Work Text:
First time I had an orgasm I had been having impure thoughts all day at school, I was hard at anything. The slightest smell of shampoo, the hint of warm skin, the brush of a hand against me in the hall.
I’d had these feelings before but never this strong, this much need was painful, especially when I knew giving into my needs would send me to hell.
When I got home I begged for forgiveness in the chapel and whipped myself, my skin ripped and blood trickled down my back. The warm blood was almost a relief to the raw, red swollen flesh and while I was catching my breath my mind ran away….I imagined someone, anyone, nameless and random, running their fingers down my back and tasting it, I imagined them tasting my blood and enjoying it. Telling me to whip myself harder, faster, that my blood made them feel the need, that I was making them want and that's when it happened.
My first orgasm
I bit my hand to muffle the scream. My body felt like I'd been blessed, was this my reward? Finally? All the pain I'd was I finally got pleasure?
The pain, the endless suffering I’d endured….like when my parents beat me, it was only when I couldn’t bear anymore I did and that liberation happened, the power of yes was born in me so now, instead of pleasuring myself, I pained myself beyond my limits and I was given pleasure as a reward, peeling my own skin off helped me earn my release and so, the notion of atonement was born.
I was scared when I saw the mess I’d created, more frightened still of the repercussions I would face if the Duncans could tell what had happened. They'd always taught me that
“ every Christian ought to train and subdue himself with bodily restraints, or bodily exercises and labors that neither satiety nor slothfulness tempt him to sin, but not that we may merit grace or make satisfaction for sins by such exercises”
And I was very satisfied from that exercise.
They'd know they were right and that I was in fact the evil soulless sinner they assumed I was and that I knew I'd become. That I lied and cheated and lusted but they didn't.
They trusted me.
After I realised the Duncans couldn't tell I'd cum it was everything I had to stop myself from chasing that first taste, I remember feeling shame and guilt and fear but also angry.....angry that this pervasive sin was driving me to distraction and the only way I could send it away actually made it worse.
Temptation was everywhere and I was losing. I woke up with sheets I had to hide and a body doing things I had no control over. I was so hard, my body telling me the only way to get over that was to give in to the sin, but the only way to atone was to pray and show penance and that suffering was what gave me my pleasure but that was obviously what God wanted so I said yes
I started doing it in the chapel at home, whip myself into a frenzy, peel off the skin, exposing my weakness and then clean up my mess and eat supper like nothing had happened. My secrets began there
As I passed into my mid teens with the Duncans thinking I was a saint the supervision became less and less, and I found out that other people were receptive to me, very receptive. They liked my eyes and my hair, my voice and my smile and so bible readings in the home with other families from the church would become touching under the kitchen table.
Rushes of hormones so strong I was dizzy, panting kisses and little bites, hands running up legs and up further and further and I found out what was at the top didn't matter for me, all that mattered was that they wanted me
I lived for the excited noise they made when they saw my dick, looking at it with big round eyes before wrapping their hands or mouths around it and pulling me deeper and deeper into a prison of lust
My first time with a girl, oh such soft skin, such smooth lips, she smelled like flowers and summer and purred like a happy little kitten as I filled her up, she told me to be quick and I was. I couldn’t have lasted longer if I wanted, the wet grip, pulling me deep inside, watching her bite her lip, trying to catch my breath, not moan or cry out
Smiling up at me as she dragged bloody scars into my back and whispered “yesyesyes”
My first time with another boy, he tasted so different to her,he was rougher, more frantic. I learned that a blowjob from another guy has a precision. I also learned it doesn’t just slide right in either….no no….working up to it takes time but that when it’s in...the thick width of a cock filling me was just as satisfying as the wet grasp of a pussy.
I revelled in the difference of penetrating and being penetrated, to be the passive and the aggressive, to know I could make people lose their minds....
As I left for law school, under no supervision I blossomed, as did others and that you didn't always have to choose between male or female attention in your night.
You could mix and match in endless combinations and I learned one of my favourite things was being between a man and a woman, feeling her writhe and moan and feeling her squeeze around me as I was penetrated, and feeling his hot breath on my neck, looking down as my cock filled her and feeling full myself.
Entire days could go by spent in rooms with the right chemicals and company. I also learned I was the perfect whore, no shame, no inhibitions and no kink I wouldn't try, I fucked and sucked, I licked and dicked, from the second that leash broke I'd been on a mission
Their cries of “yes” and their fluids on me were affirmation that I WAS a good boy, that I didn't deserve those beatings from my father and I wasn't the diseased soul the Duncans claimed, a sinner yes but not unwanted or undesired. A childhood of pain made the pleasure and the affirmation irresistible.
In truth I remember barely anything about anyone, just a series of bodies with nothing in common except it was all about me
They wanted me
They came to my parties
They called my name
Until one day I was at work and someone was calling my name
But it was the only time in decades I actually remembered their name