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Hatake Kakashi had been a shinobi for over twenty years and he’d spent a fair portion of that time in ANBU doing countless black-ops missions. He’d executed A-ranks with ease and he was one of the greatest shinobi of his time. His name had even come up in discussions for the Sandaime’s successor, though Kakashi was quick to escape whenever the topic came up.
Sure, this was Kakashi’s first time taking a genin team but he was an elite shinobi. A sulking brat, a loud-mouthed prankster and an obsessive fangirl posed no threat to him, even if their whining grated on his nerves.
No, Kakashi was perfectly fine. Great, even. He was still snickering at the memory of yesterday’s bell test – after a whole year between failing genin teams, he’d worried that he might’ve lost his touch, but once a troll, always a troll.
Kakashi stayed perched in his tree and turned another page of Icha Icha. He’d told his cute little genin to meet him at the official shinobi photography office bright and early at six o’clock. They’d actually showed up, like the precious idiots they were. Wasn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?
Well, Kakashi wasn’t going to turn up until at least ten thirty, so that meant he had another half-hour to kill. It was only a photo, after all, a minimal requirement of team formation and a process usually abandoned in wartime. Besides, the photographer knew how Kakashi Time worked.
Passing the time by reading Jiraiya’s latest literary masterpiece, Kakashi finally looked up when he realized his shadow had crossed over to the other side. Oops. It was way past ten thirty – at least two, judging by the angle of the sun. Ah well, his little minions needed to learn the definition of Kakashi Time anyway.
Putting his book away, Kakashi jumped out of the tree and began an ambling walk through the streets to the Hokage Building. His steps coincidentally took him past a dango shop when he remembered he hadn’t had lunch.
After a half-hour dango break and a pleasant conversation with Anko, Kakashi continued his slow, unhurried pace to Hokage Building. He was slightly concerned that his students, newly graduated and unfamiliar with the tales of various jounin idiosyncrasies, might’ve left rather than wait for him, but he didn’t have to worry.
Sakura was far too invested in her good-girl persona to consider disobeying a direct order, Sasuke had far too much to prove, and Naruto was far more likely to seek revenge than run away. All three of them, to his delight, were standing outside in the sweltering heat with identical murderous looks.
Kakashi couldn’t be more proud. Such impeccable teamwork.
He crinkled his one visible eye in the facsimile of a smile as he approached his three homicidal genin. They were flaring enough killing intent to keep most civilians away, but to a jounin it was nothing more than a minor annoyance. One of the ANBU perched near the Hokage Building was definitely smirking behind their mask and a couple of chuunin clustered in a corner were giggling at the adorably vicious looks on the faces of his genin.
“Hello, my cute little students!” Kakashi said brightly, and paused.
They rose magnificently to the bait. “You’re late!” Sakura and Naruto both screamed. Sasuke’s voice was quieter, but no less murderous.
“Ah, you see,” Kakashi put a hand behind his head as if sheepish, “I was having a tea party and I lost track of time.”
Sasuke gaped at him in stupefied wonder, Sakura looked torn between calling him out on his blatant lie and keeping quiet, and Naruto – dear Naruto, who looked so much like Minato-sensei that it hurt – leveled one accusing finger straight at Kakashi and, with no thought to decorum or dignity, shouted, “Liar!”
“Maa,” Kakashi tilted his head to one side, letting a bit of killing intent into the air – not enough to hurt anyone, but enough to noticeably chill the air, “Are you accusing your sensei of not telling the truth?”
Sasuke shuddered and Sakura mutely shook her head, but it seemed like Naruto had inherited more from his father than just his looks. He’d seen enough of the boy around the village to know that he possessed a personality and an appetite to rival Kushina’s, but his lack of self-preservation was all Minato.
“Yes!” the boy proudly claimed, “You’re a big, fat liar!”
Kakashi let the killing intent grow a little, until Naruto’s confidence dripped off his face, replaced with a wary fear, before letting a blinding smile stretch across his face. His mask covered most of it, but the sentiment was obvious. “You’re keeping photographer-san waiting,” he chided lightly, before walking into the shop.
The three genin were shocked speechless by the blatant hypocrisy.
The photographer looked up when he heard the door, a small smile stretching across his face. “Good afternoon, Hatake-san. And I assume this is the rest of Team Seven.” His three minions plodded in after him. Naruto was an unhealthy shade of red.
Once, during a particularly boring August a few years back, Gai had decided to stalk Kakashi and observe his habitual lateness. Kakashi had tried to avoid him, but a determined Gai could not be stopped and eventually, Kakashi just gave up. Like he always did.
The results of Gai’s one-month stalking was what was popularly known as the Kakashi Algorithm. Apparently Kakashi wasn’t as original and spontaneous as he thought and his pattern of laziness – correlating with time spent at the memorial and how late he was – was definitely not random. The Kakashi Algorithm, though extremely complicated and with enough mental gymnastics to give an accountant a headache – it was Gai, though, so it wasn’t unexpected – was a boon to half the shinobi forces, various shopkeepers and the Sandaime. Kakashi was now predictable.
If you wanted to spend three hours factoring in the position of the sun, moon, how many times it had rained in the past seven weeks and the number of Iwa shinobi killed in the past thirty-seven days, to say the least.
The greatest result was that Kakashi no longer annoyed a large faction of the city, even though he did go against the algorithm every once in a while.
After all, once a troll…you know the rest.
The photographer led them to a picturesque background of a warm Konoha day and Kakashi proudly posed in front of it, waiting for his cute little students to join him. That was when the trouble started.
Sasuke wanted to be front and center because he claimed he was the most important person on the team. Personally, Kakashi felt like his Thousand Years of Pain could use another victim but it was just a photo so he kept silent. Naruto, however, took offense to this statement and there was a silent, but nonetheless violent scuffle over it that only ended when Kakashi forcibly separated the two.
The photographer was leaning on his camera with a raised eyebrow.
Kakashi smiled at the man and had a heated whispered conversation with the two genin – as Sasuke obviously couldn’t behave himself, then Naruto would be in the center. Kakashi preferred that anyway – Naruto was a mini Minato-sensei, it was only fair that he have the place of honor. Unfortunately, Sasuke didn’t take kindly to his new position on Kakashi’s left and kept nudging Naruto. As predicted, the blond loudmouth snapped, and went straight for Sasuke’s throat as the camera’s flash went off.
Kakashi once again separated the two, turned his beaming smile back on the photographer – who was beginning to look annoyed – and decided that nothing was going to be accomplished unless Naruto and Sasuke were separated. So be it. Kakashi didn’t particularly want Sakura to be the center of attention, but keeping the photography studio blood-free was a far greater priority.
Keeping Naruto on his right and Sasuke on his left, he gave a thumbs up to the photographer. The man sighed and went back to his camera, zooming in for the shot. Kakashi held his breath as Naruto and Sasuke shot daggers at each other and grappled with each other’s fists behind Sakura’s back. Well, as long as it wasn’t seen, Kakashi was fine with it.
Well, apparently Sakura was not because she turned with a half-second left, a look of towering rage on her face. Both Sasuke and Naruto flinched back and Kakashi’s facepalm was forever immortalized in the photo.
“Perhaps,” the photographer suggested, now definitely aggravated, “You could take them somewhere to cool down before trying again?”
Kakashi turned and wearily eyed his charges, who now looked more like rabid dogs than cute little kids. Kakashi didn’t often admit he was wrong but maybe – just maybe – he shouldn’t have left them waiting for nine hours. Perhaps. Just an idea. It probably wasn’t even that. How could leaving three antagonistic twelve-year-old shinobi alone in the sweltering summer heat possibly cause such murderous –
Okay, so Kakashi couldn’t even justify that to himself.
“Maa, that’s a good idea,” Kakashi crinkled his eyes, efficiently shepherding his three students out of the studio before fixing them with a disapproving eye. “You got us kicked out of the studio,” he said in his best disappointed voice – it was quite good. It once made Gai cry. Of course, Gai cried for everything so perhaps it wasn’t such a great accomplishment.
The three mutinous little genin not only completely failed to notice his disappointment, they began arguing with each other at once, screaming over one another in their efforts to blame the others. Sasuke was flushed red with anger, Naruto was dancing around with his fingers in his ears, singing a nonsense song, and Sakura – Sakura was glaring at Kakashi with killer eyes.
Killer eyes.
Kakashi almost flinched back – almost because he was damned if he was going to show weakness to this pack of monsters. He should really talk to Inoichi to discretely observe the pink-haired girl – for a second, she’d reminded him of Orochimaru.
“Okay,” Kakashi said levelly, sighing when they continued to ignore him. It seems he was going to have to pull out the big jutsus for this one. “Who wants ice cream?” he asked cheerfully.
In unison, three sweaty, hungry, angry little genin turned to him, their bright eyes shining with hope.
Smiling, Kakashi lead the way to a nearby ice cream parlor. Sometimes, it paid to have dog summons – you gained an innate understanding of feral beasts. Still, this was far more work than Kakashi ever thought a simple photo would be and he groaned when he forked over his own cash to pay for the ice cream.
While the children noisily devoured their treats, Kakashi put his brilliant mind to good use plotting a strategy. Sasuke couldn’t be in the center because Naruto threw a fit and Naruto couldn’t be in the center because Sasuke would poke him until he snapped but Sakura couldn’t be in the center because Kakashi did not want that girl anywhere near certain vulnerable, undefended areas of his anatomy. And Kakashi wanted Naruto in the center because he was the only piece of Minato-sensei and Kushina that was left. But Sasuke and Naruto couldn’t be together because both of them argued and fought which left Sakura in the middle. No.
Half-hour and an entire napkin’s worth of scribbles later, his no-longer-cute genin smiled at him brightly as he contemplated his utter failure. He was a jounin, an S-class shinobi, one of the best shinobi in the village and he failed. He couldn’t place three people in formation. Three people.
Not for the first time, Kakashi wondered if this particular Team Seven was the Sandaime’s revenge. After all, the Hokage was the biggest troll of them all.
“Alright,” Kakashi sighed, throwing away the napkin and heading towards the photography studio once more. He’d just have to make it up as he went along which, to be honest, was mostly his default setting.
The photographer nearly groaned when he saw them. It was a novel experience for Kakashi – having someone despair at his entrance, but not because of him.
As the photographer again led them to the scenic forest background, Kakashi scanned around for ideas. A photo caught his eye – a photo of the Yondaime’s genin team, his team. He stopped for a moment and smiled wistfully, nostalgic at the sight.
Rin, front and center, smiling happily with victory signs. Minato standing in the back, a hand on both Obito’s and Kakashi’s heads. Obito and Kakashi both staring stoically into the distance, but having a fierce thumb war behind Rin’s back. Those were the days. Minato hadn’t had to force the configuration either, everything had just fallen into place.
“Kakashi-sensei!” came the strident tones of his female genin and Kakashi turned away from the photo to where his students were waiting. Surprisingly, they’d managed to organize themselves. Sakura stood between both the boys, who were rubbing their wrists with chagrin, standing a foot’s length from Sakura. Kakashi took his place behind them, Naruto to his left and Sasuke to his right as the weary photographer came forward.
The two boys began to silently jostle each other behind Sakura and Kakashi brought a hand down on both their heads, tightening his grip on their hair as a silent warning as he curved his lips up beneath the mask.
The flash went off.
Finally.
In the end, Sasuke looked pouty, Naruto was bristling, Kakashi had closed his only visible eye, and Sakura’s cheerful grin was horrifying, but Kakashi tucked the photo away all the same.
He’d be damned before he ever did that again.