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It’s comeback day today.
It’s comeback day and his heart is pulsating and pounding, ramming in his rib cage.
It’s comeback day and Hansol’s hands might be shaking. He doesn’t want to look too closely at his fingers just in case it’s true.
It’s comeback day and they’re all sweating the practice room.
“Should need to do that move a couple more times.” Called Soonyoung from the front. “It needs to go smoother.”
Hansol’s glad that he can mindlessly follow Soonyoung’s commands. He walks back to his position and even though his mind is buzzing and trembling he manages to ignore it, pushing it into the furthest corner of his mind.
The music starts to play again and Hansol’s limbs try move synchronised with the rest of the members.
Everyone’s tired and exhausted. Apart from the song that plays from the speakers, he could hear the breaths and grunts and feet moving across the floor. Hansol needs to remind himself to breathe.
He’s tired and down and kind of just wants to forget the whole comeback. He knows he shouldn’t think like that- no one else is. They’ve been working so hard, Hansol’s probably holding them back. That’s probably why they haven’t won a daesang.
The music stops.
“Again.” Soonyoung says.
Nobody really talks in between rehearsals. Which is good for Hansol because he can focus more on pushing the nagging feeling that yanks, drags, grabs and shoves him around. He should be focusing. Focus, focus, focus. Focusing . FOCUSING.
He bites the inside of his cheek.
The music starts.
He’s moving rapidly, quickly. His feet trying to keep in time with the beat. He tastes iron on his tongue. He’s focusing. He’s focusing, right? There’s sweat that glides down his back. He needs to breathe. There’s not enough time in between. He needs to get to the other side of the room. Quick! He barely makes it. The floor is slippery. Shoes squeak on the surface of the floor. He needs to step back. His ankle hurts. It doesn’t matter. No one else is complaining. He chews on his lip. He concentrates and concentrates and tries to concentrate. He’s up front now. Concentrate. Don’t look at the mirror. He doesn’t want to disappoint himself. He goes back. He stumbles. No one notices. Right? The chorus starts again.
“Stop.”
Hansol’s really shaking now.
No he’s not.
Yes he is.
No. He’s not .
His ankle throbs.
“It still looks messy.” That’s his fault. “We need to move together. Make sure to be at your position on the exact beat.” Hansol wants the ground to take pity on him and swallow him up. “Hansol.” Soonyoung called. He jerked his head up. “You stumbled a few times. Make sure you figure out how to move from one place to another. Everyone else we need to...”
Hansol doesn’t hear the rest. He’s too busy feeling numb. He’s too busy feeling nothing to feel anything at all.
He obviously needs to try harder.
They start again and Hansol knows he’s really really really trying his best. He knows they’ve been practicing since 9pm but now it was 4am.
He doesn’t remember when the last time he took a break was.
He doesn’t remember if he ate dinner.
He doesn’t remember if he drank anything since practice started.
He’s too preoccupied with trying to keep his tears in and trying to ignore the pain that shoots up his ankle. It doesn’t matter. He barely feels it over the rest of his pain. He might even deserve it.
Serves him right.
He really doesn’t want to keep moving.
They go over moves again and again and again and again. Hansol can’t keep up with them.
He will have to. He just needs to try harder.
Why did he feel so bad?
“You’re doing great guys!” Soonyoung praised. “A lot better than before.”
Not him. Not him. How can Soonyoung say that? He’s not moving well enough. Not him.
His eyes well up again. He looks to the ground.
His teeth sink into his lip. He draws blood. He barely notices.
He doesn’t want to cry.
“Hansol?”
He hears Mingyu in the distance. His hands are still shaking. He grits his teeth.
“Hansol? Can you hear me?”
He doesn’t move. Mingyu’s going to tell him off for not doing well for their couple dance.
Murmurs fill the room. They’re judging him. He isn’t strong enough to be in the group. They’re pitying him. Poor baby. Poor baby Hansol. Can’t even dance to a beat.
A hand presses against is shoulder. A gentle pressure. Grounding.
“Hansol?” Mingyu asks again.
Hansol nods.
He doesn’t realise how quick his breaths have become.
Mingyu notices what’s happening and pulls Hansol to his chest.
He’s safe. He’s safe. He’s safe.
“You’re safe. You’re safe.” Mingyu says.
He’s safe.
He gasps for air. Shuddering and quivering.
“Shh.” Mingyu comforts. “Just take deep breaths. In and out. In and out.”
Mingyu’s chest rises and falls against Hansol’s head.
It’s helpful. He tries to follow Mingyu. It’s difficult.
He grasps at his hyungs shirt.
“It’s ok.” Mingyu whispers. “It’s ok baby. It’s ok if you can’t. Just getting through it is brave enough for me.”
Hansol’s sob echos in the quiet room. Heart wrenching.
Members are stood scattered around the room. The atmosphere was tense, like a tightly wired guitar string ready to snap. They all wish they could help.
It takes a while for Hansol to calm down. He doesn’t want to look out from Mingyu’s embrace. But, he doesn’t have to because Mingyu doesn’t let go of him.
Another hand rests on his back. “Let’s take a break.” Seungcheol said. “The rest can practice without us.
He’s guided to the back wall of the practice room. They sit him down, wrapped up in Mingyu’s protective embrace.
Seungcheol’s doe eyes are soft and sad, his hand reaching up to brush away Hansol’s curls from his tear stained face. The boy snuggles deeper into Mingyu’s arms.
Hansol looked exhausted.
Wonwoo had also followed them. Hansol was selfishly glad. Without Wonwoo with him as well, he wouldn’t feel complete.
Sniffling, Hansol finally raised his eyes to survey the room. The rest of the members have gone back to practicing individually, but it seemed that Hansol’s outburst had affected everyone. Even Soonyoung danced disheartedly.
Seungcheol, Wonwoo and Mingyu remained silent. Watching their Hansol grip at Mingyu’s arm anxiously, eyes darting around the room.
“You don’t have to join them Sollie.” Seungcheol murmured, fingers dragging through his hair.
Hansol’s eyebrows furrowed. “No. I should.” He twisted around Mingyu’s lap pitifully but he couldn’t escape. A whimper escaped his throat.
Mingyu kissed the crown of Hansol’s head. “Don’t.” He said. “You’ve overworked yourself. You need to rest.”
“No I don’t.” Hansol whined, sniffling. “I can’t drag everyone down just because I can’t stay on beat.”
“It’s more than that Hansol.” Wonwoo argued back. “You’d hurt yourself if you continue.”
“So? Who cares?” He cried. “I’m not trying hard and everyone knows it. It’s my fault we can’t dance properly. It’s my fault we’re practicing so slowly. Everything is my fault.”
Seungcheol’s eyes watered.
“Don’t say things like that.” Mingyu scolded. He placed more kisses onto Hansol’s head. “You’re our everything.”
Hansol scoffed. “Yeah right.” He said. “All I do is overreact and I’m never working hard enough.” His trembling fingers dig harder against Mingyu’s flesh. “I shouldn’t be here.” His voice cracked. “I shouldn’t be in the group if I’m going to be like this.”
Wonwoo stretched to take Hansol’s nails out of their aggressive hold on Mingyu’s arm. He entwined their fingers together, his thumbs rubbing against Hansol’s hands, soothing and calming.
Wonwoo begins to speak in his low, soothing deep voice. “Sol, you composed our song, you’ve worked so hard. You belong with us.”
“Hansol-ah.” Seungcheol said quietly. “Please don’t say that about yourself. It’s hurting me.”
Hansol looks up at Seungcheol. His mouth is parted in a grimace and his grip on Hansol’s hair tightened. He looked like he was in physical pain.
Wonwoo sighed, looking down at their hands. “Nothing is your fault Sol.” He said. “Your body just isn’t looking after you properly. You’re still our hardworking Hansol, you’re just going through some things right now.”
Hansol’s lip trembled. “I don’t want to go through anything.” Hansol croaked. “I don’t want to feel this shitty everyday. I don’t want to feel so empty and heavy inside. I want to be normal again.”
“I know baby.” Wonwoo replied. “It’s just going to take some time.”
“We don’t have time!” Hansol exclaimed. His voice cracked.
“It’s not about Seventeen.” Seungcheol says. “It’s about you and your well-being. If we can’t work the pace Pledis expects us to, I’ll go speak to the CEO myself.”
“Don’t.” Hansol said. “Don’t.” He repeated.
“No.” Seungcheol firmly disagreed. “I refuse to watch you struggle to keep your head above the water.”
“No.” Hansol started to cry again. “I just need to try a bit harder. I’m okay.”
Seungcheol gritted his teeth.
“Nonie,” Mingyu tenderly said, “You’re not okay. You’ve been skipping meals and find it hard to get out of bed in the morning. You struggle to concentrate when you write lyrics and you’re constantly tired. We know you’re not okay Hansol.”
Hansol couldn’t speak. His three hyungs looked at him.
He finally moved his tongue. “No.” He said this with great difficulty. “No. I am okay.”
“No Hansol.” Wonwoo said. “You’re not.”
“No I am.” He was crying freely now. Mingyu’s big hands came up to wipe his tears away. “I am, I am, I am.” He blubbered.
“Hansol…” Seungcheol started to speak. “Hansol, You’re not okay baby.”
“B-But, I’m trying to be.” He spoke through his tears with great difficulty.
“I know baby.” Seungcheol spoke gently. “It’s not your fault Sollie. Things like this just happen. It’s okay to not be okay.”
“I’m sorry.” Hansol weeped. “I’m sorry I’m not strong enough.”
Mingyu cuddled Hansol more, snuffling quietly.
“You’re already being so strong.” Wonwoo clasped Hansol’s hand’s tightly with his. “So, so strong.”
“Am I really hyung?” Hansol asked, his eyes rimmed red.
Wonwoo cooed. “Of course you are. You’re the strongest of us all.”
Hansol ducked his head down shyly. He still felt really down, but, with his hyung’s encouraging him he can’t help but to feel a little warm inside.
“Thank you Wonwoo-hyung”
Seungcheol sighed. He had never felt so helpless watching someone. He shuffled closer to his dongsaeng and pulled him from Mingyu’s hold. Hansol was pliant, and allowed Seungcheol to adjust him comfortably over his lap. He latched onto his leaders middle, pressing his face into Seungcheol’s tummy.
His legs were still draped over Mingyu, and Wonwoo moved closer to press a kiss onto Hansol’s shoulder.
“Go to sleep Hansol-ah.” Seungcheol told him. “You deserve it.”
Maybe Seungcheol was right. Maybe Hansol did deserve it.
He doesn’t.
But everyone else said he does.
No. They’re lying.
Seungcheol-hyung, Wonwoo-hyung and Mingyu-hyung would never lie to him.
The voice in his head quietened down.
They were right though. Hansol wasn’t okay.
But right now, even though he wasn’t okay, he was almost okay with being not okay now.