them, the fact that the group of boys is simply bigger and stronger, should it come to that.
“Yeah, no. Thanks. I like my partners not being racist, sexist or plain fucking stupid.“
It was, maybe, probably, the wrong thing to say, but then again, everything aside from a “Yes please!“ would have been, she’s pretty sure.
The guy get’s angry fast, taking a menacing step closer and the group behind him has stopped laughing.
“What the fuck? I’m not racist, you bitch!“
Dot steps closer, face closed off and Fatin knows she looks scary that way even though she’s one of the kindest people in the world.
“How about you take your buddies and leave us alone.“
“I wasn’t talking to you, dyke.“ He pushes Dot.
(Fatin will later think back to that moment and wonder if she could have done anything differently. She thinks the answer is no, thinks the drunken group of idiots was just looking for an excuse to start something, anything.
She tells as much to the police officers, at the hospital.
“Did you provoke them in any way?“ the guy interviewing her asks, and Fatin stares him down.
“What he means,“ his female colleague says, “is that we need to know when things escalated.“
Fatin tries not to show her shaking hands.
“The moment they stepped out of the car, drunk, and decided to approach a group of girls in an otherwise complete empty parking lot in the dark. You tell me what I could have said to make them leave us alone.“
The guy opens his mouth but his colleague stops him, thanks Fatin for her time and that they’ve got everything they need.
You better, Fatin thinks, and leans back into the hard plastic of the waiting room chairs.)
He pushes Dot.
Before any of them can react, do anything, there is a flash of dark hair in the corner of Fatin’s eyes, and then, quicker than she can blink, there Toni is, in all her 5 foot 5 glory and balled fists, jaw clenched tight enough to break.
“You’ll fucking regret that.“ she growls, and then her fist is heading for his nose.
///
LEAH
Blood is a hard thing to stomach now. Not that she’d been a fan of it before.
But after the Isle there are certain memories associated with it. Pictures in her mind. Of clothes drenched in it, the hot stickiness of it on her skin, Rachel’s hand, mangled and tattered, and then the axe.
Toni would have hit him straight in the nose if it hadn't been for the height difference, but she still grazes his jaw, has his head snapping back for a second.
There is a red welt where her fist made contact and Leah knows how much strength Toni packs into her small frame, has spent many hours at her basketball games watching Shelby drool over the muscles in her arms.
It doesn't help her, though, against the fist flying at her face.
Leah experiences the next moments in some kind of slow motion, sees Toni’s head snap back, the skin next to her eye exploding immediately and red spraying through the air.
Sees her stumble, arms grasping for something to hold on to and finding only air, and then she’s falling backwards, hair flying out behind her.
Toni’s head hits the pavement with a sickening crack and Leah knows she will remember the sound for a long time, if not forever, that it will live in the corner of her mind that’s reserved for all the bad moments, next to Jeffrey and much of the isle and her time in isolation afterwards.
Time seems to stop for a second, nobody moving and then pandemonium breaks out.
Fatin’s screaming, Dot curses loud and panicked and Nora stands still, a kind of shock settling over her. The guy backs away before turning around and bolting, the wheels of the jeep screeching against asphalt.
Toni isn’t moving.
Leah drops down beside her while the others are moving, she vaguely notices Martha’s (who must have arrived with Toni) hands shaking over Toni’s body, not really touching, and Rachel fumbling her phone out of her jacket.
Leah can’t concentrate on them though, her eyes are fixed on the paleness of Toni’s face, her eyes unmoving under her closed eyelids, the cut on her temple looking not quite as serious now but still bleeding.
Leah’s hands are clammy and when she lifts them from the ground next to where Toni’s laying she can see red coating them under the yellow of the streetlight.
“Guys.“ she says and when no one notices, Fatin and Rachel arguing while Dot is trying to calm them down, again, louder: “Guys!“
They turn together, staring down at her, and Leah lifts her hand, notices the violent shaking kind of numbly.
“Shit.“ Fatin curses and kneels on Toni’s other side.
“I called an ambulance.“ Rachel, struggling out of her jacket. She throws it to Fatin who holds it in her hands with a certain helplessness, looking up at Rachel with her mouth opening and closing.
“You need to out pressure on the wound!“ Rachel yells and Fatin nods.
“Yeah, yeah, you’re right.“
“Don’t move her too much!“ Dot intercepts, and Fatin throws her hands in the air, lip wobbling. Leah feels for her. She carefully lifts Toni’s head, careful not to move her more than she needs to, and settles her against her lap.
(There’s a memory scratching at the walls of her mind but she won't let it in, not now, when she needs to be sane and functioning. Her heart is beating double time.)
“Here.“ she says to Fatin and holds out her hand. Fatin smiles at her gratefully as she hands her the jacket and Leah can’t help but notice the wetness of her eyes.
There’s a spot on the back of Toni’s head that seems to be wetter than the rest, hair matted and dark and Leah presses the fabric against it, hopes she is helping.
In the distance she can hear sirens, and time must have passed between that and the medic settling down next to her, lifting Toni’s head from her lap, but Leah doesn't notice it.
She gets up, her knees shaky, and Fatin immediately shuffles next to her, hands and long nails clinging to her arm.
The other medic is bringing a stretcher over when Leah notices blonde hair in the distance, between flashes of red and blue light.
“Shit!“ she curses, freeing her arm from Fatin’s grip.
“What?“ the brunette asks, eyes following her line of sight. “Ahh fuck.“
But Leah is already on the move, almost sprinting to intercept her roommate before she can reach where Toni lays, where the pavement is dark from blood.
No, not happening.
“Shelby.“ she says, grabbing her by the shoulders but Shelby’s eyes are focused on the scene behind her.
“What’s going on?“ she asks, her voice confused, no panic yet but Leah knows that will change.
“Listen, there was an incident but it’s okay, the medics are helping.“ Leah doesn't actually know if it is okay, was too scared of looking too closely at the wound on Toni’s head, and her thoughts are still a little cloudy.
Shelby’s brows are furrowing, she’s trying to step past Leah but Leah is not about to let her, her hands on her shoulder are sure.
“What..“ Shelby’s eyes meet hers and there’s a second where they just stare at each other before Shelby seems to spot something in Leah’s gaze, and her head swivels back.
Leah can see her look from one of their friends to the next and notices the exact moment when Shelby realizes who is missing, who isn’t standing. Who must be laying on the ground, surrounded by medics.
Her eyes grow two sizes wider and a sound like that of a wounded animal leaves her throat and Leah aches for her.
“Toni.“ Shelby breathes out, almost a question but not for long. “TONI!“
The scream is pure panic and Leah is just quick enough to move her arms from her shoulders down to her waist before Shelby is straining against her, throwing herself forward.
“Let me go! TONI!“
Her movements are so erratic that it’s hard for Leah to keep her grip, and she throws a helpless look to Dot, who is on her way over.
“Shelby, it’ll be okay. Please.“ Leah is begging but Shelby can’t seem to hear her, her nails (shorter now than back on the isle) scratching up and down Leah’s arms in a way that will surely leave marks.
Then Dot is there, in front of both of them, hands landing heavy and calm on Shelby’s shoulders, trying to find her eyes with her own.
“Hey, calm down. You need to calm down Shelby.“
“Fuck off.“ Shelby growls.
“They won’t let you see her like that.“
That finally get’s her attention and Leah loosens her grip a little when she feels Shelby’s muscles relax. The blonde raises her head to meet Dot’s gaze.
“You need to calm down so that you can get over there and drive in the ambulance with Toni. They are putting her on the stretcher now and will be gone in a minute. She’s got a wound on her head and a cut on her temple and it probably looks worse than it is.“
Leah watches as Shelby is listening intently to every word Dot says, letting out that wounded animal sound again when Dot lists Toni’s injuries.
Leah hates that sound, it breaks something in her chest open.
Shelby swallows, staring at the ground for a second and Leah hopes she’s not gonna vanish into her head now (they all have their own isle trauma stuff).
But Shelby straightens, strokes a shaking hand over her hair and then nods.
“You good?“ Dot asks, her voice soft in a way people never think she's capable of.
“Yes.“
Dot nods to Leah and Leah frees Shelby from the cage of her arms, shakes her own shoulder out a little.
She takes Shelby’s hand then, making sure to hide her left one behind her back, the blood drying slowly, vibrating skin against vibrating skin.
“Let’s go.“ she says, and together they make their way over.
The two medics have secured Toni to the stretcher and are making their way to the ambulance when Leah and Shelby reach them.
There’s a slight falter in Shelby’s steps but then she’s at Toni’s side in record time, hand sliding out of Leah’s grip.
“I want to go with her. I can go with her, right?“ Shelby’s speaking to the medics, keeping in step with them, but her eyes never leave Toni’s face.
One of the medics nods. “That’s fine. But you need to give us room.“
Shelby is agreeing and Leah watches the way she strokes hair out of Toni’s face so softly, whispers words to her, finds her hand on the side of the stretcher and holds on for dear life.
They load Toni up into the ambulance then, red and blue, red and blue, and Leah stays still while the doors close and the engine is started, keeps watching until the lights vanish down the street and all she can hear are sirens again.
///
DOT
What pisses Dot off the most is that shit just seems to keep happening to them.
Shouldn’t surviving a plane crash and being stranded on a deserted island for weeks as part of some psychotic experiment, only to be rescued and then held isolated in some bunker be enough trauma to last them a lifetime?
Their way to the hospital had been an operation fueled by panic and silence.
They’d made their way back to campus and everyone had followed Dot to where her minivan was parked without her having to say a word.
Dot had been so damn grateful that Fatin had grabbed her keys instead of her own on their way out, Dot’s car keys dangling loudly in her purse.
In the car, Leah had slid into the passenger seat next to her, Rachel and Nora using the two middle seats and Martha and Fatin in the back.
Dot, driving faster than she probably should and only too glad they hadn’t actually pre-partied with drinks yet, had looked at the others through the rearview mirror every few minutes: Rachel staring out the window and clenching her jaw, Nora eyeing her sister on and off and rocking side to side slightly and Fatin looking helpless while holding Martha in her arms, who was staring with empty eyes in front of her.
Dot had winced at that, Martha’s look reminding her too much of when the girl had killed a goat for them and came back drenched in blood all over.
Leah, next to her, had been biting her lip, hand coming up to pluck at her eyebrows before Dot lifted one of her own from the steering wheel and softly lowered Leah’s fingers again.
This was bad for all of them, she’d thought, could feel the anxiety simmering in her own stomach, the bubbling under her skin. Too many memories that were brought back, too much shit in all of their heads coming to the surface.
At the hospital, they’d entered the emergency room and before one of them could ask a nurse at the reception they had seen Shelby pacing just a few feet from them, arms crossed tightly under her chest.
Martha had been the first to reach her, the two of them clinging to each other in a desperate embrace and when Shelby had looked at Dot and the others over Martha’s shoulder, the sheer panic in her eyes had made Dot shudder.
“They took her for tests. I haven't heard anything yet.“ Shelby had told them, and Dot had sat down in one of the ugly plastic chairs, getting ready for a long night.
Now, in the stark whiteness of the waiting room, Dot can feel herself slowly reaching what she knows is her limit. She hates hospitals, having spent too much time in them in the beginning stages of her dad’s sickness, is reminded of all the tests and and hours of waiting, doing her homework between doctors coming and going.
And then there’s the two days all of them had to spend being examined and under observation after they had been for real rescued, after Leah had made a call that had saved them all and the real FBI had shown up and gotten them out of their bunker nightmare. The days and days after that they had waited around Martha’s hospital bed, watching the slow rise and fall of her chest, the stillness of everything else.
Fatin, next to her, reaches over and holds her hand, slots their fingers together. Fatin knows her best, Dot thinks, even better than Shelby who spent most of their year back in Texas after the isle crashing on Dot’s couch. But Fatin and her, they are friends in a way Dot never thought she’d get to experience, the no-secrets, share-everything kind of friends.
Dot hates illogical and sappy thoughts like these but building this friendship with Fatin has made her believe in stupid things like platonic soulmates and that there really are people in this world made for you.
She’s never going to come close to thanking or forgiving Gretchen fucking Klein but also, damn, she sure is glad she’s got all these guys in her life now.
But back to the anxiety cursing through her body: Fatin makes it a little better, starts quietly talking to her about the idiots in her computer science classes and makes it possible for Dot to concentrate on something else but her sad sad memories of places like this.
Instead there are other things to notice now: Martha leaning into Leah, the other girl rubbing her bloodstained hand up and down on the fabric of her tights, Rachel’s leg bouncing up and down faster than Dot can follow and Nora not letting her out of her sight, worrying her hands together. And Shelby, still pacing back and forth like she has been for the last half hour.
There’s a red smear on her cheek, like she’d reached up to swipe her hand under her eyes and had forgotten about the blood on her fingers. It’s not much, but it’s there, glaring under the harsh light.
“Maybe you should sit down, Shelb.“ Dot says, careful about keeping her voice neutral.
“I’m fine.“ Shelby answers, turning to her with a too bright smile, her coping mechanism in situations like this. No one buys it.
“None of us are fine.“ Fatin rolls her eyes, not unkindly. “But you’re making me nervous. Come here.“
She pats the seat next to her, two down from Dot, and Shelby sends one last look to the double doors Toni must have vanished behind before following Fatin’s command.
Her hands are fiddling with the ends of her blonde hair, reaching just past her shoulders now, and Dot remembers in the bunkers, when she’d seen her shaved head for the first time, and the nervous way Shelby had waited for their reactions.
Toni had smirked and said she looked badass and pretty hot and Dot had seen the blush rising on Shelby’s cheeks even through the sunburn.
“What happened?“ Shelby asks, not looking at any of them, eyes still focused on the doors holding her girlfriend behind them.
Dot has, honestly, expected that question the moment they had arrived at the hospital, but she guesses Shelby had needed time, had been worried about other things.
(The amount of blood Toni had lost which, even in the dark, Dot could tell hadn't been insignificant.)
Rachel catches Dot’s eyes, both of them not really sure how to answer since everything had happened so fast, but Dot can feel what she thinks might be guilt boiling in her, hot and uncomfortable.
Toni had only reacted to seeing her get pushed, she knows. And maybe if Dot had reacted faster things would have turned out differently and they would be watching Rachel glare daggers at Fatin now, while some Camp Rock song starts playing.
Instead they are here, hard chairs and lots and lots of repressed trauma.
Dot is just about to answer, to apologize, when Fatin beats her to it.
“A stupid one night stand came back to bite me in the ass, I guess.“
That makes Shelby turn away from the door, straring at Fatin in confusion and Dot notices Martha, who hadn't been there in the beginning either, do the same.
Fatin sighs and looks at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact which Dot, and any of the other five, knows means she’s nervous.
“That guy I hooked up with at that frat party two weeks ago?“ Shelby nods, having been there to watch Fatin send them a wink as she made her way up the stairs with some dark haired dude.
“Turns out he’s, like, suuuuper racist and sexist and things kind of escalated. Dot was trying to make him back off and he pushed her. Toni appeared, punched him and then he-“ here she looks at Shelby, quickly, and they all know it’s because the next part is where it get’s real ugly.
“He punched her so hard she fell and her head kind of cracked against the asphalt. There was a lot of blood but Rachel called an ambulance immediately.“
Fatin doesn’t sugarcoat anything, not after the island, not when they all had been victims of lying and deceit for too long.
Dot sees Shelby swallow and her eyes kind of go glassy for a moment.
Fatin, next to her, is preparing herself for a reaction, shoulders tense.
“You have really shitty taste in men sometimes.“ is all Shelby says, and there’s no judgement or blame in it, which Dot is glad about, she was not looking forward to a fight in a waiting room hospital but if anyone would have accused Fatin for the actions of some gross asshole she would have had some words with them.
Fatin huffs out a laugh, kind of wetly, and Dot can see her muscles relax.
“Ain’t that the truth.“
The next twenty minutes pass quietly, none of them saying a word, which is fine, really. It’s just that the silence makes Dot nervous again, her skin crawling with ants.
Hospitals all look the same, is the thing, and so there are moments she forgets that this isn't Texas or California, where they’d been after the bunker.
The others must be freaking out too, she knows, and it’s probably the only thing keeping her sane. Dot can’t let herself loose control when any of the girls could need her, she’s the thing holding them together, she knows that. It was an unspoken agreement on the island, where she had somehow found herself as the leader of their group, wanted or not.
She’s got no problem with responsibility, Dot embraces it most of the time. Sometimes it’s stifling, though, in moments when she just wants to be a bit of a mess.
(It’s fine, she’s working through it, Therapy once a week.)
Still, when they have officially been here for an hour she thinks about getting some fresh air, is about to get up when two police officers approach the reception and, after a few words, are pointed in their direction.
Well then, Dot thinks, and straightens in her seat. She doesn't like Cops, really, remnants from her drug dealer days and also, you know. But she’s gonna make sure that once Toni leaves this hospital there won’t be any repercussions for her and that gross frat dude is gonna get what’s coming to him.
///
SHELBY
Shelby can’t stop seeing Toni’s pale face, the sweat on her skin and fluttering eyes, back on the island when she was this short of dying and Shelby had to face some confusing feelings of her own real quick.
Toni had been pale too, an hour ago in the ambulance, but so much more quiet and her skin had been dry except for the red on her temple, the blood on the medics white gloves, the wound on the back of her head which Shelby had only seen glimpses of.
On the island, Shelby had known what to do to help her, this angry annoying girl she somehow couldn’t stay away from, had help the pill in the palm of her hand, so small and powerful, and had known she needed to be the one to give it to Toni. No reason why, just that Shelby had felt the pills rough surface and thought “this is how I can help. please let me help“. Selfish, maybe, but Toni had been fine and there had been so much else, back then, that Shelby hated herself for, so she had let herself have this one thing.
In the ambulance, between trying to make room for the medic to work and staying as close to Toni as possible, Shelby had felt the coldest kind of helplessness overcome her, something dark and painful.
She loves Toni, with all of her heart, and there in that small, cramped space with the rhythmic beeping signalizing her girlfriend was still alive, she couldn't help but imagine what would happen if she lost her, Shelby’s panicked mind running away from her.
She had remembered, then, a line from a poem Leah had read her once, in the silence of their room:
“because my life without you would be
a place of parched and broken trees.“
Shelby studies drama and most of her days are spent remembering lines, and those words, flowing from Leah’s lips with all the love Leah held for written things, had burrowed themselves into Shelby’s brain like one of her plays, waiting for a moment like this, maybe, where she wouldn't find words of her own.
Toni had vanished behind heavy double doors, away from Shelby’s line of sight and taking her heart with her, and Shelby had stayed behind, harsh light all around her and so so alone.
Now, while the police officers are questioning her friends, Shelby tries not to think about many things. About Becca, who never made it to a hospital, and Martha when she’d been in one, very very close to leaving them.
Martha.
Shelby pulls herself out of her own pain, looks down the line and finds Martha with her cheek to Leah’s shoulder.
Fatin, who’s with the police right now, had lead Martha into the hospital what feels like hours ago, and Martha had been pale then too, eyes red and Shelby curses herself for not reaching out earlier.
Toni is not just hers, had been Martha’s so long before Shelby even came into the picture.
Shakily, she gets up, rubs her hands up and down her legs, glad she opted for skinny jeans and that one tight top she knows drives Toni crazy instead of a dress.
What a picture they must make, all of them, dressed up and ready for a night out, so out of place between cold white walls and the chaos of the emergency room.
Shelby shares a weak smile with Leah before settling down on Martha’s other side. She finds Martha’s hand in her lap and holds on tight, the way they do when Toni’s dribbling down the court with the clock running out. Martha, without saying anything lifts her head from Leah’s shoulder and drops it on Shelby’s instead.
She squeezes Shelby’s hand.
“She’s gonna be fine.“
Shelby squeezes back. She trusts Martha, has from the first moment they met, and she’s not gonna stop now, hoping for some of Martha’s optimism because her own is often faked.
“She better be.“ Shelby says, and prays to a God she’s still not on best terms with, that she’s still trying to find again.
It’s almost one a.m by the time a doctor comes to find them.
“Toni Shalifoe?“ she asks and Shelby, half asleep with her head in Leah’s lap, jumps up quick enough to make her head spin.
The doctor looks at the mess they must make, make-up smeared and clothes rumpled, and smiles the smallest of smiles. A good sign, Shelby thinks.
“Are you family?“ he asks.
“I’m her sister!“ Martha says at the same time that Shelby rushes out “She’s my girlfriend!“.
The doctor just nods, taking them by their word and probably not in any mood to argue with a bunch of over-tired kids.
“Ms. Shalifoe has sustained a small abrasion on her temple and a deeper wound on the back of her head, from what must have been her hit on the sidewalk. We did some tests and haven't found any further damage but she’s lost a bit of blood so we are keeping her over night and have given her a transfusion. The bigger wound needed 8 stitches, but all in all she should be fine in a few days.“
The words wash over Shelby in a rush of unintelligible babble, but the words “fine“ sear themselves into her brain. Toni’s going to be fine. Tension she didn't know she’d been holding flows out of every muscle in her body, making her stumble enough for Leah to put a hand under her arm.
“Can we see her?“ Martha asks and Shelby doesn’t even care what the answer is going to be, she just knows she’ll walk through those doors one way or another to make sure they were being told the truth, to wrap her fingers around Toni’s wrist, hold her beautiful face in her hands.
“Not more than two at a time. She’s awake but she still needs rest.“
There’s no discussion that Martha and Shelby will be the first ones to go, their hands folding around each other.
The double doors open for them and the doctor leads them down a corridor, walls just as white and constricting as in the waiting room. Nurses and doctors rush around them and Shelby is too nervous to pay much attention to any of it.
It feels like days have passed since she’d last seen Toni, talked to her, kissed her, even though it had been just this morning when Toni had walked her to her first class with coffee.
She’s so lost in the memory of Toni’s laugh that she almost walks into Martha, who has stopped in front of a door identical to all the others.
It feels wrong, somehow, that Toni would be in there, a room like any other.
Don’t you know, Shelby wants to say, that this is the most important person in my life?
The door opens soundlessly and then there’s the quiet beeping of monitors, the much too familiar smell of bleach and disinfectant and blood stronger than in the hall.
Toni lies in white sheets and on white pillows and looks like an angel and so small at the same time. Most of the time Toni seems larger than life, than anyone around her, when she’s really a few inches shorter than Shelby and just as breakable, in a physical sense.
The skin around her temple has grown red and blue in color, swollen almost to her eye. Her eyes are closed when they enter but open as soon as she hears their footsteps on the sticky hospital floor.
“Hey.“ she croaks, voice raspier than normal, smile tired and small but still so very much Toni that Shelby wants to cry. She hadn't realized, not until now, how scared she had been, how very real her fear had been that she wouldn't get Toni back, and seeing her hurt but very alive before her takes Shelby’s breath away and her legs almost give out in relieve.
“Hey you idiot.“ Martha says and almost sprints to Toni’s side, sitting down in the chair by her side.
She hits Toni in the shoulder, lightly but enough to show that she means it and Toni rubs the place her fist made contact.
“What the hell Marty!“ sounding like she smoked ten packs of cigarettes. “I’m injured here.“
Martha rolls her eyes and Toni looks at her softly, and then the two of them share a few words too quiet for Shelby to catch, but they both have smiles on their faces.
Martha laughs at something and then Toni turns her head to look past her, at Shelby who’s still standing in the middle of the room, too far away.
Toni stretches her hand out to her, makes a kind of grabbing motion that looks adorably pathetic, and Shelby can’t help the smile that spreads over her lips, can’t stop her legs from moving closer, not that she’d want to.
Her hand grasps Toni’s and their fingers immediately intertwine, the way they always do, like they were made for nothing else.
“Hi.“ Toni says again, eyes deep and brown and so full of love it still takes Shelby’s breath away, makes her think how she ever deserved this.
Shelby can’t offer a greeting back, her teeth too busy biting into her lower lip to keep herself from crying. She grasps Toni’s hand tighter making a crease of worry appear between Toni’s eyebrows, which in turn makes her flinch in pain.
Shelby feels herself being tucked closer and then she’s standing next to Toni’s bed, close enough to touch.
She reaches out the hand not in her girlfriends and strokes a hair out of her bruised face, watching the way Toni’s eyes flutter at the contact.
“I’m okay, you know.“ Toni tries to assure her but Shelby had been in the ambulance with her, had seen cloth after cloth drenched in her blood in the medics hands, had heard the rapid beeping of the heart monitor, can’t just forget the paleness of Toni’s face, her slack limbs, the unforgettable wrongness of seeing her so still, so motionless. Even on the island, half dying, Toni had been full of fury and fight, full of fire.
Shelby can’t make herself just forget, can’t yet make herself completely believe she won’t wake up any second, head still in Leah’s lap only for a doctor to come and bring them different news, only for her to walk home alone and never see Toni again.
So when Toni pulls on her hand and makes her sit down on the corner of her bed, Shelby only follows and then doesn’t stop, leans forward and lets her forehead drop down, softer than she's ever done anything, into the place between Toni’s shoulder and neck, where it’s warm and she can feel Toni’s pulse under her lips.
She presses a kiss there, feels Toni shudder, and then Shelby can’t stop herself anymore and so the tears start flowing, the smallest of sobs heaving through her body, all the fear and panic streaming out of her.
Toni reaches up and strokes her fingers through her hair, occasionally whispers words in her ear, and holds her through all of it.
///
TONI
A week later, after leaving the hospital and being hovered over by all of her friends, after almost going crazy watching on the sidelines during training and not being able to participate, it’s another Wednesday and Toni wakes up early.
She doesn’t actually have class for another two hours but she still makes herself get up once Martha leaves their dorm.
When she stretches her fingers automatically find the spot on the back of her head where a scar is going to be forever now, the little thick line hidden behind hair.
The dude that hit her hard enough to knock her out has been expelled and Toni got away repercussions free, helped by the fact all all the girls said it was self-defense and also because she’d been the only one landing in the hospital.
She’s not quite used to things working out in her favor like this, is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Most days she alternates between being disappointed in herself for letting her anger win out again, for using her fists before anything else, and feeling like she’d done the right thing, was protecting her friends, had stopped anyone else from getting hurt.
Her head’s a bit of a mess at the moment, and not just because of the odd headaches she still gets.
Toni’s almost looking forward to therapy today, for a chance to have someone else sort through all her thoughts.
She makes it to Shelby’s dorm just in time to watch her girlfriend lock her room door, leaning against the wall next to her with a stupid smirk and coffee in both hands.
“Very smooth.“ Shelby says, but her eyes are twinkling and Toni knows she has game, okay, and Shelby is not immune to her.
“Smooth enough to get a kiss?“ because she says things like that now, apparently, and lifts her chin in the way she knows drives Shelby crazy, throws her back to their first days on the island when Toni hadn’t ever stopped being a little shit and Shelby had tried to pretend it wasn't bothering her.
Now, she gets a roll of green eyes, but also a kiss, so there are no regrets.
Shelby’s lips linger for longer than they normally would, out here in the hall, warm and soft and the smallest hint of strawberry lipgloss.
Toni wants to wrap her arms around her waist and pull her closer but the coffee is in the way, so she settles for pressing her body into Shelbys, almost wanting to turn them around and press her girlfriend into the brick wall behind her but knowing that would be too much.
When they part Toni keeps her eyes closed a second longer and when she opens them Shelby’s already looking at her, the way she’s done so often in the last week, like she can’t believe Toni’s still here.
They haven't talked about it yet, aside from declarations of love and promises of never scaring her like that again, but Toni knows that sometimes when Shelby closes her eyes she sees Toni in that ambulance, bleeding and hurt.
It’s something they’ll just have to work through.
Shelby takes one of the coffees and thanks her and then Toni walks her to Hutchinson Hall, where her first class of the day will be, holding hands the whole way there and listening to Shelby talk about the upcoming play.
More than worth it to get up early for.
Dr. Miura tells Toni that she’s glad she’s okay.
Toni wonders, sometimes, if she really is or if this is just the calm before the storm. Things are a little bit too good and there are days when she’s sure in no way is this her life.
The group of friends, sharing a room with her best friend, having an awesome girlfriend she loves and who loves her, studying something she's passionate about while getting to play basketball.
Toni doesn't deserve this, all the easy days, waking up and going back to sleep without once feeling the cold hunger of hopelessness, without worrying about where to sleep or eat or wether there’s anyone out there caring about her.
“Why do you think you don’t deserve it?“ Dr. Miura asks and Toni has no answer for her, really, except she’s been told so, often, by foster parents and authority figures she’d gotten in trouble with, teachers who’d given up on her. Except for her anger, which so often hurts not only her, but everyone around her, which has always taken more from her than it has given but has protected her at the same time, keeping people she didn't want any closer away from her.
What it comes down to, in the end, is this:
“I guess,“ Toni says, not looking at her therapist “things are so good right now I’m just scared of breaking them. Like your vase. There’s no going back from that.“
Dr. Miura looks at her intently and then turns around in her chair, reaches behind her for something and then turns back.
In her hands is the vase, broken but whole, all the little shards put back together, the places they’d fallen apart marked by glittering gold. It is beautiful, one of the prettiest things Toni has ever seen.
“It’s called Kintsugi.“ Dr. Muira tells her. “A traditional Japanese method of repairing what’s broken.“
She puts the vase on the desk in front of Toni and Toni cans still count all the flowers.
“There may not be a going back, but there’s always a way to go forward, Toni. Sometimes, things may be even better after.“
Toni thinks about her childhood and her anger and the island and the bunker and everything they have taken from her, and everything they have given her and thinks she agrees.