Chapter Text
Last Chapter
After fighting I don’t remember anything, if I do remember something it’s just George is hugging me even though he’s very angry at me. Everyone is just tired of me.
My last relationship went great from the start, I even thought about marrying her one day. Time passed by and I was able to get comfortable with her and she didn’t like me that way.
In reality I am just a person that just doubts everything, I always think about all the little things. She would reassure me a lot when we first started dating but when we passed years in our relationship she just got annoyed because of it.
My ADHD was cute at for her from the start even though its not something to love about a person. Then soon after she got so annoyed by my vocal stims that she would yell at me even though she didn’t mean it.
I was already prepared for our breakup from the start because I knew that someday she would just get pissed. I just didn’t expect her to take her this long to break up with me. If I was her I would break up with two months in our relationship, thats how I think lowly about myself.
Then I met George, he reminds me a lot of my ex in some ways. The way he comforts me were off streaming, the way he speaks, and how he looks at me when we first saw each other on the door of this house. I really didn’t want to fall for someone else because I know damn well that I’m not ready for it.
George is really different, he accepted all of my flaws without him getting something in return. I would always do stuff that would weird people out but he’s just very patient with me, I mean Nick is too but George is different. Even when I punched him I thought that would be the end of our friendship, who even punches their friend for the first time meeting right?
When the first day we slept together I was aware the whole time that he was stroking my hair because I was watching him sleep at the time. During the time his eyes moved I just closed mine to know what he’ll do, I didn’t expect him to touch my hair that much and I just let him do it because I didn’t know how it felt to be touch by someone so lovingly.
I was falling hard for George for doing those little acts, but all I thought about that was were just friends nothing more. That’s the mindset I had during his time in this house. That’s why I was so upset when he cleaned his room next to mine, I tried everything to delay that from happening but in the end he still cleaned it. I think he hates me now.
The time I finally slept alone again all I could remember was the time when I was with her again, how it felt empty to let that part of the bed have no one occupy it. I felt crying that time but I heard a knock, it was him. His presence there made me forget all I was thinking that made me sad, and when he got inside the bed I felt whole again. I have made George a part of me and I don’t want me to be a part of him.
When I said kissed me I was hoping that he didn’t hear that but he kissed me in the lips. What did it mean? Looking at his face at that moment I knew he liked it so I wanted more. I didn’t know kissing someone felt this great, I didn’t know kissing George felt this great.
The morning after in habit and accident I kissed George in the lips, he didn’t mind after. So I guess I can flirt with him? The time in the car where I held his thighs reminded me of the past so much that it started hurting again.
The days we were together all the memories before start to fade with new ones with George. Is this the start of a new pain?
When my mom all of a sudden sets me up with someone, there was no reason to say no right? George and me aren’t a thing, we just do things that couple do and give it no meaning right? I didn’t know George would be angry at that.
I finally fought George, I fucking hate this timing. I fucking hate when I realized that me and George cant be a thing this is the time that he tells me that he loves me? I fucking hate it that I love him after I convinced myself that I don’t like him that much.
All I could do was cry there and I hate it that George wouldn’t get mad at me. I really fucking hate it that he hugged me after I hurt him. I really hate it that we could’ve been together if we had talked about our feelings in the first place.
I fucking hate it that I denied him even though I want him the same way, but I can’t let him destroy his life just because of me.
When I finally woke up I saw all of his stuff gone from the living room so its safe to assume that he left right? Without saying goodbye to me. I entered his room and I can’t see anything from him.
I walked around the room and I can see he left one shirt. It was the shirt I saw him from the first time, I guess Nick forgot to organize the laundries. I smelled the fabric and it reminds me of him. It reminds me of how much I hurt him. It reminds me how much I miss him. Hugging the fabric was the only way I could bring back the memories of cuddling with him in bed.
——
I reminded myself to not sob at the plane that much. Before leaving the house I went inside Clay’s room.
“Goodbye Clay, see you again babe.” I kissed his forehead not long enough to wake him up.
When I exited his room I can see Patches awake for a weird reason. I stroked her hair and I smelled her, she reminds me of Dream so much.
“Dad’s going away now Patches, I’ll see you again I promise.” I hugged Patches because that’s the only thing that can make me feel Clay’s warmth in my arms.
I finally left the house and went to the airport. Some people recognized me but the early morning didn’t give them energy to even talk to me. That’s fine because I’m still so tired from our fight yesterday.
Inside the plane I look at the window and I think of the things we could be if Clay didn’t push me off. My dream would be a reality I think, me and Clay with children sending them off to school. We would probably stream together, we would like announce our relationship to the internet and they would get nuts for it. The guys wouldn’t let us go off the hook without telling them the story on how we got together. I would probably be tired from telling the story repeatedly, but I want to tell that story over and over again until I get tired of it which I wont.
Thinking the outcomes we could’ve been has made this flight much slower than it should be. I know the distance between us was far but I didn’t know it was this far. I hate thinking the things we could’ve been and I didn’t want to cry in this seat.
I stood up and went to the restroom, I cried there for a few minutes I could hear the flight attendants getting worried about me but I explained them that I’m fine. My eyes are swollen when I left the restroom I asked some of the attendants for some sleeping mask so I could sleep all of this pain away. Apparently it worked but waking up will make this pain go back, I wish I could just sleep forever dreaming about the dream I had when I got here to see what he looks like when he’s with me forever.
The plane finally landed, I hate everything right now. Before, I liked going back to England when I had an overseas trip, but now its different. I want to back to America and go back to the house I used to live in. Why do we have to be away from each other when we know we love each other? I still cant understand why Clay said that.
Walking at the airport I can see some people recognize me, they murmur things like “That’s George”, “George’s finally back” I don’t want to interact with them right now so I’ll just try to get away as fast as possible.
I’m in the bus right now with all of my luggages and I’m not used to public transportation anymore because Clay always drove for us. Fuck. I’m thinking about Clay again, its not that I don’t want to forget him, I just don’t want to cry in public again.
I tried not to think about him on my way back, I just thought of my cat that I left at my neighbor’s house and the souvenirs I bought him when me and Clay went inside the pet sto-. There is no way I can not think about him right now, I wonder if he’s okay, if he’s eating, maybe he’s crying and I fucking hate it that I cant be there for him, I cant even call him. Fuck.
I arrived at my street with my luggages, I made a short stop at my neighbor to pick up my cat. After that I finally went back inside my house. The house was not that messy when I got back, some clothes are bundled up together, some dust in the corners nothing unusual.
The space was in need of cleanup so after I put my luggages aside I started cleaning. The loneliness was comforting for me before but now it deafens me. I try to look at my side because when I clean I would always notice Clay watching me for a weird reason. I tried to glance from the sides now and I don’t see him anymore.
“You have to get to used to this George.” I said to myself. I repeated that line like a mantra then all of the emotions start to overwhelm me. Repeating that line made me remember all the fun times I had back in America. My legs are giving up and I just laid down on the corner hugging my knees repeating those words.
“I want to go back to Clay.” I blurted out. Then I started tearing alone in my house with no one else to comfort me.
After that emotional cleaning journey I started to unpack. I opened my luggages that was filled with stream stuff, I put back the equipments just like it was before. This is good, I think to myself. I will be better, I’m going to this slow. The first luggage was down and there are a few items left.
I placed the luggage on the bed so I can pick up my items faster. Then I picked up the camera from the bag. It was us three, I smiled at the picture and I placed my camera right beside the desk. As I looked for more items I saw one photograph. It was me and Clay. The physical picture was now in my hands I look at it and I remember the time we took this photo. I remember that I was reluctant in taking this photo, I was making excuses that the polaroid had no film left. If I were to go back to that time I would have bought more films so I can take more photos like these. As a gesture of friendship I placed that photo behind my phone between the phone case so I can have that photo everywhere I go.
The first luggage was finally empty, I threw the bag at the corner and finally started on my second luggage. The clothes in the luggage was clean, I didn’t remember cleaning my clothes then. I finally placed back all of my clothes to their respective places in the closet. There was one fabric that was very unfamiliar to me and when I smelled it, it was too familiar. It was the shirt that he threw inside the language when we woke up that one morning.
I just hugged the left fabric in my arms, and the smell of the sun was just under my nose. He smelled so good, I know this wont help me move on but can I please be like this for one day? I lifted the shirt in front of me and I can see that his shirt was too large for me. I smile at the shirt and just continued hugging it and smelled it for a few more minutes before unpacking everything.
Everything is finally unpacked and everything is finally back from where I left off. I was now contemplating if I should stream or should I take a rest. After everything I thought that I deserved a rest so I laid on my bed and checked twitter.
My mentions was blowing up like usual I briefly checked it and all my mentions was from just one photo. It was me standing in the airport in America, I wondered why that photo so I checked the tweet.
Why is he alone?
Why is Dream not there?
George really left Dream LOL
The girls are fighting
I was thinking of tweeting to address the situation but I was not ready to and I think Clay is too. I just exited twitter to open up my twitch to see who’s live.
Dream is live
What? I checked his stream he has face cam on, has he finally moved on already? Based on our fight he was hurt, like a lot. He was doing speed runs while answering his donos and he seems okay, but why does that kinda hurt me? Did he actually love me? I was starting to think stuff like these but looking at him makes me forgive him if he did. He deserves to be happy I think to myself, and if he has moved on already I hope I can too in the future.
YO GEORGE’S HERE, Someone typed.
When I saw that chat I tried to leave immediately but my stupid phone froze, his sounds are on and the stream is just playing but my screen is just frozen.
“George’s here?” Clay said to the stream.
My phone finally went back to normal, but after hearing that I listened to what he was about to say.
“Sorry George for not being able to take you home.” He smiled at the camera like how he smiled at me. Seeing him like this makes me miss him more, like I said let me be like this for one day.
Its okay Dream, I typed in chat.
“Don’t worry George, I’ll make it up to you if we meet again.” He didn’t look at the camera again and just continued doing his speedruns. I just stayed throughout the stream and I didn’t realize I didn’t join the teamspeak he was actually on.
I joined the call.
“Hey Dream.” I finally said my first words from England. “What’s up George.” He replied. The chat was doing their usual shipping but I didn’t mind.
“How’s Patches?” I asked.
“He misses Dad.” Fuck why did he have to call me that.
“Tell her I miss her too.”
“I also miss Dad.”
“Why would you say that Dream.”
“I really do.”
“I also miss Dad.” I said without thinking. He looks at the camera and smiles, I can also see a red blush on his cheek after I said that. I know we are so far from each other but I can feel his affection from here just by looking at him from a screen.
“When is Dad coming back?” He asked me again.
“I don’t know, I just clutched those tickets and I don’t know when can I get that chance again.”
“Don’t worry George I’ll wait.” Is that supposed to mean something? And if he is, I hope were thinking of the same thing. I just continued talking to him in stream until it ended.
Dream finally ends his livestream and were still on teamspeak.
“Hey.” Dream’s voice was a little low this time.
“Hey.” I replied and this time my camera was on so he can see me.
“How are you George?”
“I’m doing okay.” I looked down.
“Oh okay.”
“How are you Clay?”
“I’m okay, barely.” The barely was heavily implied.
“You don’t look sad.”
“What are you trying to point out George?” He was getting annoyed, are going to have fight again.”
“I mean you could stream after all that.” I defended myself.
“You fucking left me George!”
“I had to Clay.” My voice was raised than usual.
“What do you mean you have to?!” He was clearly not having it.
“So I can leave more easier Clay.”
He was silent for a bit then I spoke again.
“Do you think leaving you was easu after our fight. No Clay! I had to fucking think of everything we have done together and forget all of that to just take a fucking step outside the door Clay.” My eyes are watering up and I cant even see Clay right now but I know he’s starting to feel bad.
“After our fucking fight I have thought of million reasons to fix us but in the end I had to respect your decision Clay, you didn’t want us to happen you clearly said that!” I was screaming at my phone and I don’t feel silly at all, I just felt frustrated from what was happening.
“You fucking think I didn’t want us to happen George? How are you so fucking wrong!” He was red from anger and this time I couldn’t look at him.
“You fucking made me feel special George, you didn’t make me feel a freak, someone who’s in need of all the time. You fucking made me feel like a normal human being deserving of love! And you had the audacity to leave all of a sudden without telling goodbye? Even if we fought I can set my fucking pride down to say goodbye George. And you didn’t give me the chance to say goodbye George.” The tears from his eyes finally fell one by one.
“You’re so fucking cruel George, you’re so fucking cruel.” He sighed at the camera and he covers his face with his shoulders trying to soak up all the tears in his jacket.
“Clay I’m sorry.”
“You should be.”
I can’t look at him like this, I decided to stand up and walk around to calm myself down for a bit. The shirt Clay left is just over the table, I removed my shirt to wear his. It was a little too big but it felt right. I returned to the bed and picked up my phone and Dream is still sobbing and not showing his face to me.
“Clay.” He doesn’t answer.
“Clay please look at me.”
“Fuck you George, I fucking hate you.”
“No you don’t Clay.” I mean he doesn’t right?
Clay finally looked at me and he started to cry more.
“Shit Clay! I’m sorry I’ll take it off.” I rushed to remove my clothes.
“Don’t George. please don’t.” He looks at me again with a smile this time. This was the only peaceful time we have after the stream. We looked at each other for a while then I continued.
“I’m sorry Clay.”
“I’m sorry too George.”
“No Clay, I’m sorry that I left without saying anything it was kinda a dick of me.”
“It was.” He chuckled and I did too, it was finally okay.
“Wait George I’m going to get something.” He left the frame and I waited for a bit.
When he came back he was wearing my shirt. My fucking shirt.
“You left something.” He was wearing my fucking shirt, it was too small for him but not small enough to look like a crop top but it was my fucking shirt.
“Fuck Clay.” I started tearing up again.
“Sorry George.”
“Don’t remove it. Please.” This is the only sight I can see Clay that were together, sharing clothes being domestic and corny and I fucking want that.
We stare each other for a while wearing each others clothes then finally we talked again.
“Clay what do we do now?” I clearly still love him and I can’t hate him that’s for sure.
“I don’t know George.”
“Do you still love me Clay?”
“Yes George, I do.” He spoke softly like how he is in the bed in the morning.
“I still love you too Clay.”
“But I don’t want to love you anymore George.” My heart dropped.
“Why Clay.” I’m pleading.
“This will only hurt us George you know it.”
“It isn’t Clay trust me.”
“Look at us right now, we look ridiculous.”
“Please Clay don’t push me away.”
“We wont get over this if we let this continue.”
“Don’t you want that Clay?” He stopped holding back a sob.
“I want that too George but this isn’t right.”
“What isn’t right? Me loving you?”
“No! All of this feels wrong, I don’t know why.”
“Were going back from the start Clay.”
“Fuck George! I don’t know. I think it was too soon for us to talk again.”
“You really think so?”
“Yes George.” I respected his decision and immediately left the call. I removed his shirt and decided to take a bath. The shower didn’t conceal my tears but that back there fucking hurt and I don’t know when will I recover.
—
George left the teamspeak. I knew he would, everyone leaves me that’s how it should be from the start. Finally, I have pushed George away from me. I already did the thing I want but why does it fucking hurt. I clutched my chest and my tears cant stop dropping and it just hurts. All I feel now is pain.
—
A few weeks later
—
Me and Clay haven’t been speaking since then, I decided to take a break from streaming to enjoy the things in life during this pandemic. The news made me trended for a weird reason with a hashtag #WaitForGeorge, they must’ve taught I was dealing with a sickness or something but it was cute for them to do that.
During the time of my break, I haven’t spoken to any Dream SMP members even Sapnap, I was just really enjoying my time alone. The books left in my shelfs, I started to read them, the things I couldn’t do before like cooking, I started taking online classes for that.
Little by little I can finally move on from Clay.
—
One week later
—
Its been a month since me and George has spoken, it’s okay because this is how it should be in the first place. I pushed him and he let go I was proud of it, the things I wouldn’t do before like stream with a camera is becoming a usual thing for me now. People admire how I look and I like the validation, my popularity (not bragging) is just rising after I did my face reveal.
I was even invited to events during the pandemic, I respectfully declined them so I would not get cancelled. The only thing I regret that it seems George has cut ties with everyone connected to me. I feel bad for Sapnap particularly because he really missed George and he has been reaching out to him like crazy and he gets no response.
He doesn’t blame me for it but little by little I can finally move on from George.
—
These two need to fucking talk. George and Clay are being stupid right now. I know they’re fighting and it seems that I’m in the middle and somehow I have to solve this. It’s been MONTHS since they last talked, George arrived here in August and now its October and they still haven’t talked.
Yes, I miss George and I do not want to take sides. I have no idea what happened they wouldn’t tell me, but they have been talking this way too far and I’m gonna fix it.
Dream is in the living room right now and I’m in the room right now so Clay wouldn’t know what I’m plotting right now.
You know where George ’s address right?
Yes I do
I need you to do something
Uhm ok
—
That was a weird message from Sapnap, apparently he wants me to go to George’s house right now. By the time we met he told me his address and he told me I could crash anytime so here we go I guess?
I’m now driving to George’s street and I walked to his doorstep, there was no sound inside but someone was inside. I knocked at the door and George came out, like a fucking mess.
—
Why do fuck is Wilbur here? I look like shit right now, I managed to make myself look better before I opened the door but I still look like shit.
“Wilbur! You’re here?” I’m confused.
“Yeah someone told me to checkup on you.” He was clearly disgusted at me right now.
“Who is this someone?”
“Sapnap.”
“Oh.”
I let Wilbur inside.
“What the fuck George why are there so many bottles on the floor?”
“Don’t mind that I’ll clean them up soon.” I pointed at a chair that was apparently clean somehow. He sat on the chair and he stared at me, like on my soul.
“What is up Georgenotfound?” He was like being a dad right now and I feel threatened somehow.
“What?? Nothing??” He doesn’t seem to buy it.
“If I tell you, will you promise not to tell anyone?” I mean I was no talking to anyone from the SMP I had nothing to lose right?
“Go on.” He started listening.
I started to tell him the story on how I went to America. I told him everything including the time Dream punched me, the silly soap fight in the kitchen which he seems disgusted at. The story about the diner we always ate at, Patches and how I fell in love with Clay.
“Wait you feel in love with Clay?” Wilbur was pretty shocked which I thought he was smarter than that.
I continued the story on how we got drunk and thats how it all started and we became an ambiguous couple for a while enjoying the last days together until we had a fight.
“What did you fight about?”
“Let me continue Willbur.”
He understood both sides when I told him about or fight and the reason on why it happened. I told him that I left without saying goodbye which I saw him physically flinch at. The story about the aftermath of Dream’s stream from that day.
I told him what happened after we didn’t speak, I told at the first month I was doing fine until I saw his clothes on the corner of my bed and when I smelled it again it still smelled like him. The story of how I became addicted to alcohol and the start of my depression. The way I would cry because of how much I still love Clay and how he didn’t love me back now. I told him how it hurt seeing Clay move on and be happy on his own without me, how it hurt me seeing people ship other people with Dream. I even told him that time I cried at fanfictions because that was the only way I can imagine us together again.
After telling him everything he just stood up.
“Let’s go George.”
“Where?”
“To the fucking barbershop, you look like a fucking mess.” I smiled at him and he isn’t smiling back and I think I struck a nerve.
I followed him all throughout the barbershop, the hair I grew these past months was finally gone and I feel like myself again.
Wilbur exited the shop and I followed him until he sat at the bench.
“You know George, you’re a good man for respecting his decision like that.” He looked at me proudly for the first time this day.
“You really think I made the right decision?”
“You did George, I’m proud of you.” He patted my head like Tommy when they first met.
We went back to my house and Wilbur just stood beside the door clearly not wanting to enter the pool of mess I made.
“Okay, George clean all of that right now.”
“But-”
“No buts just do it.” I groaned at him and started to clean up while he just stands there like a fool he was.
For a weird reason I managed to clean all of that in just thirty minutes and Wilbur was in shock on how fast I could clean all of that.
“Done Wilbur.”
“I can see, now for my final task.”
“Wait were doing tasks now?”
“Don’t interrupt me George.” He fondles with my computer and he dragged me along my shoulders and lets me sit down in the camera after a few months.
“What is this Wilbur?”
“You’re going to stream again.”
“I don’t know how anymore.”
“You do George.”
That’s the story on how I started to stream again.
—
My phone started getting notifications like crazy mentioning me on a link or something.
It was George back on twitch.
When I tell you I screamed, Sapnap almost punched me hard in the face.
Then it struck me all of a sudden, will George be okay talking to me again?
I need to reside all of the doubts I have right now and talk to him right now.
While watching his stream I saw him join the SMP after a few months.
A few things has happened before. During our no talking stage I was just busy doing Youtube and I had a lot of gigs like meetups which it was okay now because the lockdown has been lifted. I traveled around America but it didn’t hit me like I thought of before. I thought being well known would make me happy but it didn’t I knew something was missing and it was George.
Doing stuff without George was not as fulfilling like before, yeah I had Nick on my side but you know the Dream team isn’t the Dream team without George.
—
Dream entered the Game
Dream, I totally forgot about him, I guess he wouldn’t give a damn about me anymore after he pushed me away. Maybe I should just leave.
Sorry I ’ll just leave
No George,
Please He added.
I stayed at the server then I got a message on discord. It was a new link for the SMP
There ’s a new SMP
Damn in just two months there’s a new SMP. I immediately placed the IP Adress and entered the new world. I saw familiar faces on the new SMP like Karl, Quackity, Bad and so many more.
Wilbur beside is just watching me stream without being in the camera.
“I guess, I’ll leave now.” Wilbur walks towards the door. I stood up fast and hugged him.
“Thanks Willbur.” He pats my back.
“Thank Sapnap, he told me to check up on you.” Then Wilbur left.
I return to my stream and I can see Quackity and Karl having a riot on the new discord server.
“WHAT THE FUCK GEORGE YOU’RE ACTUALLY BACK” Quackity starts fake crying.
The camera on Karl was a closeup of him tearing up infront of the camera. I just laughed at the wholesomeness of everything and just continued streaming.
When I finally ended my first stream in few months I got a dm from Dream.
VC10
I joined VC10 and we were alone there.
“Long time.” Clay started awkwardly.
“Yeah long time Dream.”
“Dream? Call me Clay.”
I just shaked my head to decline his offer, it was too soon.
“Okay, sorry.” He looked ashamed again.
“No Dream, I’m sorry for ignoring everyone, I just had to gather myself after everything.”
“If it makes you better, life was shit without you.” Dream said that and I couldn’t believe it.
“What do you mean your life was shit? You were going around the country one gig at an another I was just gone from the internet.” I explained.
“Yeah it was fun at first, but it wasn’t was fulfilling.”
“Because?” I asked.
“You weren’t there.” Fuck he smiled at me and I’m getting weak.
“I mean the Dream team is not the Dream team without you George.” Him saying that makes me feel flutters in my stomach not romantically just platonically.
“I’m sorry Dream, will you take me back?”
“Of course George, you’re always part of Dream team George, and you’re always a part of me.”
—
Me and George are finally okay, for real this time. Tomorrow is his birthday, maybe this time I’ll give him a surprise that consists of him meeting Patches in England. Maybe this time I’m gonna give it everything and this time I’m gonna do it so much better, this time I’m gonna give him all that I can.