Chapter Text
“So,” Diego said, looking out at the road. “Let’s review the events of the past two hours.”
“Do we have to?” Five said from the passenger seat.
Diego ignored him. “2:00 PM. It’s Friday, I get off work early. I go out grocery shopping.”
“This is where you’re starting?” Five said.
“2:45 PM, I come home,” Diego said. “And I find my brother Five sitting on my bed with a packed suitcase.”
Five sighed.
“Get out of my house, I tell my brother Five,” Diego said. “This is breaking and entering, I tell my brother Five.”
“I didn’t break in anywhere,” Five said primly.
“Teleporting counts as breaking and entering, I tell my brother Five,” Diego said. Five opened his mouth. “Why are you here, I ask my brother Five, and he says, we have to go to Rehoboth Beach this weekend, leaving tonight, just you and me.”
“Forgive me for thinking you might want to go on a mission,” Five said, flipping through the manila folder of papers on his lap. “It’s not as if you do much else.”
“You buried the lede,” Diego said.
“I told you eventually,” Five said. “We’re going on a mission. I need you to drive. That’s enough information.”
“Yeah, nah,” Diego said.
Five clicked his tongue.
Diego bit his lip. The truth was, he didn’t mind going with Five. He could afford to drop his weekend plans and drive a couple hours down to Delaware, even if he didn’t know why. But the idea of condescension rankled.
“Why me?” he said.
“Hm?” Five said.
“Why did you ask me to come with you?” Diego said.
“Christ, why the interrogation?” Five said. He leaned back in his seat. “It’s not enough to pity the idea of my poor brother alone in his boiler room for the weekend with nothing to do?”
Diego threw him a look.
Five sighed. “It’s genuinely important, and you’re the only one I can count on to be all in.”
Diego flexed his hand. “It better be important. I don’t want you taking me out just to…”
“I don’t pity you,” Five said.
“You better not,” Diego said.
“I said I didn’t,” Five said.
Diego worked his jaw. Fair enough. “So what’s it for, then? I thought we fixed the apocalypse.”
“We did,” Five said.
Talking to him was like pulling teeth. “And…?”
“That doesn’t mean we’re done.”
“Wait, wait,” Diego said. He looked over his shoulder, changing lanes. “There’s something worse than the apocalypse?”
Five sat back in his seat. “Define worse.”
“Yeah, define worse than the world exploding, that’s the part I’m confused about too,” Diego said.
“Christ, this is hard to explain,” Five said. “The apocalypse itself is taken care of. But the conditions that engineered it aren’t.”
“That Handler lady,” Diego said.
“Dead,” Five said. A strange expression passed over his face— somewhere between disgust and mourning.
As soon as he caught Diego looking at him, Five’s face went flat.
Diego looked away. “They had a whole time travel schtick, right? Briefcases or something?”
“Right,” Five said. “Which I destroyed.”
Diego raised his eyebrows. “So what are you not telling me?”
“What?” Five said.
“If the Handler’s gone, and the apocalypse is done with, and you destroyed all the briefcases, there’s something going on,” Diego said. “You’re building to a dramatic conclusion, you want me to ask the right questions to nudge me along.”
Five smiled a little, down at his lap.
“Can I opt out of this?” Diego said. “I didn’t sign up to be your— I don’t know, the Vanna White to your Pat Sajak? The Officer Buckle to your Gloria?”
“Excuse me?” Five said.
“Never mind,” Diego said. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “So, Five. What’s the deal?”
“How much do you know about fungi?” Five said, looking down at his papers. He picked out one and held it delicately in his teeth as he rifled through the folder.
“Some of them are good on pizza and some of them kill you,” Diego said. “You think I listened to the records Dad played over dinner? Foraging in a boreal forest or whatever?”
“The world’s largest living organism is a fungus,” Five said, taking the paper out of his mouth. “Armillaria ostoyae. Covers about four square miles of the Malheur Natural Forest in Oregon.”
“And you are telling me this why,” Diego said.
“If you were hiking in the Malheur Natural Forest, you would not see a massive fungus spread over the ground,” Five said. “You would see mushrooms.”
“Uh huh,” Diego said.
“The structure of the organism exists below the ground,” Five said. “Armillaria ostoyae spreads roots for miles under the ground, spreading over acres of land. Any separate mushroom of the type you saw would actually be a branch of the same creature.”
“So the Handler was one mushroom,” Diego said slowly.
“And Hazel and Cha Cha were two smaller mushrooms,” Five said, nodding.
“So we rip out the roots?”
Five made a noncommittal noise. “There’s not much you can do about the largest living organism on Earth. We can pat ourselves on the back for ripping out one mushroom, two mushrooms, three— and we can be relieved that we averted the Apocalypse from happening, I’m not going to downplay that. But no matter what we do, the Commission has laid its roots under the fabric of space and time, and it’s up to us to follow them and mitigate their alterations as best we can. We need to correct their corrections.” He held up his fingers in air quotes. “‘Corrections.’”
“I take it they correct things for the worse?” Diego said.
“Their timeline includes more casualties than there need to be.”
Diego tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “Because they’re hardasses who won’t contradict the blueprint?”
Five gave a short laugh. “Yeah.”
“Who made the blueprint, though?”
“It’s best not to ask that,” Five said.
“Wait,” Diego said. “Is it… God?”
“Of course it’s not God, Diego,” Five said, turning to him. “What kind of sentimental— they’re assassins, not prophets. Do you really think the Handler would answer to a higher power?”
“It was a fair guess,” Diego said.
“It wasn’t,” Five said. “It was a stupid guess.”
“Things can be both stupid and fair,” Diego said. “Also, Marty McFly, some of us aren’t as used to the idea of time travel as you are. Everything seems a little mystical.”
“Who’s Marty McFly?” Five said.
“Oh, man,” Diego said, grinning. “I love it when you don’t get my references.”
“Did Marty McFly talk to God?” Five said.
“It’s like a delicacy,” Diego said. “In order, best to worst: Five not knowing something, caviar, truffles—”
“There’s a Commission agent operating in Rehoboth Beach who’s going to murder five people in the next two weeks,” Five said, talking over him.
There was a silence.
“Christ,” Diego said.
“According to the Commission, a killer should murder eleven people between July and August of this year,” Five said, flipping through his files. “Six have already been killed. At the current moment, tensions are high. Security measures are being raised. The fears lead to erratic behavior, which lead to the young couple Christopher Baker and Pamela Martinez to get into an argument on their honeymoon. Pamela thinks they need to be careful; Christopher was already feeling jittery because he had regrets about the marriage and he’s trying to cover that up with bluster. He’ll coax her into going out onto the boardwalk for an evening stroll, but it’s tense. Eventually, Pamela will stop Christopher, and they’ll have a serious conversation out on the main strip of the boardwalk. The sun has set, and it’s crowded. Pamela’s wallet is hanging out of the back pocket of her shorts, and a pickpocket will notice. He’ll take advantage of their heated discussion, the low light, and the volume of people, and he’ll brush up against her and snag it from her pocket. Pamela won’t think anything of it— she’s distracted and hurt because her new husband won’t listen to her, and they’re standing out in the open where anyone could bump into them. The pickpocket will think he’s gotten away with it, but Katrina Charlton, a closeted lesbian waitress taking her smoke break, will have been looking at Pamela’s ass in those shorts for the duration of the conversation. She’ll see the pickpocket and run to stop him. She’ll catch him and report him to the police. The police will arrest him. The killer will hear about this this and decide that the increased diligence of the police doesn’t make it worth the while to stay and continue to carry out the murders, so he flees that night.”
Diego processed this.
Then he looked over at Five. “Isn’t that a good thing? Fewer people die?”
“Not for the Commission,” Five said. “They need the killer to stay, because it’s in their ideal timeline. Que sera sera.” His lips quirked. “This case is small, but it stumped them. They keep trying to come back and arrange it so that the killer doesn’t leave, but no matter what scenario they engineer… he always decides to go home. My coworkers tore their hair out over it. Eventually they realized the Handler would take interest if they kept failing, and they dispatched an agent to the field to carry out the rest of the murders by hand, which covered up the gaffe.”
“The fuck,” Diego said.
Five rubbed his hand over his face. “Diego, you need to get used to the fact that the Commission kills people.”
“I know,” Diego said. “But that’s fucked up.”
“When they have a mission, they perform it meticulously, brutally, and without remorse,” Five said. “The timeline gets followed to the letter. No deviations are allowed, even the ones that save human lives.”
“I don’t get it,” Diego said.
Five raised his eyebrows. “What is there not to get?”
“I cannot understand why they’re coming in to change something that’s naturally happening,” Diego said.
Five sighed. “Because it doesn’t follow their rules. As you put it… they’re hardasses who won’t contradict the blueprint.”
Diego chewed on the inside of his cheek. If they’d had this conversation once, they’d had it a hundred times. Every conversation with Five revealed a sliver of a vast network of a world that Diego hadn’t even realized was there. Diego would try to get it, but it was pointless— Five’s mind worked in dimensions he couldn’t even dream of.
“Fine,” he said, finally. “But why are we intervening now?”
“Because we can,” Five said.
“No, I mean now,” Diego said. “Why can’t we grab the killer before he even starts murdering anyone?”
“Because if he doesn’t kill the first six people, worse things happen,” Five said. “I’ve done the math. At the Commission, I spent years perfecting my work in chaos theory and the butterfly effect— I’ve analyzed representative samples of infinite possible futures, and I know that if we fix that one tragedy, the chain events that would spiral from the alteration could be catastrophically worse.”
“It could also be better,” Diego said.
“Would you rather save six individuals in Rehoboth Beach or prevent an entire water treatment plant in Nairobi from being contaminated and poisoned?” Five said, turning to him.
Diego’s stomach plunged.
Five’s voice softened. “There are more dimensions than you know, Diego. But you have to trust me. I’ve run the calculations.”
“Sure,” Diego said.
“I know more than you,” Five said.
“I said okay,” Diego said. “You don’t have to—”
“My bad,” Five said. He looked out the window.
Diego worked his jaw. “You think I’m sheltered.”
“In some ways,” Five said.
Diego grimaced.
“But I’m extraordinarily un-sheltered,” Five said, “and I know that.”
“You grew up in the Apocalypse,” Diego said. “We get it.”
“More like I’ve peeled back the veil of time and space and seen infinite branches of possible pasts and futures,” Five said. He ran a hand through his hair. “It’s rare to find a Commission agent stationed somewhere for a sustained period of time. Most missions are in and out; the Rehoboth Beach fix is notoriously messy.” He smiled. “As mushrooms go, this one’s easier to pull out.”
“Nice metaphor,” Diego said.
Five shrugged. “It’s easier than boring you with the math.”
Diego smiled out at the road. The sun was beginning to set, bathing the highway in an orange glow. He hoped they’d get to their hotel by sunset. “At least the giant fungus in that forest isn’t trying to cause the Apocalypse, huh?”
“It actually latches onto roots and leeches their nutrients, killing thousands of trees,” Five said.
“Has anyone ever told you you’re a downer to talk to?” Diego said.
“Klaus makes it his duty to remind me,” Five said. “He keeps asking me how I’m doing. I don’t know what he expects me to say.”
Diego side-eyed him.
Five cleared his throat. “Anyway. The Commission’s here to stay, and so is the fungus in Oregon.”
“I am never going to Oregon now,” Diego said, switching on the headlights.
“Smart choice,” Five said absently, looking back down at the papers. “What with the earthquake and everything.”
“The earthquake?” Diego said, turning his head so fast his neck clicked.
Five looked up, eyes wide. “Has that not…?”
“Five,” Diego said.
“Never mind,” Five said quickly. “Ignore it. Just drive.”
“Downer,” Diego said under his breath, looking out at the road.
“When’s our next exit?” Five said.
Diego squinted out at a sign. “Soon. Soon-ish.”
Five sighed.
“Don’t say are we there yet,” Diego said.
“I wasn’t going to,” Five said innocently.
Diego grinned. “What’s the hotel we’re staying at again?”
“We don’t have a hotel,” Five said.
Diego raised his eyebrows, turning to him. “You—”
“Booking a particular hotel room would defeat the point,” Five said. He reached into the bag at his feet and pulled out an object about the size of a TV remote. It was decorated with a spectrum of colored lights, one of which was blinking slowly, lighting Five’s hand up green. “We need to drive around until this goes off.”
“And what the hell is that?” Diego said, pulling off the highway onto an exit.
“EMF reader,” Five said.
“Which is what,” Diego said.
“Electromagnetic frequency reader,” Five said, enunciating deliberately.
Diego flexed his hand on the steering wheel. It stung to be the dumb one. “Cool.”
“People use these to hunt for ghosts,” Five said, turning the reader over in his hands.
“If you wanted to hunt for ghosts, you should have brought Klaus.”
Five gave a short laugh. “If Klaus and I had to spend a weekend alone in a beach hotel together, I would kill him.”
“Or he would kill you.”
“He couldn’t kill me.”
Diego paused, then nodded. He settled back in his seat, adjusting his foot on the gas. “So I’m the only one you could stand spending a couple days with?”
“Try the only one who still cares about ‘fighting crime,’” Five said.
“I don’t know if I should be offended by that,” Diego said.
“It depends how much internalized shame you have,” Five said.
Diego glanced at him. Five could be truly unreadable when he wanted to be.
“I don’t believe in energy or magic,” Five said, looking down at the EMF reader in his hands. “It’s bullshit. Everything people attribute to energy can be explained by thin slicing, or by unconscious bias. And magic is either convenient physics or coincidence.”
“I’m getting sick of having to go why why why whenever you say anything to me,” Diego said.
“So don’t go why why why,” Five said.
“So make more sense,” Diego said.
“So be smarter,” Five said.
Diego bared his teeth.
There was a brief silence.
“Sorry,” Five said.
“Whatever,” Diego said. They were fully off the highway now, and hotels and restaurants were beginning to pass them by. The quality of the landscape was changing, transforming from nothing to something, from mundane to vacation.
“I shouldn’t talk down to you,” Five said.
Diego wasn’t sure why Five’s words curdled in his gut. Given how sweet it usually sounded when Five made a mistake, he should be crowing. But Five’s pity…
“Just be better,” Diego said. He looked down at the EMF reader, blinking red in Five’s hands. “So that thing is supposed to pick on something that isn’t magic.”
Five smiled. “Yeah.”
“But it’s enough like magic that you felt like you had to lecture me about it,” Diego said.
Five made a face. “More that people think it’s magic.”
“You’re trying to pick up on some kind of energy field,” Diego said, “but you don’t want me to think you’re a New Age hippie who’s just checking for vibes, man.”
“Exactly,” Five said. “Commission agents rely on briefcases to create temporal anomalies and exploit them.”
“They open up time portals and crawl through them like ceiling vents,” Diego said.
“Nobody actually crawls through ceiling vents in real life,” Five said. “That only happens in movies.”
“Speak for yourself,” Diego muttered.
“Hm?” Five said.
Diego cleared his throat. “So the time portals give off energy?”
“A particularly distinctive electromagnetic field,” Five said. “Look.” He held the reader on one hand and made a fist with the other, summoning a blue haze of light around his hand.
Diego looked over. Five could deny magic all he wanted, but the way the light wavered around his knuckles, distorting the air like steam over a kettle…
“Watch,” Five said. His hand was shaking. He tipped his head down to the EMF reader. The lights were blinking green, then yellow, then orange, the needle trembling, and Five’s fist clenched. The blue warp glowed brighter, brighter— and the EMF reader lit up wildly with red lights.
Five dropped his hand and the warp disappeared.
“Jesus,” Diego said, looking back at the road. “Looks like the real temporal anomaly was the friends we made along the way.”
“That’s what it’s going to look like,” Five said. He shook out his hand, cracking his knuckles. “When we get close enough to the briefcase to pick up the field.”
“Whoa, whoa,” Diego said. “I’ve got questions. And not just the fun kind that leads you into lecturing me.”
Five sighed.
“I thought you destroyed all the briefcases,” Diego said. “How do the Commission agents still have them?”
“I destroyed the stash at HQ,” Five said. “I didn’t destroy all the ones still in rotation.”
Diego nodded. “All right.”
“You said questions, plural,” Five said, looking out the window.
“Right,” Diego said. “How the fuck are we gonna get close enough to pick up the briefcase?”
“We don’t need to be right next to it,” Five said. He tossed the EMF reader in the backseat and clenched his fist, creating the warp again. Diego tilted the rearview mirror down, looking in the back. The side of his duffle bag was lit up blinking red.
“Sure,” he said. “I meant, how are we going to get within ten feet of it?”
Five warped into the backseat for the reader and warped back. “We don’t need to be within ten feet of it. When I—” He mimed clenching his fist. “— the temporal anomaly I create is much smaller. The amount of power I possess isn’t enough to transport more than one person through at once.”
Standing in the Icarus theater, his sweaty palm in Five’s. The loose circle they made on the stage. The heat of the room, the burning smell, the power out and the roof about to shatter— and then cool air, tumbling down into the courtyard of the Academy as intact adults.
As long as he lived, Diego would never forget the way Five crumpled to the ground afterwards, gray and shaking.
Vanya had had to take care of him in her apartment for eight whole days before he woke up.
“Yeah,” Diego said quietly.
Five shifted in his seat.
Diego looked out at the road. “Must take a hell of a lot of power to make one big enough for more than that.”
“Yeah,” Five murmured. He turned the EMF reader over, studying it with a grave expression.
When he spoke, his voice was normal. “In order to operate, the briefcases induce an extremely strong and notably distinctive electromagnetic field at all times— the temporal anomaly, if you will. If you’re standing next to it, you won’t be able to feel it— it’s on a level that can’t be perceived by humans— but with this reader… we should be able to discern its location from a fair bit away. It won’t be exactly precise, but it should be enough.”
Diego looked down at the reader.
“If we drive around for long enough, we should be able to follow the reader until it goes red,” Five said.
“So we don’t know what hotel we need to stay at,” Diego said slowly.
“Precisely,” Five said, examining the reader.
“What if the agent’s not at a hotel?”
Five looked up. “If you were a Commission agent tasked to kill five people in two weeks in a beach town, where else would you stay?”
“Rent a house?” Diego said.
“It’s the peak season,” Five said.
“Rent an undesirable house?”
Five snorted. “Let me put it another way. If you were an overworked, exhausted employee trying to carry out a quick and dirty series of murders with your terrifying boss breathing down your neck, would you go to the bother of creating a fake identity to rent a house with, or would you slide some cash to a concierge?”
Diego inclined his head.
“I rest my case,” Five said. He settled back in his seat. “Keep driving.”
“If it’s the peak season, how are we supposed to find a hotel room?” Diego said.
Five dimpled up at him. “I’ve been told I can be very cute.”
Diego’s mouth went dry.
“Keep driving,” Five said.
“I’ve got another question,” Diego said.
Five rubbed his knuckles against his eyes. It was a testament to how long they’d been talking shop about the Commission that even he was exhausted. “A necessary one?”
“Yeah,” Diego said. “What’s our cover story?”
“I don’t know,” Five said. “Brothers?”
“Is that some kind of passive-aggressive dig at our upbringing?” Diego said.
“No, but it would have been smart if it had been,” Five said. “I meant that we should pose as brothers.”
“Uh,” Diego said.
Five raised an eyebrow.
Diego coughed. “I don’t think you’re thinking this through, champ.”
“Christ, of course I don’t mean I’m going to pass as your biological brother,” Five said. “Adopted. Obviously.”
“I’m not posing as your adoptive brother,” Diego said.
There was a silence. Diego could just tell that Five was giving him a withering look. “Your plan sucks. I’m not going to coddle you.”
“But it’s the truth,” Five said. “You can’t say it’s not believable.”
“I’m not gonna put in the work of trying to get them to believe our cover,” Diego said. “The whole point of a cover’s that they believe it without question. It’s the spoonful of sugar.”
“You don’t need to explain covers to me,” Five said.
“Clearly,” Diego said, “I do.”
“Need I remind you,” Five said, “that I’m the one who spent years at the Commission—”
“Stop bragging about how many people you’ve killed,” Diego said. “I’ll be impressed once you can actually behave on a mission with me.”
Five looked out the window.
Diego took one hand off the steering wheel and cracked his knuckles with his thumb. He felt a little bad for that one. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Five said.
“You’re gonna be good at the undercover game,” Diego said.
Five said nothing.
“For real,” Diego said. “I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass.”
“Trying to go undercover as brothers was genuinely a shit idea,” Five said, tipping his head over to look at Diego.
“That’s true,” Diego said.
Five snorted. “How diplomatic of you.”
“I never lie,” Diego said.
Five chewed on his lip. “I want a viable solution. Obviously mine wasn’t sufficient. If you have a better one—”
Diego bit his tongue between his teeth, looking straight ahead.
Five gave him a flat look. “You have something.”
“Do I?” Diego said, not looking at him.
“If you didn’t have anything, you’d be covering it up with bluster,” Five said. “Going on and on about how excellent a detective you were, or something of that ilk.”
“Who says ilk?” Diego said.
“That’s exactly what I mean,” Five said. He kicked his legs up on the dashboard. “Now you’re nervous, now you’re blustering.”
“Watch me never say anything to you ever again,” Diego muttered.
“Sweet relief,” Five said.
Diego flipped him off.
Five sighed.
“You’re not gonna like it,” Diego said.
“Try me,” Five said.
“I’m saying up front, don’t blame me if you hate it,” Diego said.
“Diego.”
Diego looked out past the steering wheel. “We could pretend to be a couple.”
There was a silence.
“I fucking hate that,” Five said.
“See?” Diego said. “Five, I told you—”
“And we should do it,” Five interrupted, deeply pained.
Diego glanced over at him. “Say what now?”
“It makes the most sense,” Five said. His expression resembled that of a wet cat. “It’s a reason that two adults of the same external age who look visibly different from each other would book a lovely beach vacation getaway.”
“Right,” Diego said. “That’s the logic.” It was probably unsafe driving to look away from the road this much, but— Five was looking out the windshield, clearly stewing in his own feelings. “You’re sure you’re okay with this?”
“Positive,” Five said grimly.
Diego sighed. “You can’t complain about it if we do it, though.”
“Why not?” Five said. He scowled. “I can complain about whatever I want.”
“You can’t be a brat,” Diego said. “If you want— if we’re really doing the couple thing, at a certain point you gotta suck it up.”
Five sulked harder.
Diego grinned despite himself. “So you’re in?”
“I won’t not complain,” Five said.
“It gets worse,” Diego said.
“How the fuck can this get worse?” Five said.
“We need a cover story,” Diego said.
“We have a cover story,” Five said, turning to Diego and looking at him like Diego was brain-dead. “You just came up with our cover story.”
“It needs details,” Diego said.
“Christ,” Five said.
“First,” Diego said, “what’s your name?”
He could hear the pause that meant Five had opened his mouth, ready with the ornery question of why do I need a name?— and then the pause of Five realizing, and closing his mouth.
“James,” Five said finally.
Diego raised his eyebrows. “Sure. Why?”
“It was the first thing that came to mind,” Five said. “Do you need a fake name?”
“Nah,” Diego said.
“Diego,” Five said. “If I need a name, then you need a name.”
“Not the same,” Diego said. “I can hide in plain sight. Besides, the Commission agents don’t know too much about the Umbrella Academy, right? Those Hazel and Cha Cha psychos had to read Vanya’s book for it.”
“Right,” Five said. “Sure. You can be Diego. But what are we going to do about the…?”
He held up his arm, showing him the umbrella tattoo.
Diego looked down at his wrist. “We got matching couple’s tattoos.”
“Bullshit,” Five said.
“Name one better idea,” Diego said.
The sound of Five realizing he was wrong in silence was music to Diego’s ears.
“Whatever, I’ll be your tacky boyfriend,” Five said. “But it’s a strange tattoo to get as a couple.”
“You need to learn to think romantic,” Diego said. He reached his hand over the console, taking Five’s fingers in his. “We got it symbolically, sweetheart. Because I always protect you, and you always protect me.”
Five flicked Diego right on the nerves in his knuckles.
Diego jerked his hand back. “Motherfucker.”
“Don’t make me pretend to be cute when no one’s looking,” Five said.
“So you’ll be cute when people are looking?” Diego said.
“I’ll be cute for the sake of saving lives,” Five said.
“Aww,” Diego said.
“I’m not above hijacking the car, Diego.”
Diego would have laughed if he thought it were a joke. “How did the two of us meet?” he said, squinting at the exit sign.
“School,” Five said.
“Five,” Diego said. “Work with me.”
“I am working with you,” Five said.
“School is not an answer,” Diego said. “College? High school? Elementary school?”
“I suppose we knew each other since we were children would be too on-the-nose,” Five said.
“How about high school?” Diego said. “We were, uh, in a class together. And we… sat at desks.”
“Diego?” Five said.
Diego looked at him. “What?”
“Tell me exactly what you think happens in a normal high school,” Five said, a smile in his voice.
“Classes,” Diego said. “Sports. Are letter jackets a thing? I’ve only seen them in movies. How about yearbooks? You and I wrote in each other’s yearbooks, that’s how we met?”
“That’s not what happens in high school,” Five said.
“What do you think happens in high school?” Diego said.
“People put plastic cups in chain link fences to spell messages,” Five said. “And there are gym classes where everyone runs around on the track outside. And sports, yes.”
“Let me rephrase,” Diego said. “What happens in high school that you couldn’t infer from looking at the outside of the building on a stakeout?”
“You know what? How about this,” Five said. “You and I met at a bar and hooked up.”
“Terrible,” Diego said immediately.
Five grinned. “Diego,” he said, deepening his voice to imitate him. “Work with me.”
Diego rolled his eyes. “It’s boring. No one wants to hear about our one-night stand that turned into a relationship.”
“Exactly,” Five said.
“Come again?” Diego said.
“Everybody’s a sucker for a meet-cute,” Five said. “Nobody wants to hear about two guys who meet at a bar. This way, if people ask us how we met, they won’t pry.”
“Huh,” Diego said.
“You bought me a drink and asked me to dance, and then you took me home,” Five said. “And then you gave me your number, and I texted you.”
“Well,” Diego said, “that’s pretty fucking boring.”
“We live in New York,” Five said. “You’re a martial arts instructor. I’m… a consultant.”
“What exactly do you consult on?” Diego said.
“Long-term, time-intensive projects,” Five said. He smiled, a flicker of an inside joke with himself. “Quality control.”
“Eesh,” Diego said.
“I’ll be fine,” Five said. “We’ve been together for… hm, three years.”
“Enough time to get creepy tattoos of each other,” Diego said.
“For, not of,” Five said. “And we’ve decided to whisk ourselves away for a dreamy beach vacation.” He batted his eyelashes.
In the fading light, Five’s eyes were dark, and his face was elegant. He always commanded dignity, but right now, sitting in the passenger seat, he seemed softer. Less guarded.
“What are you looking at?” Five said, narrowing his eyes.
Moment broken. “Nothing,” Diego said. “Thinking about how much you’ll suck at pretending to be my boyfriend.”
“I won’t suck,” Five said.
Diego resisted the that’s what she said. It wasn’t even a good one, anyway. “Yeah, you will. You’re too damn stilted. All guarded and weird. You’ll—”
Five reached his hand over the console and slipped his hand into Diego’s, twining their fingers together.
Diego’s breath caught. This was fake. Five’s skin was soft, and the sun was slipping almost all the way down in the sky, an orange eye blinking closed, the whole highway bluish with dusk. The air in the car was warm. They’d been driving for three and a half hours.
Diego let go of his hand.
“You ready for a relaxing weekend at the beach?” he said, looking out at the road.
“Thrilled,” Five said, looking down at the map in his lap. “A relaxing weekend of hunting down a hired assassin and pretending I’m dating my brother.”
Diego took the exit, swooping off the highway. Five’s thumb brushed against his hand, and Diego’s stomach felt like it was floating, his body suspended in the blue darkness. The highway rushed past, turning the scenery into stripes, and Diego felt himself unspooling, strung out and unreal, breath held, heart thumping.
Five’s breath hitched.
Diego looked over. In Five’s hands, the EMF reader had started blinking yellow.
“Drive back down that street,” Five said, hovering on the edge of his seat.
The past forty minutes had been like this. Diego’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel by osmosis. Five was alive, electric, holding the EMF reader out in front of him like it was his remote control and the world was the TV, gesturing with it as Diego slowly drove up and down the streets. The lights on the reader glared orange, and Five’s eyes seemed just as bright.
His brother could be strangely enthralling at times.
“Take a right,” Five commanded. “No— a left.”
Diego switched on his turn signal. “You sure about this?”
“Nothing’s sure,” Five said. He was looking at his map by the orange light of the EMF reader, scanning for hotels. “Take the right, then a left. We’re aiming for the Atlantic Shore Inn.”
“Weird name,” Diego muttered, making the turn.
“It’s getting redder,” Five said, hitting his fist against his thigh. “Come on, come on, come on, come on.”
“I’m going,” Diego said, flooring it on the next turn.
Diego pulled up in front of the hotel and shifted the car into park.
There was a moment of airless silence. Five was still vibrating in the passenger seat, clutching the blood-red EMF reader.
“You ready?” Diego said.
“Yes,” Five said instantly. “This has to be the place. It’s the only hotel on the street, the lights are bright red—”
“Not about the energy field,” Diego said. “About the… other part.”
Five’s brow creased, and then his face resolved itself into a mask. “Our little undercover scheme?”
“Yeah,” Diego said. He rubbed his jaw. “Look, if you’re not comfortable posing as my boyfriend…”
“Jesus, don’t coddle me,” Five said.
“I’m not,” Diego said. He reached for Five’s arm. “But— you’re sure you’re okay with this?”
Five ripped his arm away from him. “I’m not a child.”
“Yeah, we all know,” Diego said. “I’m not trying to condescend to you. I’m asking if you’re, uh, comfortable.”
Five gave Diego a look of deep, deep loathing.
“I’m trying to help,” Diego said.
“I don’t need your fucking help,” Five said. Everything that had been cute and menacing about him as a thirteen-year-old was genuinely intimidating now that he was restored to his twenties. It was like a kitten growing into a panther. “You think I can’t act like your boyfriend?”
“Uh,” Diego said. “What’s the polite answer here?”
Five gave him a deeply loathing look.
“Noted,” Diego said. “Look. It doesn’t have to be awkward. We won’t make it awkward. We’ll be fine.”
“We’re fine,” Five said.
“We’re fine,” Diego repeated. Five reached out and took his hand, and Diego instinctively twined their fingers together. “We’re—”
“Jesus,” Diego said, stumbling as Five warped them into a corner of the warmly-lit lobby of the hotel. “Are you crazy? We could be seen.”
“You were being sentimental,” Five said. “And I’m sure no one saw us.”
“I need to go back and pay the parking meter,” Diego said.
Five waved a dismissive hand. “We need a room.”
“We can need two things,” Diego said.
“No, we need a room,” Five said. He dragged Diego over to the concierge desk. “Hi. Room, please?”
“Can I help you?” the concierge said, stepping back a little.
“Yes,” Five said, leaning forward. Diego anchored his hand on Five’s arm, pulling him back to a safe distance. “We need a room.”
“I’m sorry, we’re fully booked,” the concierge said.
Five turned back, giving Diego a significant look.
Diego let go of Five’s arm, stepping forward. “For how long?”
“Excuse me?” the concierge said.
“How long have you been fully booked?” Diego said. He hooked his thumb in his belt, subtly feeling for a knife. Force of habit.
“Uh,” the concierge said. “It’s… the peak season, we’re usually—”
“What about the other person?” Diego interrupted.
Five grinned.
“Excuse me?” the concierge said, in a tone that expressed his abject desire for Diego and Five to be less weird.
“He means the other person who came in here and asked for a room even though you’re all booked,” Five said, leaning on the counter. “They managed to convince you.”
The concierge looked between Diego and Five, uncertain. “I— I’m not at liberty to say.”
“It’s no problem,” Diego said. He looked down at the concierge’s name tag. “Ethan. You wanna just give us a room?”
“That’s— it doesn’t work like that,” the concierge said.
Five drew out an enormous wad of bills from his pocket and slapped it on the counter.
The concierge’s eyes widened. He looked at his computer, clicked a couple buttons, and then he ducked under the counter, fishing out two keys. “Here,” he said. “Uh, room 207.”
Five dimpled up at him. “Thank you,” he said, reaching over the desk and neatly capturing the keys in his hand.
“Sure,” the cashier said, dazed.
Diego nodded at the cashier in thanks, and then he dragged Five away by the arm. “What the fuck was that?”
“Get off me,” Five said, swatting him.
“You just paid him off?” Diego said.
“It was the easiest way,” Five said.
“It’s not a good easy way out,” Diego said. “Waste of money.”
Five shrugged. “Some people are rich, Diego.”
“What?” Diego said.
“Some people,” Five said, enunciating—
“Oh, don’t do that,” Diego said. “So you’re really rich enough to throw money away for the sake of not having to talk to a person about a hotel room?”
“You sound jealous,” Five replied.
Diego flipped him off.
“Don’t feel bad about yourself,” Five said. He patted Diego’s arm. “I’ve had decades to make the right investments. And—”
“You know,” a woman’s voice said from behind them, “you probably didn’t have to do that.”
Five jumped back like he’d been burned. Diego turned around, startled.
Leaning on the wall behind them was a slender woman with hair that hung down to her waist. She was agelessly pretty; she could have been anywhere from 20 to 40, and over her shoulder was slung a large beaded tote bag that would have made more sense on a 70-year-old. Her eyes were dark, and she was looking at them with distinct amusement.
Diego cleared his throat. “Booked hotels. You know how it is.”
“And who are you, exactly?” Five said, a hint of acid in his voice.
Christ. Diego looped an arm around him and squeezed him close, trying to silently get him to stand down. From the way Five tensed, it didn’t appear to be working— but then Five relaxed.
“Pardon me,” he said. “I didn’t mean to be testy.”
Diego made a mental note to tell Five later that he sounded like a character from a black and white movie.
The woman laughed. “No testiness taken,” she said. “No hard feelings. And I only came down for the tail end of that, so maybe the concierge was a dick to you. Who can say?” She held out her hand. “I’m Kara, by the way. Nice to meet you.”
Five looked down at her hand. Diego nudged him.
“James,” Five said, clasping her hand briefly. “And this is Diego. My, ah, boyfriend.”
Diego shot Five a look. He wrapped his arm around Five, pulling him in. “Don’t worry about him. He’s shy.”
Five gave Diego a dirty look.
“Aww,” Kara said. She looked back and forth between them, taking them in, and then she smiled. “Couple’s weekend?”
“Uh huh,” Diego said.
“We’re looking to do everything,” Five said, dimpling up at Kara. “See the sights. Meet the people.”
“Yeah,” Diego said. “Sun. Sand.” He squeezed his arm around Five’s shoulders. “Romance.”
Five twitched, and then schooled himself. “Yes,” he echoed. “Romance. With my…”
Diego bit his lip, trying not to seem too visibly amused. There was something adorable about Five spinning his wheels fruitlessly.
“Lover,” Five finished, and he raised his hand, slightly awkward, and caressed Diego’s cheek.
Diego choked, no longer able to contain his laughter, and he tried to mask it with a cough— which turned into a real cough, which was far less dignified than the fake one. He cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he said. “My lover.”
“Right,” Kara echoed. She shook her head. “And you said he was the shy one, Diego.”
“Diego was lying,” Five said. “He tends to bluster when he’s nervous.”
Diego rolled his eyes. “Ignore him,” he said.
“Ignore him,” Five said.
“Then I’ll ignore you both,” Kara said, adjusting the tote bag on her shoulder.
“Wait,” Diego said.
Kara laughed. “How about this,” she said. “I’ll let you two check in and I’ll catch up with you later?”
“That sounds perfect,” Diego said. He looked her up and down. She was a little more than pretty, he was realizing. If Five weren’t there… He amped up his smile, eyes lingering on her lips.
Five gave a little sigh.
“Thanks, doll,” Diego said.
“Oh, don’t get that way with me, you’re taken,” Kara said, waving her finger at him, but her eyes sparkled. “I shouldn’t be keeping you, anyway. It’s getting late. And I’m sure you’re busy…”
“Well,” Diego said. “Not too busy for a pretty girl like—”
“Diego forgot to put coins in the parking meter,” Five said immediately. “So forgetful.”
Kara snorted. “Did you really?”
“He was rushing us to get settled,” Diego said, stepping on Five’s foot.
“You know how lovers are,” Five said. His grip on Diego’s arm was like iron. “Come on, sweetie.”
“You are ridiculous,” Five said, shutting the door of their hotel room behind them.
“You were the one who teleported us in here before I could turn off the damn car,” Diego said.
“That got taken care of fairly easily,” Five said. He folded his arms. “Have you ever looked at a woman without having the urge to flirt with her?”
“Vanya,” Diego said.
Five made a noise of disgust.
“She’s not my type,” Diego said. “I’m into chicks who are a little less apocalypse-causing and a little more—”
“You might actually be the worst person I know,” Five said, turning away and throwing his duffel bag down on the bed.
“Whatever you say,” Diego said. “Lover.”
Five’s back was to him. “Diego.”
“What?” Diego said. “Don’t say I’m not allowed to make fun of you about that, man, that’s hilarious—”
“The bed,” Five interrupted him.
Diego looked over at it. “What about it?”
It was a normal bed. The linens were a little dated, hotel-chic, designed to look as neutral as possible while also seeming stuck in time purgatory. The blanket was quilted, and the pillows lay at a slight angle. The bed was serviceable. Obedient. Expectant.
And there was only one of it.
“There seems to have been a small oversight on our part about the demands of the ruse,” Five said.
“Have I ever told you you sound like a character from a black and white movie?” Diego said.
“Damn it,” Five said.
Diego looked at the bed. “Yeah, in retrospect… we should have expected this.”
“Of course we should have expected it in retrospect,” Five said. “That’s how retrospect works.”
“Yeah, but we’re pretending to be a couple,” Diego said. “And it’s not exactly like we were in any position to be choosy about rooms.”
“Maybe I should have slipped him more,” Five muttered.
Diego stopped. “I’m sorry, how much did you—”
“Personal funds, don’t worry about it, it isn’t your business,” Five said. He sighed. “We can be normal about the bed, right?”
“Right,” Diego said. “I mean, unless your repressed ass is allergic to being close to your brother.”
“That is not the case,” Five said.
“Then we’re fine,” Diego said. He was getting a vague sense from his gut instinct that perhaps this wasn’t something to ignore, but he brushed it away. “So,” he said, sitting down on the bed and tossing his own bag to the floor. “What’s the plan, chief?”
Five rubbed his face. After the long day of driving, his hair hung in his eyes, and he pushed back his bangs. “The beach?”
“All good with me,” Diego said. “Catch some rays. Catch some criminals.”
“Corny,” Five said, but there was a smile in his voice.
“Little bit,” Diego said.
“So much,” Five said, reaching up to undo his tie. He made a face. “I feel fucking overdressed. Christ.”
“The Academy uniform never wore off, huh?” Diego said, watching him.
Five snorted. “Try the Commission dress code.”
“Did the Handler have you in tuxes all day or something?” Diego said.
“Only after six,” Five said.
“I genuinely can’t tell if you’re joking,” Diego said.
Five smiled, looking away and tossing his tie to the ground. “The point is, apparently one doesn’t put on businesswear for a beach vacation.”
“No,” Diego said, grinning. “One really, really doesn’t.”
Five threw him a look. “When you make fun of me for having better grammar than you, I’m not the one who looks bad.”
“Using one in a sentence is like wearing a suit and tie to a beach boardwalk hotel,” Diego said.
“It’s correct,” Five said.
“It’s uptight,” Diego said.
“You continue to be the worst person I know,” Five said.
“You know we’re gonna have to go clothes shopping before going to the beach, right?” Diego said.
Five’s eyes widened.
Diego grinned. “You cannot go out in public dressed like a—”
“Fine,” Five interrupted. “You don’t need to lay into me. I’ll let you take me on a cursory shopping excursion.”
It was a little hypocritical of Five to lecture Diego on his tells. The rosier Five’s cheeks got, the higher his vocabulary vaulted.
“Sure, sweetheart,” Diego said, shaking his head.
“As long as you take off that knife harness,” Five said.
Diego opened his mouth.
Five looked him up and down, appraising. “Which one of us is inappropriate for the beach, Diego?”
“Still you,” Diego said. He picked at his turtleneck and knife harness. “I packed other clothes. Tank tops and shit. A swimsuit.”
“Oh, Christ, you’re going to be insufferable at the beach,” Five said. “Any excuse to take off your shirt.”
Diego thumped his chest. “It’s not worth being modest when you’re as hot as I am. Everyone knows you’re just trying to be nice.”
“Worst,” Five said, articulating each syllable, “person.”
Diego laughed. He bent and picked up Five’s tie from the floor, then flicked it at Five’s shoulder. Five made a noise of protest. “You need to relax, babe. I’m gonna go take a shower.”
“This place has the good shit,” Diego said, coming out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. The bathroom was still warm, the air perfumed with the scent of the shampoo from those little bottles the hotel had. “Not like my place. And better than the creepy rusted bathtubs at the Academy; there’s a glass door on the shower and everything. I only found one bathrobe, so we’ll have to duke it out, but—”
Five looked up at him from where he was sitting in bed with a book, wrapped in a bathrobe.
Diego shook his head. “Of course.”
“I take opportunities when I see them,” Five said, looking back down at his book.
That bathrobe was big on him. Five wasn’t a kid anymore, but he was pretty slim, and Diego could see a tantalizing V of pale flesh that went down beyond where he could discern. Five was wearing reading glasses, too, which was…
“What?” Five said, looking up. “Are you genuinely mad at me for this?”
…different.
“No,” Diego said. He turned away. “You mind if I change out here?”
“Why would I care?” Five said.
“Some guys are weird about it,” Diego said, back to Five. He dropped his towel, grabbing the soft pair of sweatpants he’d packed and tugging them on. “They think being able to see another guy’s dick makes them gay or something.”
“That doesn’t matter to me,” Five said.
“Congratulations,” Diego said, leaning over to pick up his tank top and pulling it over his head. “You’re officially woke, man. Love is love.”
Five threw the pen from the bedside table at him. Diego caught it with one hand. “No, jackass. I don’t care because I’m bisexual.”
“Oh,” Diego said. He turned the pen over in his hands.
It was like the reading glasses. It wasn’t bad. It didn’t have to change the way he saw Five, it was just…
“What?” Five said. “Getting tongue-tied, Diego?”
… different.
“No,” Diego said, turning back.
“It’d be a shame if you were,” Five said, shaking his head. “Love is love, I hear.”
Diego threw the pen back at him, curving it precisely so it nosedived into the opening of his bathrobe. “You’re a pain in my ass, you know that?”
“Mightily aware,” Five said. He reached down into his bathrobe to fish out the pen, exposing more of his chest, then set the pen gingerly on the bedside table. “So the shower’s nice?”
“Yeah,” Diego said. His mouth was a little dry. “Good water pressure.”
“And a glass door, I’ve heard,” Five said.
“No nasty curtain,” Diego said.
“Hotel bathrooms always have those bullshit curved-outwards curtain rods anyway,” Five said. “Which invariably ends up getting water all over the floor for the sake of making the shower seem a little bigger. Glad to know we’re not living like animals here.” He climbed out of the bed.
“Yeah,” Diego said under his breath, watching him go.
Diego was using the pants hanger from the closet to clip the curtains shut when Five finally set his book down on the beside table and took off his glasses.
“May I turn off the light?” he said.
Diego felt a shot of adrenaline. He hadn’t been worried about sleeping in one bed with Five until now, but as the digital clock blinked ever closer to 11:30, the prospect loomed like a shadow lengthening as the sun set.
“Yeah,” he said. “Give me a sec.”
He still wasn’t worried, exactly. More… cognizant. Of every possible branch of anything that could go wrong, every intricate awkwardness that could emerge, every inch of Five’s legs that the short bathrobe exposed.
“What are you doing, exactly?” Five said, looking up at him.
Diego shook himself. He looked up at the hanger in his hands. “Fixing the curtains so light won’t shine through the gap and wake us up at the ass-crack of dawn.”
“Oh,” Five said. “That’s actually clever.”
“What did you think I was doing?” Diego said, clipping the curtains and stepping away.
“I had no idea,” Five said. “Following some whim I couldn’t begin to understand.”
“And you were just letting me?” Diego said, coming over to the bed.
“I think you should be touched that I had faith in you,” Five said.
“I don’t do weird shit that often,” Diego said.
“It’s a shame this room doesn’t come with a minibar with a single raw egg,” Five said.
“Who told you about that?” Diego said. “Has Luther been going around telling everybody?”
Five smirked.
“For the record, that wasn’t me trying to show off to him,” Diego said, climbing into the bed. “I need protein. Body’s a temple. It wasn’t because Luther was there, I’m just working on bulking up. But in a human way, not like him.”
“Excuse me?” Five said. “Lights?”
Diego reached across him for the pen and threw it across the room, flicking it so it hit the light switch.
The room went dark.
“Impressive,” Five said.
“Damn right,” Diego said.
The blackness pressed against their faces like a second blanket. Every inch of space between him and Five prickled against Diego’s skin, mapping the contours of their bodies under the covers. Five shifted, and Diego’s breath caught.
There was no threat here, he told himself.
“I was thinking we should go shopping tomorrow,” Five said. “For clothes. For me.”
“You can wear my shirt to breakfast if you want,” Diego said, not looking at him.
“That’s decent of you,” Five said.
“It’s just practical,” Diego said.
“Might make us look like a couple for real,” Five said.
“For real,” Diego echoed.
What if he moved during the night? What if Five moved? What if he woke up pressed against him, tangled up in his limbs warm and close, feeling the hot press of his skin, the rise and fall of his breathing— what if he woke up and he was—
“G’night, Diego,” Five said, rolling over and tucking himself away from him.
“Night,” Diego said, staring up at the dark ceiling with wide eyes.