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It’s not like they can’t handle Umbridge. She’s just another obstacle on their way, albeit a little more stubborn and certainly a lot more annoying. But Fred and George and Lee can deal with annoying — they’ve got lots of training.
Umbridge thinks the only way to control the rebels at Hogwarts is to put up rules — and more rules, and then a few more rules after that. Unfortunately, what she doesn’t understand is that there is nothing most rebels are better at than bending the rules. It’s an art to perfect, as Fred says.
Most of the things she decides are ridiculous. Lee sometimes wonders if she has some sort of rule-kink, because there seems to be a rule for everything. He usually doesn’t go further down that road though, because thinking about Umbridge’s kinks involves thinking about her in bed which is just — ew.
But it’s their last year, for fucks sake, and Lee would actually rather pee his pants in front of the entire school than leave Hogwarts without a little fun.
They have to be a little careful though. Although getting detention usually doesn’t bother them, detention with Umbridge is bloody dreadful. Lee isn’t sure what horrifies him more, the pink walls and all the cats, or the fact that he has to write sentences in his own blood.
So, to avoid that whole business, they can’t outright break the rules, or at least not get caught doing it. It therefore fits quite well when the three of them show up at the entrance hall one morning and see there has been put up a new rule:
Boys and girls are not permitted within 8 inches of each other.
Lee knows what this means — someone has been caught snogging in the halls and Umbridge, like the soul sucking devil she is, decided that allowing teenagers to be — well, teenagers, is absolutely absurd. But Lee, who for years has trained his eyes to see loopholes in rules, eyes an opportunity. He turns and sees Fred grin at him, and knows exactly what he’s thinking.
————
The day goes by as usual, but Lee is in a good mood. He even smiles at Umbridge as she passes by, who scrunches her face together in return and looks even more like a toad. How those eyes can bulge, Lee thinks and smiles pleasantly, it’s really quite impressive.
Soon enough, it’s dinner and Lee sits down with George at their usual spot at the table. At precisely 5 o’clock, Umbridge turns up, in her finest ugly dress, and takes a seat at the teachers’ table, a satisfied smile on her face. She probably just succeeded in taking away someone’s joy in life, Lee thinks and shudders.
The Great Hall slowly fills up, and Ron, Harry and Hermione sits down with him and George, talking in hushed voices. It sounds like they’re discussing something secret, but they’re always discussing something secret, and Lee can’t be bothered right now.
«Lee!» he hears from behind him, loud enough to draw everyones attention. He smiles, stands up and turns around. Fred is standing with open arms, a devilish smile on his face.
«Lee, darling,» he continues. «Sweetums, sugarplum, honeybear!»
The Great Hall is completely silent. Lee glances at Umbridge, whose face is making the most unattractive expression, and has to fight to keep a straight face. Beside him, George is shaking of laughter.
«I’ve always loved you, Lee,» Fred says dramatically, waving his arms. «You are the sun in my universe, the pearl in my necklace, the underwear in my drawer!»
Ron looks completely scandalized, Harry’s mouth is hanging open, and George seems to be on the verge of crying with laughter.
«Come kiss me, Lee!» Fred finishes, winking seductively.
Lee doesn’t hesitate — in front of two hundred stunned faces he jumps over the bench, takes the few steps over to Fred, grabs his smiling face and kisses him. Maybe someone gasps, maybe someone laughs, Lee can’t hear and he also doesn’t care. He just embraces Fred in the most dramatic and exaggerating way he can. Fred tastes like salty licorice, the ones he’s always eating and his hands tug at Lee’s hair.
When they finally break apart, there is a deafening silence in the Great Hall, except from George’s snorting laughter. Lee looks around to see the Slytherin table completely speechless. Pansy Parkinson elbows Malfoy in the stomach to close his mouth. He hears fast, short steps from behind him. Fred, still with his arms around him, looks over his shoulder and smiles.
«What,» says Umbridge, barely able to keep the sugar sweet tone in her voice, «is this?»
Lee turns around and grins. Her eyes are bulging, and there are spots of pink down her face and neck to match her dreadful dress.
«Oh, professor,» he says innocently, «we were just declaring out never-ending love for each other.»
Umbridge’s chest seems to swell, making her similarity to a toad reach a whole new level. «You seemed to be, ahem, a little bit closer than eight inches away from each other?» she says, an extremely forced smile on her lips.
«Yes, that is one of the requirements for kissing, professor,» says Fred.
«As I recall,» Umbridge says, and the whole room is watching as though hypnotized, «I put up a rule about this distance just this morning.»
«But professor,» Lee says and cocks his head, «wasn’t that rule regarding boys and girls?»
There is a moment of silence where Lee has the pleasure of watching Umbridge’s face go from pink to purple to white to a pale green within a few seconds. Her eyes bulges, yet again, and her chest swells some more, but there is nothing she can do.
She storms off, presumably to put up a rule about boys snogging in The Great Hall, and Lee catches McGonagall’s eye behind her, a smile on her mouth. She nods appreciatively at Lee, and he grins back.
The room is silent for a few seconds after Umbridge is gone, before it erupts in applause. Lee swears he can even see some of the teachers clapping.
«That’s what I’m talking about!» shouts Dean Thomas, and Seamus nods enthusiastically beside him.
They sit down at their table, and people clap them on the shoulder and congratulate them. George is still drying his eyes.
Ron, although red in the face, leans over to tell them it was a funny show. Even Hermione is laughing.
Through the noise, Lee meets Fred’s eyes and grins. Fred grins back, before leaning over and saying: «We’re gonna do that again, right?»
«What, kissing or pissing of Umbridge?» Lee says.
Fred’s answering smirk says it all.