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Aaron strolled into the living room, DS Wise and Chas right behind him.
“I don't know whether to hug you or hit you.” Her voice shook as she held back tears.
“Hug him, I don't want you locked up too.”
She wrapped her arms around her little boy, giving him a squeeze. He hugged her back but it felt different, detached. She pulled away and looked into his eyes. They reflected back sadness and something she couldn't quite place.
“Aaron?”
He turned and walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and took out a beer.
Robert walked in at that moment. “Chas, can I talk to him? Alone?”
She hadn't taken her eyes off Aaron’s back, worry settling into her gut. “What? Uh, yeah of course. Oi you,” her voice soft, “don't go anywhere, you hear me?”
Aaron nodded his head in acknowledgement, avoiding eye contact as she and DS Wise went through to the pub.
The boys stood there in silence a few moments, Aaron with his back to Robert. He took a drink of his beer and wiped his mouth with his shirt sleeve. He could hear footsteps approaching and his heart thundered in his chest, a low thrumming in his ears. He sucked in a deep breath and exhaled, calming the rising panic.
Aaron turned around, folded his arms across his chest, and leaned back against the counter. His eyes darted towards Robert, who was standing at the edge of the counter looking at him.
Robert took in a breath, his voice soft, "Listen, Aaron, I...."
"I don't want to talk right now."
"Alright, I understand that but just...."
"Robert, stop."
His eyes fell to the ground, his heart sank. He didn't want to leave it, but it was obvious Aaron wasn't going to give him the choice. Aaron shifted from his position, took another drink, and made his way out of the small kitchen that seemed to be swallowing him. Robert tried to reach out to him but Aaron moved away, deliberately out of reach. "Where are you going?" The concern heavy in his voice.
Aaron sighed, glancing towards Robert, "I need some air."
He took a few steps towards him and Aaron shot him a pleading look, stopping him in his tracks. "You told your mum weren't going anywhere."
Aaron continued towards the back door. "Aaron?"
He froze in the doorway for a brief moment, without looking back. "Just please, leave me alone right now." His voice was flat, emotionless.
Robert felt his chest tighten and swallowed down the lump of pain in his throat as Aaron grabbed his jacket and walked out the door.
Chas heard the door shut and peeked in. “Oi, where's he gone? Robert, hello?!”
Snapping out of the daze, Robert walked towards Chas. “I don't know, he wants to be left alone. So….. I'll be in there.” He walked through to the bar as Chas scoffed at him, “uh, no. Go after him, I don't want him doing something stupid.”
“No, Chas. I don't…. He won't do anything stupid. He just needs some space.”
Aaron took a deep breath as the cold air hit his face, burning his lungs slightly as he buttoned up his jacket and shoved his hands in his pockets. He found himself walking a familiar path through the village, passed closed doors and quiet buildings. His shoes scraping against the road, loose bits of stone tumbling alongside him with every step. The sky was getting dark and the streetlamps were slowly coming to life as he made his way out of the village. There was no place in particular he was going, he just had to get away from everything, but before he knew it he heard the familiar sound of water running. He looked up to see the small bridge over the river. He'd been coming to this spot for years, a place all his own when he was trapped in his head. A place no one could hear his frustrations or sadness as it broke through to the surface. Aaron stood on the battered wood of the bridge, his elbows perched against the railing and stared out into the soft darkness.
He felt a heaviness building in his chest and took a deep breath, listening to the rushing water beneath him. Aaron buried his face in his hands, breathed in as deep as he could and released it. But he couldn't control the feeling engulfing him and sank down, pulling his knees into his chest. It was all too much. Too many thoughts and emotions bombarding him. His arms were crossed over his knees, head turned to one side, everything came flooding to the surface as tears stained his cheeks. The argument with Robert, taking off his ring. And why'd he have to hit Kasim? He'd been so angry and once he started he couldn't stop.
“Of course he doesn't want to be with a damaged mess like me,” he thought to himself as a gut wrenching sob wracked his body.
He sniffled and wiped at his nose, taking in a shaky breath. He felt empty.
After he'd calmed down and the tears subsided, he made his way back home. He knew his mum would be going mental wondering where he was.
As Aaron approached the pub, he took a deep breath to calm his racing nerves. His hand hovered over the handle before opening the backdoor. He stepped in and as he shut the door behind him, Chas came bursting through.
“Aaron, where have you been!? I was worried sick about ya and Robert didn't know where you'd gone. I told you not to…..” She looked him over for a moment, “what's wrong, love?”
He shrugged and shook his head.
“Aaron.”
“Mum, I'm fine.” He cleared his throat, “gonna have a shower and I'll be down after.” Aaron took to the stairs as fast as he could before she could say anything else. He reached the bathroom and closed the door with a slam, locking it behind him. He had started to shake, from the nerves or the cold he wasn't sure. Turning on the tap, he let the water get as hot as he could stand before stripping off his clothes and getting in. The warmth felt good as it cascaded over his tired, cramped muscles. He just stood there, letting the water run over his body.
“Aaron, you alright? You've been in there ages.”
Chas’s voice seemed so far away on the other side of the door.
“Yeah. I'll be done in minute.”
Aaron pressed his forehead to the wall, wishing he never had to get out and face everybody. A few moments passed. He washed up, rinsed and turned the water off. Feeling the chill settle into his bones again, Aaron shivered as he wrapped a towel around himself and made his way to the bedroom.
He came downstairs, walking into the backroom where Chas was waiting.
“We waited for you so we could eat together.”
“You didn't have to do that.”
“It's fine, love.” She walked over to him and brushed her hand against his cheek. When he didn't pull away, she wrapped him in a hug. “It’s going to be ok, son.”
He buried his face in her shoulder and held on to her, she rubbed his back to comfort him.
“Why don't you go get Liv and Robert, they're just through there,” pointing towards the pub.
Aaron gave a little nod and poked his head into the bar. Liv was sitting at a table, playing on her phone and Robert looked miles away.
“Robert.”
His head snapped around and Liv looked up, a smile on her face seeing her big brother. Aaron gestured for them to follow and they both got up.
“Aaron, wait.” Robert's hand gently wrapped around Aaron's arm.
He paused, “what?”
“We need to talk about last night.”
“Yeah. And we will do, but right now mum wants to eat.” He turned to walk away but Robert didn't let go. Aaron looked at him, a pleading expression in his eyes. They were so sad and Robert's hand fell away as he nodded towards the backroom.
“God, what took you so long? I'm starving.” Liv sniped.
“Sorry. Just needed a breather.” Aaron forced a smile on his face.
“Well you're here now, so let's just sit down and enjoy, yeah.”
Chas put her hand on his shoulder and gave it an encouraging squeeze as he sat down at the table next to Liv, Robert beside him. Chas took the last spot as everyone started eating. It didn't take long before she noticed Aaron was really just picking at the food on his plate but not eating. His head hanging low, hoodie sleeves pulled over his hands, fingers just barely poking out. Chas shot a worried look to Robert who shrugged. He hadn't seen Aaron like this, he looked…… destroyed.
“I'm not really hungry. Think I'm gonna go to bed, I'm knackered. Didn't sleep much last night.”
He stood up to take his plate to the kitchen. “Don't worry about that, love, I'll take care of it.” Chas's voice was laced with concern but Aaron just nodded and half smiled. As he started walking away from the table, Liv jumped up and wrapped her arms around his waist, giving him a big hug. He let out a little chuckle and rested his cheek against the top of her head as he wrapped his arms around her. “What's this for?”
“Don't know, seems like you needed one.”
“Thanks.”
He kissed her forehead and she sat back down.
“Night.”
He turned around and made his way towards the stairs, glancing back before disappearing up and out of sight.
Aaron closed their bedroom door and sighed, exhausted in every sense of the word. He changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants and climbed into bed, burrowing beneath the warm covers and praying for sleep to consume him. Thirty minutes passed and his burning eyes were screaming for the slightest bit of relief. Aaron shifted to his stomach, hands cradling his pillow. It smelled like Robert and he buried his face in it, breathing in the scent as his body relaxed and he drifted off.
Robert had been sitting on the couch staring at the TV, but not really paying attention to what was on when it clicked off. He did a double take to see Chas standing next to the arm rest, remote in hand.
“I was watching that.”
“No you weren't, you were miles away. What's up with the two of ya?”
“What do you mean? Everything's fine.”
“Uh yeah right, don't be daft. I am his mum, I think I can tell when something is wrong.”
Robert sighed. Chas would go mental if he told her about their row, not what he wanted to be dealing with right now. “It was a long night, that's all.” Chas eyed him carefully. “Look, I didn't sleep much last night worrying about him sitting in that cell.” He ran his fingers through his hair.
“Well it's not your fault.” Chas patted his shoulder and Robert glanced up at her, as if she could suddenly read his mind.
“I'm gonna head off to bed. I'll uh, see you in the morning.”
“Yeah, ok. G’night.”
Robert trudged upstairs.
Opening their door quietly, Robert slipped into the bedroom. Aaron shifted slightly, his breathing a bit irregular, and then it evened back out. He changed into pajama bottoms and crawled in bed. He laid there for awhile staring at the ceiling, shadows dancing across it from the streetlamps outside. He looked over at Aaron, who looked so small buried in the covers. He wanted to cuddle up to him, hold him close, make him feel safe. He watched the rise and fall of his shirt with each breath he took and slowly fell asleep.
“Mmno….. wait…. pl...please…..”
Robert opened his tired eyes, rubbing at them. He felt foggy brained, like he was dreaming.
“Please….. don't….”
Aaron was tossing and turning beside him, crying out softly, stuck in some nightmare. He sat up and turned the light on next to the bed. “Aaron?” He gently shook him, trying to wake him. A painful cry exploded from Aaron's throat and Robert was starting to panic. He'd never seen him or heard him like this.
He shook him harder, “Aaron wake up! Please wake up.”
A few moments passed before he sat up with a jolt, breathing hard, drenched in sweat, tears streaking his face. Relief flooded through Robert and he let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.
“Hey, hey look at me.” His hands cradling Aaron's face, “you alright? What was that about?”
Aaron just blinked, trying to calm the over excited nerves pulsing through his body, taking deep breaths.
“I'm f….fine.”
“Yeah, because screaming in your sleep is normal. Talk to me.”
Robert wiped tears from Aaron's face as he took in a shaky breath.
“You took off your ring, Robert. You didn't want me, you were gonna leave.”
“Wait, what?” Robert's heart dropped, “are you talking about whatever happened in your dream or is this about last night?”
Aaron looked away from him, his heart thundering in his chest ready to explode.
“You have to talk to me Aaron, I can't do anything if you don't talk to me.”
“I….. can't….” Aaron's voice broke, he was shaking, and he wanted to scream away the pain building in his throat. “I can't lose you.”
“You haven't, you've got me.” Robert was looking at Aaron, his Aaron. But he didn't look the same, he looked completely broken and it was destroying him to see him that way. Robert placed his hand on the back of Aaron's neck.
“This…. This isn't your fault. Stop blaming yourself. I'm sorry for the things I said, I didn't mean them. I didn't see how badly this was affecting you. You know how I feel about you.”
“I don't deserve it.”
“What do ya mean you don't deserve it?! Aaron I love you, just you, only you. I want to marry you! You've got to trust me.”
“I do! I do trust you. Sometimes things get messed up in my head and I get lost in this fog of people saying things that set me off. When I try to talk about it, it comes out wrong and you get irritated."
Aaron swallowed the lump in his throat, "I'm a mess and everything I do is wrong. I'm just not good enough for anyone.”
Robert's chest tightened, how could Aaron think that? He changed his life and was the best thing to ever happen to him.
“Aaron….”
“Robert, I love you. You know I do, even though I don't say it all the time.”
“Of course I know, I've never questioned that.”
“You're,” Aaron choked back the panic rising, “you're my home, Robert. Without you I'm lost, I've got nothing.”
Robert wrapped Aaron in his arms, he never wanted to let go.
“You're my home too. And whatever happens, we'll face it together.”
Aaron rested his head against Robert's chest, listening to the calming thrum of his heart and slowly drifted off. Robert laid there, holding him, worrying about him. He'd never seen him this way. His Aaron, the strongest person he knew, was breaking. Robert watched him sleep all night, afraid to close his eyes.