Chapter Text
A month later, I was starting to worry about my sleepy confession. I did love Newt. But saying it so soon must’ve been the wrong thing to do. We’d been on a couple more dates and made love several times. We were happy. More than happy.
But something about Newt’s manner was off. It was barely noticable, but something was bothering him. I never knew how to bring it up. It didn’t ever seem like the right time. It worried me. What we had was precious and so open. Why he was somehow closed off just didn’t make sense.
I put my pen down. What was the point of trying to finish my assignments if I couldn’t even concentrate? I needed to talk about this with him. I had to. I was just plucking up the courage to go find him when he came into the room.
"Tommy, I…I need to talk to you about something, if that's okay," he said, sitting on his bed.
He looked really nervous. Like, really nervous. He was chewing at his lip and actually sitting on the bed, feet on the floor, instead of his typical casual flopping onto the mattress. I nodded, trying to keep my expression as open as possible. Even if I wanted to know what was bothering him, I didn't want Newt to be nervous. Especially not with me.
"I, uh." He frowned at his hands in his lap, sitting stiffly. "Well…”
I sat down on my bed, facing him, and waited for him to speak, thinking that giving him some time rather than pressuring him to talk was the best option here. He was quiet for a few moments, before looking up at me and saying quickly,
"Tommy, we've got a good relationship, right? You're happy? You trust me?" He looked at me funny. I couldn't decipher the gaze. It was something like worry, but not quite.
I blinked, startled. "Of course we do, Newt. I'm very happy. Aren't you?" I started to worry that maybe I'd ruined everything. That maybe he'd changed his mind. Was he breaking up with me? Surely not, his wording wasn't right for that. Was it? "We're…we're okay, right?" I asked, frowning a little.
"Yeah, yeah, I didn't mean it that way. I'm so bloody happy with you, Tommy, you don’t even know. We're fine. I just needed to make sure. You trust me, right?"
I nodded and smiled at him. "Of course."
He seemed to relax a little. Just a little, but enough to be noticed. Or maybe I just pay too close attention to Newt. It was hard not to, really. "Have you heard of BDSM?"
I nodded, a litte hesitantly. I wondered where this was going. "I've heard a little. Not much."
"Is that...Tommy, it's absolutely fine to say no, okay? I need you to be honest, please. Is that something you'd be willing to try?" I'd rarely seen him this earnest. I wasn't sure if I liked it.
I frowned, considering. I'd never thought about trying it before. I knew next to nothing on the subject, and of course I’d been closeted and all, but this was Newt. I trusted him, and if this was something he wanted to try, then okay. I'd try it. But I needed to check and make sure that trying it was all we were doing. I didn't want to sign myself up for something it turned out I didn't like without realising it. "Just try it?"
"Yes, you could back out at anytime. And if you don't want to at all, that's absolutely fine, okay? I'm not going to pressure you. We've got a lovely thing going on as is, in my opinion, but I'm a Dom, and you show some submissive tendencies. I'm 100% fine with not ever doing that, though, okay?" He frowned at me, apparently trying to drill that into my head.
"I understand. I…I'll try it, but I can't guarantee anything."
"Of course not. You're sure you're okay with trying it?" I nodded. "Okay. Well, you need to understand it more before we actually try anything. I want you to research it a bit, make sure you understand it. We'll do a lot of talking about it--believe me, a lot--and then maybe we'll try it, if you're still okay with it. You can back out at any time, okay? Seriously."
I nodded again. "I know. I'll go do some reading." I smiled. He gave me a tiny smile in return and stood up.
"C'mere, Tommy," he said, holding his arms out. I eagerly stepped into the hug. He rocked from side to side, soft cheek against mine. His cheeks were always soft, like a new maple leaf. I leaned into him. "I'm happy you're willing to try it, Tommy. I really am. But whatever we decide, I still care about you a bloody lot, okay?"
I smiled. "I know, Newt. I know."
He slowly let me go, hands sliding from my shoulders to my elbows as he stepped back. I enjoyed the touch. I always enjoyed Newt's touches. I gave him another smile and grabbed my laptop off my bed.
"Think I'll go down to the library to, uh look into this. That alright?"
"Of course, whatever you're comfortable with. I'll be here."
"Mmkay. Be back in a little while." I kissed him on the cheek and I was off.
***
It was hard to focus on anything while Tommy was gone. I tried reading, tried working on a paper, tried messing with some music, but nothing worked. I eventually just flopped onto the bed and thought. This was a sensitive subject we were on. Tommy could take this the wrong way, and I didn't want that. I just wanted him to give it a try, if he was okay with that. I sure as bloody hell wasn't going to force him into it.
That was when Tommy burst in, pale and near tears. I jumped up.
"I can't do that. Newt, please. I can't. Please," he whispered. I moved to go hold him, wondering what the shuck had happened. He flinched away towards the door, tears beginning to flow.
"Crikey, Tommy. Easy, love, easy there." I held my hands out placatingly. "I don't know what you've seen or read, but I will never hurt you, okay, precious? Never. I just want to come over there and hug you. Just like I always do when you're upset. Just hug you, okay? Not gonna hurt you."
He nodded, shaking a little. I slowly, slowly, oh so slowly went over to him and held my arms out, carefully wrapping them around him. He instantly leaned against me, choking back a sob.
"Can we lie down? Just to cuddle. Good, old-fashioned, harmless cuddling." He nodded into my shoulder, so I gently guided him to my bed, taking the laptop and setting it down on the desk as we passed it. I got his coat off, too, and we lay down. I snuggled him properly. Pet his hair, nuzzled him, pressed kisses to his forehead, the works. He calmed down a bit and some color came back to his cheeks.
"It's okay, I promise. You're safe."
"I...I know. I'm better now," he said, pulling back. He did look better, I had to say. That didn't stop me worrying about him, though.
"Can you show me what scared you so much, Tommy? So I understand what you're thinking?"
He nodded, hesitantly. I reached for the laptop. "It's the second tab," he said. “I...I'll wait outside. I can't see that again. I'm sorry."
"No, Tommy, it's fine. I don't want you to be scared, okay? It's fine. You go ahead. I'll call you when I want you to come back in."
He nodded and left rather too quickly for my liking. I sighed and clicked play on the video.
When it was over I felt absolutely horrible for not having thought through what all Tommy would potentially find researching BDSM on the internet. Bloody hell, I was an idiot. It absolutely wasn’t all chains and whips, but some of it was. I called him and he came in immediately, looking better but sheepish. I jumped up and went over to him quickly, holding him close.
"Tommy, precious, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. You never should have seen that. I should have had stuff prepared. I'd never do that, darling. Never."
"I'm okay," he murmured.
"You are now, but you weren't earlier and that's not what should've happened. Come sit down, love." I guided him to the bed and put my arm around his waist when we sat down, pulling him to lean on me a bit. "BDSM can be divided into three sort of categories; B&D, or bondage and discipline, D&S, dominance and submission, and S&M, sadism and masochism. What you found was S&M, of a somewhat extreme variety. That's not at all what I want for us, okay? I don't even know how you managed to find that. I never want to genuinely hurt or frighten you, never ever ever. And I failed in that today, turning you loose on the web with vague instructions. I'm sorry."
"It's okay." He took a shaky breath.
"I've got two things I want you to watch. They're more what we would do. I just want you to watch them, alright? We can talk when you're done, or tomorrow, or next week, or we can never speak of this again, but I need you to watch them, I really need you to, Tommy. I need you to know what it would be like for real between the two of us. I don't want us to leave this the way it is. I don't want you to be scared."
"Okay," he said softly. I kissed him on the cheek, gently.
"They're on the second and third tabs. I'll be right outside, love." I kissed him again and waited outside, pacing. Honest to goodness, these two were genuinely what I'd meant. I just hoped this would help Tommy. When he called me, I rushed in to find him near tears again. My heart sank and I started to panic, but he cut me off before I could say anything.
"I-I want that," he said thickly. "I want that." He came over and hugged me, burying his face in the crook of my neck. I put my arms around him, calming down a little. "I think...I think I need that," he whispered.
"I've got you, Tommy," I said, the only thing I could think of to say. He sighed and pressed a little closer, relaxing. I rubbed his back. "We won't talk now, but we've got several hours conversation about this coming up."
He nodded into my shoulder. "I know. I want that, though. I want to be yours."
I felt a little something twist in my heart. "My little Tommy," I whispered. He sighed again, relaxing even more. I started to tell him I loved him. But I couldn’t. That would…I couldn’t let the past repeat itself.
"Yours," he murmured.
I smiled and leaned my head against his. “Come on, let’s lie down for a bit, you'll be right as rain in a minute or two."
So we ended up cuddling, for the umpteenth time that day. But hey. I'm not one to turn down cuddling Tommy.