Chapter Text
Yeosang's memory was fuzzy. It was all a blur, like a dream he couldn't quite remember when he woke up. There were just bits and pieces slapped together in his memory, the feeling of discomfort and pain, how hot and wet and slimy everything was. He remembers Jongho's constant presence and coffee scent, the smell of distress (though whose it was was a mystery to his foggy mind), and the occasional comfort of campfire smoke, of warmed spices and fruit, of sage and vanilla, of toasted almond and orange blossom. His pack. He remembers the pleasure in pieces but he doesn't remember it fondly. When he finally came to he felt sick to his stomach, sore and achy, like he had just gotten past the fever stage of the flu. He felt odd.
The lead up to the heat wasn't much better. It had been years since he really felt the presence of his inner omega quite so strongly, his instincts clear and gnawing. He hadn't experienced the ways his hormones addled his brain in annoying ways, the need to nest and the want for comfort and affection, the constant, irksome longing for others. It had been so long since he had had a cramp, since he felt the stirrings of his body preparing for things he felt he shouldn't be able to do. The hunger and irritability right before the fever set in. The way his skin got so flushed and sweaty. It was all so uncomfortable.
He didn't feel any better in that regard once the daze left him. His stomach turned with nausea he recognized all too well as a side effect of his hormones being too strong and too present. He could ignore that for a moment, however. His mind was quickly dialing in on his mate who looked at him with awe as soon as he noticed that there was clarity in his eyes. And then Jongho was all over him, scenting and nuzzling and kissing everywhere he could reach. Yeosang thought he might puke with the added fuzz of the scenting clinging to his thoughts. He pushed the omega off of him with a frustrated growl.
Jongho didn't seem to mind his temper. He looked so relieved. He smelled so happy. Tears were wetting his eyes. Yeosang felt nerves start to bundle up in his gut. "Welcome back, pretty alpha," his mate smiled.
"I feel like shit. Actual fucking shit," Yeosang grumbled. He hurt. He was confused. His emotions were running rampant. And despite the nausea his stomach was rumbling with a fierce intensity like he hadn't eaten in a week. He was usually pretty good at snacking during his heat. It was hard not to wake up hungry, but it had never been this bad. He was weakened, to put it simply.
"It's been a rough time," Jongho frowned, brows pinched together in concern. It must have been, the way he was acting. It made Yeosang uneasy. "Are you alright?"
Didn't we just go over this?
Yeosang answered anyway, despite the annoyance, happy to appease the man before him. "Just sore, mostly. Hungry. God, I'm fucking hungry."
"Yunho's getting some food now, actually. Just a little longer."
The alpha shifted closer to him. The omega was still upset, he could tell. He didn't know what happened, but he knew it must have been bad. He didn't want Jongho to feel upset anymore, wanted to put a smile on his face. "I love you."
"I love you too, Yeosang. I'm so glad you're okay."
The older man sighed a bit and decided it was time to get some answers. "I don't really remember-"
Jongho cut him off quickly, frowning. "Don't worry about it. All that matters is you're alright and it worked."
Yeosang's eyes widened. He was so caught up in everything that he almost forgot the whole point to all of this, the reason he went through such uncomfortable nonsense. "Yeah, it did work. So, we're one step closer to getting a pup."
"One step closer," Jongho agreed lightly, his voice just a little strained. He stretched a little and reached for his phone on the nightstand nearby. "I should let Yunho know you're lucid. He'll be happy to hear."
"I'm surprised he's so invested," Yeosang said slowly. He was still feeling odd, the air around him seemingly zipping with negativity and exhaustion. "Really, what happened? You're acting strange."
Jongho sighed heavily. "Let's just- Let's just relax, hmm? We're both tired. We'll have food soon. We can talk about it later."
Yeosang sighed and rolled over on his back with a huff. He couldn't deny that a nap sounded good, despite having just woken up. He was so fatigued it hurt. He let the omega next to him cozy up to his side, purring lightly, clingy. At one point Mingi poked his head in and gasped excitedly, loud enough to jar Yeosang out of his doze. The alpha sat up a little and tilted his head.
"Hey," he mumbled.
"Yunho just told me you woke up. He should be back in a few," the tall omega said brightly. "You really had us worried."
"And why is that?" Yeosang asked, getting more and more annoyed by the second.
Mingi either didn't hear him or ignored him altogether, turning on his heal quickly. "I'm going to let Woo know! San should be home later tonight."
"What time even is it?"
Mingi was gone by then, but Yeosang's grumbling woke Jongho up whose face had been squished against the older man's chest. "It's like, probably, uh…" he trailed off sleepily and grabbed for his phone again. "It's nine."
It was early still. Early enough that the rest of the pack could get on with their day, the heat over and behind them. Why did it feel like they weren't going to?
"Are you going to campus today?" Yeosang asked softly.
Jongho shook his head and clung to him tighter. "There's no way I'm leaving you right now."
"I thought we agreed that you wouldn't let this get in the way of your work more than it has to," the alpha reprimanded. "Your school is important, pretty omega."
"You're more important," the younger man shot back. "I just want you close. You know how my instincts are."
Yeosang scratched through his hair lightly. "You can't always give in to your instincts-"
"I'm not leaving," Jongho insisted, his voice laced with a small growl that seemed far too serious for the alpha's comfort. Yeosang swallowed uncomfortably.
"Where's my phone?" he asked after a moment. He needed to bet his bearings. He had no idea what day it was or when it was or if he had been contacted by anybody, if there were any emails or work calls that needed to be addressed. He was sure his office was running behind because of him, with Jongho's rut and his heat back to back. He hadn't gotten the chance to finish his side of things before he slipped into his daze.
"It's dead," Jongho said simply, clinging to the man harder.
Yeosang opened his mouth to argue when the door opened again, this time with Yunho standing in the doorway. He looked disheveled, stressed as hell. Dark bags hung under his eyes and his hair was a disaster. He looked like he had thrown on the first things he found in his closet, an odd thing for a man who was usually so put together. Even if he was in a sillier mood his outfits always made sense at least. The younger alpha eyed him cautiously, scared for his reaction after everyone before him had proven to be acting odd.
"Yeosang," he sighed. "It's good to see you awake and lucid. I got some takeout from that place down the road. Your usual order," he said casually as he sat at the edge of the bed. "Make sure to eat and regain your strength, alright?"
"Sure thing, alpha," Yeosang mumbled. The pack leader's composure somehow made his nerves worse. His expression was almost blank. "Thank you."
"You're welcome, Yeosang," he said gently, reaching out to brush some of his hair away from his face. Jongho swatted at his hand gently, a soft growl leaving. "Oh, now you're feeling territorial I see," Yunho mused.
The younger alpha raised a brow at this. Ordinarily, during Jongho's ruts, there was no way that Yunho could come near. He was expecting his heat to be much the same. And his mate would never ordinarily be so casual about his nakedness. Even with his increasing comfort surrounding these things, he usually preferred to stay modest around the rest of the pack when it wasn't necessary. He made no move to cover either of them, whether from lack of caring or being too tired, Yeosang couldn't guess, but it was odd all the same.
"He's mine," Jongho mumbled grumpily. There was something about it that felt like it held more weight than necessary for the occasion.
Yunho nodded. "I know," he all but whispered, a hint of guilt lilting through his scent. "I'll leave your food with you. Jongho's will be in the kitchen."
"Just give it to me. I'm right here," the omega started to whine, dread filling his eyes.
Yunho gave him a stern look, a hint of commanding pheromones entering the air. "We need to talk. And Yeosang could use some space, I'm sure."
Jongho glanced between the two and his mate gave him a small smile, trying to be comforting, encouraging. Honestly, he did want to be alone. Of course, his instincts weren't with him on that, longing for his mate's comfort, but he was overwhelmed and growing sadder by the minute. He needed the time to think.
The omega finally sighed and stood up with a small stretch. He quickly found some clean clothes to step into and followed the pack leader out of the room as promptly as he could manage. Yeosang reached over to the bag of take out and pulled it closer, ravenous. It didn't feel great to move too much between his general sick-like symptoms and his aching body. He couldn't fathom why he was so sore. He could tell just by what was dried to his legs that he was slicked up plenty to take knots and even during his mate's ruts he never had issues. A heat should have been even easier if anything. He added that to the growing list of concerns tingling in the back of his mind as he started his meal.
He stuffed the food into his mouth as slowly as he could bring himself to, not wanting to make himself sick. There was a bottled drink along with it that he basically chugged, so dehydrated it burned on the way down. He got halfway through the food before he had to tap out, too uncomfortable to go on despite the hunger. His stomach was weak. He sighed and pushed the containers away before looking idly for his phone. He searched in all of the crevices of his disheveled nest, but it wasn't there. He couldn't see it under the bed or on the night stand. He spied a pile of empty contraceptive packets on the table though, the stack so high it started to overflow onto the floor. He shuddered, panic starting to swell through him.
Why was his nest messy? His omega instincts wouldn't have been able to relax if he wasn't nesting properly. Things should have been maintained more either by him or his mate. Surely Jongho wouldn't have left things mess if he had the time or the energy to clean.
What the fuck had happened?
Yeosang couldn't bring himself to go back to sleep regardless of how fatigued he was. He sat there for what he estimated to be a few hours and there was no sign of the rest of the pack, festering with anxiety. Shouldn't Wooyoung have visited him by now? He still couldn't find his phone, though he lacked the energy to search thoroughly. He couldn't have it called either if it truly was dead. He couldn't imagine his mate had lied about such a thing.
Eventually he got up and grabbed some lounge-wear to change into before heading to the bathroom to shower. The apartment was eerily silent. Nobody was in the hall or the living room. At least washing the sweat and slick and cum off of his skin helped relax him. He felt a bit more normal after that. When he was done getting dressed and drying his hair as much as he could, he opened the door to find Yunho leaning against the opposite wall, seemingly waiting for him.
Yeosang jumped a little. "O-oh, hey."
"Hey," the pack alpha replied casually. "Just wanted to check in."
"I'm alright. Sore. Uh, but the shower definitely helped," the younger man contemplated. He still felt like shit, truly, but there was nothing so amiss he thought it worth mentioning.
Yunho stepped closer and scented him lightly. The proximity and the scent of his alpha seemed to stir something within him, hints of memories resurfacing. He shivered at it, unsure what to make of the fragments. "How's your head? Thinking clearly? Any brain fog?"
"No, I'm- I'm feeling lucid."
"Good. Good," Yunho stepped back again and started to leaved before pausing and gesturing around. "Just us right now. San's at work. Woo and Mingi went shopping. Jongho decided to go to campus to get some work done."
Yeosang frowned, the panic rising in him again. "He just told me he wasn't intending to go today."
The older alpha shrugged. "He seemed adamant that he should talk with Dr. Park. I'm sure the man would want an update on how the heat went anyway."
"And how did the heat go?" Yeosang whispered.
Yunho sighed a bit, expression unreadable, bouncing from one foot to the next like he was trying to come up with something to say. "It was a heat," he settled on. "I need to get some studying in, so I'll be on my way. I hope you continue to rest, hmm?" He turned more assuredly and started to walk off.
Something wasn't right. Nothing seemed right. It was like Yeosang woke up to some alternate universe where everything and everyone was off kilter and he felt like he was drowning in the confusion and fear that it brought. He wanted the comfort of his alpha. He didn't want Yunho to go right now. He was so afraid. But he knew the soothing smell of campfire and woods would help him feel better, would be what he needed after everything. He was just in heat. He needed his alpha-
What?
The younger alpha grabbed hold of the man's sleeve, eyes planted to the floor. "Yunho, I- I don't remember much but… did you knot me?" Yeosang asked carefully.
The pack leader paused and watched him for a moment out of the corner of his eye before turning fully and sighing. "I did."
The anger that started to boil in the younger man's veins surprised him. Hadn't they talked about this very thing? Hadn't they agreed that there was no way they could cross that line if it meant hurting Jongho? Was that why his mate was so upset? "Why the fuck-"
Yunho cut him off sharply as he pinned him to the hallway wall by the shoulders, leaning in close. A low growl was emanating from the depths of his chest, strong and full of irritation. Yunho didn't command often. He used it strategically and fairly, and sensing the commanding pheromones in the air made Yeosang's omega whine, his breath becoming labored with anxiety. And then he looked up finally at his pack alpha to see wet eyes and a crumpling expression. His smokey comforting scent was warped into something drenched in sadness.
"Yeosang you- You were in so much pain," he said tensely, voice strained. "I knotted you because I had to. I did it because your mate was begging me to do something to help. We were-" he paused to take a ragged breath, clearly struggling to keep as calm as he was. "We were so scared it wouldn't stop."
"Wouldn't stop?" the younger alpha muttered, a small confused echo.
"It lasted ten days, Yeosang," the pack leader hissed.
Yeosang gulped, his mouth dry and uncomfortable. "That's why everyone is acting so weird?"
"They don't want to make you more upset," Yunho sighed. "I- I mean it's not like you wouldn't find out soon anyway, but… they just wanted to spare you a little longer I guess."
"Well thank you for telling me," the younger man mumbled, head swimming.
"You need to understand how serious this all was," Yunho sighed. He shifted as if considering to take a step back before leaning in to him more, breath hot against his cheek. "If I tell you to do something, will you listen to me?" he pleaded. Yeosang gave a small nod. "You can't go back on those suppressants."
"Yunho-" Yeosang started to complain but was cut off quickly.
"Whatever it is that they did to you was terrifying," he said shakily. He rubbed their cheeks together lightly, bringing some amount of comfort back to their conversation. "I'm never going to ask much of you, but as your pack alpha I have to draw this line. Do you understand me?" he asked sternly.
"I understand, alpha."
Yunho released him finally and pulled him into a tight hug. "I'm glad you're okay," he whispered.
Yeosang didn't feel okay in the slightest, but he nodded anyway. He clung to the taller man tighter. "That's why Jongho wanted to talk to Seonghwa?"
"Yeah. Once he was far enough away for his instincts to calm down a little… It seemed like the best course of action. He's freaked out. I can't blame him," the older man muttered, rocking them a little. "We've all been freaked out."
"I'm sorry for worrying everybody," Yeosang sniffled.
"Shh, it's alright," the taller man cooed. "I'm right here if you need anything. Okay? But we should get you back to your nest so you can rest more. You've been through a lot."
"I- I don't want to be alone," he gasped out. More tears welled in his eyes. He didn't want to cry. He was feeling too sick to cry. But the reality of the situation was finally hitting him, his mind reeling with the information. His body was a fucking prison. He lost ten days of his life to a hell that he couldn't even remember, apparently suffering the whole time. How could he feel okay when that was what he went through. He couldn't even think about the future, about the potential pup and the happiness it would bring, about his darling mate's joy and relief over their budding family. His mind only had room for the terror that filled him.
Yunho nosed at the top of his hair with a huff. "I can bring my laptop to your nest, but if your mate tries to kill me when he gets back I'm blaming you."
"Alright, deal," Yeosang got out shakily. He waited impatiently for the man to grab his things and stuff them in his bag before accompanying him back to his room. The younger alpha glanced to him apologetically, holding a hand out to still him, before jumping onto the bed and fixing the nest quickly with a sudden burst of energy. He needed it so badly, the comfort and safety. He motioned for Yunho to join once he was done and snuggled into the fluff with his green blanket held close, espresso filling his nose softly. He let the older man work. He seemed to be running data sets through some sort of program and writing up information about whatever answer it seemed to give. He was intent and focused, but he was quick to glance Yeosang's way if the younger alpha made any noise or moved too much, making sure he was comfortable.
Yeosang was not comfortable, of course. He was feeling better physically, especially after nibbling through the rest of his take out and drinking more water, but emotionally he was shot. He wanted to crawl out of his skin, leave his body behind completely. His instincts seemed to be on overdrive and it made him cringe, tearing up whenever he thought about it too much. It was all to easy to think about it the way his inner wolf was drilling into his mind, wanting and wanting and wanting. It wanted omega things and Yeosang couldn't give in to it completely which only made him feel sick.
His omega wanted to be closer to Yunho, be scented and doted on. It wanted to whine and demand attention until the pack alpha was soothing him with his lips and his tongue and his knot. It wanted to be filled despite the pains that lingered from the heat. Fullness meant safety, protection. It meant love. It meant pups. Yeosang's omega wanted pups. The feeling felt like a bundle of thorny vines growing too fast in his lungs, writhing and scratching at his insides. He felt like if he opened his mouth he would surely find blood. But Alpha's knot would help. It would make that pain go away, he knew. It wanted it and wanted it and wanted it.
Yeosang did not want it. He didn't want to go near it. He wanted Jongho. He wanted his mate to come home and hold him and purr in his embrace. He wanted to protect his omega and dote on him and make sure he was nesting. He wanted to be strong and reliable. He wanted to be Yunho's right hand man, not his omega to breed. And yet his instincts were scandalized by his own emotions, trying to override them bit by bit.
The younger alpha only gave in a little, cuddling up to the pack leader's side and purring lightly, trying to soothe himself from his worries. He was sure distress was making its appearance in his scent, but Yunho remained calm about it, just reaching over to run his fingers through the younger man's hair. It was soothing. It was enough to calm his omega instincts down just a little. It made him feel weaker though.
He found himself breaking the silence as he spiraled more and more. "Yunho? Am- am I a good alpha?" he whimpered, tears springing to his eyes.
The taller man sat back, setting his laptop to the side and turned to face him better, cradling his body in his arms. "Of course you are, Yeosang. There's never been a question about that."
"I f-feel like- like I- I can't be an alpha. I want t-to be an alpha so badly. I-" he took a shuddery breath, holding back a sob. "It hurts. God, it hurts," he cried.
Yunho pulled him closer, letting him sit in his lap and cry into his chest. His scent was sad, a soft resignation, barely noticeable over the strong distress in the younger man's scent. It was still enough to make Yeosang feel bad about it all. He didn't want to be falling apart like this and taking up his leader's time. He was supposed to have a regular heat and come out the other side feeling normal and ready to have a pup. Why was his body so broken? He couldn't be an alpha and now he couldn't even be an omega right. He couldn't do anything right.
And it was his fault. He chose this path, this life. He chose to ruin his hormones and lie to the world trying to be something he wasn't. He was never going to be able to keep this up forever. He was going to be found out and taken away. His whole pack would suffer for it. He'd lose his life, everything he'd ever worked for, his friends and his mate. He didn't want to lose Jongho. He couldn't.
He didn't know what to do. There was no way he could right all of his wrongs and be an omega again. He didn't know how to be an omega. He didn't have it in him to pretend. Pretending to be an alpha was so much easier, hurt so much less. Some days it didn't even hurt at all. Right then it was more painful than any broken bone Yeosang had ever had. Trying to get what you want more than anything and then failing so miserably wasn't something a person should ever have to face, and yet there he was, sitting in his pack alpha's arms and sobbing, his omega instincts wiggling with joy despite his sadness. He wondered if there was a way to get rid of it.
He wanted to strangle his inner wolf with his bare hands. He wanted to laugh as the light left its eyes.
And then what?
He'd be left with nothing. He couldn't very well get a new wolf. He couldn't just switch it out for alpha instincts and go on his merry way. There was nothing to be done. He just had to learn to live with it all. But it had been years, his whole life really, and it hadn't gotten any easier.
Sometimes he felt jealous of Jongho. He never seemed to have these problems. He could talk about his ruts freely, growl and command without feeling odd. He could do alpha things and not seem to die inside at it. He was happiest when he was able to do omega activities, but he didn't need them in the same way that Yeosang needed alpha activities. He needed to play fight and dote on the omegas of the pack. He needed to provide for them. He needed to work hard and see them smile. He needed to protect. He needed to help them through their heats and give them scented gifts for the pack nest. He needed to smell himself on them, the version of his scent that had the alpha signifier lingering at the edges, and feel proud that they were okay with his scent clinging to their bodies, claiming.
The jealousy was easy enough to push down, but in the moment it was all consuming, morphing into resentment. He had spent his whole life struggling to be safe and to be happy, to get any part of what he wanted. It took him years and years to find a life that he could be happy with. And After all that turmoil and pain and strife he still wasn't happy. He still didn't have what he wanted.
He still had a fucking body that was betraying him time and time again, trapping him.
Eventually his tears tapered off and he nosed at the pack leader's chest, hiccuping as he calmed down. Yunho nuzzled into his neck, soothing him with a long and gentle scenting that Yeosang wanted to hate but couldn't. All he could feel was guilt.
Of course, that's how Jongho found them when he returned. And of course Yeosang could smell the jealousy on him. He wondered how easily his mate could pick up the shame in his own scent. He wondered if his inner omega could ever learn to not cower when alpha growls flitted up into the air, rumbling around like thunder. It all made him sick.
Yunho relented easily, though he was clearly pissed at the disruption and only started to get up when he was sure that Yeosang would be okay without his presence. Jongho took the pack leader's place and Yeosang clung to him, guilt ridden.
"I- I'm so sorry," he gasped out. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Jongho held him close, smelling confused and upset. "There's nothing for you to be sorry for, pretty alpha."
Pretty alpha.
Alpha.
Alpha.
Yeosang took a deep shuddering breath and relaxed into his mate's hold. He nuzzled against him, sighing. He inhaled espresso and chocolate and safety. "My omega," the older man whispered. "My omega's back."
"I'm sorry I left," his mate said softly, hands petting over him in soothing patterns, repeated touches of softness and tender love. "I didn't want to leave you."
"I- I know," Yeosang mumbled. He looked up at his mate, taking in the concern in his eyes, the pretty lips that were sitting in a pout, the cute little nose that adorned his face. It calmed him down. Things were fine. His breathing started to even out again. "Yunho told me. A-about everything. He- I'm sorry he had to- I'm sorry I worried you."
"Our pack alpha was a big help," Jongho said lightly, a sad smile twitching at his lips. "He was so calm and sure. I really needed it. I- I don't want to share you, you know that," he said with a small giggle. "But we needed to and it wasn't so bad, honest. I just hope you aren't too sore. I know it was a bit of a stretch."
The alpha tilted his head. "I am sore, but- what, uh, what are you referring to exactly?" Yeosang hummed in thought. He'd seem the older alpha's knot before. It wasn't any bigger than Jongho's and he took that fine.
"Ah. So not everything," Jongho muttered, rolling his eyes. The omega squeezed him tight and explained, face comically red, about what had transpired over the last ten days. Yeosang was at a loss for words for some time while his mate averted his gaze awkwardly. Finally he cleared his throat and glanced back to the alpha. "Seonghwa was, uh, impressed at our improvisation skills. He thinks things could have lasted a lot longer and been a lot worse for you if we hadn't. I'm inclined to agree. The change was- You were doing a lot better after the first time."
Yeosang blinked at him, sure that his own face was flushed with embarrassment. "How many times did you two…"
Jongho rubbed the back of his neck, eyes glancing up as he thought. "Maybe… maybe twenty or so."
"T-twenty?!"
"It was a long heat and it helped and-" Jongho cut himself off and huffed. "I didn't hate it." He looked closely at his mate, a small grin spreading on his lips. "I don't think you hated it either, to be fair."
Yeosang felt the stirrings of arousal brewing in his gut. His instincts wanted Yunho just as much as they wanted Jongho and regardless of his feelings, having them both was admittedly hot. He almost wished he could remember the whole ordeal. Almost. He figured it was best if he kept those memories locked away, to spare himself the humiliation.
"I'm impressed I survived," Yeosang deadpanned with a sigh. "I don't think I could ever let someone fill you like that."
"I- I don't-" Jongho stuttered out, breath hitching at the thought. There was a sweetness starting to fill the air. It made Yeosang smile. He felt a little more normal, more okay, at the sight of his mate squirming with want for him, for his cock. "I only want you, Yeosang. You know that."
"You're such a perfect omega," the older man sigh, content. "You helped me with so many knots even though I know you'd much prefer to be filled yourself."
The younger man nodded, eyes going wide.
Yeosang was still tired. He was still sore when he moved and even though he couldn't remember it, his body seemed very annoyed at the thought of fucking his mate after ten days straight of sex. His omega instincts wanted nothing to do with it. He wanted to be inside of his pretty omega like the man deserved and help him feel good, help himself feel good. He wanted to fill his omega up like a good alpha. He needed to be a good alpha right then.
"Well? What do you want, sweetheart?"
Jongho took a steadying breath, eyes shying away. "If- if you're not too tired. Uh, well, actually…" he sat up with a sigh. "You really need to rest right now, Yeosang. Your body went through a lot. It doesn't matter what I want."
"What about what I want then?" the alpha grumbled.
The younger man ran his fingers through the other's hair, looking apologetic. "You're not dazed anymore. I think we should hold off until you've recovered some. You look so tired."
"Jongho, I need it," Yeosang said pitifully. He was starting to feel frustrated and sad. He wasn't even sure he could articulate why it was so important, not sure if the man before him would fully understand. But he was going through constant emotional whiplash around the omega. It was easy to be soothed by his mate, but he was still suppressing his racing thoughts from getting away from him and every thought in his mind was telling him that he was an omega, that he could never be an alpha. "I just- I don't feel right," he got out in a small whisper.
Jongho brought himself closer, concern in his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"I don't feel- I- I don't feel like an alpha right now," the older man shuddered before wiping at his eye in frustration. "I just want to feel normal again."
"And fucking me would make you feel normal?" Jongho clarified slowly. Yeosang nodded. "And it has to be right now?"
Yeosang groaned and bat at his shoulder weakly. "I know you're worried about me but I'm not going to be able to rest and recover or whatever if I'm feeling like this."
"Pretty alpha, where do you want me?" the omega asked as he started to pull his shirt off, quick to placate. Of course he understood. Jongho always understood. The alpha felt a pang of guilt that he even questioned such a thing. Yeosang looked at him thankfully and pulled him back down to the softness of their nest.
His movements were a little sluggish. He was weak and tired. But, it was second nature to him by now to please his mate. He tugged the omega's pants down and ran his hands softly over his body, humming to himself, letting himself slip into the arousal that was starting to simmer. He forced his mind away from all the things that felt gross and weird and towards the beautiful man below him who let out small breathy gasps as he started to mouth at the skin. He devoted himself to his mate for some time until he was covered in his marks like he was supposed to be. And then he pulled back when he was satisfied with his work to grab the artificial slick from the side table.
"A-Alpha, you should also- uh, I- I'm worried I might knot still," Jongho said somewhat awkwardly. "We can try out the new- the new thing."
Yeosang nodded and grabbed that too. After the minor fiasco of Jongho's last rut, they decided to invest in a new gadget. Well, gadget made it sound more interesting than it was. It was basically just a latex band that went around the base of his cock and helped to keep the knot feeling nice and cozy. It was essentially a cock ring that was designed for alphas who liked to stroke themselves rather than use toys during their ruts. They didn't expect to use it often. Yeosang very rarely missed an opportunity to be knotted. Even now it was nagging at his mind that he was going to forgo what he knew felt so, so good.
The alpha returned to his spot between his mate's legs and began to lube up the ring. He managed to slip it on easily enough, the fiddling making the omega's breath hitch, hips jerking lightly. He looked so cute and desperate already. Yeosang smiled at him while he applied the artificial slick to his entrance liberally, letting it slide down to the blankets below in large globs. It always made Jongho blush and that always made Yeosang smirk. It was a game they were used to at this point.
The smell was a little off, but not terribly so, and his mate liked that he could fall into the fantasy so easily. Yeosang always made sure to play into it, to help him feel like more of an omega. He supposed it helped him too.
"Look at you," he muttered. "So wet for me already. So turned on for your alpha, hmm?"
The alpha let a finger dip into his entrance, teasing at the tight muscle, and Jongho gasped. The younger man relaxed, letting his body fall victim to the pleasure and arousal that was getting thicker and thicker around them, sweet and espresso rich. Yeosang opened him up slowly, letting his movements drag out moans from his mate, high off the sounds and the little trembles he caused and the knowledge that Jongho needed him, his Alpha, to do these things.
When Yeosang could comfortably slip three fingers inside with no resistance and the omega was starting to pant and whine from the pleasure, he finally pulled his hand away to ready his cock instead. Once it was properly lubed up he entered his mate quickly, grinning at the way his eyes scrunched up from the pleasure, mouth agape. soundless. He wouldn't be soundless for long.
Yeosang set a steady pace, loving the way his cock felt enveloped by the omega's tight, wet heat. He missed it. He missed Jongho. He was gone for so long and even though his memory wasn't there, he could tell that it had been too long since he was buried deep in his mate. He leaned forward and captured the younger man's mouth in a kiss, rolling his hips. Jongho moaned into his mouth, his hands reaching around him to play with his hair, grounding amidst the onslaught of stimulation.
The alpha pulled back slightly, just enough to look at him well. "Does this feel good, pretty omega? Do you like being filled?"
"Mhhmm, I- ah, fuck it- it feels- ah," Jongho babbled, gasping for air. "Alpha, p-please."
"I've got you, sweetheart. You're alright," Yeosang soothed, beginning to kiss along his neck, mouthing feverishly at his scent gland. "I'll make you feel so good."
His mouth traveled lower until it could travel no more and then he sat up, the new leverage allowing him to thrust deeper into his mate. He wrapped his hand around the younger man's cock, beginning to pump in time to his fucking. His cock was so hard, straining for touch. His skin was hot, flushed from arousal. Yeosang loved it, the feelings and sensations, loved the way his mate was struggling to stay coherent amidst the pleasure. The alpha helped Jongho find his release first, enthralled by the way his knot formed, held snugly by the ring. Cum left him in large spurts, the mess accumulating on his abs, and the omega cried at it all, whimpering from the orgasm that rocked through him.
Yeosang continued to fuck into him, breath unsteady as he let the pleasure build in his core, the familiar tension that he chased after. His mate below him was starting to whine, overstimulated and spent. "Just a little more, sweetheart," he consoled. "A-almost, fuck."
He kissed his mate frantically, all tongue and breathy moans getting caught in their shared air. Jongho relented easily, letting him fuck into him still, letting him claim him with his mouth, letting him take care of him like he needed to do. It wasn't long before the alpha found his own release, thrusting deep inside and coming to a still, panting for breath.
The alpha pulled out gently and wrapped his mate in his arms, scenting him sweetly as thanks. Jongho nuzzled back, clearly sleepy and satisfied. And Yeosang felt okay again.
He was a good alpha. He knew this.
Things returned to normal after that, or as normal as they could return. Yeosang regained his strength slowly. It was a couple of weeks before he had the energy to return to the gym. The emotional exhaustion wasn't helping. Work was stressful. He returned to chaos, his team having been struggling for over two weeks with him barely there. At least the code kept his mind off of things. Otherwise it was all too easy to dwell on his body, on the ways he still felt at odds with it. The hormones returning to his system were jarring still.
He was becoming anxious and sad and very irritable. He knew the rest of the pack were getting nervous around him, not wanting to set him off. He didn't want to be set off either. He wasn't sure why he couldn't get a hold of himself, unsure as to why he was snapping at everyone he loved so easily. It was more relaxed with his mate or with Yunho, but even then there were times where he couldn't contain his annoyance and his anger, his frustration and patience thinning all too much and all too fast. Jongho was so sweet with him even then.
They mostly avoided talking about the heat. Everyone had emerged from those ten days feeling frazzled and scared. Yeosang still didn't know the bulk of went on during it. He wasn't sure he wanted to. He didn't want to remember the ways his body betrayed him once again.
Otherwise things were going alright. Yunho and Jongho's grad programs were running smoothly. Wooyoung was getting more commissions for his budding photography business that, admittedly, had been in the budding stage for a few years. But things were looking up in that department. Mingi finally got a job, after applying around for months and months, as a junior museum curator. He was finding the work a little dull, itching to get more responsibility, but it was a start to his career and they were all very proud of him. San was running his own classes at the gym and training people one on one. He was popular with other omegas. He was a good safe space for them when they were used to the gym being an alpha-riddled environment they could never relax in.
And then Yeosang was just… there. He went to work. He occasionally left the house, but he mostly didn't. He didn't really see the point. There was nothing to do that seemed interesting to him. He was just so, so tired. He was tired of everything. His mood was shot and didn't seem to want to return to his baseline, which, all things considering, was pretty cheery usually. His sex drive was out of wack. He'd go days, if not weeks, not wanting sex at all (an unheard of situation for him, especially when his omega looked that good). And then he'd be ravenous suddenly, wearing poor Jongho thin. He never wanted to bottom. He knew that was an issue in the back of his mind, but he couldn't bring himself to and Jongho never pushed.
The whole point of all of this was to have pups. He couldn't very well get pregnant if his mate wasn't filling him with cum often. Yeosang knew this. He wanted to see that positive pregnancy test, if for no other reason to be done with it all, but it hurt to think about and it was hard to get out of that mindset. He was beginning to suspect that Jongho was getting sad again, but he was better at hiding it this time. It only made Yeosang feel worse.
After a few months of this sad existence, Yeosang had to face the music. He was glad, in a way, that he had something to push him into getting his shit together. But he was terrified all the same. Jongho's next rut was approaching. He needed to help his mate with his knots, needed to care for him and be pleasured by him. That's what they always did. Yeosang usually enjoyed Jongho's ruts. It was time for them to be together, just the two of them, and feel good and get lost in the ecstasy of their bodies merging so sweetly, so purely.
Yeosang was nervous this time around. He would be knotted and that really could lead to a pregnancy. He didn't think he'd ever be truly prepared for that, but his mate was getting more and more excited, more cheerful at the prospect. It was hard for the alpha to feel anything other than fondness at the man's want to be a parent. He wanted to be a parent too. He knew that, deep down under all the messy layers of anxiety and discomfort. Jongho's mood was infectious and he found himself getting excited as well, though his was more of a nervous thing. He just wanted to focus on their pup.
He would do anything for Jongho. He really would.