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Kagami, being a return student who’d spent the better part of his life in a foreign country, is well aware that there’s still a huge gap in his understanding of certain tenets of Japanese culture. He’s not that stupid, and never mind what Hyuuga says to the contrary. It stands to figure that having spent most of his childhood in America; he’d be bound to suffer a case of culture shock sooner or later.
Still, he thinks. Would it have killed any of them to mention the fucking tentacle monster?
“Let go of me!” he yells, tugging – futilely – at a particularly adventurous, questing appendage. It’s somehow wormed its way underneath his shirt, slithering back and forth across his chest in an apparent attempt to get his nipples to harden.
“Kagami-kun, you have to stop squirming,” Kuroko informs helpfully from somewhere below, and Kagami would gladly have kicked his ass, if only he weren't, y’know, dangling twenty feet up in the freaking air.
“You’re only agitating it more, Kagami-kun,” Kiyoshi tells him genially, shading his eyes against the glare of the sun and beaming up at Kagami like an idiot. “It thrives on the fear of its victims.”
“I don’t care! Just get it off me!” Seriously, what is wrong with these people?
“There’s nothing we can do,” Riko yells at him. “These things have to run their course!”
Which, is she fucking serious?! “It’s trying to get into my pants! It’s molesting me, and you’re just gonna stand there and watch?!” Kagami feels more than justified in his anger. He feels whole and safe and not betrayed in it.
“I’m afraid it can’t be helped,” Hyuuga adds, arms crossed firmly over his chest and nodding sagely. “It’s as much part of the Japanese way of life as onsen and udon. Unavoidable, really.”
“I don’t fucking care!” If he lives to survive the ordeal, Kagami will tell everyone and anyone who asks that this is why he has no respect for his seniors. The… whatever-it-is lets out a deviously pleased gargling sound. And that, more than anything, is what finally breaks Kagami’s spirit.
“I’m still a virgin!” he screams, desperate. The monster gurgles in a happily anticipatory way, that, to be honest, does nothing for Kagami’s peace of mind.
“Well, if that’s the case, why didn't you say so sooner you dumb ass?!” Hyuuga bellows, and suddenly, there’s a flurry of activity down below. Kagami closes his eyes and bids his virginity farewell as a slick, probing digit makes its way down the back of his practice shorts.
“IGNITE PASS KAI!”
There’s a hideous, soul-splitting scream and then the tentacles start thrashing. It’s like being at Disney World again, Kagami thinks faintly, only minus the fun and double the terror. It’s as the one he’s wrapped up in swings low to the ground that a blur of motion captures his eye. It’s vaguely orange and ball-shaped. The tentacle drops him like a brick. The world goes black, and Kagami is just relieved that he doesn't have to be conscious a single second longer.
When he cracks open his eyes, it’s to find Kuroko frowning down at him.
“You – “ Kagami begins, trying to raise a hand with which to point ominously at Kuroko’s person.
“Yes me,” Kuroko says, before bunching a fist in Kagami’s uniform shirt and yanking him up for a kiss.
It takes Kagami two minutes to get his breath back when they break apart, and Kuroko doesn’t even look the slightest bit ashamed.
“I nearly got molested because of you,” Kagami growls. His head hurts and there are little black dots that dance merrily across his vision from time to time, but mostly, he’s slightly hurt and greatly insulted and very, very angry.
“It’s your own fault, Kagami-kun,” Kuroko sniffs. “If you’d just told me you were a virgin, I’d never have let it near you. I’m very possessive of what’s mine, you know.”
“I hate you so much,” Kagami mutters, beet red.
“You can make up for it at length after we've cleaned up the monster goop,” Kuroko informs him, the faintest hint of a smile playing about his lips. “Kantoku will be very upset if we leave the gym like this.”
Kagami sags back onto the ground and presses the heels of his palms to his eyes. He may be Japanese, but he’ll never for the life of him understand the fascination with tentacle porn.