Chapter Text
Lisa is pretty sure she is broken.
There must be something out of place inside her somewhere. A screw knocked loose by too much dancing, a gear that for some reason twists askew, something. She wonders if she shook her head hard enough, there would be any rattling. She would try, but she's watching a movie with her girls and there would be reactions.
Jennie would probably glance at her with a 'what are you doing?' poker face, before begrudgingly allowing a confused smile, which is no good for Lisa's health - she looks so cute when her face does that. Chaeyoung would ask her 'what?' and promptly start laughing, and though her tinkling laughter is one of Lisa's favorite sounds in the world, it has the power of driving her mind to places Lisa isn't comfortable with, the desire to make the other girl laugh like that often nearing the definition of an 'urge'.
And Jisoo... Might join in and copy her, or maybe 'pong' at her, or maybe scold her - Jisoo is always full of possibilities. In any way, none of their reactions, which would be caused by her and directed at her, would prove healthy for Lisa's already frayed, confused and tender thoughts.
Truthfully, it's not news. If Lisa has a screw loose, she has had it forever. Her first kiss was in middle school with a cute, sweet boy named Phat who she studied with since forever, but had never really talked to. He smelled like cologne and had the nicest smile of all boys in her year, white and straight teeth adorned with braces - not an investment many parents made, though Lisa's did, too. He had told her he liked her through a note and asked to talk in the hidden nook behind the cafeteria. Because all of Lisa's girlfriends had already kissed before, when he leaned towards her, she closed her eyes and met him halfway.
She could taste his toothpaste. His lips were soft and though it was a bit messy and uncoordinated, she didn't hate it.
When after, he asked her to be his girlfriend, she said no. Immediately. Her parents would never let her, though that wasn't the reason - or a truth, possibly, her parents were very reasonable. But how could she explain to him that aside from the nervousness of a new and awkward situation, Lisa felt nothing? Kissing him wasn't terrible, but the feeling her girlfriends had described - heart beating in your throat, a hotness that made you blush, the urge to be closer. There was none of that, not then, not with him.
Not with any of the other boys Lisa would eventually kiss, in a search for the exhilarating feeling she has heard so much about.
Though her lack of interest in boys - or, at least, in their kisses and touches - may complicate her life as an idol, it has not truly occupied Lisa's brain for long since her debut. Or at all. But it is related to a different thing altogether, an actual issue that keeps her awake at night sometimes - lately, most nights - makes her jittery and agitated, anxious and jumpy. It has even made her a bit less; just a little, for now. Less tactile, less close, less spontaneous with her girls.
The feelings a girl should have for a boy, the ones described at length to her by many friends, by her mother, by movies and love songs and even the music she raps and dances to most days, Lisa has felt them. Just not for boys, never for them.
Lisa feels her belly clench when Chaeyoung smiles her full grin, her chipmunk cheeks bulging as they do, and it's worse - better - when said smile is directed at Lisa, or a result of something she did. She wants to be closer whenever Jisoo is nearby, her hand goes to hold or touch her almost by instinct; whenever they walk together near fans, it simply seems to make so much sense to wave at her Blinks with Jisoo's hand - she needs to touch her, somehow.
Whenever Jennie is near and Lisa looks at her a bit too long and she looks back; serious, with her sultry eyes, or smiling her gummy grin, Lisa feels a hotness unlike the worst summer she ever lived through. It rises from her core and slides over her, from toes to roots. The worst is she can't control any of it, is unable to stop herself. The best she can do is to avoid Chaeyoung's laughter; to stand far from Jisoo; to not look too long at Jennie.
And when it comes to this, it's just the same as when Lisa attempts to win games of luck.
She sucks.
Lisa is an adult, modern woman. She knows she's gay; the type of gay that is not even a little bit bisexual. Men don't repulse her in anyway, they just don't attract her in any way, either. Women do; always have, even before she was adult and modern enough to know what being gay is. It took much longer than it should for her to figure it out. It was only a year into training, when Jennie was moved from sharing a room with her to share with Jisoo, that Lisa first wondered why it hurt so bad.
Why it felt so good, so right, to be near Jennie, that when she left, it was a crippling loss that she took weeks to recover from. Then, when she first let the questions exist, breathe inside her head - 'Could I have a crush on Jennie? Could I be in love with her? Could I like girls?' - it was suddenly, painfully, obvious.
Despite how sudden the discovery happened for her, being gay is mostly a non-issue for Lisa - though it does make her life harder in many ways, by living in a society that wouldn't accept her as she is - her problem is that it quickly became clear that her heart can be as big as her lack of luck. Despite a brief and superficial resentment towards Jisoo - for taking her Jennie away - the older girl quickly became a dear friend and, eventually, another source of unresolved and non-reciprocated feelings.
When Chaeyoung came and there was a distinct possibility that the four of them would be in the new YG girl group, Lisa thought she was much too consumed by her unrelenting, fierce crushes on Jennie and Jisoo to develop anything of the sort for the aussie girl. She should have known better, her unluckiness knows no bounds.
Lisa is a smart girl and a quick learner. She gathered the bits and pieces of information she could about her three girls' love lives and interests; and there's no doubt to her that they are attracted to men. Jennie's recent relationship was the ultimate proof, but Lisa has known of her flings for years. Jisoo, similarly, has quietly and discretely broken the dating ban from time to time, always with pretty boys who know how to be funny and laugh at her jokes. Even Chaeyoung, by far the least interested in relationships, had a long-distance boyfriend from Australia for a couple of years.
No chance, at all, for Lisa. One, because they like men, and so Lisa lacks an important characteristic that they seem find enjoyable. Two, because, even if they were attracted to women, she's Lisa, and they are Jennie, Jisoo and Chaeyoung - all too good for her. And third, if even, miraculously, one of them were in love with Lisa back, she doesn't think she is capable of letting go of the feelings she harbors for her other members.
It's a mess. It's such a big mess it sometimes makes Lisa despair. She can never tell them, but, as hard as she has tried - so hard, for years - she can't seem to get rid of these feelings.
They are here to stay.