Chapter Text
This isn’t what your father would have wanted… The thought stayed in her mind as Elizabeth walked back toward the beach, following the same route that she had taken the very last time she laid eyes on him, as she escaped out of the carriage that would have taken her onto a ship back to England, to what her father at least believed would be safety. The statement was entirely correct, she knew, that the very events that led to her escaping were all the evidence she needed, as well as all that had occurred since. A life of freedom and adventure wasn’t worth the cost, the constant fear of death and destruction on the seas as well as an end at the hangman’s noose. The leather-bound pardon from the King that she carried with her still was all she needed.
There was only one thing left for Elizabeth Swann now.
It was time to go home.
Elizabeth laid on her bedroll below the decks of the Black Pearl later that night, the sounds of sleeping pirates not all that kept her awake but only added to the moonlight shining from above and the feeling of…ending in her heart. Once she had made her decision to leave the pirate life for good, everything felt finite, each second precious. In the morning she would leave, break the last true friendship she had for a more stable life. While the rest of the crew would understand why she was making this choice, Jack wouldn’t. She knew that in her bones, as well as her own heart and mind, he would only see her walking away from everything they had wanted, everything they had fought and nearly died for, but there was no turning back now.
She only hoped that one day he would understand.
Despite all her many partings and escapes, jumping from place to place, hellos and goodbyes coming in equal measure, this was one that Elizabeth felt hesitant about. This would be the last goodbye, if the Lord blessed her, and it would certainly be the hardest.
“The lads are getting restless, Lizzie.”
Elizabeth sighed as she turned away from the railing the next morning, from the bright sunshine and deep blue sea that had always been enough to calm her even on the worst of days, to turn toward Jack. To a lesser observer, someone who didn’t know him quite as well as she did, he would have looked as nonchalant as he forced his voice to sound, but she was certainly not a lesser observer. Jack was nervous and anxious about getting on with the rest of their journey together and finding their next great adventure. She just wished they could truly be together.
“Yes, I expect they are,” she finally said, nodding. It was time to start the last break. “Tell them that you can set sail the moment I’m away.”
Silence reigned as her words settled in, their meaning clear.
“Can’t go on without you, Lizzie. Thought you knew that,” Jack finally replied, giving her the look that spoke volumes about what she was trying to do and exactly how he felt about it. She could vividly imagine the language he was using in his head that hadn’t found a voice yet.
“I can’t go on to Florida with you, Jack. I have to go home.”
The war between saying exactly what was on his mind like she was a friend and treating her like a lady was still raging, the sarcasm that his words carried making that clearer all the time. “Pretty sure they’ll hang a lady pirate just as quick in London as they would in Port Royal.”
“I don’t expect you to understand why I have to do this, Jack,” Elizabeth replied, turning back toward the sea again to keep from losing what was left of her already fragile composure. It wouldn’t do to tell him that there wouldn’t be any hanging for her, either in Port Royal or London, all thanks to her late father. It would make the difficult conversation they were in likely worse like she was turning her back on everything they fought for for the idea of safety instead of freedom. What did that say about her? Did that make her a coward or braver than she knew? It was impossible to know until she left to find out.
“I don’t. What are you even going back for? What’s left there?”
“I owe it to my father to bury him properly,” Jack opens his mouth to interrupt but thinks better of it when he sees the look on Elizabeth’s face, deciding to tread lightly. The tears already forming in her eyes were as obvious to him as to her, judging by her now blurry vision. “...with my mother and brother. He would have wanted that. He wanted me to be…safe. To be away from this, as much as it was everything I ever wanted.” Elizabeth pauses for a moment, wiping away the tears before they could fall, needing to keep some of her dignity at the end of this. She had never cried so publicly, not even with the realization that she was truly alone, and she was not about to start now if she could help it. The time to let herself truly feel the loss would come later. “The woman who dreamt of being a pirate, who wanted to spend the rest of her life on the sea, is gone. I don’t know if she could ever return or when she disappeared, but she did. I did. I have to find something else.”
A long silence reigned, giving Elizabeth time to calm herself before she turned back toward Jack. In another time, another life, perhaps he would have found a way to get her to stay, but they both knew the inevitable.
“This is what you want?”
“It is.”
A nod and the smile she would remember for the rest of her life came across his face, sealing both of their fates. “Goodbye, Lizzie. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
“Goodbye, Jack. Find me and tell me all about it one day.”
***
The door closed softly behind Elizabeth as she let herself into the small room she had rented for herself just an hour before, securing the lock with a click. It was strange really, having a place that was, at least temporarily, entirely hers that was at least in what would be commonly considered civilization. Her life had changed so utterly that even Port Royal, with all its trappings and reminders of a past that would have otherwise made her run in the opposite direction, felt like a security blanket worth clinging to.
There was much she needed to do that day to secure what she at least hoped would be the rest of her future, a home back in England, back in the society she had shunned so utterly not too long ago, something akin to what her father had wanted for her. The life that she was born to, despite her desperate wanderlust.
She was Elizabeth Swann, daughter of Weatherby and Alice Swann, and now it was time to truly become her.
The process of becoming said lady again began as many of her days had before. Washing and addressing the blonde mane of hair on her head was already complete, the latter requiring the horsehair brush that had been thankfully stowed away among her personal items instead of sailing away toward distant shores. Those tasks had taken enough time that the sun moved from its place shining directly into her bedroom window to a position that spoke more of midday, but now came the task that had been one she would have preferred to avoid for the rest of her days. Memories of being tightly laced into rigid, boned stays, one pull of the strings enough to steal her breath for the entire day – as well as any memory of the first marriage proposal she had ever received, from a handsome, gallant Commodore no less – were on her mind as she picked up the offending undergarment.
“Now, we are going to have to find a sort of arrangement,” she said, entirely to herself as she moved aside the bright yellow gown she had picked for the day, one of the few that she found to fit her new, much slimmer shape, to uncover the corset. “You and I will be getting along now because I need to breathe.”
“Miss Swann,” a voice said from the other side of the door after a short knock. It reminded her so viscerally of time gone by that she could swear it was Estrella’s voice she heard and not that of a maid she had never met. “May I come in?”
“Yes, come in,” Elizabeth replied, setting down the cream-colored corset she had picked up only a moment before. A second passed before the door opened and the maid in question entered the room, looking not a day over sixteen, but surely with the quick hands and sharp wit that she had come to expect from women of her class, though perhaps Estrella was the exception rather than the rule.
“Good morning, Miss,” she said, dropping into a small curtsey as she approached, the door closing quietly behind her.
“Good morning,” Elizabeth replied, feeling her mind begin to wander as the maid began her work, brushing forward her long blonde hair to not interfere. It was nice to be treated as simply a lady instead of someone who was as infamous as her reputation surely was now, after spending nearly two years – could it have possibly been that long? – galivanting after pirates instead of settling down with a husband and children as expected of her. Memories of years of mornings where she was in this exact position, talking incessantly about the book she had finished the night before or the gossip about other ladies and gentlemen found in one compromising position or another which her father would have been appalled to know she had heard about came to mind, allowing Elizabeth to slip back into memory…
“Did you hear from the other maids that Lady Cavendish is to be married by the end of the week?”
Estrella nodded and tried to keep the smile off her face, though failing spectacularly. “Yes, and I suppose you heard the happy news the same way? You should know better than to eavesdrop, Miss Swann. It’s unbecoming.”
Elizabeth rolled her eyes, taking one last deep breath before feeling the constriction of the corset beginning to be tightened, each pull of the strings leaving her wishing that she could throw the offending garment out the window. “Is it truly eavesdropping if one hears it being said in plain view of the entire house? The maids were in the foyer when I heard.”
“I will speak to Mrs. Hurst about that this evening. Gossiping in the hall like they would in a common house,” Estrella replied with a shake of her head, carefully tucking the spare strings before reaching for the pockets for Elizabeth to fasten around her waist. “Imagine if your father would have heard, though I doubt he will particularly appreciate you hearing of such things.”
“Oh, don’t tell Mrs. Hurst. If it were up to you and Father, I wouldn’t know anything other than scripture and the most mundane of gossip. I’m nearly eighteen years old, I’m quite old enough to understand exactly why Lady Cavendish must get married so soon,” she replied, raising an eyebrow and trying to tease Estrella out of her disapproval and back into a smile.
With a sigh and a nod, Estrella agreed. “Alright, I won’t say anything about the gossiping, only the location. It is still inappropriate for such talk where anyone can hear.”
“Alright, I suppose it is.”
A comfortable silence fell between the two women as they finished dressing, a beautiful blue silk gown covering the layers of undergarments, matching shoes, and a hat completing the task. As close to the height of fashion as a colonial governor’s daughter could be given the distance from London, it was all meant for a single purpose. To catch the discerning eye of only the most eligible of bachelors and achieve what was meant to be her only goal in life.
Marriage. Children. Living under the thumb of a man who would never truly give her anything she wanted.
Almost as if Estrella had plucked the thoughts straight from her head, she teased Elizabeth as she tidied up the rest of the room, her primary task for the moment complete. “It was quite nice to see Captain Norrington last night, wasn’t it Elizabeth?”
Elizabeth sighed as she sat gently on the stool placed just in front of her mirror, looking at herself and her resigned face. There was no question where that train of thought would lead, especially since all she had been thinking about since the previous evening was said Captain. It felt like a betrayal to a certain blacksmith with dark eyes and a smile that made her weak at the knees to think well of him, even though James Norrington was exactly the man she should want. However, the thought of marrying him made her feel as if her corset were being laced slowly tighter, squeezing the life out of her bit by bit.
“Elizabeth?”
Shaking herself out of her thoughts, Elizabeth nodded and turned back to her maid and, though she could never admit it, her closest friend. “It was, yes. He’s been away far too long,” she said, keeping the rather ungrateful thought of not quite long enough from following. She wanted James to be home and safe, he was a truly good man and a friend, as much as two unmarried people of their station could be friends. But it seemed that the old saying that absence made the heart grow fonder was at least partially true, but it wasn’t Elizabeth’s heart that was made to miss him too terribly. If the previous evening was any indication, she would soon be gently pushed in James’ direction as the only true choice for a husband. Perhaps if he had been away just a little longer, Elizabeth would have had more time to formulate her escape, and find a way to help her father accept that the life of a lady wasn’t what she wanted.
As if her mind spoke the idea into existence, the voice of her father calling up the stairs set Elizabeth to action. Now, it seemed her time was on its way to running out.
“Miss,” the voice of the young maid said, bringing Elizabeth back to the present. Oh what a selfish, self-centered, unhappy woman she had been then, thinking only of herself and what she wanted, damn the cost to anyone else that she loved and cared for. Time, and its inevitable lessons, taught her far too much about what such behavior would come to, but there was still time left – perhaps days, though she hoped years – left to make amends and find a way to be happy. To make amends for the decisions she had made to those she cared for.
“Miss? Is there anything else you need assistance with?”
Elizabeth turned back with what she could feel was a far more sheepish smile than what would be appropriate, but formed nonetheless. It seemed coming home not only brought back a well of memory, but made her feel far younger than she ever remembered being before. “No, thank you.”
A curtsey and a strange look were all that came before the closing of the door, leaving Elizabeth alone with her thoughts yet again.
***
When Elizabeth stepped into the tavern less than an hour later, the midday sun now burning through the parasol she used to protect herself, the sudden dark from the curtained windows and lack of warmth was a welcome surprise. Closing her parasol, Elizabeth ignored the looks she received from the few patrons who were enjoying the cool and quiet and were surely wondering why a lady such as herself would step foot in a place like this, especially when she could be enjoying tea and biscuits somewhere more…appropriate for a woman of her station. She approached the bar and smiled at Estrella, both women enjoying the private joke at the expense of everyone else, Elizabeth Swann was certainly not the proper lady she appeared to be.
“Would you like a cup of tea, Miss,” Estrella asked, winking when she motioned to the bottle of rum just underneath the bar. “Or perhaps were you looking for a direction?”
“Some tea would be lovely, please,” she replied, taking a seat despite the looks she was still receiving. “The heat is truly dreadful today, isn’t it?”
“Yes, Miss. Quite a day out there.”
The tea soon arrived, laced with a fair amount of rum after taking a small sip, and Elizabeth felt herself relax as much as she was able in present company. No matter where she was in the world, what sort of appearance she was putting out into the world, she was in the company of friends. They both stayed in companionable silence for a time, watching the other patrons come and go until the tavern was still and silent, Elizabeth the only one left to serve.
“You never said what you were meant to be doing today,” Estrella finally asked as she poured Elizabeth another cup of tea, this time with a small cake she had made the evening previous.
“The new governor and his wife are arriving in Port Royal within the fortnight, which means I need to supervise the rest of the packing and shipping of my father’s possessions back to London. As I’m sure you understand, I am not entirely looking forward to the process,” Elizabeth said, delicately taking a sip of her tea to cover up the wave of pain the words caused.
Estrella nodded, understanding precisely what Elizabeth was and wasn’t saying. She responded not with words, but with a small tip of the rum bottle into her cup of tea.
“Once everything is packed and sent back to London, he’s truly gone. Port Royal isn’t home anymore,” she finally said, letting out a sigh and closing her eyes. She knew it wasn’t quite true, Port Royal was where their lives started over again, where she had met and fallen in love with Will, had known James and had the opportunity for the life she could have had. The absence of her father, of the one true anchor she had left in her life, made this place that had felt like paradise after the cold and noise of London where her mother and brother were in their eternal rest. Where what she could leave of her father would soon join them.
“Is London no longer home without your mother and brother?”
Elizabeth thought for a few long moments before shaking her head and finishing her tea. “No, but…I was so young when we left. I didn’t think I would ever want to leave Port Royal after they died, England seemed so alien without them.”
“And now? What’s changed?”
“England still seems alien, but at least…there, I’ll be able to live the life I was born to lead. The one my father would have wanted for me.”
Estrella sighed, putting down the glass she had been washing, coming over to sit beside Elizabeth to look her in the eye. “Tell me now, as a friend. What is it that you want?”
“I don’t want to be lost anymore. Afraid. Alone,” she said, standing to pace the still-empty tavern. “I can’t remember the last time I knew who I was and what I wanted… but there’s one thing I know I can do. One thing I know how to do. Start again.”