Work Text:
Title: How To Seduce Your Bandmate In Six Easy Steps, by Matthew James Bellamy
Author: 
millionstar
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG
Warnings: Language. Crap seduction techniques. Overuse of emoticons.
Summary: Taken from an 
mkmeme prompt: How To Seduce Your Bandmate, By Matthew James Bellamy. I hope the OP approves.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse, no profit is being made, and this is complete fiction.
Beta/Support: As always, the Boo - dolce_piccante - and thank you to theyellow_daisy for emergency feedback/assistance! <3
Author's Note: I literally can't remember the last time I had so much fun writing something. If you decide to read, thank you, and I hope you enjoy!
How To Seduce Your Bandmate In Six Easy Steps
by Matthew James Bellamy
Hello! Thank you for purchasing this essay! I am super stoked and honored to offer you some advice as you begin the beautiful, magical, and special journey that is Seducing Your Bandmate! Herein you will find some first-rate advice that is sure to work.
Possibly.
I mean, I hope that it will work. I don't have a crystal ball or anything so I can't, like, be sure that it will. But, fingers crossed!
Well, it will work on male drummers with blonde hair, at least. If your bandmate is not an English, male drummer then, well, you're on your own. If your bandmate is an English, male drummer, then yay!
So! Here we go:
1. Be yourself!
In attempting to garner the favor of the Object of Your Desire, (we'll call them the OYD from here on out because omg typing is tiring) the first piece of advice I can offer is to simply be yourself.
It's possible that, since the OYD is, in fact, your bandmate, he probably knows you pretty well, especially if you started out young or have been friends for a long time. This is a good thing, because it means that you don't need to pretend to be something you aren't, like a secret agent or a banana farmer.*
Most likely you two are friends, well, I would certainly hope so at least, because you're in a band together, which means he hasn't run screaming into the night yet. If you have decided that you want to get even closer to him, sweet! Try and bring him into some of the things you like, that you experience in your daily life. Point out to him the things that you love. And, don't give up! If he says that he hates it when you eat cereal with your fingers and when you use his moisturizer to wank with, that just means that you need to work harder to get him to accept who you are at heart. These are things about you that he will, one day, come to love and cherish!
For example, Dom used to just, like, ignore me whenever I started going on and on about one of my many conspiracy theories. At first, it hurt my feelings, but he got used to it in time. Now, when I bring them up, he makes eye contact and smiles and nods.** Success! \o/
Just be the person you are, no matter how fabulous or quirky.
* Because man, that shit is exhausting. And not always legal.
** He also blinks and yawns a lot. Note: buy Dom some eye drops.
2. Mind your personal hygiene!
If, and this is critical, you are sharing close living quarters, be mindful of your bandmates. This is especially important if one of them is the OYD, because you do not want to repel him.
Yes, yes I know what you're thinking. Matt, why the fuck should I change my socks every day? Isn't daily showering really, really overrated? Fuck you, I've only worn that shirt twice this week, it's not dirty yet! Believe me, I hear you, I really, really hear you. Time spent on your appearance is time that you could be using to reread 1984 again, am I right? (You do know 1984, right? The book, 1984?*) Well, not so much. For the longest time I thought that Dom thought it was charming and funny that I was, well, I don't want to say a slob, let's say...a free spirit instead. Turns out I was wrong.
We were drunk and horsing around in the tour bus one night and I shoved one of my dirty socks into his mouth and he ended up in the hospital overnight. Yeah, I dunno either. Something about a strain of potentially lethal bacteria previously unknown to man? I don't know; I'm not a doctor, and in the end nobody pressed charges.
I still think Dom was overreacting. They did pump his stomach, though.
The point is, soap is your friend. Nobody wants to be around a bloke who smells like one of Chris' sweaty football jerseys. Well, unless you're that fan that one time... wait. Where was I?
* It's a book. By George Orwell. It's called 1984.
3. Use your body!
It's so simple. Use what you were born with!
All you need to do is prance around onstage - well, prance sounds dumb as fuck but Chris told me once that I pranced around the stage like a gay fairy on crack* once so perhaps it applies. To enhance your prancing attempts, it's advisable that you wear obscenely tight trousers or jeans. If your trousers are tight in the crotch, it's going to make your inevitable, glorious man bulge super obvious, which the OYD will really love. The tighter the better, especially around the stomach and arse. It does need to be said, though, that if you are going to do that, take it easy on your pre-gig sweets consumption. Just... trust me on that one because onstage there are no toilets, my friends. There are no toilets.
You might want to consider some over-the-top moves. I know Dom loves it when I bust them out onstage, cos he laughs a lot when I do. I like to think I won his heart with them, if you want the truth.
Get into it, just fucking go for it! Trust me, nothing screams Sex God like a few awesomely timed knee slides. Also, point at random things a lot for no discernable reason - it adds mystery and a bit of ~Sensual Confusion~. Once you're out there, make eye contact with him and smile a lot. Engage your best duckface. If you're feeling super horny I mean cheeky, wink a bit. Walk, no, prance, over to his drum riser and take a swig of water from your water bottle... but do it seductively. Don't just take a drink from the bottle, fellate that motherfucker**. If you're feeling really adventurous you could prance over and sit on top of his bass drum as well. This can help you make eye contact with the OYD. It makes you look wicked cool and it's just an added bonus that it tickles your balls.
A fucking awesome added bonus, for what it's worth. ;)
* He didn't really mean it. I don't think. Note: text Chris when done with list.
** Don't be alarmed if the OYD looks frightened and or horrified when you do that. He's just never seen anything so blatantly sexy and magnificent before, that's all.
4. Brie. Lots of brie.
Trust me. I don't really understand it but Dom really, really digs it a lot. It makes him smile, and I like to see him smile.
They say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. (I always thought the way to a man's heart was found by cutting his chest open and splitting his ribs but whatever) In the case of the OYD, it doesn't have to be a prissy-arse French cheese, it can be any food at all! Whether it's bacon, gummy bears, or pasta, find out what the OYD likes to eat and present it to him at any and every opportunity you can. It will show that you've been paying attention and that's gonna earn you some points. If you are really lucky you might end up eating whatever it is off his body at some point, if you get what I mean*.
* I mean sex. Lol!
5. Impress him with your fashion sense!
Look, we can't all be as fashion forward as I am, and that's okay. I've had years of practice, and nobody is judging anyone else here. Clothing is an extension of ourselves, something uniquely individual, and for that reason it's important to let your personal fashion sense shine through like the strangely disturbing beacon of mismatched and frightening beauty that it is. Now, you've probably been told all your life that the clothes you wear need to match. You poor, poor, unfortunate soul. I'm so glad I'm here to set you straight on that urban myth.
If you ask me, being fashion forward means taking risks.
Stand out! Go forth and rock that white shirt with yellow stripes with your best pair of red trousers and neon green flip-flops. You want to wear a suit made of tin foil, gingerbread, and red glitter? (Dude, if so, get out of my head LOL!) The OYD will, no doubt, fall in love with the fact that you dare to be different. That you aren't one of these horribly dull people who wear clothes that match properly. Honestly, I can't think of anything more boring. If you show up at a posh party dressed looking like you're heading out on a fishing trip, well, everyone's eyes will be on you*. Mission accomplished!
Give me an old t-shirt with a pig on it, a pair of orange track pants, a set of magenta earmuffs and a purple thong and I am good to go, my friend. And, let's be honest, who wouldn't want a man who has the confidence to wear something like that?
You tell me, dear reader. You. Tell. Me.
It's all about confidence. Confidence is sexy, and if you are confident, you will ooze sexuality and your OYD will have to take notice.
* Dom's reading over my shoulder and even he agrees on that one! See? ;)
6. Call him names!
Well, it's a ruse, isn't it?
Name calling is a lost artform, an ancient art of seduction. It starts when we're in grade school, doesn't it, and continues well into adulthood. We call each other douches or arseholes or cuntstuffers and it's all in fun*! Find something about the OYD that, oh, I don't know, amuses you, and just go from there. Like, for example, in Dom's case, I sometimes call him a leopard print wearing ponce. Then, he will call me a dick-licking midget. This will go on and on until, YOU GUESSED IT!**
You've all seen that video of us in South America, the one where I call him a Wanker and he gets up and chases me with his drumstick and violates me with it, yeah?
The sex that night was am-a-zing.
The point here is that while name calling might seem cruel and uncalled for, it's not! It's simply another form of expressing your eternal devotion and your intelligence. Confidence is sexy, but so is intelligence - so it's also a prime weapon in your AST! (Arsenal of Seduction Techniques.) The OYD will be enthralled with your brilliance, believe me. Go ahead, call him a vicious, diseased arse licker, then sit back and watch the sexual fireworks begin to manifest, my friend. I hope you brought some lube, because you are gonna need it. LMAO.
*Until you're drunk and call Chris an unfortunate name and the next thing you know you've been duct-taped to the side of a moving tour bus, naked, in the dead of night.
** I mean sex. Again.
That concludes my list. I hope that you found it informative and a little entertaining! If you think that I'm full of shit, well, stop talking to Morgan and Tom, for one, and for two, well, just remember that Dominic and I are deeply in love and extremely happy. I got lucky that I fell in love with my best friend and that he reciprocates those feelings. I hope that this list can help you on your mission to make the OYD your significant other*!
* If it doesn't, you don't get a refund.**
**No, really. You don't.
About the author:
Matthew James Bellamy is a singer/songwriter in the English rock band Muse. This is the fourth in his series of informative essays. His other works include Red Glitter and You, Mastering The Art of The Knee Slide, and the best seller My Conspiracy Is Bigger Than Yours (And So Are My Balls).