Chapter Text
October 1992
Didn't go to school today. Couldn't. The funeral was today. She's really gone now and it's all my fault. Those wishes aren't really supposed to come true. Why'd I wish that? I didn't mean it. I just want her to come back. She didn't have to go. I love her. She's my sister.
Come back. I didn't mean it.
November 1992
I think I failed an algebra test today. M&D will probably be angry, but I really just don't know what happened. Maybe just everything going on. Maybe I didn't study. Maybe I don't care.
******
Thanksgiving. Usually it's a lot of fun, but this year everyone keeps asking about my sister. Thanks, but what about me? I'm still here. Doesn't anyone care about me? That it's all my fault? That I'm a horrible person and should be punished? Maybe that's what this is. I'm being punished by being ignored when I need someone to talk to.
******
Guess I'll just have to talk to you. I know you're not here anymore, but no one else will talk to me. I miss you, sis. Wish you were here.
December 1992
It's Christmas, but you couldn't tell by looking at our house. We're supposed to be happy right? Celebrating the joy of Christmas. Sure. Mom and Dad won't hardly talk to me - not that I want them to - and the tree isn't even up. I was going to put it up myself, but I can't get the box out of the attic.
I don't think I want Christmas this year. I know I won't get what I want... my sister back.
January 1993
Not a happy New Year at all. M&D spent all day staring at photos of you and crying.
That doesn't bother me, what bothers me is them shutting me out. I sat in the living room, on the floor, with a book for more than an hour and they never acknowledged I was even there.
I'm so lonely.
February 1993
There's a dance at school that I want to go to, but I don't know if M&D will let me. I could ask, but with as much attention as they actually pay me lately, they wouldn't even notice that I've asked.
******
So, I asked. Guess what? I can't go. Should have known. When they *do* pay attention, they do what they can to make sure I can't do anything.
I really want to go. Tommy Grayson - who's grown up a little since fiifth grade - wanted to dance with me. No one's ever wanted to dance with me before. Fortunately, I didn't get his hopes up. I told him that my parents probably wouldn't let me go, but I'd ask. This sucks.
******
Tommy sat with me at lunch today and asked about the dance. I told him the truth - that my parents are super strict and hardly let me out of their sight. He seemed okay with that and asked if he could sit with me tomorrow.
March 1993
Well, that lasted a long time. Tommy doesn't sit with me anymore. He's sitting with Becky, who just moved here from Vermont.
******
Things just get better and better. Now we're moving. Not sure when yet, but it'll be far away from you. Anywhere is 'far' away to me since we won't be able to visit. That's gonna suck. I don't want to move.
April 1993
Not moving until school gets out. Well, at least that tells me M&D still know I exist. For a while there, I wasn't sure.
******
Worst. Birthday. Ever.
It couldn't have been worse if everyone had forgotten. I didn't want to go to school, much less have a party. I didn't want anything special for dinner, no cake, no presents, nothing. So what do my parents do? They have a party for me. A PARTY.
Why did they do that? Were they trying to depress me? I tried to be happy and have fun, I did, but I couldn't do it. I almost started crying when they brought out the cake. Literally crying. And I had to have my friends blow out the candles.
M&D just don't get it. If they'd just talk to me. Why won't they talk to me?
******
Oh, right. Presents. I got a couple shirts - they're cute, but I'm not really interested in gifts just now. But, something interesting, someone got me a 'Doctor Barbie'. No idea why. I don't play with Barbie anymore and I've never mentioned wanting to be a doctor. Who got me that? I don't remember writing a 'Thank you' note for a Barbie. Was there a tag on the box? I don't remember who gave me the doll. Weird.
May 1993
Is school out yet? I'm ready for summer and no homework.
June 1993
Now I'm convinced it was my fault. Mom and Dad won't let me visit her, they won't let me have a dog, they won't even let me pierce my ears. I don't get it. Why won't they let me do anything? I want to do the things the other kids do. Are they afraid I'll die too?
******
Damn. You know the summer beach trips we always take? That's turned into the 'we're moving, so no beach' trip instead. I don't want to move. Chicago seems so far away. I don't have a lot of friends, but I don't want to leave the ones I do have.
late-July 1993
I know it's been a few weeks, but we've been unpacking stuff and setting up the new house. My room is really small and I have to keep some of your stuff in my closet. I don't mind, really, but there isn't a lot of room for everything else.
I love you. I miss you. It's time for dinner.
August 1993
I. AM. SO. BORED. There are no kids in the neighborhood, so I have no one to play with or even talk to. And Ms. Barkowitz down the road is just creepy.
Do you know how uneventful it is to play a board game with yourself? Pathetic really. And I'm not playing with Ms. Barkowitz... no way.
******
Still bored. Two weeks later and I'm still bored. There is NOTHING to do here. I want to go back to Kansas City.
******
School starts today.
September 1993
What I want to be when I grow up...
That's our assignment for today.
I still want to be a veterinarian. Or maybe a doctor so other families don't have to be torn apart like mine was...
October 1993
One year. One year and we've moved so I can't even visit you. Stupid parents.