Chapter Text
It was a calm Sunday evening. It was raining outside. The pitter-patter made Jungkook's brain feel a little fuzzy, combined with Seokjin's eyes when they met his, gazing up at Jungkook like he was drunk, glossy and unfocused. Or maybe that was just the shaky feeling in Jungkook's bones.
He was feeling off this evening, he was feeling weird. It was one of those nights, where the past and the present didn't want to stay all that seperate. Where he could faintly hear a breath in his ear and the ghost of a touch on his skin, squeezing, scratching. Not letting Jungkook breathe.
“Are you in the mood?“ Seokjin asked with a sweet voice that didn't match the hot feeling it left on Jungkook's skin. He sounded all tired. Comfy. Jungkook loved that voice normally. But now, because of the words said in this voice, he felt his whole body tensing.
Whenever he felt like this, he would usually try to play it off. When he felt floaty and fuzzy and was all wrapped up in this shaky nervousness he just couldn't get rid of. Nothing matched. He had absolutely zero desire for Seokjin to touch him, when he knew he should. Goddamn, what is wrong with me? Jungkook's mind that was racing and empty at the same time didn't match the heat radiating off Seokjin's body when he shuffled closer, hand floating over to tuck a strand of hair behind Jungkook's ear.
“Jungkook-ah.“ He called softly. The sound didn't arrive in Jungkook's ears sounding normal, it sounded like it was stuffed full of cotton, packed in styrofoam, wrapped in thin parchment.
Jungkook knew his appearance didn't match how he was feeling. He had been told time and time again, “I can never tell if you're here or not.“. His expression would look completely calm, even if he was shaking on the inside. Sometimes even as he was already shaking on the outside, he would still look like this. Laid back. Serene. Calm. It couldn't be further from the truth. Anxiety was slowly crawling up his back, sinking it's venomous teeth into Jungkook's neck.
“Hm? Jungkookie?“
“I don't know.“ Jungkook breathed, trying to keep his tone neutral. He couldn't focus on anything. It felt like his brain was bouncing around his head like a screensaver.
Normally, he'd just change the topic - work, news, the fucking weather if he had to come up with something on the spot. Anything to distract Seokjin from the way his lips were taking on a quiver and his voice was starting to shake.
But he was in too deep already. He could barely bring himself to give Seokjin answers to his questions, let alone start a new conversation with a topic of his own chosing. His brain was mush and he felt like he was floating.
“It will be fun.“ Seokjin smiled, tips of his fingers running up and down Jungkook's arm. Up, and down. Up, and down. Goose bumps rose on Jungkook's skin.
“I need to get up early tomorrow.“ Jungkook said weakly. He felt like his throat was closing up.
“I won't take that long, I promise.“ Seokjin leaned in with his forehead touching Jungkook's temple, kissing down his jaw, nose pressing against his cheek. Too close. Jungkook felt crowded. The anxiety rose sharply, leaving a prickly feeling on Jungkook's skin. His hands were starting to go numb. He could feel his heart speed up.
“I don't-“ Jungkook's voice broke, and he gulped down a mouthfull of air.
“Hm? What is it?“ Seokjin moved back a little bit. He looked all concerned now. The panic rising in Jungkook's throat must finally be breaking through his porcelain face.
“I can't-“ Jungkook whimpered quietly. A few drops fell down, wetting Jungkook's shirt with a sound as if water was falling onto an umbrella. He couldn't tell if that sound came from him, or if the tears had just matched up with the rain falling outside, hitting their window. Jungkook hadn't even realised he'd started crying.
In front of Jungkook's eyes, a film started to play out and covered his entire field of vision. A bright light was moving up and down, up and down. He heard a creaking sound in his ears. He felt a weight on his chest and stomach. Felt his own nails digging into his palms, even though he knew his palms were pressed flat against the bedsheet. He gasped for breath.
“Jungkook- Jungkook. Hey. Sweetheart. Look at me.“
Jungkook heard it as if Seokjin was on the other end of a long corridor. He couldn't see him. All he could see was that light, still rhythmically moving back and forth. His eyes stung and his face felt cold. He gasped at the feeling of two imaginary hands gripping the backs of his thighs.
“Everything's fine. You're safe. I'm here.“
Seokjin reached out and squeezed both of Jungkook's hands in his own. His knees touched the side of Jungkook's leg. The stinging sensation in his palms became less strong. He could hear Seokjin's voice more clearly now as he intertwined their fingers.
“I'm here, Love, it's okay. I'm with you.“ He squeezed Jungkook's hands again. Jungkook tried squeezing back, but his fingers just twitched slightly in Seokjin's hold. His hands felt numb, as did the rest of his body. He barely felt anything apart from the ghost-touch sensations seeping in through the horror film playing out in his head.
The picture in front of Jungkook's eyes shifted, as if he had moved his head. Then he felt a sharp pain on his cheek and the picture turned back to where it was before. Jungkook flinched with his whole body. Seokjin's hands moved from Jungkook's hands to his upper arms. Jungkook heard his own voice crying 'Please, no' and 'It hurts', which wasn't part of the film, very quietly. Everything was really quiet by now. Mostly static with Seokjin's voice and his own gasps and cries in the background.
“No, Baby, it's alright. No one's hurting you. I'm here.“
Jungkook felt his own jaw fall open. He felt a sensation like a punch to the gut, knocking the air out of him with a choaked groan. When he blinked hard a few times, Seokjin snapped back into picture, blurry through his teary eyes. Even like that, he could see that Seokjin looked terrified. All wide eyes and pale face.
“Are you there? Jungkookie? Can you see me again?“
Jungkook managed a nod. He registered that he was shaking very hard.
“Oh, thank god.“ Seokjin said, head dropping forward onto Jungkook's shoulder and arms wrapping around him, hugging him tight. He sniffled into his t-shirt.
“Fuck.“ Jungkook finally croaked out when he felt he had his voice back. He was still blinking against the tears that kept rolling down his face.
“Yeah.“ Seokjin chuckled. Jungkook felt that he was crying into his chest. “Fuck.“ Seokjin parroted.
-
“I'm sorry.“
“Hyung, you had no idea-“
“I am so very sorry-“
“You didn't know-“
“I didn't mean to-“
“I know.“ Jungkook said firmly.
Seokjin and Jungkook stared at each other over their kitchen table. Seokjin had decided they should have a cup of tea, so both of them could calm down. Jungkook hadn't taken a single sip of his. He felt like, if he ingested anything right now, it would instantly turn his stomach.
“Should I start asking before I touch you?“ Seokjin said, eyes looking concerned. God, Jungkook hated that look.
Jungkook grit his teeth. “Please don't start treating me like I'm fragile.“
“You're not.“ Seokjin said, somehow looking empathetic and stern at the same time. “And you wouldn't be even if you needed a warning before I start kissing you-“
“It's fine.“
“Or move too close-“
“I said it's fine.“ Jungkook snapped. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes.
“Crybaby.“, he heard ring in his ears.
In all honestly, Jungkook was extremely embarrassed.
It had been getting worse lately. He had been flinching more when a door was slammed shut by the wind. Or when he turned on the tv and it was set too loud and startled him so bad he dropped the remote. Or when anyone other than Seokjin touched him out of nowhere. Or when the bathroom door creaked and he froze up.
His vision went white the other day when Seokjin tried throwing him his keys as he was running late for work.
He started missing his bus stop on the way home, or forgetting things that should be impossible to forget, like a coat when it was raining outside, or his bag that had absolutely everything in it from his wallet to his train ticket to the key to his bike lock. He'd walk into a room only to have forgotten what he came there for, so he had to go back to the previous room to remember. Repeat that 5 times.
He forgot his friend's birthday, which had never happened to him before. He never knew what day of the week it was. He couldn't remember whether he had really sent that email or only thought about doing it. Once he got home from the shops and had picked up some vinegar instead of the bathroom cleaner he originally went out for, because the bottle looked similar.
And he was irritable. He would snap at his co-workers over minor things. He was bothered by the cold way more than he usually was this time of year. Once he cried because they didn't have any milk for his cereal left. Seokjin hugged him and bought him ice cream, but he felt like an idiot and an embarrassment.
Freak, Jungkook mentally hissed at himself. There's something seriously wrong with you. What the fuck is your problem?
As if he didn't know what was. As if the nightmares he'd been having recently that seemed to occur even when he was awake didn't tell him in crystal clear detail exactly what was wrong with him.
As if he hadn't noticed how nervous and on edge he was all the time.
As if he didn't know it was His ghost haunting him.
And as if Seokjin wasn't noticing, too.
“I want to-“ Seokjin started, hand reaching out to touch Jungkook's shoulder, but then seemingly changing his mind, freezing in the middle of the motion, then pulling his hand back. Grimacing, fumbling around, not knowing what to do. “I just want to support you.“ He let out a sigh, eyeing Jungkook, his face reading concern.
“Please don't start being afraid of touching me.“ Jungkook said, hands reaching out to hold Seokjin's. Seokjin gave a reaffirming squeeze.
“I want you to decide.“ Seokjin said “I want you to tell me when you need support, and when you need me to back off.“
“I will.“ Jungkook said, mentally adding 'try to'.
“...You should start seeing a therapist again.“ Seokjin said, like it had been something he'd been thinking about for a little while.
Jungkook shakily breathed out through his mouth, closing his eyes “You are probably right, I know... It's just-“
“It's scary.“ Seokkjin finished.
“You have no idea how much.“ Jungkook whispered.
“I can go with you.“ Seokjin reassured “I can be with you for your first appointment. Would you like that?“
“Please.“ Jungkook said in a watery voice “I need you.“ He squeezed Seokjin's hands again. Seokjin leaned over their table to kiss his forehead.
“It's gonna be alright.“ Seokjin said softly. “Let's go back to bed. We can start calling around tomorrow.“
Jungkook nodded his agreement.