Chapter Text
Serena Campbell, vascular and general surgeon as well as clinical lead on AAU at Holby City hospital, sat on a fold-out chair in front of the Wyvern Wing of the hospital, wrapped up in her red coat and a black scarf to ward off the cold and bouncing her great-niece come, surrogate granddaughter, Guinevere Elinor Haynes, on her lap and rubbing her back to keep the baby comforted and occupied while her parents had their partnership blessed.
As Serena sat listening to the ceremony her thoughts began to wonder. To say today had not turned out as Serena had envisioned when she woke up this morning would be a complete understatement. She was supposed to have attended her nephew Jason Haynes’s wedding too, Greta Allinson, his long-time girlfriend and the mother of his baby daughter, Guinevere. But scaffolding falling through a stained glass window at the church that morning had meant their vicar and long-standing friend, Alexander ‘Lexy’ Dunblane, had ended up with a piece of stained glass impaled in her abdomen, and Mr Morgan the organist requiring emergency surgery from her partner, the world-renowned ex-army trauma surgeon, Bernice Wolfe.
Bernie.
Thank God Bernie hadn’t been injured and that Jason and Greta’s injuries were minor and superficial. But then the wedding had to be cancelled. With no vicar to conduct it and no venue to hold it in at such short notice, it was not possible to go ahead. However, thanks to a friend of Lexy’s, the Reverend Henry De Havilland, the day had been salvaged with a blessing for the young couple with a promise to hold the wedding properly as soon as they could.
The blessing had also included a second couple, Doctor Dominic Copeland and his partner Nurse Ben ‘Lofty’ Chiltern, who decided to take advantage of the impromptu ‘wedding’ and tie their knot without further delay. No doubt they would arrange a legal wedding at some point. But no matter, the love and commitment to one another from both couples was still the same even without the legal aspect of their unions.
Bernie, had gone against type and read a reading at the blessing. The normally very private and reserved ex-Royal Army Medical Corps major and trauma surgeon, who hated public speaking, had reluctantly agreed to stand up in front of all the couples friends, family and colleagues gathered to witness both couples receiving their blessing. Serena smiled remembering their conversation the day before when she informed the blonde that Jason had a reading he wanted her to read. Bernie’s initial response was to decline the request soon gave way to her acquiescence and agreeing to the young man she was very fond of wishes. Telling Serena in the process that she would, in fact, do it for Serena.
And yet again at that moment, Bernie proved she would do anything to make the silver-haired vascular surgeon happy. It appeared that Bernie’s personal crusade was to always secure Serena Wendy Campbell’s eternal happiness. And so the words of the reading Bernie was now delivering, about being the right sort of animal where life partners were concerned, were painfully hitting home with Serena. She loved Bernie, loved her deeply and dearly. But Jason had got her thinking about her future with Bernie. She had hurt her. She had been utterly awful and unbearable when the grief of losing her daughter had consumed her. She was still amazed that Bernie wanted to be her friend, let alone her girlfriend, after what she had put her through for the past two years.
And now the whole fiasco with Doctor Faulkner was out in the open and her girlfriend was willing to forgive her, work with her to rectify the issues which had caused the infidelity, and build their future together by resigning from the Nairobi Trauma Centre she had set up and come home to Serena so they could do this relationship thing properly.
But was that fair on Bernie? Was that enabling Bernie to have what she not only needed but wanted, and most importantly of all, would it make Bernie happy? Her heart ached at the answer. No, it wouldn’t. The distance and separation were making them both miserable and life simply felt like it was in constant limbo and on hold. If she truly loved Bernie and she really truly did. She loved her more than any other lover or partner she had ever had. Then there was only one course of action to take.
Bernie had returned to her seat giving her girlfriend a small warm smile. She could tell by the way Serena was holding herself that she was tense. Stressed no doubt over the events of the day. It was becoming obvious to Bernie that Serena had yet to draw the veil over recent events.
The blonde was also mulling over the words of the reading she had given earlier, The Right Kind of Animal, ringing in her head. Her absence from Serena’s life had caused the infidelity. Well no, she quickly corrected herself, it had not. Serena’s libido had caused that, but her absence had meant her girlfriend had found comfort and release in the arms of another woman. Well, at least it wasn’t a man she chuckled to herself in her head, and then sobered immediately, reminding herself that whilst it was a woman it was a much younger, vibrant, fun and beautiful woman all the same.
Her self-deprecating doubt was back in a flash. It was never far away. She sighed inwardly. Was she now actually surplus to requirements? Why would Serena want her when she had young beautiful, Leah Faulkner, hanging on her every word? Why would she want her when Serena could be in Leah’s bed?
This particular doubting Thomas voice always had the annoying and irritating habit of sounding exactly like her ex-husband, Marcus Dunn. The sneering tone she had been on the receiving end far too many times during her twenty-five-year marriage to the orthopaedic consultant surgeon she would recognise anywhere. This is karma it mocked. Was it?
Was it payback for her cheating on Marcus with, Captain Alex Dawson? Her army colleague and fellow doctor. Her friend. Her own subordinate! Was she also a hypocrite for calling Serena out for an affair with her F1?
***
Albie's, the local bar frequented by the staff of Holby City hospital was packed with family, friends and colleagues of Jason, Greta, Dom and Lofty. Both couples celebrating with a joint reception in the bar following their partnership blessings. As the couples, Serena and Bernie entered the bar was already packed with people standing about drinking, chatting and a few dancing to the David Gray song, “This Year’s Love”.
“This year's love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own too long
And when ya hold me like you do
It feels so right oh now
I start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on
Turning circles and time again
Cut like a knife oh now
If ya love me got to know for sure
'Cause it takes something more this time
Than sweet, sweet lies oh now
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
When ya kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing, "ain't this life so sweet?"
This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last
'Cause who's to worry if our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't ya know this life goes on?
Won't ya kiss me on that midnight street?
Sweep me off my feet
Singing, "ain't this life so sweet?"
This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last
Woah woah woah I yeah
This year's love had better last.”
Serena took a glass of complimentary Champagne and handed it to Bernie and then retrieved one for herself.
“Something else wasn’t it”, Bernie said as the two women made their way through the throng of well-wishers with their complimentary Champagne.
“The Reverend Henry De Havilland, where did he come from?” the once brunette but now silver-haired vixen said.
“Studio fifty-four”, Bernie answered and smirked.
Serena chuckled as they took their seats at the bar. “Yeah, you know, he did a pretty good job in the end given the circumstances.”
Serena took a sip of her Champagne. The small talk was a distraction from the tension that had built around Serena since Bernie had joined her at the entrance to Wyvern Wing just before the blessing. Bernie had a sinking feeling in her stomach. Something was off. It had been a long, tiring and emotionally painful day. And the emotional pain wasn’t over yet. Not by a long shot.
As Serena set her glass down she spoke in a softer more serious tone, “Bernie, umm.”
Here it is. Here we go the blonde trauma surgeon thought. She held onto her glass and remained silent. She knew where this was heading, but at the same time, she wanted to believe it wasn’t. Because Bernie believed after all they had endured and survived that they were strong enough to remain together, even after Serena’s infidelity. Love should always be enough.
Serena fidgeted in her seat and stared at the ceiling unable to look Bernie in the eye for fear of backing out of what she must do. What she needed to do. “You know your idea of us coming home from work, together, and having a gossip about who fancies who. You can picture that, can you?”
Bernie remained silent. The ache in her heart was already unbearable. The bile rising in her stomach making her feel nauseated. If she ran now she wouldn’t have to hear what was inevitably coming next and if she didn’t hear it then it hadn’t happened.
There were two problems with that option. The first being that she didn’t think her legs would support her if she tried to stand up let alone run. And the second was that Major Berenice Griselda Wolfe didn’t run from her emotions these days. She stood firm and faced them down like any enemy she had been sent to confront during her twenty-five-year army career. So she remained seated. Watching Serena intently.
Listening to every word, every syllable. Bernie didn’t trust herself to speak yet. Her throat too dry would give her emotions away. Wanting to hear everything Serena had to say first. Knowledge, after all, was power and whatever she decided to do next had to be based on all the information she had to hand at the moment. That meant listening to Serena’s reasons for them to break up no matter how much it was hurting her to hear it.
The silver-haired vascular surgeon continued, incorrectly taking Bernie’s silence for her acquiesce, and needing to explain her change in heart regarding their relationship Serena added, “It's Jason’s fault”. At Bernie’s questioning look Serena made it clear that her change of mind had honestly only been due to a recent conversation with her nephew. “Really. He tried to get me to imagine you pushing a swing. Telling stories of danger in far off places. Everything you’d leave behind.”
Bernie found her voice. Found the courage to speak and fight for them, “For us!”
But the killer blow was just a breath away. Serena sighed. Knowing the fundamental thing about her girlfriend. That she would always do what made Serena happy, so long as that wasn’t harmful to Serena, despite any potentially devastating consequences to Bernie’s heart. Serena would always come first. Always. And the blonde, after all, was a woman of few words.
She had to do this. She had to make Bernie understand that it was not going to work for them. That it was over. She turned to face the blonde again, this woman was the greatest love she had ever had, and she was about to break both their hearts with her next words. “I didn’t fall in love with a suburban Bernie Wolfe.”
There it was thought, Bernie. Serena didn’t want her anymore.
“I don’t want to see you putting the bins out in your slippers.” Serena tried to lighten her tone and inject a little humour into the situation.
But it was clear to Bernie that Serena couldn’t imagine being with her in a domestic setting. It was over. It was becoming too painful for her. So Bernie hid her pain and tried to be light and nonchalant in her reply, “Well I don’t wear slippers.”
Bernie smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. Serena could see the hurt in the brown eyes gazing back at her. Could almost see the cogs turning in Bernie’s head as she tried to reason with Serena’s words and comprehend a way out that would keep them together. And so Serena pressed on with her objective to set her Wolfe free.
“If you gave it all up for me. I’d never forgive myself,” Serena admitted.
Then there was silence. Serena couldn’t look Bernie in the eye and Bernie desperately wanted to argue that Serena was more than worth giving up her trauma centre in Nairobi for. And anyway that was her decision. Not to mention correcting the ridiculous notion that she didn’t put bins out or push swings. Bernie couldn’t fathom where this notion had come from.
Bernie was already out of the army, working at Holby City hospital on Keller Ward as a general surgeon when she met Serena in the car park outside the hospital’s Wyvern Wing over a cactus alternator two years previously. She was already technically suburban. But there was that look in Serena’s eyes. An almost pleading look said to her, “Please don’t fight me on this. Please just accept what I am saying. It’s what I want.”
And Bernie could never deny Serena what she wanted and what would make her happy. Bernie was also a realist. She would not beg someone to remain with her. That was a redundant tactic. If one person in a relationship no longer wanted to be in that relationship then it was over. Serena clearly wanted out. Time for Bernie to do the mature thing and let her go gently with love and grace, even if she wants to grab hold of Serena and cling on tight and tell her she was never letting go, never leaving again. But she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. Because that wasn’t what her now ex-girlfriend wanted or seemed to need.
“Well I won’t ask you to come back with me to Nairobi. We’ve been there.” Bernie paused gesturing around them with a roll of her eyes around the room. “And if you left all of this. If you left your family, you wouldn’t be the person I fell in love with either.” She paused again gathering the courage to continue. To let Serena go in a way that Serena would believe Bernie agreed with her sentiments over them not remaining together.
“See I can picture you, coming home and laughing with someone, gossiping.” Bernie paused again for a moment. Focusing on her glass and moving it forward on the bar before looking up at Serena and continuing, “But, err, it’s not me. I’m not in that picture.”
Serena’s heart was breaking. What had she started? How long had Bernie felt like this? So this had been the right thing to do for her brave major after all. The voice in her head sneered, “Not yours anymore Campbell!” She wanted to take it all back.
Tell Bernie she had made a huge mistake. She loved her so much. But Bernie wasn’t putting up any fight. She had just agreed with everything Serena had said. “Let her go, Serena,” the same inner voice said only more gently this time. “Let. Her. Go!”
Serena glanced down at her left hand as Bernie took hold of it. She covered Bernie’s hand with her right hand. Holding the other woman’s hand tightly between both of hers. Bernie’s presence and touch anchoring and grounding her like they always did.
Bernie continued to talk softly and with love, “I do know. I know, that we will always love each other. But we just can’t be together and that’s sad, but you shouldn’t suffer loneliness because you can’t be with the person you love.”
Serena informed her sincerely, “I wouldn’t want you to be lonely either.”
Bernie, not making any eye contact with Serena, replied, “I probably won’t be one way or another.”
Serena felt her heart shatter at the thought of someone else in Bernie’s arms and in her bed. She swallowed the jealousy. After all, she couldn’t berate Bernie when she herself had been unfaithful. She gave the blonde a wane smile, “I did wonder. And I don’t blame you obviously.”
Bernie trying to lighten the mood replied, “We’re just not the right sort of animal.”
Serena smiled, although it didn’t reach her eyes, “No.”
There was a clink of glass to get everyone’s attention. Serena turned to see what was happening. Bernie sat gazing at her. Taking everything in a final time. She would have to leave soon because the pain was becoming too unbearable.
Lofty began to sing the Yazoo song “Only You” at Dom, while Jason and Greta had their first dance.
“Looking from a window above it’s like a story of love
Can you hear me?
Come back only yesterday I’m moving further away
Want you near me
All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you
Sometimes when I think of her name when it’s only a game
And I need you
Listen to the words that you say it’s getting harder to stay
When I see you
All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew (All I ever Knew)
Only you.
This is going to take a long time and I wonder what’s mine
Can’t take no more (Can’t take no more)
Wonder if you’ll understand it’s just the touch of your hand
Behind a closed door
All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew (All I ever Knew)
Only you.”
The two women were now stood with their backs to the bar. The lyrics of the song were poignant and washed over Bernie. She would have to leave soon. The pain in her heart was becoming far too unbearable. They looked at each other at the same time. Smiling at one another fondly.
Bernie leaned into Serena slightly so only her former girlfriend can hear her and states very clearly, “Obviously. Obviously, if anyone hurts you I will be on the first flight home.”
They stand gazing at each other for a couple of heartbeats. Bernie’s emotions clear in her eyes. Serena can’t speak. She would break if she uttered a single word at that moment, but she managed a smile instead. Bernie was the only one for her and she was letting her go. She had to believe it was for the best of reasons, love. Because she loved this woman with all her heart and wanted her to be happy. So her own self-inflicted misery would ultimately be worth it if Bernie was happy. Serena turned back to watch Jason and Greta dancing while Lofty continued to sing. Bernie took a fortifying drink of her Champagne.
The evening was progressing and other couples were now dancing. Bernie and Serena stood in the corner their arms around each other swaying to the song now playing, “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran.
“I found a love for me
Darling just dive right in
And follow my lead
Well I found a girl beautiful and sweet
I never knew you were the someone waiting for me
'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love
Not knowing what it was
I will not give you up this time
But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own
And in your eyes, you're holding mine
Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favourite song
When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath
But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight
Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know
She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home
I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets
To carry love, to carry children of our own
We are still kids, but we're so in love
Fighting against all odds
I know we'll be alright this time
Darling, just hold my hand
Be my girl, I'll be your man
I see my future in your eyes
Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favourite song
When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful
I don't deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight
Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favourite song
I have faith in what I see
Now I know I have met an angel in person
And she looks perfect
I don't deserve this
You look perfect tonight.”
Bernie could curse a blue streak at whoever was coming up with these bloody romantic song choices. She had to concede they were perfect for a wedding reception and the celebration of love, even if they were like a dagger to her broken heart.
Serena excused herself to get a drink and walked towards the bar. Bernie watched her go with a loving smile. Taking in her former girlfriend. Drinking in the sight of the woman who was most definitely the one. Storing to memory the look, sound, smell and feel of Serena Wendy Campbell to sustain her in the months and years to come. She turned and walked to the door. It was time to go.
Greta had chosen that moment to throw her bouquet. Serena turned around at the sudden commotion and caught the tossed bouquet which caused much mirth with all those assembled. The first person Serena wanted to share the moment with was, of course, Bernie, it was always Bernie she turned to, but the blonde wasn’t there. She couldn’t see her and began to search the room for the woman who owned her heart asking people near her “Where’s Bernie?”
Bernie was stood by the door watching her. When Serena finally located her she smiled. Her eyes softening and her smile reaching them as she took in the sight of the beautiful blonde she was letting getaway. Her Major would always own her heart. Bernie returned the smile with a warm loving one of her own. She saluted Serena with two fingers taped to her left temple, winked and walked out.
At that moment Serena felt the panic rise within her and wanted to run out the door after Bernie and ask her once again to please wait for her. But she didn’t because she had to let the greatest love of her life go. Because that was the right thing to do. She was soon pushed forward into a conga dance putting on a brave face for her nephew and friends. It was after all his special day and she wouldn’t ruin it for anything or anyone.
There would be time later that night when she got home to an empty house and an even emptier bed to mourn the loss of Major Berenice Griselda Wolfe as her partner. And Serena was in no doubt that in the days, months and years to come she would find Bernie’s absence from her life painful. She didn’t think anyone could get over Bernie Wolfe once they had let her into their heart.