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Seonghwa met Hongjoong at a low point in his life. He was in his third year of college, his workload ramping up and his classes getting harder and harder, and he could not seem to wrap his head around the math class that he had failed one too many times. At this rate if he failed again it would prolong his entire college career. It was already eating into the money that he wasn’t supposed to touch yet, the money set aside by his grandparents so he could get through college and beyond without having to struggle. When he first planned his degree path, he was able to get away with not using the money until at least his masters courses, but he lost an important scholarship because of this stupid statistics class and he was at his wits end.
He felt so stupid.
The first time he saw Hongjoong he slid into the seat across from him at a table in the library, nervousness clear in his scent even through the patch he wore, and the younger man gave him a pitying smile, something that was probably reassuring if anyone else had seen it but to Seonghwa just felt like another slap to the face. Hongjoong was a tutor and he did it for the love of the game, often discounting his services just so he could ramble about math and business and literature with whoever would listen. He was passionate and he could afford to be, which was a dangerous combination.
Seonghwa crunched the numbers and realized it would be cheaper to pay for a tutor than it would be to repeat the class again, especially if it risked throwing his timeline out of wack, so there he was, tapping his long fingers against the desk nervously, mouth dry. Hongjoong was another alpha, his scent dark and rich and fruity, just a little spiced, something that reminded Seonghwa of mulled wine. It was comforting, like the holidays when his grandparents would rent a cabin and he could watch the snow drift down and drink hot cocoa.
His own scent was fruity too, something that leaned too simple for his tastes. He smelled like berries and just a bit of freshly cut grass, something light and summery. It was a smell that he could imagine working for an omega too, not that anyone had ever told him as such. It still made him happy however, spurring on the biggest secret he had, the thing that he tamped down with every action he made, ignoring it until he thought he would burst. It wasn’t a secret that was worth sharing, just something that complicated his life and clung to him like wet cloth, pulling him down in discomfort.
“So, you need some help with statistics, right?” Hongjoong asked cheerily.
The older man tried to offer a small smile. “Y-yeah. I’ve- I’ve failed this class twice already,” he rushed out, hating the admission.
“Well the bright side about that,” the man said as he flashed a smile and rifled through some papers in his bag. “You’ve seen all the material a decent bit, so even if it feels like you’re not understanding it, you’ve probably retained more info than you think.” He pulled out a sort of cheat sheet with formulas and calculator instructions and despite the way Seonghwa wanted to roll his eyes at his words, he admittedly recognized everything he saw, even the stuff they hadn’t gotten to yet. “Now, what are you guys working on in class?”
The older man sighed a bit and pulled out his textbook, flipping to the most recent chapter they had been looking at, and then pulling out the worksheet he had started over and over again. The page was smeared with pencil marks that just wouldn’t erase enough, some parts of the paper thinning and threatening to rip. “We’ve been running statistical analysis for hypothesis testing. We’re using already established data and research so it’s at least easy to tell when I’m doing it wrong.”
Hongjoong seemed to light up at this. “Ah, so what field are you in?”
“Bio,” the man mumbled, blushing lightly. He wondered what Hongjoong thought of his skittish behavior. He knew he was shy, often cowering away from interactions that alphas usually had no issue with. He didn’t know how to stop it though. “This class is mostly looking at ecology. I’m more interested in humans, to be honest.”
“It’s always hard to learn when you aren’t interested in the topic,” Hongjoong commiserated. “Well, here’s what I’m thinking. Why don’t we walk through some of these problems together, and next time I’ll arrange some practice problems that might be more eye-catching for you.”
Seonghwa stared at him with a raised brow. He wasn’t sure how that would go. Hongjoong was notoriously smart and dedicated to his work, but it was also widely known that he never put effort into anything that wasn’t in the narrow list of fields he was obsessed with. The idea of him researching biology just to give the man some practice problems seemed laughable. Still, everyone who had used the man’s services swore by his teaching method and raved about his intellect and no bullshit attitude. He was efficient and still kind enough to not make you feel like shit for being dumber than him. That was the consensus and a large reason why he had chosen Hongjoong as his tutor.
“Alright,” Seonghwa relented. He readied his pencil and his calculator and the younger man started walking him through the problem in small digestible steps, not batting an eye at all the times he mixed up the order of things or just simply didn’t get it. An hour later and Seonghwa had successfully completed his homework but felt no closer to understanding the material. He wanted to scream.
The next week the two met at the same place and same time and true to his word, Hongjoong presented him with statistics problems pertaining solely to human biology, to pheromones and digestive processes and even neurology. Seonghwa just gawked at him at first, unwilling to believe what he was seeing. More annoyingly, he was understanding it better. Having been more familiar with the topics the answers were more intuitive. He could catch his mistakes faster. He was still having issues remembering what formulas were used when and the order of some things, but for the first time in years he actually seemed to be breaking down the unyielding wall that held all the answers behind it.
Hongjoong was a fucking genius and Seonghwa wasn’t sure if it pissed him off or if he was endlessly fascinated and impressed. He wanted to be like him so badly and yet the idea of being in his shoes made him groan in discomfort. Hongjoong was such an alpha. He came from a good family, had a full scholarship for his degree field, and he got along with everybody. He commanded every room he was in, did all of his work perfectly, and he was beautiful. His smile could make any omega swoon. He had no idea why the man was single. It was a highly debated topic amongst the rest of the school. The general consensus was he just hadn’t met someone who met his standards, and someone like him must have very high standards.
Seonghwa left the session with a small smile and a sincere thank you and promised to be there on time next week. They fell into a routine after that with Hongjoong creating practice problems for him and him understanding the material more and more until it seemed that he had mostly been able to transfer what he learned to the actual class, even with the confusing and uninteresting examples that he was forced to use. When it got close to his midterms, he decided he probably didn’t need to keep using his services. It made him sadder than he’d like to admit.
“I’m thinking that if I can get through the midterms alright, I’m probably all set,” the older man explained at the end of their session one day. “Maybe I can schedule something if I’m having issues here and there, but honestly I feel like it’s all making sense now. And I know the second half of the course was always easier for me.”
Seonghwa spoke slowly, fiddling with the ends of his hoodie sleeves, unable to look at the man. There was a long silence and when he couldn’t bear it any longer he finally looked up to see Hongjoong with the most endearing smile imaginable. “You’ve been making great progress,” the younger man agreed. “If you feel like you need more help, by all means just reach out.”
“Thank you, for- well for everything. I really appreciate it,” the older man smiled at him.
He left the session feeling lighter and the next week was midterms. He got a 70 on his statistics exam. Only a 70. That wasn’t enough to put him in good standing and he started to panic. The idea of failing the class again seemed like all too real of a possibility. He didn’t understand it. He felt so good about the material. He felt like he was understanding it better. Even Hongjoong said he was making good progress. Why couldn’t he do this?
Seonghwa felt so stupid.
He spent an entire day over the weekend just moping about, staring at the ceiling in his dorm and trying not to cry. He truly felt pathetic. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to reach out to Hongjoong, to beg him for help after making such a big fuss about not needing it any more. He didn’t know what to say, wasn’t sure if he could take the disappointed look he was sure to get. But it seemed he didn’t need to reach out because that evening he received a text from the man. Previously they had only contacted each other to schedule sessions and their message history was mostly bare. Seonghwa stared at the text, confused, and sighed at the way flutters swam through his heart. Hongjoong seemed so sincere sometimes and he knew that he didn’t deserve it.
Hongjoong: How did your exam go?
Seonghwa spent over an hour contemplating how to tell him, how to break the news that he had failed once again. He wondered if he should just ghost the man. That seemed less painful. But he needed to pass the class or all of his dreams would come crashing down and then what? Why would he go through all the trouble and strife just to give up after years of working towards his degree?
Seonghwa: I didn’t do great. 70
Seonghwa: I’m sorry
The man laid in his bed, unmoving, staring at the ceiling. All of his sudden motivation to not give up seemed expended on the text and now he was right back to sighing into the darkness of his room. The sun was going down but he had no willpower to get up to turn the light on. It was nearly ten minutes later when he received a response.
Hongjoong: Have you had dinner yet?
Seonghwa stared at his phone utterly perplexed. He was expecting to be chewed out or at least be given a slew of motivational messages that would ultimately mean nothing to him. He definitely didn’t expect that. He told the man the truth, that he hadn’t, and shortly after he received a text asking him to join him at a nearby diner he was planning to go to.
Seonghwa had no reason to say yes, but the interaction was so bizarre that he couldn’t seem to say no. He was too intrigued. He got dressed quickly, hoping he didn’t look too disheveled from lazing about all day, and left to meet him in the student parking lot.
He spied Hongjoong leaning against what he assumed to be his car, a decently nice vehicle. It was clean and seemed to be well kept, something that was maybe ten years old at the latest. The younger man gave him a small wave as he approached and gestured to the passenger side.
“Glad you could join me,” he smiled.
“Uh, yeah, well, thanks for inviting me?” Seonghwa muttered. He hadn’t meant for it to sound like a question, but he was still just so confused about it all. He slipped into the car and buckled his seatbelt, fiddling with his sleeves as the man made his way to the driver’s side and started to turn the car on.
“See, I was worried you’d be moping,” the younger man chuckled. “I think before you can fix your stats issues, you need to feel better.”
Seonghwa stared at him as he started to drive, his focus on the road. He wasn’t the best driver or the worst driver. He felt safe enough and that’s all he could ask for. It was easier to think about that then to come up with a response to what the alpha had said. Eventually the man just kept talking.
“Whenever I finish a set of exams, I like to come to this diner and get something comforting. It doesn’t matter what grade I get. I think it’s good to reward myself for the hard work, no matter the outcome. I think you should do the same.”
“Have you ever gotten a bad grade?” Seonghwa scoffed.
“Of course I have,” Hongjoong chuckled. “I’m only human.”
“That’s surprising,” the older man mumbled. “The whole campus seems to believe you’re a super genius who can pass any class with flying colors.”
“You seem too level headed to be paying attention to baseless gossip,” the alpha laughed out.
“How is it baseless?” Seonghwa shot back with a small chuckle. “You’re here on a crazy scholarship for your past grades and you tutor just about everybody.”
“It’s not that hard to get that scholarship for this field,” Hongjoong grimaced. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great scholarship and I’m thankful for it, but my competition wasn’t very… strong,” he laughed. “Everyone in the business track is shallow. I’m not sure I’ve met anybody who has anything interesting to say. It’s much more amazing to have a scholarship for a field like yours. Didn’t you get one?”
“Well… I did. And then I lost it,” Seonghwa muttered, bitter. “I wasn’t smart enough to keep it.”
“Nonsense,” the younger man said sternly. “Having it at all is super impressive. I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself.”
“I’m being plenty fair. At this rate I’m going to fail this class again. I’m just- I’m so stupid,” the older man groaned, frustration shooting through him.
“Don’t call yourself that.”
“It’s true.”
Hongjoong glanced at him, taking his eyes off the road for a moment. He sighed as he turned into the parking lot for a small restaurant, something cozy and familiar despite Seonghwa having never been there. He turned towards the man with a frown. “Call me stupid instead.”
“What?” Seonghwa stuttered.
The man shot him a smile, one of the ones that made omegas swoon, and he felt his heart race just a tad. Hongjoong gestured to himself. “Do you think I’m stupid?”
“We just went over this, didn’t we?” the older man sighed. “Of course not.”
“Right. So if you call me stupid it means nothing because you know it’s not true. I know it’s not true. It’s an empty statement. But if you call yourself stupid, then you’ll believe it,” the younger man explained, voice gentle and sincere. “So if you get frustrated because you’re struggling with something, then just call me stupid. Get it out of your system that way.”
“You’re insane,” Seonghwa muttered, leaning back in his seat with a small laugh.
“That works too,” the younger man grinned. “Come on. I’m starving.”
It was awkward at first. The two had never chatted much during their tutoring sessions. They always got right to work and stayed on task until the hour was up. They might have exchanged basic pleasantries, but there was just no way to prepare Seonghwa for sitting with Hongjoong and finding something to actually say. Eventually the silence was broken and they made small talk while they ate their noodle dishes, going over basic information about themselves. They talked about music and about movies and about all of the other miscellaneous things that it seemed they could bond over.
What really got Seonghwa out of his shell was when Hongjoong dropped the act of trying to find a middle ground and just leaned in, wanting to know more about the older man’s major. He relented, rambling for some time about his interest in subgenders and pheromones and hormone cycles and anatomy and physiology and everything in between.
“What got you interested in that?” Hongjoong asked after a while of intently listening, a small smile adorning his lips like he actually cared.
Seonghwa wasn’t sure what to say. The truth of the matter was he got interested in biology after he first learned what bitching was. He thought it was fascinating that it was possible and he wanted to know all about it in the hopes that he could do it one day. Since then he realized that things aren’t quite that simple, that bitching is dangerous and difficult and requires a level of trust that is hard to come by, especially given the stigma around it. He mostly made peace with the idea that it would never happen for him, and really he was fine with that, he thought. Especially when he talked to people like Hongjoong who never seemed to comment on subgender at all, didn’t seem to care one way or another what Seonghwa was or how he acted, if he fit the mold he was supposed to be crammed into.
He shrugged a little. “I just think the body is so interesting. There’s still so much we don’t understand about ourselves. And I think that’s a real shame.”
“Hmm, what’s a big mystery we still need to uncover?” the younger man asked with interest. Seonghwa grinned and started on a tangent about beta physiology that just didn’t seem to follow any rules. Hongjoong listened with rapt fascination, asking questions occasionally, but mostly just letting the older man talk.
By the end of the night the older man was battling the butterflies that fluttered within him. He was really having a hard time staying calm when Hongjoong was so handsome and cool and nice and genuinely interested in him. He wasn’t used to that sort of attention and despite all the reasons why he shouldn’t care, he cared a lot. Seonghwa had known for years that he could crush on anyone regardless of their gender or their subgender. It happened all of the time. But it was rare he felt so strongly towards an alpha. They usually made him uncomfortable.
By the time he returned to his dorm and slipped into bed, staring at the ceiling for the umpteenth time that day, he knew he was in big trouble. He was crushing hard on Hongjoong. He had no idea what to do.
Getting past the hurdle of his messy midterms was a difficult task, but Hongjoong made it a little easier. He was so patient with Seonghwa, gave good advice and persisted even when the older man thought he should just give up.
“Which method should we use here?” Hongjoong asked one day as they stared at the worksheet that was giving Seonghwa a headache.
“I don’t know,” the older man groaned. “I- Maybe a- well, I don’t know!”
“What are we looking for here?”
“We need to- uh well the variables… it’s asking if the variables are significantly related.”
“Right, so what method checks for that? You can look in your book if you have to.”
“Hongjoong, this is pointless,” Seonghwa sighed, running a hand down his face. His scent was betraying his frustration and it made him feel even more pitiful. “I feel so st-”
The younger man cleared his throat, offering a stern glare to his student. “What was that?” he asked slowly, a small playful growl leaving past his lips.
“You’re stupid,” Seonghwa mumbled in a huff. He cracked a small smile. It was another one of the things that made Hongjoong such a genius. His rule about taking out his frustration in that way did make it easier to stop himself from spiraling and the audacity of it always made him laugh a little. It kept the mood light even when the older man thought he would be better off giving up and living in the woods.
“Good job. Now just focus. I know you can figure it out,” Hongjoong said gently.
“It’s a- it needs a chi square test?”
“See? You knew it,” the younger man beamed at him.
Seonghwa wished desperately that he could get away from the rapid beating of his own heart.
He finished the class that semester with a B+ average and Hongjoong insisted on buying him dinner at the same restaurant to celebrate his hard work. Seonghwa felt like he could cry. He was so relieved. It made it a lot easier to relax over his break and when he returned for the start of the next semester he was fired up to do well. It was odd at first, not having his weekly routine of seeing the younger man and talking about statistics until his brain hurt. But he threw himself into his work and the first month of classes went by uneventfully.
And then one day…
Hongjoong: Are you good with other sciences or just bio?
Seonghwa: I did fine in most science classes I took. Why?
Hongjoong: How are you with chemistry??
Seonghwa stared at his phone with equal parts curiosity and dread. It was good hearing from the man, but the line of questioning was making his nerves become an issue, not to mention the way his heart still swooned whenever he thought about him, let alone held a conversation.
Seonghwa: Yeah, I took an intro course my first semester and it was fine. WHY?
Hongjoong: Could you tutor me?
He stared harder at the phone. Surely this was some sort of trick, a prank, a dream maybe? There was no way that the Kim Hongjoong, super genius tutor extraordinaire was asking him for help. He wasn’t qualified for that at all. He did fine in the class. He might be able to remember it well enough, or at least refresh his memory to the point that he could help, theoretically, but he didn’t think he was cut out to be a tutor. He didn’t have the patience or the tenacity that made Hongjoong so good at it. He must have been zoning out for too long, too fearful to make sense of a response, because the younger man sent another text.
Hongjoong: I’ll pay
He sighed. He couldn’t very well say no.
Seonghwa: I can try
“I’m surprised you’re even taking this class,” Seonghwa chuckled as they sat down in their usual spot the next day. “What does a business major need a chem class for?”
Hongjoong shot him a grin, his scent betraying a hint of sheepishness. “I needed a lab credit and I’ve been ignoring that for years at this point. Figured I’d get it over with. This far into my degree there isn’t much to break up all the business jargon and as much as I love it, it’s just a lot sometimes.”
“Why are you in this field anyway?” the older man asked. He was too curious to stop himself even though they should by all accounts be getting to work. The other man didn’t seem to mind however, his lips still curled into a casual smile. It was relaxing being around Hongjoong. Things always felt just a bit natural regardless of the situation.
“My dad expects me to take over his company when he passes. It’s my destiny or something like that,” he chuckled.
“And you want to?” Seonghwa hummed, recalling the widely known fact that the man before him refused to put effort into the things he wasn’t interested in.
The younger man shrugged. “I did… I think I’m more interested in talking about this stuff than doing it to be honest. I like the subject fine. I think I’d run the business fine. Until then… well I’m not sure.”
“You should teach,” the older man said simply.
“You should teach,” Hongjoong shot back with a giggle. “I need to pass this chem class or none of this matters.”
“Right, right. Okay, show me what you’re up to in class.”
The two got to work and Seonghwa was surprised to find that he remembered the material more than he thought. It came to him in sudden bursts and he was feeling giddy at the memories, the feeling of knowing and understanding. Hongjoong was mostly quiet as he listened to the older man’s explanations, attentive and soft as he often was. It was so odd how the man who was usually so commanding could be so quiet and gentle at the same time. He was a good alpha.
Seonghwa was still very much crushing on the man and it concerned him the more they spent time together. He thought he was mostly keeping his interest out of his scent but he wasn’t entirely sure. If it was at all noticeable, Hongjoong never commented on it. He assumed if it was noticeable the man would think it was to do with other things. It’s not exactly common for alphas to be attracted to one another. But Seonghwa wasn’t the most alpha alpha there was.
His instincts were always a bit muddled. When he was growing up he always felt fascinated by omegas and what they did, how they acted, how they differed from the thing he knew he was going to present as. It always left a sour taste in his mouth whenever he watched his mother or omega cousins. He wanted to join them so badly. When he was still young, before he presented, when his berry-rich scent was just starting to come through, his cousins would let him join them in their nests, cuddling and watching movies. The older he got the less they invited him in. Eventually they just stopped hanging out.
When he got his first rut he thought he truly wanted to die. Nothing felt right. Nothing about it felt natural, like his body was undergoing some sort of alien process he wasn’t privy to, acting against his will. He felt disconnected from himself in ways he didn’t know possible, and his instincts were no help. They told him what to do in vague riddles and sometimes their commands were pointed in the wrong direction. He didn’t think he had very good instincts. He wasn’t a good alpha and he knew that. He wasn’t even good at pretending.
He went on suppressants as soon as he could, but every time his symptoms started to leak through, urging him to take a break and allow his body to rest, he was back to feeling at odds with himself. He wished he could have heats instead, wished his body was smaller and daintier, wished his scent was sweeter and pretty like he wanted it to be. He wanted to produce slick, to be knotted, to purr and nest and giggle with other omegas. He wanted to catch an alpha’s eye and bat his lashes, urging him over to hold him close. He was attracted to omegas as well, but being with them was risky. Being around omegas just made him sad sometimes and there was no way he was going to have a relationship like that. It wouldn’t be fair to either party. So he was mostly alone. He never shared his rut with anyone and he thought it was better that way. Nobody could see how distraught he got.
It was halfway through the semester that he started to feel the signs of his suppressants failing. He sat across from Hongjoong in their usual spot with a heavy sigh, trying to muster a smile despite the pain of his pounding headache and the antsy way his body seemed to move on its own, too much energy filling his veins. And yet he was so tired it hurt. If he kept up his suppressants any longer he was going to start feeling beyond sick. Given the schedule he was keeping, there was no good time to ease off of them. He was just going to have to bite the bullet and suffer for a few days.
“Are you alright?” Hongjoong asked, scrunching his nose.
“Sorry, yeah, I- I’m fine,” Seonghwa said hastily. He took a deep breath, stubbornly forcing his scent to even out more, to get rid of the acrid burning that seemed to be seeping past the scent patch he wore. “I’m just feeling a bit… I- I need to take a suppressant break soon.”
The younger alpha frowned. “Shouldn’t you of all people know that it’s not good to wait until you have to? I’m sure your doctor would disapprove.”
“School is more important. It’s not like it’ll harm me in the long run. It’s just… unpleasant,” the older man said grumpily. He was feeling irritated more than anything and he didn’t want to be annoyed at the other man, someone who he was beginning to consider a friend, just because his body was working against him.
Truthfully he wanted Hongjoong to hold him through it, to help him find relief from his instinctual hell that he didn’t want to be cast into. If only that was a possibility.
“But you’ll do it soon, right?” Hongjoong pressed, voice stern. He sounded concerned, worried. It made Seonghwa’s heart flutter in dangerous ways, more than likely amplified from his hormonal state.
“Soon. Maybe this weekend,” the older man sighed. He didn’t want to do it at all, but if he was forced to, the fewer classes he had to miss the better. “We might have to reschedule our usual session…”
“That’s the least of my worries,” Hongjoong chuckled. “Just take care of yourself, please.”
Seonghwa was quiet for a moment, staving off the smile that was itching to spread across his face. He was practically melting under the man’s concern. “Hongjoong, why are we still doing this anyway?” he asked slowly after a few minutes. “You haven’t had any issues with the material in weeks.”
“I’m not having any issues because you’re good at teaching me,” he scoffed, averting his gaze.
“I’m not doing a damn thing,” the older man huffed. “We end up chatting more than anything else.”
Hongjoong’s eyes softened as he finally met Seonghwa’s stare again. “I like talking with you.”
“I do too,” the older man said softly. He could feel his face heating up. He wanted to roll his eyes at himself. What a pitiful situation to be falling so hard for a man you can’t have. He wanted to laugh at himself.
“Do you want to just forget this then?” Hongjoong asked, gesturing to the table around them. They hadn’t even gotten their materials out yet. “Do you want to just… hang out?”
There was a part of Seonghwa that thought he should say no. There couldn’t be anything good that came from being near the man, especially without the work they usually did to distract him, to keep his wants at bay. The majority of him, however, wanted nothing more than to be with him without the pretense of tutoring. He wanted to just talk and relax and be friends. It would be the first time he had a friend who didn’t make him feel odd. Omegas made him sad. Alphas made him uneasy. Betas were just confusing.
But Hongjoong… Hongjoong felt safe. Comfortable.
So Seonghwa agreed, against his better judgment, and the younger man shot him a smile, all perfect teeth and sincerity that made his heart ache. He started regretting it when the man suggested they go back to his dorm so it would be more comfortable while he was feeling so ill. He should definitely have said no to such a thing, but he didn’t. He just followed him to his dorm and acted like things were fine and normal as they sat on Hongjoong’s bed and talked about this and that, laughing and just enjoying themselves.
“Here,” he said at one point, throwing a blanket around the older man’s shoulders. “Just make yourself at home. I don’t want you to sit here feeling like crap, even if you’re being silly about your suppressants.”
The older alpha held the blanket close, thankful for the warmth it provided, thankful to have something to do with his hands when they were suddenly itching to touch the man next to him. He wanted to pull him close until their lips met. He wanted nothing more than to give himself over to the man. He was so overwhelmed with need that all he could do was get it out of his system in the same way he always did when he was feeling overwhelmed and upset. “You’re an idiot,” Seonghwa said softly.
He never meant it when he said it. They both knew that. But this time especially, the words were far from what he meant. If he could put into words all of the pitiful things he felt in that moment, it would have sounded something closer to “I love you.”
Hongjoong just chuckled, his eyes sparkling. “Yeah? Well you’re amazing.”
Seonghwa repeated those words over and over in his head for the rest of the night and into the next day and so on and so on. They were the only thing that got him through his rut without going crazy. He thought about Hongjoong a lot during his rut. He thought about things that made him blush as he recalled them in the following days. The scenes that had been so vivid in his head at the time would resurface at odd moments and make him shudder. And then he would remember they weren’t real and never would be and his heart clenched, everything terribly bleak in his mind.
Hongjoong seemed excited to have him back the next week after his rut ended. He never commented on any changes in Seonghwa’s scent despite the difficulty he had in keeping things neutral. He was on edge with a million emotions threatening to burst from his chest, a mix of fondness and anxiety and arousal and giddiness at being around the other man. He hoped that the lack of acknowledgement meant that the younger man didn’t pick up on these things, but he was beginning to suspect that it wasn’t the case. How could he not notice all of the ways Seonghwa made it apparent, without him even noticing, that he was falling in love with the man?
It wasn’t just his scent anymore. As the weeks continued it was every action he took. It was his need to be close, the way he would sit right up against him without even noticing, the way their knees would knock together, the way he found excuses to touch him. There were only so many times he could fix the collar of a shirt that had no faults to begin with. It was the way he would get so overrun with his attachment to the other man, so bursting with joy and love, that he had to say something. He couldn’t say what he wanted to, so he resorted to insulting the man. Calling him stupid or an idiot or dense became shorthand in his mind for “I love you more and more each day.”
Hongjoong took all of this in stride. He never spoke on any of it. He accepted the unkind words with a laugh and a compliment in return, leaning in with a smile. His own scent never fluctuated, never gave anything away about how he was feeling. It just smelled content, at ease. It was relaxing and Seonghwa wanted nothing more than to stay in those moments forever.
Days passed in that way, blurry and muddled together. The semester ended and then the next one as well and so on and next he knew they were just a month out from graduating. Things were getting stressful in their classes but never with each other. They sought the other out after long days to chat, dragged the other to the library to study in silent companionship, let the other know when they were at their wits end. Seonghwa was always surprised that such a thing could happen to the calm and collected Kim Hongjoong. He was glad to be a source of comfort regardless.
“Hey, idiot,” Seonghwa smiled one day, plopping into the chair next to him. They had become inseparable, always at one another’s side.
“Hey, Hwa.”
“I just found out something really interesting in one of my classes,” the older man said excitedly. It was something that was making him very giddy and he was beyond excited to put the new knowledge into practice, but it was also something that felt inherently dangerous. It was too personal, too close to his inner secrets that not even he himself was always privy to. It made his hairs stand on end, concern lacing through his scent just as much as the excitement.
Hongjoong tilted his head at him, crinkling his nose in the cute way he sometimes did when the older man’s scent held too much, too much emotion and confusion. It was the only time he ever made it clear that he even recognized the scents that came from Seonghwa and only when there was any sort of sadness in the mix. It was his way to show his concern, clearly. Acknowledgment without pushiness. He never asked anything of Seonghwa, but always made his willingness to help, to be there, known.
“What did you learn?”
“Have you ever wanted to purr?” he asked, voice stilted. Saying it was embarrassing and scary and he was annoyed at it all. “Because you can. We can purr.”
The younger man hummed a bit. “I guess I’ve never thought about it much. That’s cool though.”
“I want to figure it out,” Seonghwa whispered, somewhat to himself. He was losing more and more of his nerve. “I think it would be fun.”
“Alright, we have our break activity.”
“Break activity?”
Hongjoong nodded, grinning wide. “It’s now that part of the semester where we have to cram as much as possible. Whenever our brains start to turn to mush, we’ll take a break by learning to purr. Deal?”
“Deal,” Seonghwa sighed out, eyes wetting against his wishes. He blinked heavily and sat back in his seat, trying to school his expression into something more neutral. He failed. He couldn’t stop smiling.
The next few days were a blur of cramming for exams and odd noises. Every time the two took a break from their studies and tried to figure out purring, it quickly devolved into spastic laughter. They mostly worked in the younger man's dorm to save themselves from the mortifying ordeal of doing such things in public. Seonghwa was having fun, giggling until his eyes started to tear up, but he was also growing more and more frustrated and the longer it went on the harder it was to keep his emotions in check. After a particularly rough bout of uncomfortable noises and Hongjoong’s laughter, Seonghwa thought he’d lose it.
“What’s wrong?” Hongjoong asked suddenly, his giggles tapering off. He leaned in closer, his eyebrows furrowing, nose scrunching lightly at the frustration heavy in the other man’s scent.
Seonghwa groaned, burying his face in his hands. “I just- I want to figure this out and- and it’s not working,” he sighed.
The younger man nodded, expression serious. “Alright. Then we’ll figure it out, okay?”
“Okay, idiot,” Seonghwa whispered.
Hongjoong managed to keep his composure for the rest of the afternoon as they tested out different sounds, focusing on different areas of their throats. It was uncomfortable and seemingly impossible with nothing to go off of. Seonghwa was beginning to wonder if they'd be able to figure it out without the help of an omega, but there was no way he was going to be that vulnerable with someone he was so envious of. He didn't even know that many. But maybe Hongjoong did. The thought shot through him sudden and terrible and he felt an awful bout of jealousy tingle up his spine.
"Maybe we could use an omega's help with this," he admitted slowly, watching the shorter man's reaction.
Hongjoong hummed a bit, head tilted. "I suppose we could ask someone. I don't know many, if I'm honest. Not closely. I tutor a lot of omegas, but-" the man cut himself off, cheeks dusting pink. "Honestly I have a hard time talking with them."
Seonghwa snorted. "You? Why?"
The younger man shrugged. "They're always hitting on me," he muttered, sheepish. "I don't like having to turn people down. So I try to just… avoid it in the first place."
The older man looked at him curiously, all of his prior jealousy gone. "None of them interest you?"
Hongjoong looked away quickly, stammering out an answer. "Well- You see, my dad thinks- he really wants me to- He's very… particular… about who he thinks I should mate with. It's not that I'm not interested exactly. I just don't want to put anyone through that."
"So what, you're just going to be single the rest of your life?" Seonghwa asked, raising a brow. He was surprised that as close as they had gotten, as much time as they spent with each other, they had never discussed this before. It seemed to really bother the younger man and part of him felt a tingly sort of satisfaction in knowing that the alpha was comfortable enough around him to be so vulnerable. It still broke his heart though. Hongjoong was really wonderful and the idea that he was stopping himself from finding happiness and connection just because of some nonsense his father was attached to stung.
"Unless I can find someone I like that also meets my dad's insane standards… Or if I find someone who's worth fighting for. Until then, yeah. I guess I'll be single," Hongjoong said softly as he laid back on the bed, arms resting under his head. He shot Seonghwa a reassuring smile, his expression lightening. "But for now, I'm more than happy just being with you. It's not like a live a bad life by any means."
The older man struggled to keep his scent even as the words warmed through him. He gave his friend a small smile and laid down next to him, sighing into the comfort of the bed below and the safety of being with the other alpha. He was always so relaxed when they were together despite the way his heart fluttered dangerously, pattering away like the flapping wings of a hummingbird. He was surprised he hadn't had a heart attack yet.
Hongjoong reached over and pat the older man on the shoulder lightly, wrist brushing against his body ever so subtly to scent him. It was an intimate moment of familiarity and connection. It wasn't anything major in the grand scheme of things, but casual intimacy between alphas was rare and often felt taboo. It was always seen as odd to be that close, that friendly, for there to be no territorial banter or competitive flare. It was one of those social norms that held no weight and yet everyone followed anyway. It made Seonghwa's heart even more erratic, but his instincts were comforted by the man's gentle touch. He relaxed further into the bed and shut his eyes lightly, reveling in the moment of trust and friendship, and a small, broken purr built up in his chest.
His eyes shot open and he glanced at his friend who raised a brow, grinning. "Guess we don't need an omega after all," he mused.
Seonghwa chuckled and worked to find the noise again, molding a memory that he would keep dear to him, instructions on how to be just a little closer to himself. He could purr. The joy that shot through him was dizzying and Hongjoong laughed, crinkling his nose with a smile. He wondered what the younger man thought of it all. His expression was one of fondness and amusement. There was no judgment, no indication that he found it weird, just the look of pride. It was the same look that he used to give Seonghwa when he'd figure out how to complete a stats problem. He wondered if Hongjoong could possibly know how much more important this was than math.
They both graduated with honors. It was bittersweet as most changes are. Seonghwa walked across the stage feeling endlessly proud, but the ever present tinge of discomfort rang through him as it often did when he was in the spotlight. The knowledge that everyone around him saw him and saw an alpha would always leave him feeling like his skin was too small and suffocating. The feeling went away as soon as he returned to Hongjoong's side and they found their way to the restaurant that had become habit, the place they went to celebrate hard work and the end of exams. This time their respective families were joining them, wishing them congratulations and showering them with praise.
It was the first time Seonghwa had met Hongjoong's dad who seemed to stare at him like he knew all of the man's secrets, like he could see just how pitiful of an alpha he was. If Hongjoong noticed at all, he ignored it, sticking to the older man's side and sharing knowing smiles and inside jokes until the night ended and they parted ways.
Seonghwa wasn't sure how things would look moving forward. He had grown accustomed to Hongjoong's steady presence. They were always together at this point. But schedules would change, their lives taking on different trajectories. He wasn't prepared for it.
Seonghwa had already accepted a grad program at a university a few hours away and was trying to work out the logistics of moving, of supporting himself while he stayed there and finished his masters degree. Hongjoong had every intent of getting his own graduate degree, but was apparently undecided on where he was going to go. He had a lot of options given his grades and his success and his family's money. It was hard to admit that they weren't going to see each other much anymore. Daily afternoon study sessions would turn into the occasional call and eventually just texts here and there. The reliance they had built on each other, needing the other's strength at low times, would have to be diverted elsewhere.
Seonghwa didn't want to lose his friend, but at least for the time being it would be hard to maintain their relationship. They both felt it, a small tinge of sadness lilting through their scent as the reality continued to hit them, but they never said goodbye, not really.
And then a week later, Seonghwa got a call from Hongjoong.
"Hey, so I decided on a school for my graduate degree," he started off, excitement clear in his voice. "It was easy once I actually gave it some thought. I figure, I'll just go wherever you go."
Seonghwa was baffled. "Hongjoong," he said slowly, confused. "You could go to basically any school you want. Why would you follow me to some shitty mid-tier college that doesn't even have that good of a business program?"
"Well, I don't need the best credentials out there. I know what I'm doing. And I really just need the masters so I can teach."
"You really want to teach?"
"Yeah. I do. And I want to be happy. And I want to decide this for myself and not listen to any of the nonsense you or my father have to say on the matter," the younger man chuckled. "It didn't take a lot of convincing as far as my dad goes, surprisingly. Don't make me struggle now when I'm so close."
"You're dad's really okay with this?" Seonghwa asked incredulously as he laid back on his bed. His childhood room was still so soft and adolescent, but something about it was so comforting. It felt safe to him, the childish toys on the shelves and decor on the walls and plushies littering his bed made him feel like he was in a nest of sorts. It wasn't quite right, and it was lonely, but in the comfort of his own room he could pretend and rely on it's coziness to get through odd things like this without feeling too insane about it all.
"My dad doesn't care if I get a graduate degree. He figures I have everything I need for his purposes, so what I do going forward doesn't matter as much. And I want to teach and I want to stick with you while I work towards that. I think I'll go crazy if I don't, Hwa."
"I'm not going to argue with you," Seonghwa said softly. "But, just know that you're an idiot."
"I know. I'm not going to apologize for such things."
The older man let a smile find his lips as he stared up at his ceiling wistfully, a small purr building in his chest without even thinking much about it. "I guess I'll see you there then."
"Yeah, about that," Hongjoong mumbled, suddenly awkward and skittish. "I found an apartment not far from campus and I sweet-talked my dad into paying for rent, so I just have to worry about utilities and food and stuff. It'll be easier to focus on my studies that way. I- Well, I was wondering if you wanted to be my roommate?"
"You can't be serious."
"Can't I?" he giggled, beginning to ramble. "Why not? It's a two bedroom. My dad was going on and on about how I should turn the second one into an office but you know how I am. I just work in bed most of the time. And we wouldn't have to work much at all if we're sharing the bills so- so we can just focus on school. It'll be low stress and, well, I think it'd be fun, right? To live with my best friend?"
Best friend. Seonghwa felt his heart tighten, for once pleasantly. He hadn't realized the other man had shared that sentiment with him.
"I've never heard you so nervous before," Seonghwa breathed, heart thundering in his chest so hard he was sure it would escape and start flopping around on the floor.
Hongjoong swallowed on the other end of the line, hard enough to be heard through the distance that separated them. His voice was weak as he whispered, "I'm not sure I could take it he you said no, Hwa."
"Well, I can't do that to you, huh?" the older alpha smiled. "Guess we're roommates then."
It wasn't difficult forming routine around Hongjoong. They knew each other well enough to not encroach on each other's territories so to speak. Boundaries never had to be discussed because it was clear, innate to them. They divvied up chores and tasks seamlessly, kept each other company, let each other be alone otherwise.
And Seonghwa was falling in love harder than ever, his chest pinching whenever the other alpha was nearby. He was struggling more and more to keep it out of his scent and his actions, his ever growing need to be near the man like a physical entity that pushed him forward. Even his instincts seemed focused on the other alpha. Hongjoong never commented on his closeness, on his clinginess. He took it in stride like he always did.
A month into them living together, with their first bout of graduate classes looming around the corner, Seonghwa started feeling sick. He was getting irritable and restless, full of energy and then fatigued beyond belief in rapid succession. His head was pounding, the nausea was relentless, and he felt so incredibly stupid for not having thought any of this through.
He finally broke down and broached the topic with Hongjoong as they were idly eating the dinner he had cooked for them earlier, letting the focus on the stove top distract him from the growing discomfort of his body. Seonghwa turned to the younger man, embarrassment already present in his scent, face flushed. "Hongjoong, I, uh, I'm going to need to take a break from my suppressants soon."
"Yeah, I figured. You haven't been doing well this week," he said softly, casually. There was a hint of commiseration in his voice, something apologetic and understanding that made Seonghwa cringe. He didn't understand really. He couldn't. As close as they were, Hongjoong would never be able to know about this part of him.
"I'm just not really sure what to do about it," he mumbled, stuffing down the harder parts of this.
Hongjoong tilted his head at him, his eyes flickering around the apartment. "I don't think there's anything you need to worry about. Our rooms are on opposite sides of the apartment. I can wear patches in here if the scent will bother you. Do you get really territorial? I don't mind, really."
"No, I- I don't. Not at all, really," Seonghwa said truthfully.
"I'll give you space and you can just do what you have to do. No worries, alright?"
The older man would definitely worry, but he nodded anyway, swallowing the stubborn lump that seemed stuck in his throat. It wouldn't go away, no matter how much he tried. But he couldn't ignore this need. He knew Hongjoong would give him hell for it anyway if he wasn't taking care of himself. So he eased off of his suppressants and waited impatiently to get the hell of his rut over with. He just hoped he could be quiet during it.
The daze started to set in as he was exiting the bathroom a few days later. He could feel by the way his mind started to wobble that he didn't have much time. So he stopped by the kitchen to gather snacks and water and everything he needed to at least try to take care of himself. At the last second he lingered by the front door to their apartment, arms full of bottles and chips, and glanced around. Hongjoong was in his room, probably napping knowing him. He sighed a little and gave in to his instincts, something he very rarely did. He grabbed his roommates jacket off of the hook by the door and dragged it with him into his room, resigning himself to his suffering.
His rut was standard, which for him was awful. He spent most of it sniffling in discomfort, awkwardly stroking himself to relieve the simmering arousal that clouded his thoughts. He kept close to Hongjoong's jacket, breathing in the soothing aroma of his friend. It helped a little, but it also filled him with guilt whenever his mind was clear enough to think about it. The man was on his mind whenever he found an orgasm, something that felt inherently risky when he was just a few doors down. Seonghwa tried to ignore it but he couldn't. He just couldn't.
He hated even touching his knots, hated the feeling of the base of his cock expanding, hated how good it felt when it also felt so unnatural and odd. He hated having to keep it squeezed to stop the tingling discomfort from settling in, nearing pain. He hated his ruts so much. He just wanted them to stop. He would give anything for them to stop. Seonghwa didn't want them anymore.
He emerged a few days later exhausted and downtrodden. He was scared to face his roommate after masturbating to his memory for days on end, but he couldn't hide forever. Hongjoong looked at him strangely as soon as he exited the bathroom, freshly showered of the ick of it all, and Seonghwa's heart dropped into his stomach from nerves.
"Are they always that bad?" Hongjoong asked quietly, eyes darting around the older man's form, concern laced in his scent. "Is that why you always wait so long to take your suppressant break?"
"What do you mean?" the older alpha asked weakly.
The shorter man stared at him with tension clear on his features, hesitating on what to say. "You smelled distressed the entire time," he whispered. "I wasn't sure if- if I should have gone in there to make sure you were okay or- I didn't want to make anything worse."
Seonghwa grimaced and shook his head. "No, you- you're fine. You made the right choice."
"Alright," he sighed, seemingly relieved of some amount of guilt. "But, really, are they always-"
"I don't want to talk about this, Hongjoong," the older man said quickly, gaze pointed at the floor in a stubborn act of pretending things were fine. If he didn't think about it, things were fine. The younger man nodded, apologetic, and let it be.
Hongjoong's rut hit in the middle of the semester. Seonghwa was thankful to have something to do to keep him out of the apartment as much as he could. Whenever he was in his own home he was staving off panic, the smell of rut thick in the air. He wanted more than anything to barge in there and beg for his best friend's knot. All he could do was lock himself away in his own room and stretch himself out on his fingers, inexperienced and tentative. He had never felt so desperate in his life, so eager and needy. But the more he did it, the more painful it became that it was something he'd never really have outside of fantasy.
When Hongjoong emerged a few days later, Seonghwa acted as if nothing was amiss, but the way his roommate stared at him made him question if that was working well enough. He never said anything though. Hongjoong wasn't the type to acknowledge the discomfort around him in such a direct way. He silently made sure the older man was alright and otherwise let it be. It made Seonghwa feel that much guiltier and that much more thankful to have him as a friend.
Towards the end of their first year they entered the familiarity of cramming mode. It was much more leisurely as a graduate student. They were more interested in their work, and they didn't have to do much outside of their schooling, just maintained simple, part-time positions at local stores to put food on the table. They had a surprising amount of free time, all considering. Maybe that was why Hongjoong was less strict this year, falling into chatter more easily. Seonghwa let him.
One night they stayed up late with their textbooks spread out on the kitchen table, heavy rain thumping against the windows. The occasional roll of thunder interrupted the relative silence. It was cozy to be inside with good company when the outside world was thrown into such chaos, and Seonghwa worked with a light smile on his face, the occasional purr leaving him ever so often. If Hongjoong ever figured out how to produce the noise, he never said, but it hadn't seemed to be a priority for the man anyway. He always seemed pleased when Seonghwa could find the low comforting rumble regardless, shooting him soft smiles and proud eyes.
Even if Hongjoong didn't know why, it was clear that he understood it was important to Seonghwa, and that was enough for the older man to feel the familiar tug on his heart, yearning to be closer.
It was getting late, steadily approaching midnight, and Hongjoong stood, grabbing his friend's attention. "I think we need a break," he sighed, walking over to the corner cabinet and reaching far back into the depths of the storage space. He pulled out a bottle of wine and waggled his eyebrows at the older man conspiratorially.
"I'm surprised at you," Seonghwa chuckled.
Hongjoong shrugged as he sat down with the bottle and a couple of glasses. "We've been working hard. Besides, I can tell by the look on your face that you know this material. You haven't been sighing super loudly or bouncing your knee so much I'm worried it'll start a fire or huffing or anything."
"Do- do I really do that stuff?"
The younger alpha ruffled his hair with a giggle. "Yeah, but no worries. It's cute."
Seonghwa turned his head to hide his blush. His roommate wasn't usually one to tease him like that. He wondered if it was a sign that they were growing closer, or maybe it was just a side effect of his own comfort growing. He didn't feel as self conscious as he used to. He didn't have to worry about being a good alpha, at pretending, because Hongjoong didn't judge him for such things. He had companionship to distract him and keep him from getting caught up in his own head most of the time, so he wasn't spiraling as much thinking about how much he wanted to be an omega. He hadn't been that happy in a long time.
They settled next to each other on the floor of their living room, legs splayed out in front of them, leaning against the couch that they often ignored in favor of the carpet. Seonghwa sipped on his wine, content, not worrying too much on finding something to say. Their conversation always worked itself out naturally. And if it didn't, they were never against sitting in comfortable silence.
After a while he started to feel the buzz of the alcohol and when Hongjoong sighed and leaned back more, head resting on the seat of the couch cushion behind him, he regarded the younger man carefully. They didn't drink much, and he wasn't sure what to make of the behavior, but the other alpha gave nothing away. He took another large sip of his drink, finishing it off, before pouring another helping from the bottle that sat between them. He continued to glance at his friend, expression unreadable, but still they sat in the relative quiet of the room, the rain their personal soundtrack to the night.
Eventually Hongjoong turned and scooched closer to his friend. "So, I don't think I told you about what happened in my class the other day," he began, a grin building on his face. "That idiot I'm always telling you about, he got to class half an hour late and when the professor asked for an explanation he tried to convince us that he had been distracted by a UFO hovering over the sports fields."
"A UFO?" the older man scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. Hongjoong's classmate certainly seemed like a character, every story he heard adding to the little picture he had painted of the man, a beta, in his head. The absurdity got to him the more he thought about it and soon he was laughing, staving off losing it too much and covering his mouth with his hand politely.
"Yeah, stupid right?" Hongjoong mused, eyes peering intently at his friend. There was something almost mesmerizing about the intensity of his stare, but Seonghwa was too preoccupied with the story to pay much attention. "And then the professor decided to use aliens as an example for our class activity. We had to come up with marketing strategies we would use to sell product to extraterrestrials. I can't remember the last time I've actually learned something in this class."
Seonghwa was finding it hard to breathe, the giggles wracking through him against his will, body shaking. It only stopped, coming to a still suddenly, when Hongjoong cupped his hand gently against his cheek and leaned in until their lips were pressed together. The younger man pulled away before Seonghwa could register what had happened, could make sense of such a thing. His eyes were wide and full of panic as he inched farther back, putting space between them. He looked like he was about to run, body tensing in preparation.
But then he relaxed, sniffed the air lightly, and let a small smile grow on his lips. Seonghwa was still so frazzled about it all it took a moment to realize why. His scent was laced with joy, the sweet berries smelling ripe and inviting. He was so happy. He was happy before his mind even caught up enough to know it. And Hongjoong looked at him with sparkling eyes, his own scent relaxing to something content and cozy.
Seonghwa glanced away, his face heated in a terrible blush, hand covering his mouth shyly. He couldn't believe it. Kim Hongjoong kissed him. An alpha kissed him. And he didn't feel weird about it. He didn't feel the incessant need to posture about anything in return. He could just be. He was fine. He was him. Because Hongjoong felt safe. He always had.
The younger man plopped his forehead against his shoulder, apparently hiding his own pink tinged cheeks. He chuckled softly and spoke in a low whisper, "I'm so relieved. I was worried I was wrong." Even with the clogging of his thoughts from the buzz of drinking, Seonghwa would be an idiot to not know what he was referring to.
"I'm not sure I've ever been good at hiding it," Seonghwa whispered back. The other alpha nosed at his shoulder, scenting him ever so lightly, carefully. "But you… Since when?"
Hongjoong finally straightened up, looking his companion in the eyes with that dazzling smile that made omegas swoon. "I've always thought you were beautiful, Hwa. And then you showed me right away that you're kind and intelligent and funny to boot. How could I not?"
"You idiot," Seonghwa laughed. "You stupid, stupid idiot."
"You're wonderful," Hongjoong muttered, letting his lips find the older man's once more.
Their studying was long forgotten in lieu of gentle touches and soft lips and the dwindling bottle of wine. Seonghwa couldn't remember the last time he had been that happy. They remained that way until they started to doze off, arms wrapped around each other loosely, bodies threatening to slump over onto the floor. Eventually Hongjoong called it a night.
"We should get some actual sleep before he hurt our backs or something," he chuckled softly. His expression was less guarded than usual, less even and hard to read. It was open and there for Seonghwa to see all of, and he saw that the younger alpha didn't want to leave just as much as he didn't. But he was, as per usual, right, and so they got up with heavy sighs and parted ways.
The next day was a little awkward as if they were both half expecting it all to have been a pleasant dream, but they gravitated towards each other and Seonghwa's inner wolf was content being close, happy to be within arms reach of the man he had been undoubtedly in love with for what felt like a lifetime. Still, it was a while before they actually talked about it, waiting for the rest of the world to fall asleep as they sat side by side in the living room, routine guiding them more than anything.
"I'm not saying this to dissuade anything that's happening, but you deserve to be warned," Hongjoong said softly, unease filling his scent. "My father's not going to like this."
"Is that going to cause problems for you?" Seonghwa questioned nervously.
"Nothing that I can't handle, but if he does anything to hurt you…" he trailed off with a sigh, a flare of anger flitting through his scent.
Seonghwa blushed at it, at the protectiveness that he had never had directed towards him, something instinctual and so very alpha. "I'm not worried about it," he told his friend truthfully. "I'm used to people treating me in odd ways or- or outright shaming me for how I act. I'm not a very good alpha. I know that."
It was an ever present aspect of his life, and yet they had never really talked about it before. It never came up because Hongjoong didn't perpetuate that norm, didn't make him even think about it. With the younger man he just was. He was Seonghwa, not an alpha, not anything else. Seonghwa. And he reveled in that fact, even moreso now that his feelings for the man were reciprocated.
"You're not a bad alpha-"
"I am," Seonghwa insisted with a sigh. "And, really, I don't want to be a good alpha. I don't even want to think about that stuff. I just want to be me and I want… I want to be with you."
Hongjoong leaned in to kiss him softly on the cheek. "Being together… That is the only thing I can ever promise you, so I'm glad it's what you want."
"More than anything."
The older alpha could feel the smile his friend wore as their lips came together, moving sweetly in tandem. Unlike the night before, things quickly shifted, desperation lacing through their scents as their kiss deepened and their bodies moved closer together until Hongjoong pulled Seonghwa into his lap entirely. The younger man's mouth trailed downward, kissing the corner of his mouth gently and then along his jaw and further still until he was mouthing and nipping at his scent gland. Seonghwa's mind was pleasantly fluffed up, breathy sighs leaving him.
The sweetness of arousal was filling the air and Seonghwa shivered at it, shivered at the way he could feel his friend's hardening cock pressing against his own through their layers of clothes. It was an addictive feeling, something new and exciting and precious. And it was weirdly calm to feel such things. Seonghwa didn't feel any nervousness about the taboo of it all, held no reservations at being intimate with anther alpha even if it was dangerous. They were safe in the home they had built together, safe in each other's arms, safe in the knowledge that they wouldn't hurt each other.
When Hongjoong reached between them and palmed at the older man's cock he sighed into the kiss they shared and rolled his hips, seeking out the pressure of his friend's hand and the relief it could bring. The younger alpha guided him onto his back and undressed him with delicate hands, hovering and tending to him like he was precious. He wrapped his hand firmly around Seonghwa and led him to release in the steady gentleness that was so very Hongjoong.
"You're so beautiful," the younger man whispered as he came down from his orgasm with small pants of breath.
"You're an idiot," Seonghwa replied, stuck in his ways and overwhelmed with emotion. Hongjoong laughed at this fondly, the sound cutting off when the older man switched their positions, intent on returning the favor and hearing the always composed alpha moan.
It was easy for them to be together. Really, not much had changed in a lot of ways. They gave each other space when it was needed, divvied up the chores as they always had, focused on their finals and their work and their hobbies. At night they ended up wrapped together in a cozy pile of limbs and shared breath, and during the day they showed their love with gentle touches and careful affection.
The hard part was when they left the safety of their home. They were careful not to scent each other too much, careful to keep their distance when they were outside and under the threat of prying eyes. They were still always together when they could be, regarded by others as close friends, and only friends. It was a necessary lie but it still stung. Seonghwa knew from the look on his face that Hongjoong shared that sentiment.
Still, things were easy and things were good. When Seonghwa begrudgingly neared his next rut, Hongjoong was mindful of his wishes and more than willing to give him space, ready to provide comfort as soon as it was over. It was still not something he could bring himself to show the younger man. He wouldn't know how to explain it, and the terrible thought of his secret pushing the man away was enough to instill a deep fear in him that he couldn't shake, so he avoided anything that could lead to that discussion. Hongjoong seemed concerned, noting that he smelled distressed once again, but he didn't push and Seonghwa was thankful.
In the coming months, it was clear that their feelings were growing steady and Seonghwa couldn't help but think that Hongjoong was inadvertently courting him. It wasn't a common custom these days, but there was a bit of a biological drive to do so, something that alpha instincts tended to push for. There was an innate need to show your partner than you could provide, to protect them and make them happy. Hongjoong was doing all of these things in small, innocent ways that Seonghwa found endearing, often wondering if the younger man recognized his actions for what they are. He didn't take them seriously, knowing that he more than likely didn't.
The most consistent of these behaviors was the stars. Seonghwa started noticing them tucked away in the corners of their apartment, colorful folded things that puffed up into adorable tiny stars. They were endlessly cute and every time Seonghwa found one and caught his boyfriend's eye, Hongjoong would shy away, averting his gaze, but he never stopped hiding them around the apartment and Seonghwa started to collect them in a little jar. He kept it on his nightstand so that it would be in his line of sight as he drifted off to sleep most nights, content and heart full.
When Hongjoong's own rut came a few months later, he offered Seonghwa the option to spend it with him. The older man was delighted to help him through it, to take care of him and be allowed into his space in such an intimate moment. There was only so much he could do, unable to give his body fully to help the man, but more than willing to use his hands and mouth to draw out the whimpery noises of pleasure of a rut-dazed alpha. He wanted nothing more than to take his boyfriend's knot, but he couldn't. His body wasn't made for such things, and he wasn't ready to even entertain the idea of what it would mean, of what something like that would cause.
Hongjoong was much less well behaved during it than he otherwise would be. Seonghwa left the experience covered in dark, claiming marks along his skin and bites that were just shy of drawing blood. He was exhausted in a pleasant way, a fulfilling way. He could only imagine how gratifying it must be to help your alpha through his rut as an omega, to take his knot and be pliant beneath him, agreeable and amenable and his. He learned during that rut that Hongjoong was, unsurprisingly, quite territorial and he laid claim on the man, ensuring everyone would know. It made Seonghwa beyond happy that his instincts would even allow for such a thing when he was sure his own alpha scent would have been irritating to the man. It meant that Hongjoong was in such strong disagreement on that front that his own desires outweighed his inner wolf.
Time went on and eventually they were nearing the end of their second year, approaching the last few months of their graduate programs. Seonghwa was already applying to continue on and specialize his studies further, aiming to get a doctorate in the field. Hongjoong was applying to teaching positions in nearby universities and community colleges. Things were going well, but the looming threat of change hovered over the horizon once more. Seonghwa didn't want things to change. He had found a little island full of perfect hope and happiness and he didn't want to leave. He didn't want to disrupt what they had built together. He didn't think he could handle it if the next steps in their lives caused them to part ways. It was hard enough pretending when they were able to return home and sleep in the same bed and be intimate and in love. If they had to pause their relationship to pursue their careers and their education, then Seonghwa wasn't sure if he could ever be okay.
The impending doom was making the older man clingier, desperate to hold onto what he could while they had time. Maybe that was why, when his body started to go through its usual discomforts, the tell-tale sign of his suppressants needing to be stopped, that he sat next to Hongjoong with a bright red blush and asked him to help him through his rut this time around.
"Of course," his boyfriend said, chuckling at the absurdity of Seonghwa even asking. "I'd want nothing more than to make sure you're comfortable and taken care of." There was something just a bit strained in his voice, and it was clear to Seonghwa in that moment that it had been hard on Hongjoong to keep him away last time. He must have sensed the unease and guilt in the older man's scent because he was quick to lighten the mood. "Besides, I'm certainly interested in finding out how much you'll beg for me," he said, voice low.
Seonghwa shivered at his words, his arousal spiking lightly in his scent. He took a deep, steadying breath. "Honestly, that's something I'm worried about," he giggled. "I don't want to sound too insane."
Hongjoong pulled him closer, brushing his lips along his neck gently. "Now, why would that be a bad thing? Don't you think being insane for me would make me feel good?" he chuckled. "I'm sure you know how much alpha instincts would revel in such a thing."
The older man swallowed uncomfortably, caught between arousal and unease. Truthfully, he didn't know about what alpha instincts were supposed to do, what was common for them. His inner wolf just seemed confused more often than not, unable to parse out what it needed to do but often knowing it needed to be doing something. His instincts were more than happy to let Hongjoong take the lead with no room for true territorialism or indignity. There was a muddled sense of weirdness that tingled in the back of his mind during such times, the remnants of what he assumed his alpha was supposed to be focused on, but his wolf was stunted and always had been, the things that were expected of him inaccessible.
Maybe that was why he hated being an alpha so much. Or maybe that was because he simply wasn't an alpha on a deeper level. Maybe that's where the discomfort came from, the longing to be able to nest and purr and be protected by his alpha, by Hongjoong who he loved so dearly, who his inner wolf regarded with reverence and respect. Regardless, talking about such things always left Seonghwa feeling out of his depth and exhausted trying to keep up appearances. He had never had to do such a thing with Hongjoong. This wasn't the sort of topic that they discussed. Hongjoong rarely talked about his subgender at all let alone Seonghwa's.
But Hongjoong was safe and never judged and seemed intent on prioritizing the older man's well being, so Seonghwa took a deep breath, nuzzling his nose into the crook of his boyfriend's neck, seeking comfort. "My instincts aren't really like that," he muttered.
The shorter man hummed a bit, thoughtful. "Really?"
"I'm not a good alpha, remember?" Seonghwa chuckled. "My inner wolf wasn't even sure what to do during my first rut. It's just as confused as I am."
Hongjoong's brows pinched together. "Is that why they're so hard on you?" he asked softly. Seonghwa shrugged, not ready to dive any deeper into the subject. "Well, I'm glad I'll be there then. My alpha will know what to do if nothing else," he assured like it was just that simple, like there was nothing at all wrong with the older man even though there clearly was.
They prepared simply, readying their store of snacks and water and making sure Seonghwa's room was clean and ready to be ruined with sweat and cum and possibly (but hopefully not) tears. It was another few days before the lack of suppressants in his system triggered the onset of his rut and he slipped into his daze gently. It was embarrassing, of course, but it started off better than usual, the comfort of his boyfriend's presence soothing his mind and helping him relax. At first he was content with just cuddling close and feeling protected and secure. But the arousal that was simmering in his gut became unbearable soon enough and he was forced to pull his pants off desperately, rutting against the bed with small whines.
Hongjoong helped him undress and was soon holding him close and stroking his cock in rhythmic, utilitarian motions. "Do you have any toys, Hwa?"
The older alpha shook his head, stifling his moans with his hand awkwardly. It's not like they had never been intimate before, but the vulnerability of a rut is something else entirely, and the embarrassment was present even though his mind mostly wasn't. All he could really think about was the desperation to cum, the feeling of his boyfriend's hand around him. He slowed down slightly as he sighed a bit, clearly in thought.
"So that's going to be a problem," Hongjoong muttered. "I don't want your knots to be uncomfortable."
"I usually just-just h-hold it," Seonghwa whined, writhing beneath him. The tight coil of pleasure was squirming around in his gut and he was desperately trying to ignore it while the younger man figured out his plan, not wanting to catch him off guard. "H-Hongjoong, please."
The younger alpha nodded resolutely and wrapped his other hand around the base of Seonghwa's cock, squeezing around the forming knot while the other continued to pump. He captured the older man's lips in a surprisingly gentle kiss as he found his release.
As soon as the clarity of his mind started to return with the comedown from his orgasm, Seonghwa started feeling horribly uncomfortable as he always did. He was hoping that his boyfriend would be a distraction from the visceral wrongness of it all, but the feeling of his knot, the pressure on his cock, was awful despite the residual pleasure it caused. He felt wetness well in his eyes and stubbornly turned his head away from his partner, hoping he wouldn't notice. But even if Hongjoong didn't see the tears, he was sure to smell the distress that was seeping into his scent, covering up the lingering arousal that filled the air.
Hongjoong's eyes widened and he used his free hand to coax the older man to look at him. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked gently, his voice just shy of shaking.
Seonghwa shook his head a little, crying hard. He wiped at his eyes and focused on calming himself but it was so hard when the feeling of his stupid alpha body was still there and taking all his attention. It felt so innately wrong, so incompatible with his mind. He felt so disconnected from his body at moments like these, so far away that it physically hurt, the pain tightening in his lungs until he couldn't breath. It just made him sob harder and Hongjoong held him through it, scenting him lightly, just being a much needed presence.
Seonghwa couldn't say it was an awful rut, especially by his standards. Hongjoong's presence was appreciated and the younger man seemed happy to ease the burden of his body's neediness. The longer he was there to help, the better he got at sensing the older alpha's needs and finding ways to alleviate some discomfort. He made sure Seonghwa ate and drank water and in the in between moments when he was almost lucid and not as distraught, he held him close and made sure to cheer him up.
When it was over, Seonghwa was exhausted. It felt like his very bones needed to sleep, weighed down with his sadness and his exertion. He was excited to shower it all away, to get to a place where he could start to pretend it had never happened, like he always did at the end of his ruts. His muscles relaxed, if only slightly, under the hot water, and he emerged from the bathroom feeling markedly better. That is, until he saw the look on Hongjoong's face.
His boyfriend was waiting for him in his room, head in his hands and body tense. He looked up as soon as he could smell the older man enter, eyes pleading. Seonghwa felt nothing but dread, but he continued to enter the room, approaching the bed cautiously. He sighed, sitting down on the edge, unable to look at him.
"Seonghwa, we really need to talk about this," he said as gently as he could. "Please."
"I don't want-"
"Please. Something is wrong, okay? I need to make sure you're alright. I want to help," Hongjoong groaned, pulling the older man into his arms once more. "I need to help."
Seonghwa wasn't sure how to broach the topic, just that he knew that he didn't want to. Hongjoong was stubborn in his selflessness however, a fact that he was well aware of by now. And to his credit, this was the first time the man had ever pushed on the issue, despite his obvious discomfort and worry. He let Seonghwa hide. He couldn't do that anymore, he knew, but it was so difficult to let go of all of the barriers he had erected over the years, all of the defense he built to stop anyone from knowing his deepest darkest secret. He loved Hongjoong, and if he didn't accept this part of him, he'd fall apart.
"I don't know how to tell you," the older man whispered, eyes set to the floor.
"Try." It was a command. Stern, alpha-like in sound. There were no commanding pheromones he could detect. He was still being given the choice. Part of him wished his boyfriend would be a little more cruel. It would be easier if his mind was malleable, if he was eased into the confession with the help of his pesky biology.
It just made it so much harder, another reason that Seonghwa couldn't risk losing someone he loved so much. Hongjoong was always so kind and patient with him. He helped him through the worst moments of his college career. He always knew what he needed, and he always worked to give that to him, even before they had become friends. He put so much care and effort into the relationship that had developed between them. Seonghwa had never been so loved.
"I'm s-scared you'll leave."
Hongjoong snorted a bit, the sound jarring in the serious air of the room. "There's not a single thing you could tell me that would make me want to do that, and even entertaining that idea is just silly."
"You say that, but you don't know-"
The younger man pulled away to look him in the eyes, frowning. "I've told you time and time again, Seonghwa. I love you. And that's not going to change."
The older alpha tilted his head, the confusion jarring him out of his careening anxiety and bitter emotions. He felt loved. He knew he was. But Hongjoong had never said it. It wasn't necessary, as far as he was concerned, given the way his boyfriend treated him, but he would have remembered if that were the case. It was the reason he had yet to admit the words to the man despite them ringing true in his heart for years at this point.
"What are you talking about?"
Hongjoong blinked at him, his expression shifting into one of horror. "Have you not been reading them?"
"Reading what?"
The younger man pulled away more, face flushed. "I'm not always good at- at saying these sorts of things. That's why I- the- the…" he pointed weakly at the nightstand, finger directed at the jar of colorful folded stars that brought Seonghwa so much joy. "You really haven't been reading them?"
"How was I supposed to know?" the older man squeaked, feeling guilty for causing such a freaked out expression on his boyfriend's face.
Hongjoong just ran his hand down his face with a sigh. He giggled sheepishly and grabbed the jar, shaking out a couple of the stars. "Here."
Seonghwa took one of the stars delicately and started to unravel it, cringing at the destruction of the cute little shape. He was left with a strip of paper, this one a pastel yellow, that read "You're cute when you're concentrating." He took a shaky breath and grabbed another one.
"Thank you for making dinner again."
"I'm so lucky to have you."
"You're such a good kisser."
There were easily over a hundred stars sitting in the jar. He pulled them out one by one, reading each message through the tears that clouded his vision. A lot of them were cute. Some of them were a bit explicit, making him blush and smack the younger man on the shoulder. A lot of them were specific enough that he could remember the day they must have been written. The majority of them simply said, "I love you."
"I don't- I don't know what to say," Seonghwa finally got out a few minutes after the last star had been unfolded, the colorful strip added to the pile surrounding him. Moments of tenderness archived in paper, left for him to find. Even the way Hongjoong gave love was unobtrusive, soft, always a choice. Seonghwa wasn't going to choose anything other than him.
The younger alpha ran his hand over Seonghwa's knee gently, a small awkward smile adorning his lips. "They're all true. You don't have to say anything. You just have to know that this is how I feel. You're the one that I found that I'm willing to fight for, Seonghwa. Anything that that entails will be more than worth it."
"These stars are so precious," Seonghwa whispered, cradling a few strips in his hands.
"The most important star is you," Hongjoong chuckled. "I'd be honored if you'd let me read that one," he added, tapping his finger to the older man's nose.
So Seonghwa unraveled, willingly, choosing to give himself over. Choosing Hongjoong. It wasn't a simple thing. It wasn't pretty either. He started crying, at first too hard to get any words out at all, clinging to the man. Eventually he managed, "I h-hate being an alpha."
"Yeah, that- that makes sense," Hongjoong sighed, fingers gentle across the older man's skin, soothing.
"I've always hated it. I- I've always wanted- t-to… I want to be an omega," Seonghwa sobbed, hiding his face in his boyfriend's chest, letting him wrap his arms around him in a cocoon of safety and warmth, spiced wine comfort.
Hongjoong let the man cry for some time and when the tears tapered off and the sobs turned into gentler sniffles, tired and weak, he coaxed Seonghwa to look at him. He caressed his cheek, soft and yet steady. "Do you want me to bitch you?" he asked simply, eyes searching for something in the older man's expression, face pained with an emotion that Seonghwa could not begin to describe other than sorrow.
"Yes."
Hongjoong let out a deep breath, pulling him in closer. "Okay."
Seonghwa's tears were reignited, sobs wracking through him almost violently. This time the crying was more relief than sadness, acceptance more than fear. And Hongjoong held him through it all, whispering to him about how much he loved him.
The logistics of being bitched were daunting, but simple all the same. Seonghwa was antsy, but waiting was the right move. The more they did to ensure it would work the first time, the easier the ordeal would be. So the discussed the upcoming event in hushed voices over the coming months, going over contingency plans, safety protocols, and offering assurance. Hongjoong seemed just as nervous as Seonghwa, but his will was steadfast, determination driving him forward. Before they knew it, Hongjoong was approaching his rut, and their plans would be set to action.
"Whatever you want and whatever you need I will give it to you. I'll find a way. I'd do anything for you, Seonghwa. Anything." Hongjoong said this all slowly, voice stern, emphatic.
The older man nodded, feeling shy under the intensity of his gaze. "I just want you to stay with me," he whispered.
"I can do that gladly."
"Promise?" Seonghwa asked, bottom lip trembling. He was terrified, if he was honest. This was going to be an awful process. Painful and dangerous and uncomfortable in too many ways to count. And it would probably be a lengthy process too. He didn't think he'd be able to go through with it if he didn't have his boyfriend by his side.
Hongjoong pressed his lips in a steady, deliberate kiss against the juncture between Seonghwa's neck and shoulder, right where his scent gland lay. "I promise," he whispered. "I'm not leaving unless you want me to. And even then I might selfishly put up a fight."
Seonghwa couldn't help but glance at the jar of stars on his nightstand. By now they had all been refolded into their adorable five-pointed puffs and more had since been added. Each one was a declaration of love and affection and devotion and it was abundantly clear that each one was intentional in design, just as intentional as the kiss his boyfriend just gave. The older man pulled Hongjoong against him tightly, trembling with nerves and with giddiness at the knowledge that he was wanted. The notoriously picky Kim Hongjoong had been courting him all along.
He pulled away and looked at his boyfriend with soft eyes. The younger man looked back with so much love it hurt, shared realization gathering in their expressions. He provided a small smile. "Whenever you're ready."
"I've been ready," Seonghwa whispered. "But I know that you know that."
Hongjoong chuckled and nodded. "You've never been hard to read, my beautiful star. I love you."
"I love you too, idiot."
Seonghwa undressed and laid back on the bed, nerves fluttering in his chest. Hongjoong followed suit, making sure everything they might need was close at hand. If the older man had his way, they'd have waited a little longer, just to make doubly sure that Hongjoong was far enough into his rut that he would knot properly. It was the one thing that the younger man refused, adamant that he was not going to risk being dazed for this.
"I need to be there. Fully there. I can't hurt you, Seonghwa," he had said over a dozen time in the lead-up, every time Seonghwa tried to fight him on this.
Still, worst case scenario, if he didn't knot, there would be a decently high chance that it would work. It wasn't fool-proof, but the chances of failure were low enough to put the older man at ease.
Seonghwa reached over and grabbed the lube, glancing away awkwardly. He had some experience with this, but never with the other man. He was already excited for when he'd be able to produce slick on his own and not need to rely on being prepped so thoroughly. He started to pour the lube over his fingers when Hongjoong reached out to stop him.
"Could I?" he asked with a grin. "I wanna make sure I know what I'm working with."
Seonghwa rolled his eyes a little and handed the lube over. Hongjoong slicked his fingers up and rubbed at the older man's entrance tentatively before dipping a finger inside. He worked it in slowly, rubbing along his walls, clearly experimenting if his intent stare at his boyfriend was any indication. After the second finger it started to feel good, the digits periodically pressing against Seonghwa's prostate as they moved to work him open. The older man let out a breathy sigh, eyes fluttering closed.
Hongjoong caught on quickly and soon he was paying attention to that spot almost exclusively, pressing into it with careful rhythmic motions until Seonghwa was moaning beneath him, shaking lightly.
"Th-that's not really necessary," he got out, breathless.
"Hmm, I think it would help if you were nice and relaxed," Hongjoong countered, slipping a third finger inside. Seonghwa gasped, the pleasure shooting through him in unrelenting waves. He shook with it, his mind dimming to the sensations, and soon he was finding his release with a shaky cry.
Hongjoong kissed him gently and pulled his fingers out. He smoothed up the older man's thighs, rubbing the flesh lightly, massaging any lingering tension out of his body. Then he stroked himself a few times, slicking up his cock in preparation. "Let me know if you need me to stop," he said softly. "And I mean it. I don't care what you want. If you need to stop, you need to tell me."
Seonghwa nodded, his eyes going wide as Hongjoong started to enter him, easing his length past his entrance with gentle swivels of his hips. "God, that- so-so b-big," he hissed. Hongjoong rubbed along his thighs again, forcing him to unclench his muscles. He bottomed out and stayed there, panting lightly, waiting for the older man to adjust to the intrusion.
Seonghwa let out a deep breath and nodded to his boyfriend, urging him to continue. It wasn't bad thus far. He felt like he was being stretched open more than his body could properly accommodate, but it didn't hurt yet. He didn't feel like he was being split in half. Hongjoong set a gentle pace at first, ever careful of the older man's reactions, quick to adjust when needed. It was soft and once it seemed that things were going well without any pain or discomfort, he captured Seonghwa's lips in a kiss.
It felt good. The pleasure rippled through him with each thrust. He was mildly oversensitive, but it was comfortable being in Hongjoong's arms, protected and warm. When the younger alpha started to pick up speed, grunting lightly with each movement, it started to feel even better, and Seonghwa was left a moaning mess.
"I- I'm definitely going to knot," Hongjoong reported, his face nuzzling into his boyfriend's scent gland. "I won't let it catch."
Seonghwa smacked him on the shoulder, a low growl building in his chest. Hongjoong jerked back to look at the man carefully, confused tension present in his expression. "The whole point of waiting for your rut was so you'd knot me."
"I don't want to hurt you," Hongjoong said sternly, eyebrows furrowing.
The older man sighed. "It-it's going to hurt," he conceded. "It's not going to be good, but- but there's no way it's worse than feeling so out of sorts all of the time," he whimpered, tears springing to his eyes. "Please, Hongjoong, I need this to work. I- I can't stand being like this anymore."
The younger man nodded solemnly and moved to scent him, lips and tongue frantic against the skin of his neck as his pace quickened. Seonghwa could feel the start of the knot, the swell of his boyfriend's cock stretching out his walls. He felt like he would break, like it might just kill him to be stretched that much. He couldn't imagine being in Hongjoong's shoes and willingly doing this to somebody, and it just made him love the man all the more, endlessly thankful for his willingness to work for his happiness. He was overwhelmed with emotion suddenly, his excitement and nervousness about being an omega mixed with his love and devotion for the man who was bitching him, who was willing to help him in a such an intimate way.
Seonghwa's mind was growing fuzzy from the scenting, distracting from the sting of the stretch, and he knew this must have been intentional from his thoughtful alpha. He loved Hongjoong so much.
As the younger man's knot was forming, struggling to get past his entrance more and more with each thrust, Seonghwa tilted his neck, offering access, his fingers carding in his boyfriend's hair, holding him there steady. He was thankful he was easy to read. He couldn't find words in that moment with the conflicting feelings of pleasure and pain and joy and fear. Hongjoong figured it out though. He always did.
He bit down right as his knot caught, locking them together. There was a rush of white hot ecstasy that flushed through Seonghwa, bringing him over the edge, spilling between them. He cried out, panting for breath as he came down. Hongjoong released his hold as gently as he could, careful swipes of his tongue cleaning the wound. The pleasure faded and with it came the pain no longer held at bay.
Seonghwa whimpered, pulling in deep breaths, trying to stay steady. It was a sharp sting as much as it was a deep ache, and all he could do was sit through it and wait. Hongjoong kissed him gently, thumbs brushing tears away in soft motions. "I love you," he whispered, cradling him close. "I love you so much."
"I love you too."
They talked while they waited for Hongjoong's knot to go down, giggling lightly at jokes and stories, a welcome distraction from the pain. Seonghwa could tell that the younger man's attention was wavering, his daze threatening to take over. It was clear that he was fighting it, prioritizing his mate over his own needs as alphas are want to do. He pulled out once he could and held Seonghwa's chin firmly in place with his finger before he could move.
"Don't look," he whispered, eyes just a little sad. "I'll clean you up, alright?"
Seonghwa nodded slowly, a shudder running through him. He slung an arm over his eyes and let his mate care for him with attentive touches, gentle movements and caresses. He shook from the residual pain, from the exhaustion of it all. As soon as Hongjoong deemed him to be in decent shape, checking his new mating mark as well and licking it clean once more, Seonghwa let his eyes close and drifted off.
He awoke some time later to the muffled sounds of his mate's whining pleasure, movements shaking the mattress next to him. He looked over to see Hongjoong rutting against the bed pitifully, frustrated moans and growls tumbling past his lips. His eyes were unfocused, lost in his daze, pupils blown. The smell of lust filled the air, covering up the lingering smell of distress that the older man hadn't even recognized had been there. He couldn't tell whose it was. It hurt to move, but Seonghwa pulled himself closer with a small hiss and wrapped his fingers around his mate's helping him keep rhythm, leading him to a release.
Hongjoong panted, his eyes focusing lightly as the orgasm hit him. He shuffled closer and wrapped his arms around Seonghwa, licking against his neck, and soon the older man drifted off again. This happened a few more times, and each time Seonghwa was less and less sore and more and more confused, his body running hot from the exertion it was undergoing. That was a good sign, as annoying a it was, that it was working. Hongjoong was struggling to find lucidity, spending every clear moment he had tending to his mate.
He refused to leave his side, sticking close and always touching, always holding. They had just mated and Seonghwa was hurt, Hongjoong's instincts on high alert from his rut. It made sense that he would be doting on the man to an extreme degree. The older man still found it sweet.
The next few days were lost in Seonghwa's memory, but when he came to again, Hongjoong was at the tail end of his rut, his eyes soft as he watched his mate with worry lacing his scent. "How are you feeling?" he asked.
"Not the best," Seonghwa said truthfully. "I feel very weak."
"I think that means we should get you something to eat."
"I'm not sure I'll be able to-" Seonghwa started to say.
"Try."
He did try, and he succeeded for about twenty minutes before it all came back up, his body shaking. Nausea gripped him like a vice. He was so tired. He could feel the stirrings of his body sorting itself out, his hormones flushing through him and leaving him confused and irritated and emotional, but he was too tired to work it all out in his head. He slept a lot and Hongjoong tended to him. He couldn't tell you how long that went on for.
By the time the pain had fully went away and Seonghwa's mind was clearing, he was so hungry it hurt. Hongjoong told him with a small sigh that he hadn't been able to keep much down in the last week.
Week.
Seonghwa nodded slowly. "I think I can eat more now," he chuckled.
Hongjoong wasted no time in getting him food. Seonghwa ate slowly and when he was sure it would stay in his stomach, he finally relaxed and took better inventory of his body. He felt empty. He felt alone and empty and scared. That's what his instincts were telling him at least. His instincts were never so clear before, never so exacting in their demands, so he followed them, intrigued and a bit concerned. He felt compelled to sort everything out around him, feeling almost itchy with the way things just weren't in the right place. Why weren't they in the right place?
He started pushing the blanket around, fluffing the pillows and reorganizing everything around him. It wasn't enough. "I need-"
Hongjoong bolted up before Seonghwa could even get the words out, before he could even process what he was going to say, and the older man watched him scurry from the room in confusion. He came back a few minutes later with his arms bundled high with blankets and pillows and clothes from his own room. He plopped them onto the bed in front of his mate as offering, eagerly watching for Seonghwa's reaction.
He nodded enthusiastically and got to work tucking the new fabric into place, moving things around, throwing things at Hongjoong's head who scented them without a word and handed them back, giggling lightly.
Seonghwa was nesting.
He sniffed the area lightly and then smiled. Things were feeling better. The smells were right. The bed was comfortable. He had a nest. He nested. Seonghwa felt a giggle bubble up out of him before he could stop it and then he was squirming around on the bed in joyful hysterics despite the residual fatigue he still felt deep in his bones. Hongjoong chuckled fondly and brought him to a still, dipping down to kiss him sweetly. "It's working, huh?"
Seonghwa nodded with a small smile and cuddled close to his mate, instincts craving his warmth and security. "I'm so sleepy," he muttered with a disgruntled sigh.
"Just rest then, my beautiful star."
The next time Seonghwa opened his eyes, he started to panic. He felt so hot and feverish and his first thoughts were that he had caught something or that his injuries were becoming infected, that he would die of necrosis and never be able to be an omega after all. He shuffled towards his mate with a small whimper and then stilled, eyes wide. Hongjoong stirred and looked at him carefully, concerned.
The movement had brought his attention to a sensation he wasn't expecting. He reached down between his legs and felt wet warmth, slippery under his fingers. He inspected it, seeing the shiny substance clinging to his digits, the smell undeniable.
"Oh," he muttered. "Oh, oh gosh."
Hongjoong tilted his head. "Slick?"
"Slick."
The younger man gave him a peck on the cheek, giggling. "It's really working now."
Seonghwa's instincts were starting to writhe in his gut, his inner wolf pacing impatient and eager and upset. He was so empty. He was so alone. His mate was right there and yet so far away and why was he just staring at him when he was empty? Did he not care? Did he not want Seonghwa to be full and knotted? Why wasn't he doing anything-
Hongjoong's eyes widened. "Hwa, you neglected to tell me that this was going to happen," he scolded lightly. He pressed the back of his hand to his mate's head with a sigh.
"What- what's going to happen?" the older man got out, confused and tired. His mind was starting to feel fluffed up, full of cotton. His thoughts were so far away.
"You're going into heat," Hongjoong said tensely, fingers threading through his mate's hair. "It's okay, though. I've got you."
Seonghwa shook his head a little. "That's not supposed to- to happen yet," he mumbled. "You must have bitched me too good."
Hongjoong burst out into laughter dragging him closer. "Hey, it's okay. Really, I'll make sure you're alright."
"Mmkay." Seonghwa's mind was leaving him quickly, replaced with only one coherent thought.
Knot.
The older man pressed up against the other with a small whine. Hongjoong sighed. "I'll keep you comfortable," he started to say, voice stern. "But I can't knot you yet. You're still recovering."
"Alpha," Seonghwa whimpered, indignant. "Knot."
"It's not a good idea, Hwa."
"Empty. I'm so empty, Alpha."
Seonghwa shuffled onto his front and raised his hips, whining pitifully. Hongjoong ran his palm over his ass gently. He dipped a finger carefully into his entrance and Seonghwa gasped, a small moan leaving him. The younger man hummed and rubbed at the entrance and then further in, fingers shifting ever now and again, assessing. "You do seem like you've healed decently well," he muttered to himself. "We'll take it slow, okay?"
"Alpha, p-please."
"Now, now, my Omega, listen to your Alpha," Hongjoong groaned. The amount of arousal in the air was thick, almost suffocating. The younger man scissored his fingers lightly and Seonghwa keened loudly, raising his hips higher, needy. "Hmm, I think- I think it should be okay," Hongjoong mumbled, pulling his fingers out and patting his hip affectionately.
Empty.
Seonghwa had just enough time to whine at the loss, the sound quickly morphing into a sharp moan as Hongjoong entered him. He let out a soft breath, his instincts calming down instantly. He was safe and warm and protected and oh so full. His mate was here, his alpha, and he was okay. He was so happy, his thoughts warbling between all of these things in a floaty mess of hormones and horniness. When Hongjoong started to move, careful and slow at first, it was like stars erupted behind Seonghwa's vision, white hot pleasure coursing through him and causing him to shake.
"You're so wet for me," Hongjoong cooed, nuzzling against his mate's back. "So eager to be full like a good omega."
Seonghwa clamped around his mate as his orgasm careened through him, spurred on by the words, by the unfamiliar but delicious feeling of being stretched around his mate's cock. He shook, moaning in earnest.
"Holy shit," Hongjoong huffed, amused. "I think we're going to have a fun time, Hwa."
It wasn't long before Hongjoong was finding his own release, his knot swelling and soon locking them in place, and Seonghwa came again, panting for breath. Every minute movement, every tug against his entrance, every spurt of residual cum that was filling him up, sent shivers down his spine. He felt boneless and fucked out.
His first ever knot was hell, but this second one? He had never imagined it would feel so good. Even in his wildest dreams he could never have guessed at all the subtle detail of it all, the mix of physical sensation and the way his instincts were soothed instantly by the stretch, the way he was hyper aware of his mate's scent flooding with arousal and contentment, despite the fuzziness of his thoughts still caught in the heat daze.
He was quite simply in heaven and that heaven continued, brainless and floaty, until he was so full of cum he felt bloated, his entrance pleasantly sore from the stretch of his mate's knots. Slowly but surely, his mind found him again, and he sat up with a pleased stretch, his spine cracking delightfully. He looked over to see Hongjoong blinking up at him, dark bags hanging under his eyes.
"Are you with me again?" he asked through a yawn.
"I'm with you," Seonghwa said softly. "Sorry I was gone for so long."
Hongjoong shook his head with a small chuckle. "It's fine, but I really missed you."
"That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be," Seonghwa mused.
His mate sat up and sighed a little, rubbing a the back of his neck. "Well, to be fair, you weren't really cognizant of all the blood and puke. That was a rough phase."
Seonghwa grimaced. "Sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry about, my beautiful star," Hongjoong muttered against his lips, pulling him closer. He tucked his face against his mate's neck and breathed in deep. "You smell different," he noted.
Seonghwa sniffed a bit, trying to distinguish his scent from the lingering smells of rut and heat and injury. It was sweet and fruity, but less natural now. The greener attributes were harder to detect, just there subtly in the background. "I smell like cotton candy," he muttered after a moment.
"Yes!" Hongjoong bolted upright, eyes wide with excitement. "I've been trying to figure it out for days now. You're so right." They looked at each other fondly for a moment, giggling softly in the growing calm that was settling in, overtaking the weeks of exhaustion and pain and strife. And then the tension of that stillness broke as tears sprung to the younger man's eyes. Hongjoong took a shuddery breath and pulled Seonghwa close again, clinging so tight it was hard to breathe. "Are you okay?" he asked, voice wavering with emotion.
"More than," Seonghwa got out through a sudden sob, overwhelmed as the gravity of it all came crashing down. It was so scary and confusing and awful in so many ways, but he came out the other side safe and sound, bundled in his mate's arms. They had really mated. He was claimed and the joy it brought was effervescent, light and airy in his lungs. He loved Hongjoong so much. And beyond that, he came out the other side as an omega. He could feel it deep in his being that there was a major shift in his body and his instincts. And for once he felt at ease with himself, even when he really thought about it. "Thank you," he whispered.
"I told you I'd do anything for you," Hongjoong laughed softly, wiping away his mate's tears. "I meant it."
"I'm sorry. It must have been so exhausting."
"It was fun once your heat hit," the alpha mused. "So, what was the deal with that, anyway?"
Seonghwa shrugged, brows furrowed in thought. "I'm really not sure. I would have expected it to take longer for my body to acclimate and for hormone production to regulate. I've never heard of it starting that soon after being bitched."
"I guess your inner wolf was just eager to be what it was meant to be."
"Idiot," Seonghwa said softly with an earnest kiss full of devotion. He pulled back with a sigh. "I'm starving."
"I'll go make us something," Hongjoong said quickly, starting to climb out of the nest. Seonghwa grabbed his wrist and shook his head adamantly.
"You've had a rough time too. Let's just order something."
The alpha cracked a smile. "You don't trust me to cook." It wasn't a question.
"No, I don't."
They burst out into laughter, sounds that followed them for the rest of the day as they regained their energy and started to fall into a new normal. Things were so radically different now that Seonghwa was an omega. They wouldn't have to hide their relationship, though a new stigma of the whole bitching part would be sure to cause issues. It was a decent trade off, they thought. They'd have to learn how to navigate heats and get proper nesting materials and Hongjoong would have to learn how to not get instantly sleepy at the soft sound of content purring.
Otherwise things were much the same. They finished out their schooling, got their masters degrees, and Seonghwa continued on to start work on his PHD. Hongjoong got a job teaching at the same college, ensuring they were still together. He couldn't very well leave his mate behind just for some job. They continued to live in sync, divvying up tasks and giving each other room when needed, though such things were fewer and farther in between since they mated.
And Seonghwa still found little pastel stars hidden in the corners of the apartment, tucked away in the houseplants' leaves or behind mugs in the cabinet, snuck in the omega's pockets when he wasn't looking. And Seonghwa got much better about reading them, unfurling them to reveal their secrets before carefully folding them back up into the perfect little stars they were.
"Your new hair color is perfect. Pink suits you."
"I forgive you for winning at Uno, even though it hurts."
"You are the best omega an alpha could ever ask for."
"You look so much happier now."
"I love you."