Chapter Text
“And she rammed the car into the fucking living room.”
“That’s… fucked, Carmy…”
“It was probably the worst evening of my life. I mean… I had worst at work, but having this chaotic Christmas with my family, dealing with shit at work… I think it is the moment I started to fucking spiral into hatred and anxiety and… fuck.”
“I’m kind of glad I don’t have this big family thing…”
“I was always an outcast. Struggled a lot. Felt alienated from my family. They saw me as this obnoxious asshole…”
“Which you can be…”
Carmy bit her naked breast before settling back into Sydney’s arms.
“I’m sorry they made you feel like shit… I… I don’t want to bring back the conversation on me, but my dad has this weird fixation that I am some sort of loser because I am working and not getting paid. He thinks that I am dumb for believing in The Bear. Even if it’s going super well…”
“Do you think it comes with the job?”
“I don’t know… probably. I sometimes think that you are the only one able to understand me…” she whispered, kissing his hair.
Carmy said nothing, nodding softly, as he closed his eyes, breathing her in. Sydney was his solace, yet now he felt the pressure of years of anxiety and inadequacy. Especially now that he was in a healthy relationship, with someone that had nothing to do with his past and wasn’t fazed by it.
Her ‘love you’ were effortless, rolling off her tongue like ambrosia, making him deliriously happy. And even though he loved Sydney more than he ever loved anyone, it was hard for him to vocalize his love and needs. Thankfully, she read through him like a book, and understood that when he smiled at her during service, how he would sometimes settle his hand on the small of her back, or how he always cooked her favorite dishes and snacks, meant “I love you”.
He kissed her one more time and left the bed, as the sun was starting to rise and began making breakfast. He whisked the eggs while walking in the corridor and stopped there, feeling breathless. Touches of color had begun to spread in his flat. Paintings, photographs of dishes, cities they both had visited, splashes of colors everywhere. And on his fridge, pictures of them, laughing, kissing, in front of their restaurant.
Their restaurant.
He switched off the stove and came back to his bedroom, where a picture of them, in New York, was sitting on his bedside table. Syd was dressed, making the bed when he came in, hands on his hips.
“I need a new flat.”
“Okay? At 5 am? Maybe let’s eat breakfast first?” she smiled.
“No, no. I need a bigger flat. With several bedrooms. I need it. For us.”
“For us?”
“Yes. We have a restaurant together and you basically already live here, and I think we need more space so you can express yourself, and… and…”
“Carmen. You can have a house if you want to. And if you’re asking me to move in with you, then yes. I love you, Bear.”
They still kept their relationship under wrap at work, Tina being the only one aware after she saw them at the Farmer’s Market kissing and walking hand in hand. She kept secret but gushed in private to Carmy how happy she was that he finally let something good happen to him.
And at that moment, hearing the words, Carmy had realized that having Sydney in his life, in his daily routine didn’t fuck up his life, like when he had been dating Claire. Sydney allowed him to stay focused on his work, to not mess up anything. He couldn’t believe how finally he had the perfect balance between his work and his private life.
That night, he made love to Sydney all night long, before whispering how much he loved her when she fell asleep.
Work was hectic. Sydney was out there in the dining room, receiving some compliments when he saw her. He cursed loudly as his mind went blank, unable to understand anything. He took some steps back, Tina looking at him with worry. He opened his jacket, unable to breathe as he saw his mother approach Sydney and talk to her. Carmy was torn between wanting to protect the love of his life and crumbling down under the weight of his trauma.
“Oh, you’re Carmy’s mother? Wow, I’m… I’m Sydney, the CDC. Thanks for coming…”
Sydney looked behind her and saw Carmy hyperventilating, his blue eyes focused on her. She rubbed her chest and he nodded, before going back to work, still twitching, and blinking rapidly.
“Carmy is busy right now, but I think that he can see you after. Natalie as well…” smiled nervously Sydney, looking back at Donna.
“How much you have left?”
“Uhm, sorry? Left for what?”
“You don’t seem far along… I don’t think he’ll make you work until the ninth month.”
“Oh! I’m not pregnant…”
“You are, love.”
Sydney looked at Carmy’s mother and nodded in disbelief as she realized that her body had been acting weird recently, but she had forgotten about it, work being more important. She jumped as she heard Carmy scream at Marcus. She excused herself quickly and went back into the kitchen.
“You don’t fucking deserve me!” screamed Carmy. “Look at these fucking dishes, they are fucking beautiful, and you are all destroying my fucking work!”
Sydney looked at him having a nervous breakdown, trying to find the best way to make him cool down.
“Chef! You need to get the fuck out of my kitchen!” she screamed at him, checking the plates ready to go.
“Fuck you, chef!”
And he threw a plate in between them, making her jump.
And she saw the realization hit him.
“Richie. I need you to hold down the fort with Tina while I speak to the Chef,” she breathed out, grabbing Carmy by the arm.
Once outside, Carmy crumbled on the floor and started to hit his head with his hands, tears rolling down his cheeks. She hugged him softly as he buried his head against her stomach, holding her like a lifeline.
“That was fucked up, Carmen. You can’t let her win. You aren’t your mother. You aren’t your brother. Fuck… I love you, but that shit was scary.”
“I’m so fucking sorry, I fuck up everything…”
“You are not your traumas, love. You are so fucking more. You’re Carmen fucking Berzatto. You retained a Michelin star. You built this from nothing… You are so loving and sweet and God, I love you so fucking much. But right now, I need you to be fucking strong, okay? I need you to be strong because I don’t think I can’t do this without you…”
Carmy kept silent on the way back home, as Syd made him hot chocolate, kissing his hair softly.
“What if I’m my mother’s child?” he asked softly, looking at her with wet eyes.
“God, I hope not. She told me that I was pregnant so, yeah… I kind of want to raise children in a stable home.”
“Fuck… Do you think she’s right?”
“I don’t know… Would it bother you?”
“No…” whispered Carmy, grabbing her by the waist. “Fuck no… Should we do tests?”
“Bring me ice cream too.”
Donna opened the door and Sydney almost ran away.
“Hey. I don’t know if you remember me but-“
“You work for my son.”
“Partner. We are partners. But yeah, we met at the restaurant a few months ago…”
“Told you. How far along?”
“5 months…”
“Well… Fucking congrats, I suppose. Can I help you with something?”
“I’m with Carmen. I mean, we are together. Like really together.”
Donna screamed and grabbed Sydney, taking her inside the house.
“What do you mean you went to see my mother?”
Carmy stopped working on their kitchen wall and looked at her. As soon as they learned about the pregnancy, Carmy bought an old house in the suburbs and had been working on it since then. He wanted everything to be perfect, especially the kitchen.
“Did she hurt you?”
“No, she was happy, actually. Asked a lot of questions. Gave me a lot of pictures of you when you were a kid. Wondered if she could meet the baby once born.”
“Absolutely no fucking way. She fucked up my life, she is not going to be near my child.”
“But she’s your mother and-“
“I said no. You should go back home. I’m going to work here all night,” said Carmy, focusing back on the wall.
Sydney moved towards him and hugged him from behind, struggling with her belly. She kissed his shoulder as he sagged a bit, the tension leaving his body. He turned in her arms, and kissed her, enjoying her warmth and swallowing all of her sighs of pleasure.
“Did you see the nursery?”
“No…” replied Carmy, kissing her neck.
“We worked on it with Richie today while you were at work. I’ve got to show you something.”
She grabbed his hand and took him upstairs, where most of the work was already done. He smiled at Sydney’s excitement, as she stopped in front of the room which had a bear drawn on it. He kissed her one more time and gasped. He laughed nervously, tears threatening to spill as he took in the room. The room was painted in different shades of brown, with tiny bears drawn. Everything was ready to welcome their child.
“You should open the gift.”
Carmy entered the room and opened the box on the dresser. He took out a white tee shirt, embroidered with a bear on his heart’s area and on top, also embroidered, “Carmy” and underneath “dad”. The second tee shirt was also white and also embroidered.
Carmy let out a sob at the sight.
“I thought it would be a good name…”
“I love you so fucking much, Sydney. Let’s get married. Fuck I want the world to know how much I fucking love you.”
“And no ring? Jeez Carmy…”
He laughed and kissed her passionately, still holding the tee shirt that said “Michael” in dark letters, and underneath “son”.
Carmy looked at his mother’s house and heavily breathed in. He desperately wanted a cigarette, but he had been cutting it down for a few months. He readjusted his jacket and rang the bell.
She opened the door and gasped at his sight.
“Hi, mom. This is my son, Michael… I thought it was time you met your grandchild…” said Carmy, looking at his son, strapped against his chest.